Just how "TRUE" of a friend is Josh Posh-Swanson actually?

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Crying

Cody, I was just sitting here listening to the rain outside my bedroom window and I started to think about the subject of this blog.  Why do we cry so much when someone leaves us?

Are we crying for them? for dreams never realized? things they can never get to do? things they can never do again?

Or -

Are we crying for ourselves? because we can't see you anymore? talk to you anymore? hear you laugh anymore? because we are deprived of your presence ever again?

Or -

Are we crying for the combination of the two reasons? I know it is because we are in pain over you not being here anymore and the hurt is astronomical even my brain is numb from the thoughts of it all..

I constantly replay stuff in my mind over and over again.  I worry about your last moments, your last thoughts, pain, suffering any of those things.. About your body broken and destroyed, my son who was so perfect, you hardly ever got sick and when you did it was bad, but never like just a little sick..

You had perfect, actually a bit better then perfect vision, the only one in the family that did. You seldom even got cavities I think you went most of your life without one..

If not for that stupid dentist Pa had you see you would never had to have gotten an implant if he would have done the cap right in the first place. You only needed that because you broke your tooth on the Tether ball pole in elementary school in the first place. And he was a crappy dentist to start with. Just because you go to the same church doesn't make him good. He did such an atrocious job your poor little tooth rotted out under the cap.

But back to why we cry. I know I cry when I see your pictures and I relive your life watching them on that presentation. Or when the Born Free song plays because I can so relate to your life in that song. When I see how much fun you were having when you were driving your car around on the snow in the parking lot.. When I see you wave that last time on that last night.

The few glimpses in the car of you smiling when you are taping inside the car - just to see that big ass grin on your face. Or like now while I write this. I know some of the reasons I cry. What are the other reasons?

You know sometimes after I lost Dale I would be watching something on TV and I could so associate it with him and all of a sudden I would just start crying so hard and so uncontrollably what ever it was that triggered it would make that strong of an impact on me in my memories. That was years later even after he was gone.

I want to see you standing here in my bedroom doorway again, or have you hollering at me from the bathroom, or seeing you on the computer as I walk by Storm's door on my way to the bathroom. Or even be able to holler at you to close the front door behind you when you come home from running around with your friends.

I haven't even dreamed since that night - not sure if that is good or bad.. I dreamed a lot before that night though. I dream a lot of the 2nd coming or rather I used to - I would be pretty scared when I woke up from those dreams - wonder if that was something telling me something and I didn't see what it was telling me.. I don't know.. I would never tell Omi I dreamed about stuff like that, she would have tons of opinions on it I am sure.

I was thinking last night as I was trying to fall asleep, if Satan did this to draw me away from God, well it didn't work because it has made me pray more and talk to God a lot more now then I ever did before. No, Cody I haven't gone to church, I still feel the way I did before about most of the SDA I have ever known in my life. I pray that God looks into your heart and finds the things I found there and judges you justly and takes you home with him when the time comes. Even if I don't make it I pray you do Cody. Omi would be pretty sad if you don't.

I think that is another reason I cry because I don't know what you were thinking where God was concerned after you left here. And I worry about that a lot. One of the first questions I asked Omi that Saturday was if she thought you would go to heaven. That is important to me and I hope you do.  I know I can't pray for your soul because that is not how it works. That is what makes it so hard. I really, really worry about that.

I am glad you won't be around for the end of things when stuff gets so hard. But I wish you were still here with all of us.

So I guess I cry for all of the reasons I asked and then more. I will cry for a long, long time and then some. The well hasn't dried up for my tears yet.

I love you so oh so very much Cody, and I miss you more each day then I did the day before - Sleep well my son - mom

Yesterday

I spent most the day in the back yard yesterday Cody. I got another burn permit and I burned up the branches you cut off the tree that is there in the back yard. I got some more of the big pile that was there when we bought the house burned. There is a lot more to go though.  I still have to try and burn up the 2 trees you took down as well over from on the fence line. Not sure if I will be able to get those done or not before May 1st.

I sat out there watching the fire and burning doing a lot of thinking and remembering about you. Just different things all through your life. My mind jumped all over the place.

When I finally came back into the house at about 6 to 7 I laid on the couch and just watched parts of that DVD over and over and over.. I ended up with one major headache and I don't know what caused it.. if it was me crying too much or if it was from the sun and heat all day outside. But whatever it was it hurt like crazy.

I got on Facebook too and looked at what time made that first post after I woke back up the night of the accident and I saw I posted at 11:46 pm.. I was up for just a bit prior to getting on FB and posting. I wonder if what woke me up was you. I guess I will never have the answer to that question but I would like to think that somewhere I felt you or it made me wake up.

It's like when you fell into the pool when you were little on Dad's birthday, I knew something was wrong and went running looking for you and saw you in the pool. You were so little that no one could even hear you fall in there. Thankfully I had taken you to pools a lot when you were a baby and you learned how to hold your breath under the water. But I still can see that picture in my mind of you floating you down deeper into the water  - face up looking at me. When I reached down and snatched you right out of there - Shady never even barked or let out a peep which also was strange.

You were fine though nothing wrong with you at all. Fine wasn't the word for me, I was shaking like a leaf and so grateful you were alright.

But I always wondered what made me wake up that night and maybe it was you.. maybe it wasn't I would like to think it was.

I love you very much Cody, and I miss you more and more every day - Sleep well my son - mom

Month & 3 Days

Cody, I have been reading posts on your wall and on the walls of your friends. Like Sissy said the other day - it still is not real to her and she feels numb.. I agree with that totally. We have had a month to try and absorb it now but it really still has not hit home.

I started to write this yesterday but then I received a call and when it was over, I finished watching one of the DVD's I made to make sure it was ok. As I was watching it, all that kept replaying in my head was the night of the accident and the phone call from Jessica - your son is dead.... I just kept replaying that in my head over and over and it was like a tidal wave hit me and I cried so hard.. but even when I have moments like that after they pass it still isn't real to me.

Yesterday, before Storm left I was so tired and was lying here on my bed to try and nap for just a bit. I only slept 3 hours the night before and then was outside most of the afternoon. I came in and made the labels and put them on all the DVD's and I was just drained and tired. But as I was lying here trying to doze for just a bit my brain was replaying that Friday night again in my head.. I need to see when I logged in that night. Because I logged in and got into my farm so that should give me a time on when I woke up. I keep thinking did I wake up as you had the accident? because I had not been up very long when she called me that night..

I envy people getting on with their lives.  I can't get past this not yet and don't know if I ever will. I talk about you and remember stories and times and things that happened in our lives. Memories I have of things we all did.

Things I do, I do because I have to not because I want to. Even working in the garden is not that exciting or fun for me. Not like it was in my head when I first ordered everything and had visions of what I was going to do in the back this summer.

I pray every night for God to watch over your brother and sister that nothing ever happens to them.. and I see the 2 split from the 3 and it's a horrible picture.

When I was trying to sleep finally this morning I had my hand on that cold piece of metal and kept telling myself over and over that you were in there.. and still I don't get it... Sometimes I get all these horrible pictures  of you in my head - the accident, the coronor's, the mortuary - you being cremated, and I do mean horrible.

I don't know, what is the processes your are supposed to go through when you lose someone? Is there really a process? What is normal and what is not? I don't think I have a process.. every day brings it's challenge of getting through it and my memories and how many times I sit and cry or walk around and start thinking and I start to cry. Sometimes it is so hard and deep I think that it is going to give me a heart attack or something it just is that intense.. Other times it is for an hour or so and I just can't stop. Other times it is for a few minutes or I get a call or something and then I can stop after just a little bit.

I was remembering how bad I wanted to die after Dale passed away and that I wanted to just go crazy so I wouldn't feel the pain or the grief I was going through. How moving through each day was like a dream. With your accident I can't even acknowledge anything. I really feel very alone most of the time. A lot of that is my fault I have isolated myself for so many years but I think even if I had friends I would still feel so very alone.

It is really a good thing I don't work for BlueCross anymore because they would only have given me 3 days and here it is a month and 3 days and I still can't really function much. I go through the motions of what has to be done - feed the dogs, feed the cats - water the garden - plants and did the weed eating in the front and the back yard but beyond that nothing. Even now I know I need to get up and go in the back yard and try and get all that stuff hacked down where you chopped the tree down last spring before it all takes over the back part of the yard again. But, yet, here I sit typing this instead.

I should be trying to burn all that crap piled up on that tree they chopped down and just left back there and I have to get rid of from when we bought the house. I only have a few weeks left I can burn this year until the fall. And most of that huge tree is still back there. So many things but no motivation to do it. I would rather watch the DVD and see the pictures and have memories and think about you instead.

I think I will go pour myself a cup of yesterday's coffee - should be hot by now.. and see where to go from there today..

I love you so very much Cody - and I really do miss you more and more each and every day - Sleep well my son - mom

Home made Harness

Well I can finally tell this story. After we moved back to Florida from Tennessee and started up the cabinet shop I took Brandy and you to work with me every day.

You were quite an active little guy even in those braces you had to wear.. couldn't keep you in one place ever.. you figured out how to get out of the port a crib with no problem and I always had to watch you like a little hawk.

When I worked in the back of the shop building or laminating or whatever I had to do back there I put a playpen out in the back behind the shop. I could see you easy enough but still had to worry about you getting out of that playpen as well.

Of course there were the railroad tracks right next to us as well and the train did still run on them. The field back there was pretty big and Omi and Dad owned the 2 empty lots next door as well.. So I had to come up with some way to make sure you were safe when I had you out there.

It was better for you to be outside since there was all the smells and fumes inside the shop that you really didn't need to be smelling or breathing.. Brandy was too little to really watch you when she was around as she was only about 7 going on 8 and of course she had school as well.

So your ingenious mom came up with a home made harness for you. I would put that harness on you and then tie you to the playpen so if you did crawl out of it you couldn't go wandering off.. People thought I was totally nuts putting that on you, they would say he isn't a dog.. lol... but I knew you were safe and couldn't go wandering off if I missed seeing you get out of the playpen while I was working.

Of course it wasn't a fashion statement, wasn't even pretty to say the least but it worked :) wasn't even anything common back then. Not sure if they even made them for children then.

Anyway, when I was looking at walkers and jumping chairs etc for Takoda - I saw that they actually make harnesses for children now.. But, of course they are way cuter then the one you wore many years ago. So I decided that it was a neat idea to get one for him that Beverlee could use when she needed to.. Takoda's is a Monkey backpack with a harness leash on it.. I thought it was really cute and since she calls him her little monkey I thought the monkey one was the most fitting one for him.

You know that just reminded me I wish I still had your Lederhosen that Omi brought me back from Germany when you were about 2 years old. Oh well maybe I can find some online somewhere..

But anyway this is about your harness anyway :) lol...

I hope you enjoyed this memory of mine - I can still see it in my head him in the back climbing out of that playpen and then finding out he really couldn't go very far.. :)

I love you Cody and I miss you more and more each day - Sleep well my son - mom

Families

Cody I was thinking last night as I laid here listening to the PP just play over and over again on my computer. Just thinking about posts and family members.. How when a person is around it seems like they don't care, don't keep in touch, don't ever go out of their way to find out how you are or anything.

But all of a sudden when you are gone.. then they make such a big deal about it.. Or look at me.. see what I have done etc..

I look at my phone and the order in which I called the night you had your accident, Omi was first and Sissy was second - after I told Storm of course.. It was only because a week before you were wanting to talk to Pa because Stephen had seen Mary's obituary in the paper and told you that I even had Pa's number.. and Sissy had to make all the calls to find out what his number was.. No one ever kept in touch... As far as Vicki and Eddie I had no clue on their phone number..

You live within a few miles and it might as well be across the ocean.. Granny was the glue that always kept everyone in contact and cared about everyone.. After Granny left us then you were the only one that Pa ever talked to really or saw and I know you gave Pa a hard time a lot.  I also know that you resented the fact Pa got married again so fast after Granny left.. No one could replace Granny for you.. So I understand your feelings there..

I was quite upset with Megan's post on her wall after the accident, she didn't even put your name on the post.. like you were some random cousin.. she only has 3, you, Katlyn and Andrew..

We were a family the 4 of us totally and without thought of halves, wholes or anything.. Like I put on that picture - the last time all of us were together.. our family.. Omi, Sissy, You, Storm, Loralei and myself, of course there is Chris.. but you know what I mean..

I felt quite dissed by your aunt Vicki as well the day of your service.. but that is ok.. Granny's family was there and all of them came up to talk to me..

The James side had 24 years to be a part of your life but most of the time they were not after we moved out of the basement.. 8 years ago... I feel sorry for them more then I am angry with them.. They never got to know you like we knew you.. They never were around you and were able to enjoy your company as much as the rest of us did. I wonder if Megan will take better care of that plant then she took care of her relationship with her oldest cousin...

When I was growing up every summer we went to Canada to see all my aunts, uncles and cousins -- I always looked forward to that each year.. Omi was close to her family and she showed us the value of family and how it was important to keep in touch and be close to your family.  Even after I was married and divorced both times she still felt like the people that had come into the family was still family even after I wasn't with that person anymore.. She never took sides in the break ups and always still welcomed everyone into her home just like they were still part of the family.. I learned that from her.. and I know you learned from me the importance of family.. I made sure that all 3 of you felt like you were whole brothers and sister there was no your only a half because you don't have the same dad..

None of the 3 of you ever grew up with that thought or that feeling.. even the age differences between the 3 of you has not stopped any of you to not stay in touch, talk or do things together whenever you were able to. I am very proud of you guys for that.. I am proud to have 3 kids as great as you all are.. 

I guess that is why I have such a hard time understanding the way other people are with their families, that they aren't that important or it isn't a problem not to stay in touch and communicate now and then. I know how happy we always were when we were together and how wonderful it was when Brandy was here last year with Loralei, Chris and Omi.. All of us under one roof again even just for a short time.. It is always hard to watch loved ones leave and not know when you might see them again. But you can call and talk or email or skype or something to see each other and to stay in touch these days..

I wish you could see Storm grow up and become a young man and go to college and see what choices he makes in life.. watch your niece grow into a young lady and go off to college.. all these things you will miss makes me so sad and upset.. You will never know your son and get to watch him grow up or even some day meet Trinity.. Who knows if she will ever know about you or about us.. and again she is growing up just a few miles of where we live.. Omi, Sissy and I wanted to be a part of her life but she didn't want that I guess.. and with her getting married before Trinity was born and having her husband named as her father it really nixes anything for us.. She never stayed in contact with us and changed her number.

It's great when people say things but it is the follow through that means the most.. you can say anything but the actions are what is important.. Those mean the world..

Not sure how I will today - Today I am going to start burning some of the DVD's to mail out to family and friends of everything I have.. It has been pretty hard on me to work on everything the past days to see everything over and over again for hours at a time.. extremely emotionally draining is a good way to describe it..

I love you very much Cody and miss you more every day - Sleep well my son - mom

Tonight

I was sitting in the living room on the couch and was straightening stuff on the coffee table and there are the things I made for your service.. I looked at your picture on the front and I still don't get it.. I don't know, I know I say that A LOT.. but I just don't.. It's like being in denial of something that you know is true but you just keep on denying it over and over..

My heart just aches so bad and I my mind is screaming and I can't quit crying.. It's like when ever I look at any of your pictures that were taken in the last year.. I just keep thinking to myself that it really just can't be true.. I see you so alive and smiling and your eyes twinkling in the pictures and I still hope against hope someone just is playing this huge ass joke on me..

Even now as I sit here on my bed typing this and that darn urn is lying here next to me.. my mind is still trying to scream that at me.. I move it from room to room with me.. But mentally I still can't accept it..

I know Kelli has your wallet and your hat.. your dad has your red polo shirt.. I received the stuff showing what was paid for your and I know how much we spent on everything for you.. but it still seems like it isn't true.. Most of what you loved the most never has come home.. or what you liked the most..

Even hear about how your clothes are worn now by other people back in Omaha.. But other then you nothing has come home you wore or treasured not to me.. The 2 bags are still sitting in the living room where they have been since the night of the service..

I look at your pictures and all I want is for you to come home.. that is it just for you to come walking through my door.. laughing and smiling and giving me a huge hug.. Cody I swear this is really going to drive me nuts and it is really really hard every day to pretend to be ok for everyone when inside I know I am not..

Some days I wonder if I will even see tomorrow myself.. I hear things, I am told things, I deal with other issues and things and I know my stress levels are totally through the roof.. And I know I have to be here for Storm.. no one would ever fight for him and for what he deserves better then myself..  Because there isn't anyone else.. I know if something happened to me and he went back to Larry and them he wouldn't be fought for or make sure he gets the education he deserves or anything else.. I just have to keep thinking that over and over.. I learned so much because of you and all you went through.. but you know how I have had to fight every new school and to make sure for him.. you were here and you saw..

But like tonight I just worry and I am so much thinking about you and all my feelings and how I am doing mentally with it all and I know I really am not doing so well especially physically..  I have no way to get out of the house or take my mind off things.. This house has basically become my prison I guess.  And all around this house are memories of you and so my thoughts never stray far from thoughts of you..

And then like tonight seeing that and reading everything I had printed  for you drives everything home but still I don't want to believe it all. Ok, now I guess I am working myself up too much.. that is not good..

I love you and I miss you so much Cody - Sleep well my son - mom