The Past

Cody,

Tonight I am so missing you, I want to talk to you so much. I don't talk to hardly anyone ever except for Omi, Sissy and Storm. I miss you calling me and telling me what is going on with you and bugging me with whatever it is you want at the moment.

I miss just you bullshitting me. I miss you playing around and teasing or being a total pain in the ass.

I look at all the pictures and remember all the times and what you were like at those ages. Things we did, places we were or where we lived when they were taken. You and I had a lot of rough times and hard times. I think a lot of it brought us closer together then most children and their parents. You loved to be a pain to me. For some reason sometimes I think you just way enjoyed it too much.

Do you remember when we met Gene? I went to work for him doing surveying down in the Modesto valley? We lived in the motel for months and I had to get you a baby sitter for while we were there? One day I came home and no one knew where you were? I finally found you in the apartments behind the motel? I was so scared you had been taken by someone. You just loved it there because we had a pool and we ate all kinds of junk food all the time because we didn't have a kitchen so we had to eat out all the time.

I think when we first lived in California that was probably the best time for you because it was just you and I. You had me all to yourself for a long time before you had to share me with anyone again. It was just you and I against the world pretty much.

I bought you a bike and it was stolen right off the front porch of the house we lived at, they cut the bike lock and stole it. We had the crazy roommate from hell.

Tante Eva didn't really like us from the start when we first moved there to California. When you had your very first migraine headache and they had gone up to their cabin, and we were left home alone and you got sick all over the carpet just in front of the bathroom she had a fit about it when they got home because I couldn't get all the red out from the baby tylenol I had given you for your headache earlier.

They never really did anything with us ever. Uncle Hans had wanted to take us with them but she was totally against it. She hated the fact I had long fingernails and she couldn't grow them so she was always complaining about it. In order to work for them I had to cut them or gee when you smoke it looks horrible because you are missing part of your finger and you are smoking with your right hand and that makes it so noticeable, I was like OMG what petty crap you come up with.

She always complained about you as well. Nothing was ever good enough even though we cleaned their house, did their dishes and worked in their back yard and fixed their fence and all the other stuff you and I did around there. Well mostly me because you were still only little but you know what I mean.

Even her kids were better then you were as far as she was concerned. You couldn't even play any play any of their games and when you did all hell would break loose because her kids would complain about it. But wasn't it funny in the later years her kids had no clue about anything and who was always asked to go down and fix their computers?

Upgrade them, do this, do that, fix them, etc? Why OMG really? it was me. Who grew up later watching me do stuff? Or rather who made you learn how to fix stuff you screwed up because I got sick and tired of fixing what you did? You got really good at doing things computer related and even sometimes I had to ask you how to do something because I did not know how or was too lazy to figure it out myself.

Amazing how none of their kids could even hold a candle to your intelligence and knowledge in later years. But as far as they were concerned I was a totally unfit parent. Especially Tante Eva, who only loved gossip and to hear the worst about anything. Asking questions and wanting to know stuff she had no business knowing in the first place. She loved to say bad stuff about people and to hear bad things as well to try and make herself feel better about herself. She has a long way to go before she can classify herself that way.

Family should always stick together but I really feel she has no sense of what family is really all about. She tries to alienate all of the family especially anyone that belongs to Uncle Hans's side of the family. Not like she has any brothers and sisters on her side to look after her in the event something ever happens to Uncle Hans before her. We should both feel sorry for her as she really doesn't know all the things she does and says and the implications of what her actions and what she says is on other people.

I really believe you in your heart knew the meaning of family and how important it was to you. You even tried so hard to look beyond all the bad your dad did and still loved him in spite of all it all. I know you loved him and you really wanted him to be a part of your life just like Brandy, Storm and I were. Unfortunately it never worked out the way you wanted it to with him. But you did know what it meant.

I really don't know what to say about your dad. He used to be a really good guy but that changed somewhere along the line. He got addicted to stuff. I saw it when we lived in Houston and he used to do a lot of coke and go the bars all the time. He would spend his last buck on it.

Years later I could see how much he was not the dad I wanted you to have. Not that I didn't try and make it work with him, because I did. Finally it was just about did I want you to grow up in the environment we were in or did I want you to grow up differently then what he was a part of.

I chose the latter because I really did not feel like he was a good influence on either you or on Brandy. Look at what he has become now and how he treated Andrew and Katlyn as well. I really believe you were way better off then growing up with him in your life. I know you loved him and really never understood why we left  but he was not a good influence for you and I never wanted you to ever be like him. The biggest thing you ever did for me was to make me proud of the fact you were not like him in any way.

I am very sorry you were not able to have the relationship you wanted with him. But he is not willing and may never be willing to have a relationship with any of his children. The only thing he ever sees is his wants and needs and he puts that above any of you kids. What he wants is way more important to him then anything else. His drugs and whatever comes first and more then likely always will. You deserve so much more then that Cody.

Always amazed me how many times Buster would act so surprised that I left David because he would beat the shit out of me. Every time it was brought up he would act like it was the first time. I guess he never remembered how he had to fly David from Houston back to Tennessee because he beat me while I was pregnant with you with the buckle end of the belt and this after I had been bed ridden for months just to be able to keep you and not have a miscarriage because I had so many problems carrying you in the first place.

He always tried to tell me anything that was wrong with you was just because I left your dad in the first place. He would never acknowledge that David learned his behavior long before I met him, while he was growing up with granny and pa.

I saw where it came from back in 1991 when you and I lived with granny and pa and you were running back and forth on the front porch one day. Pa got so mad at you for doing that and his face was so purple and all the veins on his neck stuck out just like your dad's would do when he was mad at me.  


I will also never forget the morning he got mad at one of the ladies that lived at the home that had alzheimers and she was roaming up and down the hall and came into the dining room. He told her to go back to her room and we were both in the kitchen at the time. When she didn't and was wandering around the dining room he sort of tossed/shoved her back towards the door and she fell down. Later I told granny about it and that if I ever saw that again I would turn them in for elder abuse.

 I just miss talking to you so much. This should not ever have happened. I should have just moved us all back to Canada or maybe I should have moved us to Australia years ago when I was going to. Storm was like I would not be here if you would have done that. I told him maybe you wouldn't look like you do now and not talk like you do but I am sure you would have been here. I just want you to be here too, it is not right that you are not here. It is not natural especially all I went through to just have you in the first place. You overcame so much to just be born.

Never ever doubt I love you, and that I miss you so much Cody. Sleep well my son - mom