December 24, 2012

Cody,

I know it has been quite some time since I wrote on here. It isn't that I don't think about it or that I don't want to sometimes. I still have a hard time with this. A lot of things and memories make me really sad and upset me terribly.

Luna had 5 puppies on the 20th 1 boy and 4 girls all of them are black. I know you would have loved to have been here for this and a part of watching them grow up.

It has been a really bad day for me today and for the past 4 days. I have cried and grieved repeatedly these past days. I still feel sometimes that this is all still a very bad dream and sometime maybe I will wake up from it only that hasn't happened.

Today was a really bad day for me. I saw where Larry's wife removed you from his friend and totally blocked you from anything pertaining to them.

I got on Storm's facebook and found out why. She is slowly but surely making sure that we are all totally alienated from anything to do with him anymore. I am waiting now for to block Stormie as well. I am sure that will be her next move.

He hasn't bothered in the last 2 years to send your brother anything for his birthday or Christmas and this year there is no exception to the fact.

I used the last of the money left form your car to pay a good part of Storm's first vehicle but we got screwed on that and lost it and didn't recoup the money from the purchase of it. I got Larry to send money to replace the truck with another one and I still had to add money to it in order to purchase it.

Omi helped to get it put on the road, she bought a set a tires for it and registered it and put insurance on it something I couldn't get him to do.

Granted he has been paying the bills for a while but that is nothing he shouldn't be doing anyway in lieu of paying child support anyway. Which I have never pushed or asked for in the past 12 years as it is because of the fact he was having to pay for the kid that isn't his anyway and getting docked 2 grand a month to pay her. As you know I have always felt sorry for him about that and never made a big deal over what he should have been paying me all these years.

Now that he got married to someone he only knew a few months he seems to be able to have the money to take her all over the place constantly buying things for her and every month it is another anniversary for them.  In lieu of getting your brother anything for his birthday and Christmas this year again. It seems it is more important to take her to Reno and the casino's etc instead for Christmas than to even make sure he sent anything to Storm even it was only a check for $1.00. Back in August and again now for Christmas.

Storm and I looked up to even see if he had called him on his birthday and we finally found it in the past bills. He managed to call past 8pm that night and then only talked to him for a whopping 3 minutes. There hasn't been any other phone calls to him since them much less any calls to him prior.

When he first married her and I got on him for not telling Stormie about it he tried to put him in the middle between me and him which was totally out of line and I told him so.

Yes she unfriended me a long time ago when I said I didn't respect anyone that didn't even bother to meet his kids first before she married him. And they all had to find out over FaceBook that he did. Even Storm. He didn't have the decency to tell him first he had to find it out via FB and by me showing it to him. She has now also unfriended you, you who are not even here and no one posts on his page in our family regarding all the feelings regarding all that is going on.

I have no respect for her whatsoever. I have also lost my respect of what I had left for him as well. He is really starting to remind me so much of your dad now. Storm has lost his respect for him as well and doesn't even want to talk to him anymore. I wish you were around to talk to him and to help him through this. My heart breaks for him just like it broke for you all those years of dealing with your dad and how upset and miserable he made you in his treatment of you. How much you wanted to be loved and be acknowledged and get to know him as a person and as a dad.

Now it is all about him and his wife and not about his kids anymore. Here he should be so proud of Storm and all his accomplishments and how hard he works to stay in Honor Academy and to keep up his grades. He is having a really hard time now and emotionally I know it is really taking a toll on him even though he always tries to act like it doesn't bother him. He tries to be such a tough cookie through it all. He never even wants me to put up any Christmas decorations anymore and hasn't for a few years now. He says he just doesn't care about it and as far as he is concerned it is just any other day. I know mostly it is because he never wants me to spend the money for anything as money is so tight for us all the time.

Anytime I ask him if he wants to do something or spend time with his friends it's always mom you don't have the money and what money you have we need to save it for stuff we need instead. Even for the gas for his truck.

I wish you were here so much to spend time with him and do things with him and give him more to look forward to other than to just sit at home. We had a conversation tonight about me telling him he really should get out some and spend time with his friends other than just staying home all the time and just sitting in his room on the computer. He told me mom we don't have the money for me to go places and pay for the gas. Besides that he said you never go anywhere and do anything either. I told him he needs to go out and find himself another nice girlfriend after what happened between him and Shannon. Find out where kids his age hang out and meet another nice girl. He was like well you don't do it - I said well I am old and fat lol not worth it to me and I am pretty set in my ways now and after all the jerks in my life over the years I don't think I could even find a decent guy anymore anyway.

I have Storm and Sissy in my life and Omi and Aunt Arleen and I talk now again, Sheila, Beverlee's mom and I have become good friends as well. She has really become a great friend and we talk about you and Bev and Takoda. She wishes she could have gotten to know you better and feels bad about the relationship she had with you. She realizes that you were a good kid in the long run. That is pretty much all I need anymore. I have the dogs, the cats and the chickens to take up my time along with always working on things here at the house.

We all miss you and really wish life would have taken a different turn where you were concerned and that you would have been spared.

I did a real no no tonight as well I broke down and bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked them. It has been over 10 months and I guess I should not have let my emotions and my anger and the trauma of it all get to me as bad as it did. My nerves and my depression and anxiety were at a total peak today and no matter how hard I tried to tonight I couldn't shake it. Of course Storm wasn't happy about it either but at least he didn't give me grief over it.

Sissy is my rock and Storm tries and he backs me and doesn't judge me either. I love all of you so much and wouldn't know what to do if I lost either of them as well as my loss of you. Sometimes at night I wonder what it would be like to just not wake up tomorrow. I know I would miss all the things I still want to experience with all of them, especially Loralei and Takoda. I want to be able to watch them grow and be a part of their lives as well. I wish you here for all of us and a part of our lives still and our rock as well in your own way.

I don't know if things will ever get better for me and I can ever come to some reconciliation over your loss. I so far have not been able to that. Especially when Storm is going through so much himself and always keeps his chin up and tries to act like nothing bothers him when in reality I know it does but he keeps it all to himself.

You know how worried I was about some guy coming into my life that would treat him like Larry treated you or to have another man come into my life that treated either one of you like he treated you. But yet now it is the other way around it is his step-mother going out of her way to do it to him. And Larry doesn't stand up for him and make sure that he is still a priority in his life. Keep in contact with him or tell him how proud he is of him or his accomplishments. Or proud he is his son. All I get are excuses about how he doesn't know what to talk to about him so why even bother to contact him or even call him anymore.

I feel I have let all of you down not just you, and Storm but also Brandy regarding how her dad is about staying in contact with her anymore either. Life is so short and it can end in a split second and all the wasted days or time when you could have called and just said I love you. What a waste.

I know you will never read any of this or even see it but I feel that this is something I would have said to you if you were here to listen. If I could talk to you again like we used to. Yes I was hard on you at times but I did it because I loved you and I only wanted the best for you and to be the best I know you could be. You did have a heart of gold although sometimes you really did screw up and hurt people without thinking about the consequences of your actions but I also know it wasn't on purpose to cause or inflict pain on those you loved.

I really wish you were here because I miss you terribly and miss our conversations good or bad. I love you with all my heart because you are my son and I wanted you right from the start. I never gave up on you even though I think you thought I did sometimes.

I love you so very very much and think about you ever day many times. I miss you with ever part of me and I always will. Sleep well my son - mom

The 1st Year

Cody, the pain is as fresh today as it was a year ago tonight for me. I still can't understand why it had to be you who left us. I think about you each and every day. You are never far from me in my thoughts and in my heart.

Some nights I just sit here on my bed and cry not understanding why I had to lose you. Why we all had to lose you. You loved deeply and freely in your life and you were a joy to be around (most of the time) lol. You made a difference in so many lives and touched so many people so I don't know why it was that you had to leave.

All the milestones for Storm that you are not a part of hurt me deeply. I wish so much you were here for him. You could see how much he has accomplished and how he is doing. I know Sissy misses you a whole lot as well. I wish you could be around for Loralei and for Takoda.

Sometimes I see or read something and it just gets to me so bad. The anguish I feel in my heart because you are not here is unbearable sometimes. I gave up trying to call or talk about it anymore I just keep it all to myself these days. As I sit here now with tears running down my face and pain in my heart I just miss you so much and wish you here with us still.

The hardest thing is trying to talk normal when you are crying and upset. But I have been getting pretty good at that lately. Other than today being Loralei's birthday this is not a very good day for me.

Today is your day and you are in a lot of hearts and minds today. Lots of your friends are thinking about you today. You are loved and missed by so many.

Storm and I planted a Pear Tree by the house today. It will be another reminder of you in the years to come. I love you so much Cody, I wish you were here with us all and not gone. Sleep well my son - mom

A Year Ago Tonight I Talked to You Last

It's been a year ago tonight since the last time I heard you tell me you love me and you miss me. I really miss you Cody. I still feel it is all so surreal and that you are just on some long vacation somewhere or where you can't call right now.

My birthday has come and gone again. Last year you wanted to be here for my birthday but you didn't make it. It seems like yesterday you and I were talking about that and you were asking if you could bring your spider and your lizard with you when you came. Just like it seems like yesterday that you and I talked and I 3-wayed to Omi so she could talk to you. It doesn't seem like a year has passed but yet it has. I do so miss you Cody and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you in some way or another.

Tomorrow we bring Storm's truck home. Yes, I said a truck.. funny huh? No he didn't want a truck but it is a really good one and I will feel a bit better that he is in a truck then in some little car instead when he drives around. The money we had left of yours has helped to pay for it and I know you would be happy with that. I payed for the rest of it. Now he just needs to get his regular driver license.

It was friday night this time last year actually that I got that phone call from Jessica. It changed my entire life. My life will never be the same ever again. I talk a lot about you to other people. You are still part of my life even though you aren't here with me anymore other than in my memories.

We have some more baby chicks and I remember how crazy you were about the ones we had before you left. I know how much you would enjoy being here with us and being around all the new animals. You always loved animals as much as I do.

You would also be happy to know that I quit smoking as well. I want you to know that I did that for you as much as for myself and Storm. I still love to smoke and I miss it but after your accident I wanted to do something myself just with you in mind. You hated me smoking so much and always made such a bit issue out if it when I was around you. Times when I really want one I just think of you.

I love you so much Cody and I miss you, miss you, miss you!! I wish I could just rewind the clock to this day a year ago. You are in my heart and in my mind and in my life forever. Sleep well my son - mom.

After The New Year

Cody, 

I was looking at the picture of you and Storm when you on Joan's couch holding Mojo and I see the happiness in both of your faces and the love you both have for each other. This has been the most horrid holiday season of my entire life. 

Starting with Thanksgiving then moving on to Christmas and the New Year. I missed you so much during all that time. Not to mention that China had her puppies and I know you would have just been so stoked about that as well. I have missed you every day so much all this time and I still miss you so much each day. 

I miss our relationship we had even though we don't always get along but we so understood each other. You are so much a part of my life and so vital to me. Just like Sissy and Storm both are. I want our conversations back, our arguments and everything. 

I cry for you and I mourn the fact you are no longer a part of my life each and every day. I loved you before you were even you. I endured so much to even make sure you got to be you. I sometimes cannot even believe that I endured all I did to bring you into this world just to have you leave it so soon, 

I have given up on the hotlines and no longer call them and I just endure the feelings that I have all by myself. I love you so much and I miss you Cody more than I can ever even describe to you. Sometimes I just want to die myself and see where that lands me in the hereafter. If I would be with you or if I would be sleeping like I believe you are. 

I miss the bond we shared. No matter how we were with each other we did have a bond with one another. I miss that Cody, more than I can say. I miss you and I miss your phone calls and your texts and the pictures you would send me. 

I pray some day I will see you again and get to hold you and hug you and tell you how much I love you. Just know that each and every day I think of you and I cry for missing you and wishing you were still here with us. I regret the day I let you go and said good-bye to you. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for not having you come home after things didn't work out for you there. 

I love you so DAMN much and I miss you so DAMN much Cody. Sleep well my son - mom

Today is Christmas 2011

Cody,

Today is the first time ever in 25 years I have not been able to wish you a Merry Christmas and tell you I love you. I have so missed the sound of your voice these past nine months. Those all hours phone calls you used to make to me just to talk or see what I was doing.

Even though you could really get me so po'd at you sometimes, I miss knowing you are in the room right next to mine. I miss the way you could make me laugh no matter how mad or upset I was at you. I even miss going into the kitchen to cut a piece of french bread and it is all gone because you ate it all on me.

I am sitting here this morning just crying my eyes out because I miss you so badly. I know I won't get to hear or see you today and it tears me up inside. People say life goes on, but for some of us it stalemates on us and yes part of us goes on but part of us doesn't.

These past few weeks with these puppies really drives home that you are not here. I know how much you would have loved to have been around for them. How much you would have spoiled them just like I do. How much love you would have given to them. You would have spent time watching them playing like I do and get such a kick out of it. Stormie really doesn't have an interest in them like you and I do. He can pretty much take them or leave them and most of the time it is leave them.

Omi just called to wish us a Merry Christmas and it is so hard to not let her hear that I am crying. I hate having to answer a lot of questions or hear all kinds of religious stuff from her about what has happened to you.  Everything stays so bottled up for me most of the time about my feelings and how hard it is to handle that you are gone. I wish so hard you were still here with us but no matter how hard I want it to happen I know it never will and that you are gone from life as it is now forever.

I can't say as I am mad at you but I wish you would have listened to me all those times I talked to you about your driving. I never dreamed it would be me one day mourning the loss of you and hurting so much because you weren't here in my life anymore like you used to be. Mothers are not supposed to have to say good-bye to their children, it is supposed to be the other way around. I still wish this was just some horrid dream I needed to wake up from and it all wouldn't be true and you would still be here with us.

It will never get any easier for me, just maybe one day I won't cry as hard anymore. I love you so much Cody, and the hole in my heart doesn't get any smaller or hurt any less. Sleep well my son - mom

It's Almost Christmas

It has been a little over 9 months now. Sissy called me and told me how she broke down the other night and cried so hard. Chris came and comforted her even though she tried so hard to hide it. I can understand that. I try hard myself to hide how I feel and to keep all the feelings to myself and not make Sissy, Storm or Omi really see how much all this is effecting me.

We are both really mad at you and I don't think we will ever get over that feeling. Because you have deprived us of you!  I know it was not on purpose on your part but you never learned to listen and because of that you left us in this world.

Each day that I see things and do things and have the ability to witness all the things you would so love to be able to be a part of. Each day as I watch China's puppies grow a bit more and see all the cute little things they do I miss you so much because I know how much you would have wanted to be a part of all that.

I still feel an overwhelming grief where you are concerned and I think about you each and every day. There is a huge hollow spot in my life that cannot ever be filled. Other people their lives go on, and yes, so does mine, but mine is still stuck where you are concerned. I don't think I will ever come to terms with what happened to you and that you are no longer with me in my life.

I have dreamed about you twice since your accident and neither one was a comfort to me. Parents are not supposed to love one child more than another one. I don't love any one of you more than the other but I love you all in different ways if that makes sense at all. I had such a hard time bringing you into this world and then almost losing you in the pool on dad's birthday. You were special to me in your own way. Just like Brandy is special in her way because I lost her older brother to SIDS. And her being a girl and making my fears of losing her in the same way a little easier. Storm is special in his way because he came along after being told I could not have any more children. But I don't love any of you less than the other one. You are each special to me in your own way.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't hurt and don't miss you. I try to be brave and to not let my feelings interfere with life and to upset Storm and Sissy. It is so hard for me to put on this brave face and try and act like things are OK when they really are not.

I need to stay strong for Storm and I am sure you can understand that. I need to make sure he still has a normal life and can be the best he can and do all the all things that he is destined for. I want so much for you to still be here for him. He loves you so much and looked up to you as well for how smart you are.

I miss you so much and never doubt how much I love you. No matter how many times we argued and you didn't think I did. You were special to me and you always will be.  I miss you so much every day and as live each day and am able to watch life I see how much you would have wanted to be a part of all of it. Someday I will be all alone with no one here with me anymore. But I carry you in my heart each and every day.

I love you so much Cody, and I miss you oh so very much - sleep well my son - mom

Almost 9 Months - 9 Months since I talked to you last!

It's been almost 9 months since you left. Actually today is 9 months since I talked to you last. I miss the hell out of you Cody. So much has happened in the last 9 months and so much you would have wanted to be apart of. I miss you in my life, and I miss that you are not a part of Storm's life anymore. I know Sissy misses you so much as well.

Our lives are incomplete anymore because you are not a part of them. We can't talk to you and can't call you and tell you all the little milestones in our lives that are happening. I know you would have wanted to be a part of Takoda's life and spend time with him and get to know your son. I know Beverlee wanted you to be a part of his life and get to know him. I don't get to see him much so I am missing out a lot of his growing up. Even Stormie enjoys being around him when he gets the chance.

When Stormie and I rescued the kittens I know you would have loved that one. Now that China has her puppies I can only imagine the thrill you would have had over that. As they grow bigger each day and do more running around I can only see you here and know you would have already picked one out. You would have taken it and started loving all over it and named it and started to love it. You would have told me how that is yours and nothing I could have said would have changed your mind about it.

I miss seeing you and talking to you and hearing your voice and I even miss all those arguments we had.  I still watch the DVD a lot and think about you. I have memories, yes I do, but that isn't like you actually being here with me anymore. I read things and they make me cry and miss you more. The finality of it all is just so devastating to me. The fact that I wasn't there for you and I couldn't tell you goodbye and hug you close and tell you how much I love you.

We had our ups and downs you and I but my love never faltered in how much I loved you, and how much you meant to me in my life. We both said things now and then that we didn't really mean to make the other hurt as much as we were hurting each other. I tried lots of times to talk to you and tell you how much you meant to me and how much I loved you and how much you were wanted by me. I think sometimes you didn't actually believe that. I was so proud of you and how much you accomplished and I told you that.

I miss you so much in my life. There is this big empty hole in part of my life with the loss of you.  I still have Sissy and Stormie and I love them even more now because you are gone. I know how fleeting time can be and much an instant in your life can change everything for you. I appreciate all the time Sissy spends talking to me each day and some days if not for that I don't think I could make it through the day.

Even Stormie comes and talks to me a bit more some days then he normally would. The last time I talked to you I didn't get to talk to you very long because I conferenced Omi into the call. After you got done talking to her you and I also hung up. I wish we would have talked longer that night. 13 minutes total wasn't long enough. If I would have known that was the last time I would ever talk to you. I would have told you so many things.

There isn't a day that goes by I don't think of you or think of something about you.  I loved you so much, you were my putter-head and will always be that for me. My heart aches for the loss of you and the missing of you and the fact you are gone. Thanksgiving was a duel devastation for me this year. I was not only missing you but remembering that was the day 33 years ago that I said good-bye to your brother Dale as well.

I try and look at each new day and try and find something good about it. I have a hard time doing it. I watch the puppies get bigger each day and I know the joy you would have found in it. I try and think about that but I have a hard time really hanging onto that thought. I think sometimes it makes me miss you even more because you are not here to share all this with me. I know the joy you would have found in it and how you would have reacted to it all. I am saddened by the fact you are not here to enjoy all this with me. Stormie comes in now and then to see them but he is not really as excited about the puppies like you would be.

It's almost 5 in the morning and I guess I need to some semblance of sanity somewhere. I wish I could find it more often but I have a hard time doing it these days. I never thought I would be here again in my life ever having to say good-bye to one of my children. I love you so much Cody and I miss you to the depths of my core and I am having such a hard time with all of this. Sleep well my son - mom