It's almost your 25th Birthday

Well Cody, Omi was here with me all week from Sunday until yesterday. We went to some seminar classes all week at Wildwood. It was pretty interesting for the most part. I gave away the last 2 of Luna's puppies last Sunday before Omi got here. A guy came over and took both of them for his 2 little girls and they will have 5 acres to run around on. I am sure they will love it there.

I thought about you a lot all week long and I really missed watching the DVD. I really couldn't because Omi was here and she doesn't agree with me watching it so much. I had so many memories going on inside my head, stuff I had almost forgotten because it was so long ago.

When you were almost 2 or about 2 and one of your baby teeth had come in sort of clear and I took you to the dentist and I had to hold you down and you poor baby screamed and screamed, because they waited so long after giving you the medicine to make you calm and sleepy to remove the tooth and by the time they finally called you back there the medicine was long gone in your system. They pulled out that baby tooth.

How you got your first stitches when you were about 3 or so because Granny gave you a pocket knife and the first thing you did was cut your wee little finger. It was at night and Pa called one of the dr.s from the church and drove you to their house and they stitched up your poor little finger.

I was thinking how we grew up together so to speak. I was 20 when I sissy and 26 when I had you. I worked a lot after I had you two, with sissy I worked 2 jobs a lot of the time. After you came along I ended up going back to Florida and starting the cabinet shop and I did that for 3 years or so.

It's like I was growing up with you and sissy at the same time you both were. We were close and like the 3 musketeers. We played video games together and watched movies together and listened to music together and did a lot of stuff together. I miss those days - playing Mario Brothers together and laughing and having so much fun. I wish we could all go back to those days.

I love you so much Cody, and I miss you more and more - Sleep well my son - mom

Sunday June 12, 20111

Every time I read how someone had a dream about you I have been so envious about it, because I had not had one dream about you since the accident.  Then on Monday morning I had a dream about you. In the dream you came to me and both of us knew you were gone but you had been allowed to come see me and talk to me again. I felt so much comfort from that dream of you Cody, felt as if you were here with me. We talked about things that had been going on since the night you left, about the drama and your belongings. I was so happy to see you and talk to you and hug you it was just so awesome. 

I miss you so much and even though you sleep with me every night and are still a part of my life each day even though you are not here physically I still talk to you and try and keep you in the loop of all the things that are going on. Maybe that is why I had that dream about you. 

I even had a dream about Aunt Teri a few days later. Everything is all playing on my mind and in my subconscious constantly, the feelings of being used and of dishonesty and the disloyalty to you and to your memory. I think it all culminated into this dream of everything I am feeling about everything where you are concerned. Somehow it all escalated into having this dream about you and telling you all that has been happening with everyone concerned and what has been happening with all the things you owned that were yours. It is unsettling to realize that nothing about you was as precious to other people as it was to your own family and that you being gone has created nothing but a bunch of vultures where some of your belongings are concerned.

No matter what I say or how I ask nothing gets returned to us it seems that mostly greed is the name of the game. So many have moved on with their lives and you are now just a fading distant memory and what was yours means nothing compared to what it means to myself, Storm and Brandy. 

I go through each day missing you and have such a hard time looking at your pictures without just totally breaking down and missing you so much, missing talking to you even fighting with you and everything about you. I miss the person you were and who you were becoming and even the things that are supposed to be helping me are not doing that great of a job. A big part of me was ripped out the night you had your accident and left me. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have to go through the rest of my life without you in it physically. 

I see so many kids that don't even come close to the man you were becoming that do some of the worst things and get to still be here, and here you are with one of the biggest hearts I have ever known and you are gone from my life forever. Where is the fairness in any of that? Even Jessica had no problem moving on but has yet to return most of your belongings even your memory card from your phone she kept. That didn't take her long to forget about you and go hook up with someone else.  You have only been gone for a little over 3 months and she hooked up with him within the first month you were gone. 

I really don't know Cody sometimes about people anymore. Yet, you always wondered why I decided to just hermit myself. Well it gave both of you boys time alone with just me and for us to become close and a family, I loved you both just that much, you were the most important people in my life and it didn't need to be clouded with some guy. 

I miss you so much and I just am having a really hard time dealing with this and your accident and that I will never see you again or hold you again or be able to tell you how much I love you. You were so extremely important to me whether you believed it or  thought you were. Both of you boys are and Sissy you are my world and the best part of my life. You all are the most perfect things I ever created. 

I love you so much Cody, and I miss you more and more each day - Sleep well my son - mom

Sitting here Thinking...

I was thinking about the response that Jasmine Blaney posted on Cody's wall in response to what I said about the James's.

Who am I supposed to feel sorry for myself? Buster who never bothered to call Cody back when he left the message on his answering machine? He, I am sure had not talked to Cody in almost a year and didn't bother to return the call because he was all worried it was about Cody going to ask him for money. Or should I feel sorry for Meg don't think so.

I think the ones the most devastated by this is, are my kids, Brandy and Storm, and my mom and myself. But I don't see where the sympathy lies in any of those areas. It seems all the sympathy lies with the James family who really didn't have much to do with him in the first place. Yes, Buster loved him but Buster complained about him constantly and never said many good things about Cody. Vicki and Megan are too wrapped up in their own lives to really give a crap about Cody or to ever have gone out of their way to ever have anything to do with him or to care what he was doing or anything about his life.

You know what matters is that your family cares about you and keeps in contact with you no matter what. That is not the case with any of the James's everything for them is all about themselves and nowhere does someone else ever impact their life if it has no value to them.

You know how I remember the Blaney's where Buster and Betty were concerned - the perfect kids they never had. So they surrogated them as their kids and treated them just as if they were. Yeah I am not perfect, never professed to ever be perfect and never will.

But my kids all of them Brandy, Cody and Storm are perfect. I couldn't be prouder of a child then I am of any of them. I am not perfect and they had to deal with a lot because of that from me. But I never lied to my kids or made myself out better then I ever was. I always told them I never wanted them to have to do or live the same life I had to or to have to deal with all the things I did.

So you want to tell me that you did not realize a phone call would help? Storm, Brandy, and I would have appreciated it more then you can even know. Not some post saying how you expected to walk into Megan's wedding.

None of you even requested a DVD I made up for Cody, not you or anyone in the James's family other then Andrew and Katy. I posted it repeatedly on his wall and not one request from any of you. It just shows me that it really doesn't mean that much to some people and show is more important then reality. He went out of his way for so many of you but you don't seem to realize just how much he did, or how much you all meant to him. And that he didn't mean the same amount for some people.

If you think I am being harsh, I am because he is my son and I always did my best for him and protected him to the best of my ability from all the bad things and the fact he really wasn't loved as much as he should have been by some members of his family. He can no longer say a word but I can on his behalf and I will until the day I am gone. If you don't like what I have to say, I really don't care, the only people that mean anything to me at this point is Cody, and Brandy and Storm and my mother and my grandchildren, other then that what anyone else thinks means squat to me.

So once again in response to your if you knew ...... Wonder why I don't go to an SDA church..... Why I don't preach to people or try and get them to be SDA..... because I have seen it too much in my life...

Cody I love you so very much..... I miss you more and more and more and more each day, it has been really hard for me lately, Sleep well my son - mom

Shannon

You know I decided to look at Shannon's FaceBook page for the day when you had your accident. You know Cody, she never liked you at all and we both knew that. She always complained about you whenever you would go down there. The day after your accident she made it all about her. She wasn't your mother, never even tried to be a real Step-Mother to you either. You were always competition to her children, since you were David's firstborn child and only child with me. She couldn't do anything about Brandy since Brenda and her were friends and if she wanted to alienate Brenda then she would have had to treat Brandy like she did you. But since you had no bearing on Brenda and her relationship, and my relationship with her was non existent she could alienate you from her.

Nowhere did she even post anything on her page about me, your mother. No she only worried about herself and made it out as like she was the only one and her kids dealing with your accident. Everything about Shannon has always been just about her and no one else. The more drama she creates that she is a part of the happier she is.

I remember all the summers you spent there when Granny and Pa had you come out to see them and they would still send you down there even after promising me they wouldn't do it. You would call me up all miserable and sad and just wanting to come home because you were so unhappy there. You were always the red-headed Step-Child there just like you were with Larry. Never accepted, never loved and always treated badly. You could do no right and everything you did was wrong.

How many times she would call me and tell me she didn't like you and how you were interfering in "Her" family and creating conflicts in her home. And you were just the most evil child she ever came across. Yet it is just amazing to me how you turned out so great and Andrew is the one using drugs, smoking cigarettes and drinking and is not anywhere near as smart or great as you. You who never used drugs or drank much ever and hated anyone smoking. Yet you were so bad? No you were great and you turned out so awesome made me so proud to call you my son. Even though sometimes I said the opposite when you were doing stupid stuff that I felt you shouldn't be doing. But I told you over and over many times how proud of you I was.

You were great and when I look at your other brother I wonder about that. None of them on that side of your family really gave a shit to ever keep in touch with you. Only now that you are gone they try and make it all about them when it isn't, they had their chances and chose not to when they had the opportunity to do so. I know you might not like what I am saying but I have to say it. It all weighs heavy on my heart and on my mind. I despise all the fake pretenses of how much you are missed by some that never had much to do with you in the first place or who never loved you to begin with.

I have always been outspoken where you are concerned and stuck up for you and I am going to say now all the things that are on my mind where you are concerned and all repercussions be damned over it. I am your Mother and I will always be that and I will always look out for you regardless of anything. The rest can just screw themselves.

I love you so much and I miss you so much - Sleep well my son - mom

Lately

I know I haven't written in a while... I have been pretty depressed lately and have not wanted to do much of anything. Storm left Thursday and went to California for the next month and some. So now I am all alone for the first time in years. I know if you were still here, you would have been home with me while he was gone. I guess that knowledge is what is depressing me so much. Every time I would think about Storm's up coming trip that thought was so much in my mind.

The drama is never ending as well and just continues on. Even drama surrounding the passing of Aunt Teri has been going on. It seems that people seem to create more crap after you are gone then they ever did while you or she were here. Why is it that some people all of sudden give a shit after you are gone then they ever did when you were here?  It is so damn disgusting that it makes me want to heave more then anything else.

I put a post on my wall that said " Do you really want to know what I think?" and that was all I wrote. Well apparently Shannon must have some sort of a guilty conscience because she was the one to answer that and create drama surrounding your computer. Although she tried to insinuate that they only owed you 600.00 for it as according to her bullshit they sent you wow.. 200.00 to send it to them, when you and I both know they only sent you 150.00 and you had to pay 220.00 to mail it and you insured it. They are all too stupid and computer illiterate to do what you said in order to make it work. Well they can bite you and I both they know they stole it from you. Kelli is still paying on that computer as it is. Too bad you didn't have Omi pick it up last year when I told you to have her get it while she was there. But you always were like that too, hoping for the best and it not happening.

She was giving me grief on the way home from the airport on how I am dealing with all of this. I finally told her that unless I stayed drunk 24/7 she could say something about how I am working through all this, but since that is not the case she needed to stay out of it. Yes, I dwell on it every day, and you sleep with me every time I sleep, since you are stay right in my bed in the middle. I watch your DVD a lot too. But I miss you and I love you, even if you feel you didn't hear that enough from me. I always loved you so very much. I always knew why you did the things you did and I excused them because I did know you so well and because I did love you so much. Yes, I gave you a harder time then Storm but that was because you needed me more and you needed to understand that you were needing to come to grips to what you were really upset about and who you were mad at the most. You had such a hard time with that and really never wanted to acknowledge that and you really needed to. I know you might not understand that but I did.

I still have a hard time with all this and I look at pictures of you and see you in my mind and can't believe any of this true. That I will never see or talk to you ever again. Sometimes I just think to call you and then I remember and that just depresses me more. I remember conversations or even arguments we had and I get so upset. I envision you in my room, on my bed, in the bathroom, or the kitchen or anywhere in this house. I just miss you so much. I get so scared for Stormie now. I lost your older brother and I now lost you too. I worry so much I will lose Storm too now. I hate the things I think about now. I just miss you so much Cody, I miss everything about you, good and bad it doesn't matter. I was so proud of you, I told you that many times but I don't know if you ever believed me or not. I wish you were still here.

I love you so much, I miss you more and more each day - Sleep well my son - mom