Your Blanket

I finally got your blanket yesterday, after all this time. I opened the box and I just held it close to me and smelled it and I cried and cried. I couldn't quit for a long time. It was one of the most important things to you next to your games. Omi gave that to you back when you were like 11 years old. When we still lived in California. She bought one for each of you kids. Storm's was this Little Mermaid one and you got this one. Daniel and Jacob each got one as well.

No matter where you went or where you lived you took that blanket with you everywhere.Once I asked you why and you told me because Omi gave you that blanket. I hope after I give it to her she doesn't wash it. But knowing Omi she will. But it so smells like you.

The last few weeks I have been so depressed and just have stayed in my room 24/7 except to take out the dogs and take care of Luna and the puppies. I haven't wanted to do anything or be anywhere or anything. I miss you so much and wish I could talk to you. I walked to the store the other day and someone pulled up to the gas pump and it looked just like you. I see something and think about calling you but then I remember you are not here for me to talk to anymore. Then I just get more depressed.

The past week Storm has been in my room on one of my computers and that has been nice to have him in here all night. But he leaves in a week for over a month and I don't know how I will do when I am all alone with no one to talk to or have contact with. I have no energy and no drive for anything lately at all. I think about you and everything that has happened and I just fall into this great big void I guess.

I have been trying to quit smoking again but it is harder this time then the last time. I get depressed or think about you and have to have one. Although I am not smoking near as much only a few a day I still am smoking and that is not good. I just wish so much you were still here and I could talk to you or know you were coming home again.

We had our ups and our downs but I never ever stopped loving you no matter what ever. Everything I did or said was in your best interest because I wanted so much for you and knew you had it in you to be the best in whatever you wanted. You were my son and I was so proud of you for the choices you made in so many aspects of your life. And I bragged about you even if you didn't know it. I stuck up for you and didn't let people who tried to talk badly of you let them. You had so many decent and good qualities they so far outweighed any bad.

I haven't decided yet when to give Omi your blanket. She still is down in Florida right now. I think I will keep it a while before I do. I feel I need it right now myself. But I will give it to her in a while. I think Omi needs part of you as well. And since your blanket from her meant so much to you, that is the biggest thing I can give her of you. She so deserves that.

Especially after being so shunned at Teri's service and not even being mentioned in the obituary for Teri. But the dog being more important then the person that raised Teri and was so important to Teri in her life for so many years. It didn't matter so much to me that I was not mentioned as I never expected to be in the first place. As it was mostly I was never considered to be their sister anyway for most of all of their lives. Only Teri really ever considered it.

She was so sweet when she found out about you and called me all the time to tell me how sorry she was and how much she loved me after she found out about your accident. She told me over and over how much she loved you and how sorry she was about you. Teri was pretty extraordinary in her own right. She had a lot of problems but she always loved everyone regardless.

Remember when we went out to the house when we went to Florida a few years ago? She was so happy to see everyone again. You were the one that went into the house to go and get her. It just made her day that day to see all of us again. That was the last time any of us saw her as well.

You left in March and she left in April it is so not fair to anyone that both of you left so early in your lives. I can't even move on from you much less anything else. Teri and I were not close anymore but I still feel badly about her. My heart and my mind are just so involved with you that nothing else really penetrates it right now. I am just having such a hard time and really don't know how to handle it all the more time passes. It is still so all unreal to me no matter what I see or have or know.

I just miss you so, so, very, very, much and each day that passes the pain just gets deeper and deeper and I wonder sometimes how I am even hanging on to sanity sometimes. I love you Cody I hope you realized that deep down even though I guess sometimes you wondered about it or needed affirmation of it. I miss you more each day and Love you so very much. Sleep well my son - mom