Tonight

I was sitting in the living room on the couch and was straightening stuff on the coffee table and there are the things I made for your service.. I looked at your picture on the front and I still don't get it.. I don't know, I know I say that A LOT.. but I just don't.. It's like being in denial of something that you know is true but you just keep on denying it over and over..

My heart just aches so bad and I my mind is screaming and I can't quit crying.. It's like when ever I look at any of your pictures that were taken in the last year.. I just keep thinking to myself that it really just can't be true.. I see you so alive and smiling and your eyes twinkling in the pictures and I still hope against hope someone just is playing this huge ass joke on me..

Even now as I sit here on my bed typing this and that darn urn is lying here next to me.. my mind is still trying to scream that at me.. I move it from room to room with me.. But mentally I still can't accept it..

I know Kelli has your wallet and your hat.. your dad has your red polo shirt.. I received the stuff showing what was paid for your and I know how much we spent on everything for you.. but it still seems like it isn't true.. Most of what you loved the most never has come home.. or what you liked the most..

Even hear about how your clothes are worn now by other people back in Omaha.. But other then you nothing has come home you wore or treasured not to me.. The 2 bags are still sitting in the living room where they have been since the night of the service..

I look at your pictures and all I want is for you to come home.. that is it just for you to come walking through my door.. laughing and smiling and giving me a huge hug.. Cody I swear this is really going to drive me nuts and it is really really hard every day to pretend to be ok for everyone when inside I know I am not..

Some days I wonder if I will even see tomorrow myself.. I hear things, I am told things, I deal with other issues and things and I know my stress levels are totally through the roof.. And I know I have to be here for Storm.. no one would ever fight for him and for what he deserves better then myself..  Because there isn't anyone else.. I know if something happened to me and he went back to Larry and them he wouldn't be fought for or make sure he gets the education he deserves or anything else.. I just have to keep thinking that over and over.. I learned so much because of you and all you went through.. but you know how I have had to fight every new school and to make sure for him.. you were here and you saw..

But like tonight I just worry and I am so much thinking about you and all my feelings and how I am doing mentally with it all and I know I really am not doing so well especially physically..  I have no way to get out of the house or take my mind off things.. This house has basically become my prison I guess.  And all around this house are memories of you and so my thoughts never stray far from thoughts of you..

And then like tonight seeing that and reading everything I had printed  for you drives everything home but still I don't want to believe it all. Ok, now I guess I am working myself up too much.. that is not good..

I love you and I miss you so much Cody - Sleep well my son - mom