December 24, 2012

Cody,

I know it has been quite some time since I wrote on here. It isn't that I don't think about it or that I don't want to sometimes. I still have a hard time with this. A lot of things and memories make me really sad and upset me terribly.

Luna had 5 puppies on the 20th 1 boy and 4 girls all of them are black. I know you would have loved to have been here for this and a part of watching them grow up.

It has been a really bad day for me today and for the past 4 days. I have cried and grieved repeatedly these past days. I still feel sometimes that this is all still a very bad dream and sometime maybe I will wake up from it only that hasn't happened.

Today was a really bad day for me. I saw where Larry's wife removed you from his friend and totally blocked you from anything pertaining to them.

I got on Storm's facebook and found out why. She is slowly but surely making sure that we are all totally alienated from anything to do with him anymore. I am waiting now for to block Stormie as well. I am sure that will be her next move.

He hasn't bothered in the last 2 years to send your brother anything for his birthday or Christmas and this year there is no exception to the fact.

I used the last of the money left form your car to pay a good part of Storm's first vehicle but we got screwed on that and lost it and didn't recoup the money from the purchase of it. I got Larry to send money to replace the truck with another one and I still had to add money to it in order to purchase it.

Omi helped to get it put on the road, she bought a set a tires for it and registered it and put insurance on it something I couldn't get him to do.

Granted he has been paying the bills for a while but that is nothing he shouldn't be doing anyway in lieu of paying child support anyway. Which I have never pushed or asked for in the past 12 years as it is because of the fact he was having to pay for the kid that isn't his anyway and getting docked 2 grand a month to pay her. As you know I have always felt sorry for him about that and never made a big deal over what he should have been paying me all these years.

Now that he got married to someone he only knew a few months he seems to be able to have the money to take her all over the place constantly buying things for her and every month it is another anniversary for them.  In lieu of getting your brother anything for his birthday and Christmas this year again. It seems it is more important to take her to Reno and the casino's etc instead for Christmas than to even make sure he sent anything to Storm even it was only a check for $1.00. Back in August and again now for Christmas.

Storm and I looked up to even see if he had called him on his birthday and we finally found it in the past bills. He managed to call past 8pm that night and then only talked to him for a whopping 3 minutes. There hasn't been any other phone calls to him since them much less any calls to him prior.

When he first married her and I got on him for not telling Stormie about it he tried to put him in the middle between me and him which was totally out of line and I told him so.

Yes she unfriended me a long time ago when I said I didn't respect anyone that didn't even bother to meet his kids first before she married him. And they all had to find out over FaceBook that he did. Even Storm. He didn't have the decency to tell him first he had to find it out via FB and by me showing it to him. She has now also unfriended you, you who are not even here and no one posts on his page in our family regarding all the feelings regarding all that is going on.

I have no respect for her whatsoever. I have also lost my respect of what I had left for him as well. He is really starting to remind me so much of your dad now. Storm has lost his respect for him as well and doesn't even want to talk to him anymore. I wish you were around to talk to him and to help him through this. My heart breaks for him just like it broke for you all those years of dealing with your dad and how upset and miserable he made you in his treatment of you. How much you wanted to be loved and be acknowledged and get to know him as a person and as a dad.

Now it is all about him and his wife and not about his kids anymore. Here he should be so proud of Storm and all his accomplishments and how hard he works to stay in Honor Academy and to keep up his grades. He is having a really hard time now and emotionally I know it is really taking a toll on him even though he always tries to act like it doesn't bother him. He tries to be such a tough cookie through it all. He never even wants me to put up any Christmas decorations anymore and hasn't for a few years now. He says he just doesn't care about it and as far as he is concerned it is just any other day. I know mostly it is because he never wants me to spend the money for anything as money is so tight for us all the time.

Anytime I ask him if he wants to do something or spend time with his friends it's always mom you don't have the money and what money you have we need to save it for stuff we need instead. Even for the gas for his truck.

I wish you were here so much to spend time with him and do things with him and give him more to look forward to other than to just sit at home. We had a conversation tonight about me telling him he really should get out some and spend time with his friends other than just staying home all the time and just sitting in his room on the computer. He told me mom we don't have the money for me to go places and pay for the gas. Besides that he said you never go anywhere and do anything either. I told him he needs to go out and find himself another nice girlfriend after what happened between him and Shannon. Find out where kids his age hang out and meet another nice girl. He was like well you don't do it - I said well I am old and fat lol not worth it to me and I am pretty set in my ways now and after all the jerks in my life over the years I don't think I could even find a decent guy anymore anyway.

I have Storm and Sissy in my life and Omi and Aunt Arleen and I talk now again, Sheila, Beverlee's mom and I have become good friends as well. She has really become a great friend and we talk about you and Bev and Takoda. She wishes she could have gotten to know you better and feels bad about the relationship she had with you. She realizes that you were a good kid in the long run. That is pretty much all I need anymore. I have the dogs, the cats and the chickens to take up my time along with always working on things here at the house.

We all miss you and really wish life would have taken a different turn where you were concerned and that you would have been spared.

I did a real no no tonight as well I broke down and bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked them. It has been over 10 months and I guess I should not have let my emotions and my anger and the trauma of it all get to me as bad as it did. My nerves and my depression and anxiety were at a total peak today and no matter how hard I tried to tonight I couldn't shake it. Of course Storm wasn't happy about it either but at least he didn't give me grief over it.

Sissy is my rock and Storm tries and he backs me and doesn't judge me either. I love all of you so much and wouldn't know what to do if I lost either of them as well as my loss of you. Sometimes at night I wonder what it would be like to just not wake up tomorrow. I know I would miss all the things I still want to experience with all of them, especially Loralei and Takoda. I want to be able to watch them grow and be a part of their lives as well. I wish you here for all of us and a part of our lives still and our rock as well in your own way.

I don't know if things will ever get better for me and I can ever come to some reconciliation over your loss. I so far have not been able to that. Especially when Storm is going through so much himself and always keeps his chin up and tries to act like nothing bothers him when in reality I know it does but he keeps it all to himself.

You know how worried I was about some guy coming into my life that would treat him like Larry treated you or to have another man come into my life that treated either one of you like he treated you. But yet now it is the other way around it is his step-mother going out of her way to do it to him. And Larry doesn't stand up for him and make sure that he is still a priority in his life. Keep in contact with him or tell him how proud he is of him or his accomplishments. Or proud he is his son. All I get are excuses about how he doesn't know what to talk to about him so why even bother to contact him or even call him anymore.

I feel I have let all of you down not just you, and Storm but also Brandy regarding how her dad is about staying in contact with her anymore either. Life is so short and it can end in a split second and all the wasted days or time when you could have called and just said I love you. What a waste.

I know you will never read any of this or even see it but I feel that this is something I would have said to you if you were here to listen. If I could talk to you again like we used to. Yes I was hard on you at times but I did it because I loved you and I only wanted the best for you and to be the best I know you could be. You did have a heart of gold although sometimes you really did screw up and hurt people without thinking about the consequences of your actions but I also know it wasn't on purpose to cause or inflict pain on those you loved.

I really wish you were here because I miss you terribly and miss our conversations good or bad. I love you with all my heart because you are my son and I wanted you right from the start. I never gave up on you even though I think you thought I did sometimes.

I love you so very very much and think about you ever day many times. I miss you with ever part of me and I always will. Sleep well my son - mom