Feelings

Here I am tonight Cody, I talked to Beverlee's mom, Sheila tonight for a long time. Yes we have become friends, I know you would understand. It is nice to talk to someone that knows how you how feel and I appreciate her friendship.

I am missing you so much tonight, especially with these kittens Storm and I brought home this morning. The little calico and the orange and white one remind me of Sophie and Oddball. Although they don't totally look like them it just reminds me of them.

The other night after my post and the comments on it I called the grief counselor and talked for a long time. They are just great about listening to me and being very objective about what I say. He was like you sound extremely angry, I told him I am angry and I don't know if I can ever get over my anger about it all.

The lies, the deceit, all of it, not sure I will ever get over any of it. You know I don't forgive lies easily and it takes a lot for me to trust again when that happens. Everything that surrounds you is most of it is so full of lies and deceit and nothing regarding the truth.

You are gone and why does it all continue on? why is it so important to continue all the lies and the deceit? Why was it important to make you out as the bad guy? That you were a bad guy after you were gone? I know better and anyone that truly knew you also knew better than that. But why was it so important to her to try and make you out as you were a bad guy? Why tell me lies about you? Why tell your friends lies about you?

You and I know so much better, Cody. What did I always tell you? What did I instill in you for years and years? For you to grow up and be your dad? never ever would you have done that. What would have the consequence for that have been? What did I tell you the first time I ever heard her over the phone? You called me so sick and wanted to go the doctor and she was screaming at you and I asked who that was and you said your girlfriend. I told you I would never put up with that and you told me then I know mom.

I know you didn't want to be there, every time you called me and she was around you made me wait to talk about things when she finally was out of range or couldn't hear anymore. You wanted to stand on your own finally and not come home with your tail tucked and I understand that. But I know you wanted to come home and I was so looking forward to you coming home.

I am sorry that you got so stuck with her for so long and had to deal with all the abuse you did, you did not deserve it by any means. I heard her cuss you out and scream at you plenty of times when you were on the phone with me and I know you were not happy there or being around her. I just wish you would have said mom I want to come home. You never deserved what you received at her hands or the hands of her mother.

I love you so much Cody and I miss you, God I miss you so much, Sleep well my son - mom