Almost 9 Months - 9 Months since I talked to you last!

It's been almost 9 months since you left. Actually today is 9 months since I talked to you last. I miss the hell out of you Cody. So much has happened in the last 9 months and so much you would have wanted to be apart of. I miss you in my life, and I miss that you are not a part of Storm's life anymore. I know Sissy misses you so much as well.

Our lives are incomplete anymore because you are not a part of them. We can't talk to you and can't call you and tell you all the little milestones in our lives that are happening. I know you would have wanted to be a part of Takoda's life and spend time with him and get to know your son. I know Beverlee wanted you to be a part of his life and get to know him. I don't get to see him much so I am missing out a lot of his growing up. Even Stormie enjoys being around him when he gets the chance.

When Stormie and I rescued the kittens I know you would have loved that one. Now that China has her puppies I can only imagine the thrill you would have had over that. As they grow bigger each day and do more running around I can only see you here and know you would have already picked one out. You would have taken it and started loving all over it and named it and started to love it. You would have told me how that is yours and nothing I could have said would have changed your mind about it.

I miss seeing you and talking to you and hearing your voice and I even miss all those arguments we had.  I still watch the DVD a lot and think about you. I have memories, yes I do, but that isn't like you actually being here with me anymore. I read things and they make me cry and miss you more. The finality of it all is just so devastating to me. The fact that I wasn't there for you and I couldn't tell you goodbye and hug you close and tell you how much I love you.

We had our ups and downs you and I but my love never faltered in how much I loved you, and how much you meant to me in my life. We both said things now and then that we didn't really mean to make the other hurt as much as we were hurting each other. I tried lots of times to talk to you and tell you how much you meant to me and how much I loved you and how much you were wanted by me. I think sometimes you didn't actually believe that. I was so proud of you and how much you accomplished and I told you that.

I miss you so much in my life. There is this big empty hole in part of my life with the loss of you.  I still have Sissy and Stormie and I love them even more now because you are gone. I know how fleeting time can be and much an instant in your life can change everything for you. I appreciate all the time Sissy spends talking to me each day and some days if not for that I don't think I could make it through the day.

Even Stormie comes and talks to me a bit more some days then he normally would. The last time I talked to you I didn't get to talk to you very long because I conferenced Omi into the call. After you got done talking to her you and I also hung up. I wish we would have talked longer that night. 13 minutes total wasn't long enough. If I would have known that was the last time I would ever talk to you. I would have told you so many things.

There isn't a day that goes by I don't think of you or think of something about you.  I loved you so much, you were my putter-head and will always be that for me. My heart aches for the loss of you and the missing of you and the fact you are gone. Thanksgiving was a duel devastation for me this year. I was not only missing you but remembering that was the day 33 years ago that I said good-bye to your brother Dale as well.

I try and look at each new day and try and find something good about it. I have a hard time doing it. I watch the puppies get bigger each day and I know the joy you would have found in it. I try and think about that but I have a hard time really hanging onto that thought. I think sometimes it makes me miss you even more because you are not here to share all this with me. I know the joy you would have found in it and how you would have reacted to it all. I am saddened by the fact you are not here to enjoy all this with me. Stormie comes in now and then to see them but he is not really as excited about the puppies like you would be.

It's almost 5 in the morning and I guess I need to some semblance of sanity somewhere. I wish I could find it more often but I have a hard time doing it these days. I never thought I would be here again in my life ever having to say good-bye to one of my children. I love you so much Cody and I miss you to the depths of my core and I am having such a hard time with all of this. Sleep well my son - mom