Omi's Birthday Today

After reading Kelli's post a few minutes ago it really got me so upset. Then I saw I had a message from Leesa saying how "Walking in Memphis" had played where she was at training earlier. Then to top it off today is Omi's Birthday and I know I would have called you today to make sure you gave her a call and wished her "Happy Birthday" today.

I holler to an empty room and ask why.. Why did this happen... Why you... I scream at an empty room and can't control the waves of tears that stream down my face or the sobs that rack my soul. I cry for all that is lost for you all the experiences you lost all the days you missed. The joy of life that should have been yours for years to come.

The time we still would have had together and the memories you and I would still have shared. I cry because never again will I get those phone calls at all the strange hours from you because as you used to tell me all the time, "Mom I knew you would still be up." I cry because never again will I hear the words "I love you, mom" or feel your arms wrapped around me giving me one of your hugs.

I cry because it is so unfair that the only place you will ever be anymore is in the middle of my bed where you always loved to be. I cry because I miss the son I loved so much and gave me such a hard time and always kept me on my toes.

I cry because I remember the vibrant, happy go lucky kid you were. Always laughing and teasing and so fun loving. It is unreal to feel so much pain inside and to hurt so badly. Thankfully when the brunt of it really hits me Storm isn't around to witness it.

The intense waves of grief are horrible, overwhelming and then I question everything. The reasons why things are the way they are. I question why I am even still here on this earth. Why I have to go through this and what did I do in my life that justifies the loss of you after already losing Dale so many, many years ago.

Sissy lives so far away the only way we talk is over the phone or on skype now and then. There is not much I can do for her or for Loralei so far away. Only Stormie really still needs me and then only so he can finish his school here and then off he goes to college and then no one will be here to need me anymore. The only thing I did look forward to was always knowing in my heart that you would end up back here living here again and then I wouldn't be here alone. But that is gone and it will never be. So now I even question my own existence anymore and what good am I anymore really.

Takoda is so far away and I don't really hear from them very often at all. Trinity I am sure I will never see her again even though they live close. So what is the reason for being here anymore? I don't have any influence anymore on anyone those days are long gone.

Even Storm told me a few weeks ago that after college he plans on moving to Australia to live so then no one will be around anymore. Just you and I here all alone only I can't talk to you and hear you talk back to me anymore.

I just miss you so much and can't fathom the reasons why this happened. Why life had to turn so horribly wrong for all of us. Why this happened to you and the impact this has had on everyone. Not just me but on Takoda, Storm, Sissy, Omi, Kelli and everyone else that knew you and loved you.

All I know is that it is so unfair and painful. Missing you hurts so much and knowing there is nothing that can be done to change it. There are reminders of you all over this house. Even in the backyard with the trees you cut down that I still haven't been able to burn. I wish I could feel peace some days and not feel all this emptiness and pain that I do on a daily basis.

I love you so much Cody, and I miss you more each day. Sleep well my son - mom