5-17-2014

Cody,

I have so much to tell you and I know I haven't written you in so long.

Storm is getting ready to graduate high school this coming week. I know you would have loved to have been here to see it. I wish your sister was going to come but I have not heard from her in a long time either now.

I don't know what is going on with her and she isn't sharing either. I have written her a few emails but only heard back on one of them and then it was only to try and send me pictures on my phone. They of course couldn't come through because media is not working on the phone.

I sent her a "Happy Mother's Day" text, phone vm and also on her FB but never heard from her all day long.

The first two years after you left us she called me every single day or I would call her. Last spring the phone calls just dribbled off and now I hardly hear from her at all. The last time I actually spoke to her was on that day, your leaving us and Loralei's birthday. I have not spoken to her since then. I worry about her and wonder what is going on with her. She isn't talking though and not telling me anything.

I am watching a movie tonight that is bringing my losses so much to the forefront right now. The loss of your older brother and your loss. I am trying so hard these days to learn how to deal with the emotions that I have let be kept from me for the past 3 years. I quit taking the anti depressant I have been taking for the past 3 years. Now my emotions run rampant again and the tears come so easily with just a thought or an action or a simple memory.

I still miss you each and every single day. There has been no relief in the pain I feel or the cold hard fact you are no longer here for me to speak to or hug or anything that I would normally do with you. I look at the pictures and the memories are all I have anymore. The future memories I would have liked to have had or the future relationship with you were all so harshly taken away and ripped from us both that fateful night.

Unfortunately as you know I don't believe in anything other than what we were both taught so trying and searching form some spirit reader or medium is totally out of the question. I just have to go on faith that some day I will see you again and be able to hug you and tell you I love you once again.

So much has happened this past year I wish you could know about. You would have been right by my side in how Larry has been since Storm turned 18. How much of an ass he has turned into after all the years of letting him slide on not paying and listening to his poor me and how broke he is. His marriage to that green card hungry bitch and how much of a total change of heart he has had after it and how "Karma" will find him eventually.

You would be here for your brother and give him grief over the things he has been doing, Or Not I am sure since you probably would have said good for him. I just so wish you were here, Cody. You would be more grown up now with a few more lessons under your belt. Be a dad for you own son.

I am sure you would be back here living with me.

Wonder Where Everyone Went!

Cody,

I am thinking about you a whole lot today. I watched March 11 come and go.. and I read your page on Facebook and there was hardly anyone that even recognized that it was the day that you left us all.

I have watched so many get on with their lives and move on from losing you. All the ones that stated to me that they would never ever forget about you... But....

I keep you beside me every day.. I think about you each and every day.. I think about you every day.. I will never ever forget about you as long as there is a breath in my body. You are in the mind of Brandy and Storm every day. There is not a day we don't wish you were here with us still.

So soon those forget you were here. That they don't think about you anymore. Their lives have progressed on and you are no longer a part of their lives because you are not here anymore.

The promises made by some have never been honored and never will be. That is what is so upsetting and so discouraging to me. Part of you has come home to me but important belongings to you have never made it here.

I know in my heart I will see you again someday, I look forward to that day when I can tell you again how much I love you and how much I have missed you in my life all these years. I am sorry that your presence on this earth has not effected others in the same way it effects me each and every day!

Everything in this house reminds me constantly of you. Mojo, China, Luna, Aria, Aireagon, Mozi, even Midnight does. I can't look at Dinky or Oreo without you entering my mind. The rooms and the entire house brings you to me. Sometimes the overload of thoughts is almost so overwhelming to me.

I miss the sound of your voice, the phone calls even the arguments we had. I realize because I am your mother it impacts me a whole lot more than it does anyone else the loss of you here on earth. There is not anything I wouldn't do to have you back.

I try and hide my feelings from Storm and from Brandy and to not let them know how badly this effects me daily. How much I really miss you and how hard it is for me each and every day to act like I am OK. How much it impacts me.

I do my best each and every day to blame no one for what happened that night. But, that is so hard some days. Unless someone has been where I am today they really don't realize the impact of it all and how much it impacts us all. How much your loss means to us. How painful it is and how hard it is to go on each and every day.

So much has happened in the 2 years since you have been gone. I only wish each and every day you would have been a part of it all. A part of Takoda's life and Loralei's life and Storm's and Brandy's lives as well.

The loss of you has left big empty holes in all of us. Especially in my life. I look at pictures and remember all the various times in your life with a huge loss because there will never be anymore memories of you for me ever.

But now I just wonder where all those have gone that said they would never forget about you and would remember you always. This year on your wall hardly anyone even posted a thing. Even most of your family on the James side said a word. Where was your cousin Megan that you were so insisting you be a part of her life.. Where was Aunt Vicky or Uncle Eddie? Or even Jasmine and the rest that you always made sure to go see when they were in the TN area?

I just don't get it sometimes... Sissy, Storm and I will never ever forget about you and how much we miss you every day we are here on this earth.

I love you Cody and not a day goes by I don't think about you, or miss you or wish you were here with us.

Sleep well my son - Mom

2 years nowCo

Cody,

It has been 2 years now. I don't feel any different today then I did that night. I still miss you and wish that it never happened.


I haven't looked beyond that day. I remember all the good days and even the bad we had. I remember the jokes and the funny times. I can still see your face when said things and made remarks that I won't even mention. I miss those days and those smiles and the look on your face. I wish I could turn the clock back and get you back in my life.

I wish I would have called you that day. I wish I could have spoken to you that Friday before your accident. I miss having you in my life and I know Brandy and Storm do as well. I am having such a hard time on this day of missing you. The memories are too hard to handle sometimes.

I quit smoking but yet today I am because I miss you so much and needed to have a beer. I am not doing the memory of you very much honor today because of that. I am sorry Cody. It has been 2 weeks now and I am not doing any better.

I have your urn in my bed again because I need you close to me. I miss you so much Cody and I wish you were here with us. I still hope to hear from you to receive a call on my phone from you. I am having such a hard time realizing you are no longer here with me.

I have all thee memories of you and some are good and some are bad but yet I see the smile on your face and the jokes you played. I wish you would come home and make it all seem like a really bad dream.

Luna is still here waiting on you to come home and be her master again and her to be your chow. She loves you and misses you. If only I could go back in time and talk to you and get you to make a different choice that night.

None of them are here for you now. None of them remember you now. None of them care about that night anymore and what it cost. All of them have gone on with their lives and you a just a fading memory of that night. But I remember, I will always remember because that is the night I lost you. You can never be replaced. You were a one of a kind Cody. You were my SON and I will love you until the day I am gone. Storm and Brandy will LOVE you for all the days of their life as well.

Most of them have moved on and you are just someone they knew and that has left this earth. I love you forever Cody, you were my son, you were my light, you were one of my heartstrings, and I miss you I will always miss you for as long as I live! Sleep well my son - mom

December 24, 2012

Cody,

I know it has been quite some time since I wrote on here. It isn't that I don't think about it or that I don't want to sometimes. I still have a hard time with this. A lot of things and memories make me really sad and upset me terribly.

Luna had 5 puppies on the 20th 1 boy and 4 girls all of them are black. I know you would have loved to have been here for this and a part of watching them grow up.

It has been a really bad day for me today and for the past 4 days. I have cried and grieved repeatedly these past days. I still feel sometimes that this is all still a very bad dream and sometime maybe I will wake up from it only that hasn't happened.

Today was a really bad day for me. I saw where Larry's wife removed you from his friend and totally blocked you from anything pertaining to them.

I got on Storm's facebook and found out why. She is slowly but surely making sure that we are all totally alienated from anything to do with him anymore. I am waiting now for to block Stormie as well. I am sure that will be her next move.

He hasn't bothered in the last 2 years to send your brother anything for his birthday or Christmas and this year there is no exception to the fact.

I used the last of the money left form your car to pay a good part of Storm's first vehicle but we got screwed on that and lost it and didn't recoup the money from the purchase of it. I got Larry to send money to replace the truck with another one and I still had to add money to it in order to purchase it.

Omi helped to get it put on the road, she bought a set a tires for it and registered it and put insurance on it something I couldn't get him to do.

Granted he has been paying the bills for a while but that is nothing he shouldn't be doing anyway in lieu of paying child support anyway. Which I have never pushed or asked for in the past 12 years as it is because of the fact he was having to pay for the kid that isn't his anyway and getting docked 2 grand a month to pay her. As you know I have always felt sorry for him about that and never made a big deal over what he should have been paying me all these years.

Now that he got married to someone he only knew a few months he seems to be able to have the money to take her all over the place constantly buying things for her and every month it is another anniversary for them.  In lieu of getting your brother anything for his birthday and Christmas this year again. It seems it is more important to take her to Reno and the casino's etc instead for Christmas than to even make sure he sent anything to Storm even it was only a check for $1.00. Back in August and again now for Christmas.

Storm and I looked up to even see if he had called him on his birthday and we finally found it in the past bills. He managed to call past 8pm that night and then only talked to him for a whopping 3 minutes. There hasn't been any other phone calls to him since them much less any calls to him prior.

When he first married her and I got on him for not telling Stormie about it he tried to put him in the middle between me and him which was totally out of line and I told him so.

Yes she unfriended me a long time ago when I said I didn't respect anyone that didn't even bother to meet his kids first before she married him. And they all had to find out over FaceBook that he did. Even Storm. He didn't have the decency to tell him first he had to find it out via FB and by me showing it to him. She has now also unfriended you, you who are not even here and no one posts on his page in our family regarding all the feelings regarding all that is going on.

I have no respect for her whatsoever. I have also lost my respect of what I had left for him as well. He is really starting to remind me so much of your dad now. Storm has lost his respect for him as well and doesn't even want to talk to him anymore. I wish you were around to talk to him and to help him through this. My heart breaks for him just like it broke for you all those years of dealing with your dad and how upset and miserable he made you in his treatment of you. How much you wanted to be loved and be acknowledged and get to know him as a person and as a dad.

Now it is all about him and his wife and not about his kids anymore. Here he should be so proud of Storm and all his accomplishments and how hard he works to stay in Honor Academy and to keep up his grades. He is having a really hard time now and emotionally I know it is really taking a toll on him even though he always tries to act like it doesn't bother him. He tries to be such a tough cookie through it all. He never even wants me to put up any Christmas decorations anymore and hasn't for a few years now. He says he just doesn't care about it and as far as he is concerned it is just any other day. I know mostly it is because he never wants me to spend the money for anything as money is so tight for us all the time.

Anytime I ask him if he wants to do something or spend time with his friends it's always mom you don't have the money and what money you have we need to save it for stuff we need instead. Even for the gas for his truck.

I wish you were here so much to spend time with him and do things with him and give him more to look forward to other than to just sit at home. We had a conversation tonight about me telling him he really should get out some and spend time with his friends other than just staying home all the time and just sitting in his room on the computer. He told me mom we don't have the money for me to go places and pay for the gas. Besides that he said you never go anywhere and do anything either. I told him he needs to go out and find himself another nice girlfriend after what happened between him and Shannon. Find out where kids his age hang out and meet another nice girl. He was like well you don't do it - I said well I am old and fat lol not worth it to me and I am pretty set in my ways now and after all the jerks in my life over the years I don't think I could even find a decent guy anymore anyway.

I have Storm and Sissy in my life and Omi and Aunt Arleen and I talk now again, Sheila, Beverlee's mom and I have become good friends as well. She has really become a great friend and we talk about you and Bev and Takoda. She wishes she could have gotten to know you better and feels bad about the relationship she had with you. She realizes that you were a good kid in the long run. That is pretty much all I need anymore. I have the dogs, the cats and the chickens to take up my time along with always working on things here at the house.

We all miss you and really wish life would have taken a different turn where you were concerned and that you would have been spared.

I did a real no no tonight as well I broke down and bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked them. It has been over 10 months and I guess I should not have let my emotions and my anger and the trauma of it all get to me as bad as it did. My nerves and my depression and anxiety were at a total peak today and no matter how hard I tried to tonight I couldn't shake it. Of course Storm wasn't happy about it either but at least he didn't give me grief over it.

Sissy is my rock and Storm tries and he backs me and doesn't judge me either. I love all of you so much and wouldn't know what to do if I lost either of them as well as my loss of you. Sometimes at night I wonder what it would be like to just not wake up tomorrow. I know I would miss all the things I still want to experience with all of them, especially Loralei and Takoda. I want to be able to watch them grow and be a part of their lives as well. I wish you here for all of us and a part of our lives still and our rock as well in your own way.

I don't know if things will ever get better for me and I can ever come to some reconciliation over your loss. I so far have not been able to that. Especially when Storm is going through so much himself and always keeps his chin up and tries to act like nothing bothers him when in reality I know it does but he keeps it all to himself.

You know how worried I was about some guy coming into my life that would treat him like Larry treated you or to have another man come into my life that treated either one of you like he treated you. But yet now it is the other way around it is his step-mother going out of her way to do it to him. And Larry doesn't stand up for him and make sure that he is still a priority in his life. Keep in contact with him or tell him how proud he is of him or his accomplishments. Or proud he is his son. All I get are excuses about how he doesn't know what to talk to about him so why even bother to contact him or even call him anymore.

I feel I have let all of you down not just you, and Storm but also Brandy regarding how her dad is about staying in contact with her anymore either. Life is so short and it can end in a split second and all the wasted days or time when you could have called and just said I love you. What a waste.

I know you will never read any of this or even see it but I feel that this is something I would have said to you if you were here to listen. If I could talk to you again like we used to. Yes I was hard on you at times but I did it because I loved you and I only wanted the best for you and to be the best I know you could be. You did have a heart of gold although sometimes you really did screw up and hurt people without thinking about the consequences of your actions but I also know it wasn't on purpose to cause or inflict pain on those you loved.

I really wish you were here because I miss you terribly and miss our conversations good or bad. I love you with all my heart because you are my son and I wanted you right from the start. I never gave up on you even though I think you thought I did sometimes.

I love you so very very much and think about you ever day many times. I miss you with ever part of me and I always will. Sleep well my son - mom

The 1st Year

Cody, the pain is as fresh today as it was a year ago tonight for me. I still can't understand why it had to be you who left us. I think about you each and every day. You are never far from me in my thoughts and in my heart.

Some nights I just sit here on my bed and cry not understanding why I had to lose you. Why we all had to lose you. You loved deeply and freely in your life and you were a joy to be around (most of the time) lol. You made a difference in so many lives and touched so many people so I don't know why it was that you had to leave.

All the milestones for Storm that you are not a part of hurt me deeply. I wish so much you were here for him. You could see how much he has accomplished and how he is doing. I know Sissy misses you a whole lot as well. I wish you could be around for Loralei and for Takoda.

Sometimes I see or read something and it just gets to me so bad. The anguish I feel in my heart because you are not here is unbearable sometimes. I gave up trying to call or talk about it anymore I just keep it all to myself these days. As I sit here now with tears running down my face and pain in my heart I just miss you so much and wish you here with us still.

The hardest thing is trying to talk normal when you are crying and upset. But I have been getting pretty good at that lately. Other than today being Loralei's birthday this is not a very good day for me.

Today is your day and you are in a lot of hearts and minds today. Lots of your friends are thinking about you today. You are loved and missed by so many.

Storm and I planted a Pear Tree by the house today. It will be another reminder of you in the years to come. I love you so much Cody, I wish you were here with us all and not gone. Sleep well my son - mom

A Year Ago Tonight I Talked to You Last

It's been a year ago tonight since the last time I heard you tell me you love me and you miss me. I really miss you Cody. I still feel it is all so surreal and that you are just on some long vacation somewhere or where you can't call right now.

My birthday has come and gone again. Last year you wanted to be here for my birthday but you didn't make it. It seems like yesterday you and I were talking about that and you were asking if you could bring your spider and your lizard with you when you came. Just like it seems like yesterday that you and I talked and I 3-wayed to Omi so she could talk to you. It doesn't seem like a year has passed but yet it has. I do so miss you Cody and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you in some way or another.

Tomorrow we bring Storm's truck home. Yes, I said a truck.. funny huh? No he didn't want a truck but it is a really good one and I will feel a bit better that he is in a truck then in some little car instead when he drives around. The money we had left of yours has helped to pay for it and I know you would be happy with that. I payed for the rest of it. Now he just needs to get his regular driver license.

It was friday night this time last year actually that I got that phone call from Jessica. It changed my entire life. My life will never be the same ever again. I talk a lot about you to other people. You are still part of my life even though you aren't here with me anymore other than in my memories.

We have some more baby chicks and I remember how crazy you were about the ones we had before you left. I know how much you would enjoy being here with us and being around all the new animals. You always loved animals as much as I do.

You would also be happy to know that I quit smoking as well. I want you to know that I did that for you as much as for myself and Storm. I still love to smoke and I miss it but after your accident I wanted to do something myself just with you in mind. You hated me smoking so much and always made such a bit issue out if it when I was around you. Times when I really want one I just think of you.

I love you so much Cody and I miss you, miss you, miss you!! I wish I could just rewind the clock to this day a year ago. You are in my heart and in my mind and in my life forever. Sleep well my son - mom.

After The New Year

Cody, 

I was looking at the picture of you and Storm when you on Joan's couch holding Mojo and I see the happiness in both of your faces and the love you both have for each other. This has been the most horrid holiday season of my entire life. 

Starting with Thanksgiving then moving on to Christmas and the New Year. I missed you so much during all that time. Not to mention that China had her puppies and I know you would have just been so stoked about that as well. I have missed you every day so much all this time and I still miss you so much each day. 

I miss our relationship we had even though we don't always get along but we so understood each other. You are so much a part of my life and so vital to me. Just like Sissy and Storm both are. I want our conversations back, our arguments and everything. 

I cry for you and I mourn the fact you are no longer a part of my life each and every day. I loved you before you were even you. I endured so much to even make sure you got to be you. I sometimes cannot even believe that I endured all I did to bring you into this world just to have you leave it so soon, 

I have given up on the hotlines and no longer call them and I just endure the feelings that I have all by myself. I love you so much and I miss you Cody more than I can ever even describe to you. Sometimes I just want to die myself and see where that lands me in the hereafter. If I would be with you or if I would be sleeping like I believe you are. 

I miss the bond we shared. No matter how we were with each other we did have a bond with one another. I miss that Cody, more than I can say. I miss you and I miss your phone calls and your texts and the pictures you would send me. 

I pray some day I will see you again and get to hold you and hug you and tell you how much I love you. Just know that each and every day I think of you and I cry for missing you and wishing you were still here with us. I regret the day I let you go and said good-bye to you. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for not having you come home after things didn't work out for you there. 

I love you so DAMN much and I miss you so DAMN much Cody. Sleep well my son - mom