It is November 9th almost Nine months since you left us.

I logged into EQ for the first time in months last night. I found out the guild I was in had booted me, which is fine I had told them about you and that I might not be playing for some time. But it is sad to see that some people have no compassion for what another person is going through.

I met a very nice lady in another guild and I put Evi in there. She even had one of her guild members call me today. It was awesome to talk to someone other then the grief counseling people that are so sick and tired of hearing from hearing from me. He let me cry on his shoulder and let me get a lot of my feelings out without being condescending about it.

I also talked to Omi tonight and cried a lot while I did. She tries to understand what I am going through but it always comes back to Jesus and God for her. Yes she was your grandmother and also Dale's grandmother but she doesn't really understand just how I feel a out the loss of you and your brother. I had 3 months of memories with Dale, but I had almost 25 years of memories with you. You were such a part of me for half of my life.

I am having such a hard time coping with your loss and I wish I could find a way to deal with it better. I call the grief counseling and they are so sick of hearing from me that they hardly ever talk to me anymore. Storm's counselor was going to talk to me but it didn't work out for them to take me to see her and I don't get into sessions she has with Storm. Those are his sessions and his safe place to talk and have nothing to do with me or anything he needs to let me know about other then what he wants to share.

I am drinking too much again just so I can sleep because I have a hard time even going to sleep anymore. My mind just keeps going on and on about stuff and it makes it hard for me to even fall asleep unless I just pass out from too much beer.

Now it is not just you that I miss and mourn in my life it is Dale as well. The day he left this world is coming up on the 21st. You know how hard it was always for me at this time of the year and thinking about that each year.

I look around this house and every time I see Mojo and China I remember how it was when you brought Mojo home. China I just reminds me of the fact how much you wanted me to get you Luna and how much you loved her and cared for her.

The tree I still have standing in the back yard and that limb you were cutting off and then had to move the chainsaw and cut higher up that little stub still is there just so I can remember that and I wouldn't let Storm cut it off or Tim either when he was building our fence and helping me clear what Storm and I didn't get done.

There are reminders of you all over this house and memories I have everywhere I look.

Dinky is so fat these days yes I know you and Kelli named him "Fucker" but he is still Storm's cat to the max. Storm even renamed him Fatty Boy. Storm told me if he gets into a college where he can take him with him he will take Dinky with him there.

I was sad to see that the kitten you had on your shoulder in one of your pictures passed away as well. I was a bit more disappointed that when Jessica posted it she didn't use the picture of her sitting on your shoulder.

I don't hear from Kelli or Beverlee much and I am sorry I don't. Leesa texts me quite a bit and talks to me and I really appreciate that fact. She is engaged now and I am happy for her and I know you would be too.

Do you remember Marcia one of the ladies I used to work for back when I worked for the VNA and Hospice of Northern California? I talked to her the other night she was awesome and let me talk to her about my feelings about what I am going through. I thought that was awesome of her she didn't have to even though she is a Psych Nurse and I used to do all those PowerPoint presentations for her and for Janet when I got laid off from there after Sutter bought them out.

I used to talk to her a lot way back when Larry and I were still together about you and the struggles you had with Larry and being accepted into his family. She was always such a good friend to me.

It's a hard road for me Cody and I am trying my best to cope with it all. I keep trying to tell myself "no regrets" but it really is not easy. It is much easier to say then it is to do. I never thought I would lose you in my life that you would be here for me always until I left this world and not the other way around.

I am still trying so hard to cope with all the things that have transpired and what to do with all that and I really don't have any answers to any of it.

I love you so much Cody and I miss you more then any words I could write could even describe it - Sleep well my son - mom