Lately

I know I haven't written in a while... I have been pretty depressed lately and have not wanted to do much of anything. Storm left Thursday and went to California for the next month and some. So now I am all alone for the first time in years. I know if you were still here, you would have been home with me while he was gone. I guess that knowledge is what is depressing me so much. Every time I would think about Storm's up coming trip that thought was so much in my mind.

The drama is never ending as well and just continues on. Even drama surrounding the passing of Aunt Teri has been going on. It seems that people seem to create more crap after you are gone then they ever did while you or she were here. Why is it that some people all of sudden give a shit after you are gone then they ever did when you were here?  It is so damn disgusting that it makes me want to heave more then anything else.

I put a post on my wall that said " Do you really want to know what I think?" and that was all I wrote. Well apparently Shannon must have some sort of a guilty conscience because she was the one to answer that and create drama surrounding your computer. Although she tried to insinuate that they only owed you 600.00 for it as according to her bullshit they sent you wow.. 200.00 to send it to them, when you and I both know they only sent you 150.00 and you had to pay 220.00 to mail it and you insured it. They are all too stupid and computer illiterate to do what you said in order to make it work. Well they can bite you and I both they know they stole it from you. Kelli is still paying on that computer as it is. Too bad you didn't have Omi pick it up last year when I told you to have her get it while she was there. But you always were like that too, hoping for the best and it not happening.

She was giving me grief on the way home from the airport on how I am dealing with all of this. I finally told her that unless I stayed drunk 24/7 she could say something about how I am working through all this, but since that is not the case she needed to stay out of it. Yes, I dwell on it every day, and you sleep with me every time I sleep, since you are stay right in my bed in the middle. I watch your DVD a lot too. But I miss you and I love you, even if you feel you didn't hear that enough from me. I always loved you so very much. I always knew why you did the things you did and I excused them because I did know you so well and because I did love you so much. Yes, I gave you a harder time then Storm but that was because you needed me more and you needed to understand that you were needing to come to grips to what you were really upset about and who you were mad at the most. You had such a hard time with that and really never wanted to acknowledge that and you really needed to. I know you might not understand that but I did.

I still have a hard time with all this and I look at pictures of you and see you in my mind and can't believe any of this true. That I will never see or talk to you ever again. Sometimes I just think to call you and then I remember and that just depresses me more. I remember conversations or even arguments we had and I get so upset. I envision you in my room, on my bed, in the bathroom, or the kitchen or anywhere in this house. I just miss you so much. I get so scared for Stormie now. I lost your older brother and I now lost you too. I worry so much I will lose Storm too now. I hate the things I think about now. I just miss you so much Cody, I miss everything about you, good and bad it doesn't matter. I was so proud of you, I told you that many times but I don't know if you ever believed me or not. I wish you were still here.

I love you so much, I miss you more and more each day - Sleep well my son - mom