Nancy

I felt I could write this here on your page Cody because I knew you would understand. You met Nancy when you were almost 8 years old. She always treated Brandy and you as if you were a part of the family even though Larry and I never married.

I know it wasn't always quite the same but she came pretty close for the most part.  She sure helped me with a lot of advice and telling me how to go about things after Storm was born. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't have been able to go back to college as she was the one that told me what I should do and whom I should contact in order to be able to do that.

She enveloped all of us and greeted us into the rest of the family whenever were around and never treated us any differently then anyone else. She was such a wonderful giving woman and always so kind and happy, not to mention she was a wonderful cook!

I was glad that Storm and I each were able to talk to her one last time before she left us last Friday morning on the 11th of November. That I was able to say good-bye and tell her I loved her and appreciated all she had done for us while we lived with Larry and the kids.

Elysia called me in the morning and told me what had happened. I felt so bad for them because I knew what they were all going through. I was just glad they all had the opportunity to at least say good-bye to her before she left them. Something we were not able to do with you.

I had Omi call Elysia and you know Omi she was more than willing to do that and have a prayer with her and try and be helpful. She wanted to call Larry but I told her he was busy trying to get out of the house to go up to the cabin so it was not a good time to call him right then.

I know you would have wanted to call her before she left as well if you were still here with us and tell her good-bye. You were just that way. Like when you found out about Pa's last wife and wanted to tell him you were sorry to hear that had happened to him.

I have to admit we were blessed to be as close as we all were. Sissy, Omi, Storm, you and I all a family and staying in touch all the time no matter what ever happened between any of us. We loved, argued, fought and made-up like a family would and forgive no matter what. None of us ever lost touch with the other no matter what. Not all families can say that, but we can.

I am feeling very badly for all that Larry's family is going through right now and especially Larry's dad. I only hope they can find some solace and relief over all the grief they are feeling right now. They are in my heart and I know in Storm's heart as well, along with Omi and Sissy.

I love you so much Cody and I miss you something awful daily. Sleep well my son - mom

It is November 9th almost Nine months since you left us.

I logged into EQ for the first time in months last night. I found out the guild I was in had booted me, which is fine I had told them about you and that I might not be playing for some time. But it is sad to see that some people have no compassion for what another person is going through.

I met a very nice lady in another guild and I put Evi in there. She even had one of her guild members call me today. It was awesome to talk to someone other then the grief counseling people that are so sick and tired of hearing from hearing from me. He let me cry on his shoulder and let me get a lot of my feelings out without being condescending about it.

I also talked to Omi tonight and cried a lot while I did. She tries to understand what I am going through but it always comes back to Jesus and God for her. Yes she was your grandmother and also Dale's grandmother but she doesn't really understand just how I feel a out the loss of you and your brother. I had 3 months of memories with Dale, but I had almost 25 years of memories with you. You were such a part of me for half of my life.

I am having such a hard time coping with your loss and I wish I could find a way to deal with it better. I call the grief counseling and they are so sick of hearing from me that they hardly ever talk to me anymore. Storm's counselor was going to talk to me but it didn't work out for them to take me to see her and I don't get into sessions she has with Storm. Those are his sessions and his safe place to talk and have nothing to do with me or anything he needs to let me know about other then what he wants to share.

I am drinking too much again just so I can sleep because I have a hard time even going to sleep anymore. My mind just keeps going on and on about stuff and it makes it hard for me to even fall asleep unless I just pass out from too much beer.

Now it is not just you that I miss and mourn in my life it is Dale as well. The day he left this world is coming up on the 21st. You know how hard it was always for me at this time of the year and thinking about that each year.

I look around this house and every time I see Mojo and China I remember how it was when you brought Mojo home. China I just reminds me of the fact how much you wanted me to get you Luna and how much you loved her and cared for her.

The tree I still have standing in the back yard and that limb you were cutting off and then had to move the chainsaw and cut higher up that little stub still is there just so I can remember that and I wouldn't let Storm cut it off or Tim either when he was building our fence and helping me clear what Storm and I didn't get done.

There are reminders of you all over this house and memories I have everywhere I look.

Dinky is so fat these days yes I know you and Kelli named him "Fucker" but he is still Storm's cat to the max. Storm even renamed him Fatty Boy. Storm told me if he gets into a college where he can take him with him he will take Dinky with him there.

I was sad to see that the kitten you had on your shoulder in one of your pictures passed away as well. I was a bit more disappointed that when Jessica posted it she didn't use the picture of her sitting on your shoulder.

I don't hear from Kelli or Beverlee much and I am sorry I don't. Leesa texts me quite a bit and talks to me and I really appreciate that fact. She is engaged now and I am happy for her and I know you would be too.

Do you remember Marcia one of the ladies I used to work for back when I worked for the VNA and Hospice of Northern California? I talked to her the other night she was awesome and let me talk to her about my feelings about what I am going through. I thought that was awesome of her she didn't have to even though she is a Psych Nurse and I used to do all those PowerPoint presentations for her and for Janet when I got laid off from there after Sutter bought them out.

I used to talk to her a lot way back when Larry and I were still together about you and the struggles you had with Larry and being accepted into his family. She was always such a good friend to me.

It's a hard road for me Cody and I am trying my best to cope with it all. I keep trying to tell myself "no regrets" but it really is not easy. It is much easier to say then it is to do. I never thought I would lose you in my life that you would be here for me always until I left this world and not the other way around.

I am still trying so hard to cope with all the things that have transpired and what to do with all that and I really don't have any answers to any of it.

I love you so much Cody and I miss you more then any words I could write could even describe it - Sleep well my son - mom

It's November and I Miss you so Much!

I sat outside tonight and I looked around at the new fence that I had put up all around the yard and I thought about you Cody. I thought about the fact you would have been so happy to have seen Mojo and China be able to run around free and not on leashes. I know you would have loved the goats too and how they follow you around and want to be petted and loved.

I know your friends have lives and they all have to go on living them. But I miss talking to them. I spend countless hours trying to find someone to talk to sometimes. I know it is horrible to say that but it is true. The grief counseling place I call a lot one of the girls there refuses to even talk to me anymore so I just hang up when she says her name. I miss you so much that it hurts so bad down to the bottom of my being.

I cannot describe what I feel sometimes it is an ambiguous feeling the pain is tremendous and the knowledge of never ever being able to have you in my life as a physical being again is horrific.

We had our ups and our downs but we always had each other no matter what. Now I don't have you anymore and I am having such a hard time dealing with that aspect in my life. Storm still needs you so much in his life and he no longer has you and I know that is hard on him even though he will never admit that. You know how he is so unemotional it is almost unnatural.

The one person he looked up to and talked to the most was you, and you are not here anymore for him. He needed you so much in his life and to help him and you are gone now. He really has no one to challenge him anymore and to make him think and to become the best he can be. I try and Sissy tries and I hope it will all work out for him. He loved you and emulated so much of the good of you. He respected the fact that you were so intelligent and knew so much and looked up to you for all that you knew.

You were two little peas in the same pod and were so smart and played off each other and the knowledge that both of you had. You depended on each other and if one didn't know it then the other did and you talked all the time about stuff and learned so much from each other.

I miss having you in our lives and having you call and just talk or ask for Stormie because he wasn't answering his phone.

Your dad got out of jail the other day and got probation for his charges. I wonder just how long it will be before he violates it all. I talked to him after the service for you and he swore he would change his life. He didn't and he ended up in jail for all of the things he did wrong.

I have a hard time each night realizing the fact you are not here. I watch the DVD and I go places and I think things and I have such a hard time accepting the reality of the fact you are not here with me anymore. I miss you so much and I love you and miss you so much that I cannot sometimes deal with the fact that you are not here with me anymore.

Who the hell am I trying to kid? I am having a very hard time accepting the fact you are not here with us anymore. I call the grief counseling line and they are so sick of hearing me call them that some of them won't even talk to me anymore. I watch that DVD and I miss you so much and wish you were here with us. I cannot accept the fact you are gone.

My life revolved around you for years. You were my life for years. When we moved to California it was you and I and I lived for you. You were my little putter head forever. Life changed when I moved in with Larry for both of us. I tried and I argued for you all the time. It never changed anything though and I am sorry for that. I always knew how you felt and I tried forever to change things for you and it never helped. All my trying to get Larry to express feelings for you were in vain. And your dad well that was a lost cause that never changed for you and I am sorry for that.

You always had Sissy, and Storm and myself. Omi as well even though she really didn't understand your needs and always preached instead. She loved you and will always love you just like all of us do. You had such a hard life where your dad was concerned and you never experienced love from any male figure in your life and for that I am sorry. I did the best I could do and what I thought was the best. It never happened and for that I have to ask your forgiveness.

I love you so much Cody, and I miss you and no words can describe the intensity of it. I have no words to that can describe what I feel for the loss of you and how devastated I am. I love you and I miss you Cody. Sleep well my son - mom