Nancy

I felt I could write this here on your page Cody because I knew you would understand. You met Nancy when you were almost 8 years old. She always treated Brandy and you as if you were a part of the family even though Larry and I never married.

I know it wasn't always quite the same but she came pretty close for the most part.  She sure helped me with a lot of advice and telling me how to go about things after Storm was born. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't have been able to go back to college as she was the one that told me what I should do and whom I should contact in order to be able to do that.

She enveloped all of us and greeted us into the rest of the family whenever were around and never treated us any differently then anyone else. She was such a wonderful giving woman and always so kind and happy, not to mention she was a wonderful cook!

I was glad that Storm and I each were able to talk to her one last time before she left us last Friday morning on the 11th of November. That I was able to say good-bye and tell her I loved her and appreciated all she had done for us while we lived with Larry and the kids.

Elysia called me in the morning and told me what had happened. I felt so bad for them because I knew what they were all going through. I was just glad they all had the opportunity to at least say good-bye to her before she left them. Something we were not able to do with you.

I had Omi call Elysia and you know Omi she was more than willing to do that and have a prayer with her and try and be helpful. She wanted to call Larry but I told her he was busy trying to get out of the house to go up to the cabin so it was not a good time to call him right then.

I know you would have wanted to call her before she left as well if you were still here with us and tell her good-bye. You were just that way. Like when you found out about Pa's last wife and wanted to tell him you were sorry to hear that had happened to him.

I have to admit we were blessed to be as close as we all were. Sissy, Omi, Storm, you and I all a family and staying in touch all the time no matter what ever happened between any of us. We loved, argued, fought and made-up like a family would and forgive no matter what. None of us ever lost touch with the other no matter what. Not all families can say that, but we can.

I am feeling very badly for all that Larry's family is going through right now and especially Larry's dad. I only hope they can find some solace and relief over all the grief they are feeling right now. They are in my heart and I know in Storm's heart as well, along with Omi and Sissy.

I love you so much Cody and I miss you something awful daily. Sleep well my son - mom

It is November 9th almost Nine months since you left us.

I logged into EQ for the first time in months last night. I found out the guild I was in had booted me, which is fine I had told them about you and that I might not be playing for some time. But it is sad to see that some people have no compassion for what another person is going through.

I met a very nice lady in another guild and I put Evi in there. She even had one of her guild members call me today. It was awesome to talk to someone other then the grief counseling people that are so sick and tired of hearing from hearing from me. He let me cry on his shoulder and let me get a lot of my feelings out without being condescending about it.

I also talked to Omi tonight and cried a lot while I did. She tries to understand what I am going through but it always comes back to Jesus and God for her. Yes she was your grandmother and also Dale's grandmother but she doesn't really understand just how I feel a out the loss of you and your brother. I had 3 months of memories with Dale, but I had almost 25 years of memories with you. You were such a part of me for half of my life.

I am having such a hard time coping with your loss and I wish I could find a way to deal with it better. I call the grief counseling and they are so sick of hearing from me that they hardly ever talk to me anymore. Storm's counselor was going to talk to me but it didn't work out for them to take me to see her and I don't get into sessions she has with Storm. Those are his sessions and his safe place to talk and have nothing to do with me or anything he needs to let me know about other then what he wants to share.

I am drinking too much again just so I can sleep because I have a hard time even going to sleep anymore. My mind just keeps going on and on about stuff and it makes it hard for me to even fall asleep unless I just pass out from too much beer.

Now it is not just you that I miss and mourn in my life it is Dale as well. The day he left this world is coming up on the 21st. You know how hard it was always for me at this time of the year and thinking about that each year.

I look around this house and every time I see Mojo and China I remember how it was when you brought Mojo home. China I just reminds me of the fact how much you wanted me to get you Luna and how much you loved her and cared for her.

The tree I still have standing in the back yard and that limb you were cutting off and then had to move the chainsaw and cut higher up that little stub still is there just so I can remember that and I wouldn't let Storm cut it off or Tim either when he was building our fence and helping me clear what Storm and I didn't get done.

There are reminders of you all over this house and memories I have everywhere I look.

Dinky is so fat these days yes I know you and Kelli named him "Fucker" but he is still Storm's cat to the max. Storm even renamed him Fatty Boy. Storm told me if he gets into a college where he can take him with him he will take Dinky with him there.

I was sad to see that the kitten you had on your shoulder in one of your pictures passed away as well. I was a bit more disappointed that when Jessica posted it she didn't use the picture of her sitting on your shoulder.

I don't hear from Kelli or Beverlee much and I am sorry I don't. Leesa texts me quite a bit and talks to me and I really appreciate that fact. She is engaged now and I am happy for her and I know you would be too.

Do you remember Marcia one of the ladies I used to work for back when I worked for the VNA and Hospice of Northern California? I talked to her the other night she was awesome and let me talk to her about my feelings about what I am going through. I thought that was awesome of her she didn't have to even though she is a Psych Nurse and I used to do all those PowerPoint presentations for her and for Janet when I got laid off from there after Sutter bought them out.

I used to talk to her a lot way back when Larry and I were still together about you and the struggles you had with Larry and being accepted into his family. She was always such a good friend to me.

It's a hard road for me Cody and I am trying my best to cope with it all. I keep trying to tell myself "no regrets" but it really is not easy. It is much easier to say then it is to do. I never thought I would lose you in my life that you would be here for me always until I left this world and not the other way around.

I am still trying so hard to cope with all the things that have transpired and what to do with all that and I really don't have any answers to any of it.

I love you so much Cody and I miss you more then any words I could write could even describe it - Sleep well my son - mom

It's November and I Miss you so Much!

I sat outside tonight and I looked around at the new fence that I had put up all around the yard and I thought about you Cody. I thought about the fact you would have been so happy to have seen Mojo and China be able to run around free and not on leashes. I know you would have loved the goats too and how they follow you around and want to be petted and loved.

I know your friends have lives and they all have to go on living them. But I miss talking to them. I spend countless hours trying to find someone to talk to sometimes. I know it is horrible to say that but it is true. The grief counseling place I call a lot one of the girls there refuses to even talk to me anymore so I just hang up when she says her name. I miss you so much that it hurts so bad down to the bottom of my being.

I cannot describe what I feel sometimes it is an ambiguous feeling the pain is tremendous and the knowledge of never ever being able to have you in my life as a physical being again is horrific.

We had our ups and our downs but we always had each other no matter what. Now I don't have you anymore and I am having such a hard time dealing with that aspect in my life. Storm still needs you so much in his life and he no longer has you and I know that is hard on him even though he will never admit that. You know how he is so unemotional it is almost unnatural.

The one person he looked up to and talked to the most was you, and you are not here anymore for him. He needed you so much in his life and to help him and you are gone now. He really has no one to challenge him anymore and to make him think and to become the best he can be. I try and Sissy tries and I hope it will all work out for him. He loved you and emulated so much of the good of you. He respected the fact that you were so intelligent and knew so much and looked up to you for all that you knew.

You were two little peas in the same pod and were so smart and played off each other and the knowledge that both of you had. You depended on each other and if one didn't know it then the other did and you talked all the time about stuff and learned so much from each other.

I miss having you in our lives and having you call and just talk or ask for Stormie because he wasn't answering his phone.

Your dad got out of jail the other day and got probation for his charges. I wonder just how long it will be before he violates it all. I talked to him after the service for you and he swore he would change his life. He didn't and he ended up in jail for all of the things he did wrong.

I have a hard time each night realizing the fact you are not here. I watch the DVD and I go places and I think things and I have such a hard time accepting the reality of the fact you are not here with me anymore. I miss you so much and I love you and miss you so much that I cannot sometimes deal with the fact that you are not here with me anymore.

Who the hell am I trying to kid? I am having a very hard time accepting the fact you are not here with us anymore. I call the grief counseling line and they are so sick of hearing me call them that some of them won't even talk to me anymore. I watch that DVD and I miss you so much and wish you were here with us. I cannot accept the fact you are gone.

My life revolved around you for years. You were my life for years. When we moved to California it was you and I and I lived for you. You were my little putter head forever. Life changed when I moved in with Larry for both of us. I tried and I argued for you all the time. It never changed anything though and I am sorry for that. I always knew how you felt and I tried forever to change things for you and it never helped. All my trying to get Larry to express feelings for you were in vain. And your dad well that was a lost cause that never changed for you and I am sorry for that.

You always had Sissy, and Storm and myself. Omi as well even though she really didn't understand your needs and always preached instead. She loved you and will always love you just like all of us do. You had such a hard life where your dad was concerned and you never experienced love from any male figure in your life and for that I am sorry. I did the best I could do and what I thought was the best. It never happened and for that I have to ask your forgiveness.

I love you so much Cody, and I miss you and no words can describe the intensity of it. I have no words to that can describe what I feel for the loss of you and how devastated I am. I love you and I miss you Cody. Sleep well my son - mom

It's October Now!

It's now October and you have been away for a while now. With Halloween coming up it reminds me of the many Halloweens I took you out to Trick-or-Treat.

The one that stands out for me the most is the Halloween you almost drowned in Omi and Dad's pool. I was making a potato salad for Dad's birthday and you were just toddling around at that time. You were in the kitchen with me and Dad came in and was talking to me from the doorway and when he left I looked around and you were nowhere to be found. I walked out to the screened deck and saw you under water. I ran over there and reached down and pulled you out. I was so scared. You were just floating downward and looking up. I was so glad for all the times I had taken you to the pool and taught you how to hold your breath under water.

Shady hadn't even barked to let me know you had fallen in and I never heard a sound even though all the doors and the windows were open. You were none the worse from wear and it didn't even faze you one little bit. We still took you out later to go Trick-or-Treating.

That was one of your most favorite times of the year because of all the candy you would get. You went for years even long after you should have quit going out. You would go out with Stormie even to get Candy and steal his when you could get away with it.

I sure miss you. I missed you last night while I was watching Storm's competition and wished you could have been there with me to watch him perform. He is so right on target and snaps right to attention at the end of each song. I am glad he loves band as much as he does since it is the only thing he does in school each year.

I know you hated it because you had to carry your sax to school and back every day when you were in band.  I wish I knew what Pa did with your Sax, I would love to have it. I haven't heard from or seen Pa since the service but I guess he is ok. Not that anyone would ever call me and tell me anything anyway.

I am sure my dismal ways sometimes probably wear on Storm because there are days I just start to cry for no reason thinking about you. But he sure puts on a great face. I Thank God I have him to help me get through this. And for Sissy because if not for her as well I think some days I wouldn't want to live anymore. I never conceived this in any of my wildest dreams that this would ever again happen to our family. I know if you would have known the outcome of that night you would still be here with us. You would never have wanted to cause pain to any of us ever.

Storm even talked about you the other night to virtual strangers about your accident. That is the first time ever I have ever heard him talk about what happened that night. He never even talks to me about it ever. I was proud of him talking about it.

I sure miss your joking and teasing and even the arguments we had. I would give anything to have you back with us. The days pass and time goes on but you are so still with me each and every day in my heart and in my thoughts. In little moments of remembering or wanting to talk to you. To show you the new pets or the goats or just to say I love you. There is such a big hole in my life without you and not being able to share even little things with you anymore.

I am hoping China will have puppies in November and I know you would have been so excited about that to have a bunch of new chow puppies to play with. I can see you now in my minds eye just how you would be around them. You would have your favorites and you would name them all I am sure just like you did those stupid chickens we had. You would bug me to keep one of them and I would have to tell you no Cody no.

You and those stupid puppy pads when we first got Mojo, China and Luna. What a bright idea that was on your part. Never again. Took me forever to break Mojo from peeing on the bathroom carpets because they were the same color as those darn puppy pads.

I know I don't write very often right now but it is not because I don't think about it. I just seem to be having such a hard time that when I try I just start crying so much and then I can't. But Cody I love you so much and I miss you horribly more then anyone can know or understand. Sleep well my son - mom

September 25th - Birthday celebration for Takoda and Kelli

I have been looking forward to this day for the last 2 months. When I could spend time with Takoda and also with Kelli. The last time I saw either one of them was on your Birthday.

I had Omi pick us up yesterday and that did not go well at all. But that is neither here nor there really. Although Storm said he sat back and watched the show. Oh well.

When we got up to Omi's last night Luna was all over Storm and I. Omi was like Luna was the dumbest dog she ever had but Luna always sits there waiting for commands from us and won't listen to Omi when we are there. I sat there today and looked at her outside while I was smoking and I know she loved you totally and was your dog. She misses you as much as we do.

We got up there late around 3pm. Takoda was so hyper he really did not want to be held he was having a blast though. When Kelli finally got there she was able to hold him lots more then we were able to. I thought about you so much on the way home.

I really missed you and I know you would have been there if you were here. Like Kelli said she missed you calling her and telling her happy birthday. We all missed you so much today.

Omi thought I was upset because I am not close to where Takoda lives and can't see him very often. I was not upset about that I was upset because you should have been there and you would have been there if you could have been. I was upset because I missed you so much and you were missing so much. I was upset because you would have been there for everyone. I miss you and I can't hide that fact and the ache in my heart over it is so real all the time.

I can't look at Mojo or China ever without thinking about you. Luna was yours and does she really think I could forget that ever?

I looked at her today She has a disposition like you had. You were 2 peas in a pod Cody. I miss you so much. You and I had our ups and downs and we had out differences many, many times. You might have thought I didn't love you. But I love you so much.

None of this is right. You should be here and I shouldn't be without you and neither should anyone else that loved you and cared about you. Takoda should not be growing up without you in his life, but he is. Storm should not be living the rest of his days without you either and Brandy and Loralei should still have you in their lives. But none of us have you anymore and all we can do is try and honor your memory and keep you alive in our hearts and in our memories and remember you. I love you so much and I miss you so much. I have a hard time sometimes coping but I try. Someday we will be together again I really believe that. I love you so much Cody, I miss you more then I can describe to you. Sleep well my son - mom

Omi's Birthday Today

After reading Kelli's post a few minutes ago it really got me so upset. Then I saw I had a message from Leesa saying how "Walking in Memphis" had played where she was at training earlier. Then to top it off today is Omi's Birthday and I know I would have called you today to make sure you gave her a call and wished her "Happy Birthday" today.

I holler to an empty room and ask why.. Why did this happen... Why you... I scream at an empty room and can't control the waves of tears that stream down my face or the sobs that rack my soul. I cry for all that is lost for you all the experiences you lost all the days you missed. The joy of life that should have been yours for years to come.

The time we still would have had together and the memories you and I would still have shared. I cry because never again will I get those phone calls at all the strange hours from you because as you used to tell me all the time, "Mom I knew you would still be up." I cry because never again will I hear the words "I love you, mom" or feel your arms wrapped around me giving me one of your hugs.

I cry because it is so unfair that the only place you will ever be anymore is in the middle of my bed where you always loved to be. I cry because I miss the son I loved so much and gave me such a hard time and always kept me on my toes.

I cry because I remember the vibrant, happy go lucky kid you were. Always laughing and teasing and so fun loving. It is unreal to feel so much pain inside and to hurt so badly. Thankfully when the brunt of it really hits me Storm isn't around to witness it.

The intense waves of grief are horrible, overwhelming and then I question everything. The reasons why things are the way they are. I question why I am even still here on this earth. Why I have to go through this and what did I do in my life that justifies the loss of you after already losing Dale so many, many years ago.

Sissy lives so far away the only way we talk is over the phone or on skype now and then. There is not much I can do for her or for Loralei so far away. Only Stormie really still needs me and then only so he can finish his school here and then off he goes to college and then no one will be here to need me anymore. The only thing I did look forward to was always knowing in my heart that you would end up back here living here again and then I wouldn't be here alone. But that is gone and it will never be. So now I even question my own existence anymore and what good am I anymore really.

Takoda is so far away and I don't really hear from them very often at all. Trinity I am sure I will never see her again even though they live close. So what is the reason for being here anymore? I don't have any influence anymore on anyone those days are long gone.

Even Storm told me a few weeks ago that after college he plans on moving to Australia to live so then no one will be around anymore. Just you and I here all alone only I can't talk to you and hear you talk back to me anymore.

I just miss you so much and can't fathom the reasons why this happened. Why life had to turn so horribly wrong for all of us. Why this happened to you and the impact this has had on everyone. Not just me but on Takoda, Storm, Sissy, Omi, Kelli and everyone else that knew you and loved you.

All I know is that it is so unfair and painful. Missing you hurts so much and knowing there is nothing that can be done to change it. There are reminders of you all over this house. Even in the backyard with the trees you cut down that I still haven't been able to burn. I wish I could feel peace some days and not feel all this emptiness and pain that I do on a daily basis.

I love you so much Cody, and I miss you more each day. Sleep well my son - mom

Sissy's Birthday!

Today is Sissy's 31st Birthday. I know she is missing you today and missing a Happy Birthday from you.

This past week has brought back a lot of memories and old friends as well. I talked to Dennis for the first time in almost 10 years this past week. He used to do all kinds of stuff with you and Sissy. He was always a good friend and loved you both. He didn't make the service but he tried to get there.

I know Sissy remembers him more then you do but he loved having you around as well.

Today you should be teasing Sissy about going over 30 and how does that feel? But you aren't here to do that. I know she misses you so much and wishes you were still here. We all wish you were still here with us and teasing and laughing with us and loving and just being you.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you or miss you or wish I could talk to you. Life is not the same nor will it ever be. Some days are a struggle all the way around. Some days it is very hard to just go on but we do.

I know that you would tell Sissy you love her and you wish her a very Happy Birthday. I know you would have called her and talked to her today if you were here with us. I know how much you loved her and looked up to her all your life. Even when you didn't want to listen to me you did listen to her.

I want you to know how much you are loved and how much you are missed. Sleep well my son - mom