September 25th - Birthday celebration for Takoda and Kelli

I have been looking forward to this day for the last 2 months. When I could spend time with Takoda and also with Kelli. The last time I saw either one of them was on your Birthday.

I had Omi pick us up yesterday and that did not go well at all. But that is neither here nor there really. Although Storm said he sat back and watched the show. Oh well.

When we got up to Omi's last night Luna was all over Storm and I. Omi was like Luna was the dumbest dog she ever had but Luna always sits there waiting for commands from us and won't listen to Omi when we are there. I sat there today and looked at her outside while I was smoking and I know she loved you totally and was your dog. She misses you as much as we do.

We got up there late around 3pm. Takoda was so hyper he really did not want to be held he was having a blast though. When Kelli finally got there she was able to hold him lots more then we were able to. I thought about you so much on the way home.

I really missed you and I know you would have been there if you were here. Like Kelli said she missed you calling her and telling her happy birthday. We all missed you so much today.

Omi thought I was upset because I am not close to where Takoda lives and can't see him very often. I was not upset about that I was upset because you should have been there and you would have been there if you could have been. I was upset because I missed you so much and you were missing so much. I was upset because you would have been there for everyone. I miss you and I can't hide that fact and the ache in my heart over it is so real all the time.

I can't look at Mojo or China ever without thinking about you. Luna was yours and does she really think I could forget that ever?

I looked at her today She has a disposition like you had. You were 2 peas in a pod Cody. I miss you so much. You and I had our ups and downs and we had out differences many, many times. You might have thought I didn't love you. But I love you so much.

None of this is right. You should be here and I shouldn't be without you and neither should anyone else that loved you and cared about you. Takoda should not be growing up without you in his life, but he is. Storm should not be living the rest of his days without you either and Brandy and Loralei should still have you in their lives. But none of us have you anymore and all we can do is try and honor your memory and keep you alive in our hearts and in our memories and remember you. I love you so much and I miss you so much. I have a hard time sometimes coping but I try. Someday we will be together again I really believe that. I love you so much Cody, I miss you more then I can describe to you. Sleep well my son - mom

Omi's Birthday Today

After reading Kelli's post a few minutes ago it really got me so upset. Then I saw I had a message from Leesa saying how "Walking in Memphis" had played where she was at training earlier. Then to top it off today is Omi's Birthday and I know I would have called you today to make sure you gave her a call and wished her "Happy Birthday" today.

I holler to an empty room and ask why.. Why did this happen... Why you... I scream at an empty room and can't control the waves of tears that stream down my face or the sobs that rack my soul. I cry for all that is lost for you all the experiences you lost all the days you missed. The joy of life that should have been yours for years to come.

The time we still would have had together and the memories you and I would still have shared. I cry because never again will I get those phone calls at all the strange hours from you because as you used to tell me all the time, "Mom I knew you would still be up." I cry because never again will I hear the words "I love you, mom" or feel your arms wrapped around me giving me one of your hugs.

I cry because it is so unfair that the only place you will ever be anymore is in the middle of my bed where you always loved to be. I cry because I miss the son I loved so much and gave me such a hard time and always kept me on my toes.

I cry because I remember the vibrant, happy go lucky kid you were. Always laughing and teasing and so fun loving. It is unreal to feel so much pain inside and to hurt so badly. Thankfully when the brunt of it really hits me Storm isn't around to witness it.

The intense waves of grief are horrible, overwhelming and then I question everything. The reasons why things are the way they are. I question why I am even still here on this earth. Why I have to go through this and what did I do in my life that justifies the loss of you after already losing Dale so many, many years ago.

Sissy lives so far away the only way we talk is over the phone or on skype now and then. There is not much I can do for her or for Loralei so far away. Only Stormie really still needs me and then only so he can finish his school here and then off he goes to college and then no one will be here to need me anymore. The only thing I did look forward to was always knowing in my heart that you would end up back here living here again and then I wouldn't be here alone. But that is gone and it will never be. So now I even question my own existence anymore and what good am I anymore really.

Takoda is so far away and I don't really hear from them very often at all. Trinity I am sure I will never see her again even though they live close. So what is the reason for being here anymore? I don't have any influence anymore on anyone those days are long gone.

Even Storm told me a few weeks ago that after college he plans on moving to Australia to live so then no one will be around anymore. Just you and I here all alone only I can't talk to you and hear you talk back to me anymore.

I just miss you so much and can't fathom the reasons why this happened. Why life had to turn so horribly wrong for all of us. Why this happened to you and the impact this has had on everyone. Not just me but on Takoda, Storm, Sissy, Omi, Kelli and everyone else that knew you and loved you.

All I know is that it is so unfair and painful. Missing you hurts so much and knowing there is nothing that can be done to change it. There are reminders of you all over this house. Even in the backyard with the trees you cut down that I still haven't been able to burn. I wish I could feel peace some days and not feel all this emptiness and pain that I do on a daily basis.

I love you so much Cody, and I miss you more each day. Sleep well my son - mom

Sissy's Birthday!

Today is Sissy's 31st Birthday. I know she is missing you today and missing a Happy Birthday from you.

This past week has brought back a lot of memories and old friends as well. I talked to Dennis for the first time in almost 10 years this past week. He used to do all kinds of stuff with you and Sissy. He was always a good friend and loved you both. He didn't make the service but he tried to get there.

I know Sissy remembers him more then you do but he loved having you around as well.

Today you should be teasing Sissy about going over 30 and how does that feel? But you aren't here to do that. I know she misses you so much and wishes you were still here. We all wish you were still here with us and teasing and laughing with us and loving and just being you.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you or miss you or wish I could talk to you. Life is not the same nor will it ever be. Some days are a struggle all the way around. Some days it is very hard to just go on but we do.

I know that you would tell Sissy you love her and you wish her a very Happy Birthday. I know you would have called her and talked to her today if you were here with us. I know how much you loved her and looked up to her all your life. Even when you didn't want to listen to me you did listen to her.

I want you to know how much you are loved and how much you are missed. Sleep well my son - mom