Today is Christmas 2011

Cody,

Today is the first time ever in 25 years I have not been able to wish you a Merry Christmas and tell you I love you. I have so missed the sound of your voice these past nine months. Those all hours phone calls you used to make to me just to talk or see what I was doing.

Even though you could really get me so po'd at you sometimes, I miss knowing you are in the room right next to mine. I miss the way you could make me laugh no matter how mad or upset I was at you. I even miss going into the kitchen to cut a piece of french bread and it is all gone because you ate it all on me.

I am sitting here this morning just crying my eyes out because I miss you so badly. I know I won't get to hear or see you today and it tears me up inside. People say life goes on, but for some of us it stalemates on us and yes part of us goes on but part of us doesn't.

These past few weeks with these puppies really drives home that you are not here. I know how much you would have loved to have been around for them. How much you would have spoiled them just like I do. How much love you would have given to them. You would have spent time watching them playing like I do and get such a kick out of it. Stormie really doesn't have an interest in them like you and I do. He can pretty much take them or leave them and most of the time it is leave them.

Omi just called to wish us a Merry Christmas and it is so hard to not let her hear that I am crying. I hate having to answer a lot of questions or hear all kinds of religious stuff from her about what has happened to you.  Everything stays so bottled up for me most of the time about my feelings and how hard it is to handle that you are gone. I wish so hard you were still here with us but no matter how hard I want it to happen I know it never will and that you are gone from life as it is now forever.

I can't say as I am mad at you but I wish you would have listened to me all those times I talked to you about your driving. I never dreamed it would be me one day mourning the loss of you and hurting so much because you weren't here in my life anymore like you used to be. Mothers are not supposed to have to say good-bye to their children, it is supposed to be the other way around. I still wish this was just some horrid dream I needed to wake up from and it all wouldn't be true and you would still be here with us.

It will never get any easier for me, just maybe one day I won't cry as hard anymore. I love you so much Cody, and the hole in my heart doesn't get any smaller or hurt any less. Sleep well my son - mom