It's Almost Christmas

It has been a little over 9 months now. Sissy called me and told me how she broke down the other night and cried so hard. Chris came and comforted her even though she tried so hard to hide it. I can understand that. I try hard myself to hide how I feel and to keep all the feelings to myself and not make Sissy, Storm or Omi really see how much all this is effecting me.

We are both really mad at you and I don't think we will ever get over that feeling. Because you have deprived us of you!  I know it was not on purpose on your part but you never learned to listen and because of that you left us in this world.

Each day that I see things and do things and have the ability to witness all the things you would so love to be able to be a part of. Each day as I watch China's puppies grow a bit more and see all the cute little things they do I miss you so much because I know how much you would have wanted to be a part of all that.

I still feel an overwhelming grief where you are concerned and I think about you each and every day. There is a huge hollow spot in my life that cannot ever be filled. Other people their lives go on, and yes, so does mine, but mine is still stuck where you are concerned. I don't think I will ever come to terms with what happened to you and that you are no longer with me in my life.

I have dreamed about you twice since your accident and neither one was a comfort to me. Parents are not supposed to love one child more than another one. I don't love any one of you more than the other but I love you all in different ways if that makes sense at all. I had such a hard time bringing you into this world and then almost losing you in the pool on dad's birthday. You were special to me in your own way. Just like Brandy is special in her way because I lost her older brother to SIDS. And her being a girl and making my fears of losing her in the same way a little easier. Storm is special in his way because he came along after being told I could not have any more children. But I don't love any of you less than the other one. You are each special to me in your own way.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't hurt and don't miss you. I try to be brave and to not let my feelings interfere with life and to upset Storm and Sissy. It is so hard for me to put on this brave face and try and act like things are OK when they really are not.

I need to stay strong for Storm and I am sure you can understand that. I need to make sure he still has a normal life and can be the best he can and do all the all things that he is destined for. I want so much for you to still be here for him. He loves you so much and looked up to you as well for how smart you are.

I miss you so much and never doubt how much I love you. No matter how many times we argued and you didn't think I did. You were special to me and you always will be.  I miss you so much every day and as live each day and am able to watch life I see how much you would have wanted to be a part of all of it. Someday I will be all alone with no one here with me anymore. But I carry you in my heart each and every day.

I love you so much Cody, and I miss you oh so very much - sleep well my son - mom