Your Blanket

I finally got your blanket yesterday, after all this time. I opened the box and I just held it close to me and smelled it and I cried and cried. I couldn't quit for a long time. It was one of the most important things to you next to your games. Omi gave that to you back when you were like 11 years old. When we still lived in California. She bought one for each of you kids. Storm's was this Little Mermaid one and you got this one. Daniel and Jacob each got one as well.

No matter where you went or where you lived you took that blanket with you everywhere.Once I asked you why and you told me because Omi gave you that blanket. I hope after I give it to her she doesn't wash it. But knowing Omi she will. But it so smells like you.

The last few weeks I have been so depressed and just have stayed in my room 24/7 except to take out the dogs and take care of Luna and the puppies. I haven't wanted to do anything or be anywhere or anything. I miss you so much and wish I could talk to you. I walked to the store the other day and someone pulled up to the gas pump and it looked just like you. I see something and think about calling you but then I remember you are not here for me to talk to anymore. Then I just get more depressed.

The past week Storm has been in my room on one of my computers and that has been nice to have him in here all night. But he leaves in a week for over a month and I don't know how I will do when I am all alone with no one to talk to or have contact with. I have no energy and no drive for anything lately at all. I think about you and everything that has happened and I just fall into this great big void I guess.

I have been trying to quit smoking again but it is harder this time then the last time. I get depressed or think about you and have to have one. Although I am not smoking near as much only a few a day I still am smoking and that is not good. I just wish so much you were still here and I could talk to you or know you were coming home again.

We had our ups and our downs but I never ever stopped loving you no matter what ever. Everything I did or said was in your best interest because I wanted so much for you and knew you had it in you to be the best in whatever you wanted. You were my son and I was so proud of you for the choices you made in so many aspects of your life. And I bragged about you even if you didn't know it. I stuck up for you and didn't let people who tried to talk badly of you let them. You had so many decent and good qualities they so far outweighed any bad.

I haven't decided yet when to give Omi your blanket. She still is down in Florida right now. I think I will keep it a while before I do. I feel I need it right now myself. But I will give it to her in a while. I think Omi needs part of you as well. And since your blanket from her meant so much to you, that is the biggest thing I can give her of you. She so deserves that.

Especially after being so shunned at Teri's service and not even being mentioned in the obituary for Teri. But the dog being more important then the person that raised Teri and was so important to Teri in her life for so many years. It didn't matter so much to me that I was not mentioned as I never expected to be in the first place. As it was mostly I was never considered to be their sister anyway for most of all of their lives. Only Teri really ever considered it.

She was so sweet when she found out about you and called me all the time to tell me how sorry she was and how much she loved me after she found out about your accident. She told me over and over how much she loved you and how sorry she was about you. Teri was pretty extraordinary in her own right. She had a lot of problems but she always loved everyone regardless.

Remember when we went out to the house when we went to Florida a few years ago? She was so happy to see everyone again. You were the one that went into the house to go and get her. It just made her day that day to see all of us again. That was the last time any of us saw her as well.

You left in March and she left in April it is so not fair to anyone that both of you left so early in your lives. I can't even move on from you much less anything else. Teri and I were not close anymore but I still feel badly about her. My heart and my mind are just so involved with you that nothing else really penetrates it right now. I am just having such a hard time and really don't know how to handle it all the more time passes. It is still so all unreal to me no matter what I see or have or know.

I just miss you so, so, very, very, much and each day that passes the pain just gets deeper and deeper and I wonder sometimes how I am even hanging on to sanity sometimes. I love you Cody I hope you realized that deep down even though I guess sometimes you wondered about it or needed affirmation of it. I miss you more each day and Love you so very much. Sleep well my son - mom

Teri

I started this on Friday, May 5th, but I am going to put it in there how I had it when I started it.

Well Cody, I got my hedge in that I ordered a while back and yesterday Stormie and I planted most of it. We still have to do the side by the driveway but for the most part we have the front and the side between Charlie's house and our house done. I told Storm we would do the rest in the morning. 

I got some of the garden redone where stuff didn't grow that I planted and Storm leveled it out for me tonight where I roto tilled it this morning. The Chantix seems to really be kicking my butt and making me really tired all the time. Yep I am trying to quit again. I did real good last year remember? I don't seem to have any energy at all right now and am just tired all the time right now. I am hoping it will pass soon. 

Today was the service for Teri. Omi called but I missed the call tonight and she isn't answering when I call her back. I think she didn't turn the phone off of vibrate. So I don't know. 

Everything I heard it was not a very good service for her at all. It seems everyone was real disappointed. Dale was there he sat by Omi she said. Omi was not even in the obituary at all but apparently they put the dog in there. 

Then on Friday night the neighbors came home around 10 to 11 and decided to park cross wise in their yard with the head lights blaring into the front porch and got Luna going big time out there. Mojo and China were going off here in the house horribly as well. When I walked out on the porch Luna had knocked over all the plants everywhere out there. I was so mad. 

The Road to California

I have been thinking about this for a while now, when we moved to California. You and I loaded up the car with what we had and headed out. I had bought a CB radio for the trip because you remember how I always had one whenever I drove long distances anywhere. You loved talking on it. "Breaker one nine" and you called yourself the Green Hornet.

We hooked up with those PRIME drivers and ran with them for hundreds of miles. We all stopped to get something to eat and sat and talked for a couple of hours at the truck stop. One of them told us all about his pet panther he had. His handle was Panther. You asked if you could ride with the older one and he said you could and you thought that was just the neatest thing to be able to ride in a big truck. You kept talking with me over the CB just having a blast.

So the 3 of us headed out again with you in the big truck in the front me in the middle and the one that called himself Panther behind me.

That night when we stopped to eat dinner they asked where we were sleeping and I said in the car at a rest area and they bought us a hotel room for the night. So we got to sleep in beds instead of the car that night. We met them for breakfast the next day and ran together again for a bit until they had to get off and go their way, and we had to go ours.

When we got close to the Grand Canyon I asked you if you wanted to stop and see it and you said you wanted to. It was cold and had actually snowed some and was quite overcast but we went there and stopped and went to the the different look out spots to see. Although it was real foggy and you really couldn't see all the way across the Canyon that day. But you had so much fun running around just looking at stuff.

Then we finally made it to California and to Uncle Hans's house where we stayed for a little while. And another story starts at this point of our lives doesn't it?

I love you very much Cody and I miss you so very much, not a minute passes I don't think about you. Some day maybe I won't cry anymore but that day hasn't come yet. I am not even sure if I will ever be ok again, but I am trying.

I love you Cody and miss you more each day - Sleep well my son - mom.

May 1st

I got some bad news again last night Cody, your Aunt Teri passed away sometime yesterday late a.m. or early noon. We really don't know too much about it yet. Omi called me last night and told me. She is really upset about it. Teri would have been 53 on the 5th of this month. We still don't know what happened to her or why she passed away.

Omi is going to go down and bring Luna and the puppies here to stay with me while she goes down there. I wanted to go but Storm cannot miss anymore school and no one other then us can get close to China as you know. So I really can't go down there for the service. Not sure when they will be yet either and knowing Omi she will end up staying a week or so down there when she goes. It is never a quick trip for her when she goes down there.

Omi came and got all the logs today, most of them anyway. The rest she can take in her car the next time she comes in it. She brought this gas grill down here today too in case of another power failure here so we can cook. I told her to keep it she lives on the mountain and would be more likely to not have power then we would. But you know Omi.

I watch your DVD tons of times a day. I just seem to be addicted to watching it. Just can't seem to stop.... I bet I have watched it like 500 times or more by now.

Rachel's mom talked to me yesterday - started out about how happy she was to see I had gotten some help to remove the trees. I was like, yes it was. It was a wonderful bunch of kids from a church that helped me out, if not for them don't know what I would have done. So true that comment too. Sure wasn't the neighbors.

Anyway we got to talking about you and I told her all that happened after the accident. She said Rachel talks about you now and then. As you know we sure didn't have, don't have very friendly neighbors here.

Good example is when Omi came today. Steve was outside, Ann's ex husband, Rachel's brother was sitting on their front steps. Omi and I were loading up all the wood into the trailer that Josh and his friends had so graciously cut up for us to give to Omi from the trees. I told Omi it's funny how there are able bodied men outside watching 2 older ladies loading up all this heavy wood. And she of course commented back and I said yep one sitting over across the street watching us. And one walking around next door outside. I am not sure if Steve heard us or not but he came over shortly after that, after we had gotten a good amount of it already loaded and then helped us finish loading most of the rest of it.

Michelle and Fanny called tonight to check up on Storm and I. Offered us some help to try and get things fixed around here or whatever we need. It was great to just have someone offer something other then have to try and find it ourself somewhere. I still can't get over all the kids the past few days, they were just so awesome. If not for them we would still be out there looking at the trees and the devastation from the tornado's and the storms from Wednesday. Too bad their church is so far away I am sure Storm would go there if he could. He has always liked church. Any church is good even if it is not SDA. Never really got much from going to the SDA church anyway. You remember all the times I tried to start going again? Just always seemed not to work out with those churches.

Well I think I am still pretty worn out from this whole last week and going to try and get some sleep. I love you very much Cody, and I just can never tell you enough how much I miss you and how I do miss you more each day than the day before. Sleep well my son - mom