After The New Year

Cody, 

I was looking at the picture of you and Storm when you on Joan's couch holding Mojo and I see the happiness in both of your faces and the love you both have for each other. This has been the most horrid holiday season of my entire life. 

Starting with Thanksgiving then moving on to Christmas and the New Year. I missed you so much during all that time. Not to mention that China had her puppies and I know you would have just been so stoked about that as well. I have missed you every day so much all this time and I still miss you so much each day. 

I miss our relationship we had even though we don't always get along but we so understood each other. You are so much a part of my life and so vital to me. Just like Sissy and Storm both are. I want our conversations back, our arguments and everything. 

I cry for you and I mourn the fact you are no longer a part of my life each and every day. I loved you before you were even you. I endured so much to even make sure you got to be you. I sometimes cannot even believe that I endured all I did to bring you into this world just to have you leave it so soon, 

I have given up on the hotlines and no longer call them and I just endure the feelings that I have all by myself. I love you so much and I miss you Cody more than I can ever even describe to you. Sometimes I just want to die myself and see where that lands me in the hereafter. If I would be with you or if I would be sleeping like I believe you are. 

I miss the bond we shared. No matter how we were with each other we did have a bond with one another. I miss that Cody, more than I can say. I miss you and I miss your phone calls and your texts and the pictures you would send me. 

I pray some day I will see you again and get to hold you and hug you and tell you how much I love you. Just know that each and every day I think of you and I cry for missing you and wishing you were still here with us. I regret the day I let you go and said good-bye to you. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for not having you come home after things didn't work out for you there. 

I love you so DAMN much and I miss you so DAMN much Cody. Sleep well my son - mom