Crying

Cody, I was just sitting here listening to the rain outside my bedroom window and I started to think about the subject of this blog.  Why do we cry so much when someone leaves us?

Are we crying for them? for dreams never realized? things they can never get to do? things they can never do again?

Or -

Are we crying for ourselves? because we can't see you anymore? talk to you anymore? hear you laugh anymore? because we are deprived of your presence ever again?

Or -

Are we crying for the combination of the two reasons? I know it is because we are in pain over you not being here anymore and the hurt is astronomical even my brain is numb from the thoughts of it all..

I constantly replay stuff in my mind over and over again.  I worry about your last moments, your last thoughts, pain, suffering any of those things.. About your body broken and destroyed, my son who was so perfect, you hardly ever got sick and when you did it was bad, but never like just a little sick..

You had perfect, actually a bit better then perfect vision, the only one in the family that did. You seldom even got cavities I think you went most of your life without one..

If not for that stupid dentist Pa had you see you would never had to have gotten an implant if he would have done the cap right in the first place. You only needed that because you broke your tooth on the Tether ball pole in elementary school in the first place. And he was a crappy dentist to start with. Just because you go to the same church doesn't make him good. He did such an atrocious job your poor little tooth rotted out under the cap.

But back to why we cry. I know I cry when I see your pictures and I relive your life watching them on that presentation. Or when the Born Free song plays because I can so relate to your life in that song. When I see how much fun you were having when you were driving your car around on the snow in the parking lot.. When I see you wave that last time on that last night.

The few glimpses in the car of you smiling when you are taping inside the car - just to see that big ass grin on your face. Or like now while I write this. I know some of the reasons I cry. What are the other reasons?

You know sometimes after I lost Dale I would be watching something on TV and I could so associate it with him and all of a sudden I would just start crying so hard and so uncontrollably what ever it was that triggered it would make that strong of an impact on me in my memories. That was years later even after he was gone.

I want to see you standing here in my bedroom doorway again, or have you hollering at me from the bathroom, or seeing you on the computer as I walk by Storm's door on my way to the bathroom. Or even be able to holler at you to close the front door behind you when you come home from running around with your friends.

I haven't even dreamed since that night - not sure if that is good or bad.. I dreamed a lot before that night though. I dream a lot of the 2nd coming or rather I used to - I would be pretty scared when I woke up from those dreams - wonder if that was something telling me something and I didn't see what it was telling me.. I don't know.. I would never tell Omi I dreamed about stuff like that, she would have tons of opinions on it I am sure.

I was thinking last night as I was trying to fall asleep, if Satan did this to draw me away from God, well it didn't work because it has made me pray more and talk to God a lot more now then I ever did before. No, Cody I haven't gone to church, I still feel the way I did before about most of the SDA I have ever known in my life. I pray that God looks into your heart and finds the things I found there and judges you justly and takes you home with him when the time comes. Even if I don't make it I pray you do Cody. Omi would be pretty sad if you don't.

I think that is another reason I cry because I don't know what you were thinking where God was concerned after you left here. And I worry about that a lot. One of the first questions I asked Omi that Saturday was if she thought you would go to heaven. That is important to me and I hope you do.  I know I can't pray for your soul because that is not how it works. That is what makes it so hard. I really, really worry about that.

I am glad you won't be around for the end of things when stuff gets so hard. But I wish you were still here with all of us.

So I guess I cry for all of the reasons I asked and then more. I will cry for a long, long time and then some. The well hasn't dried up for my tears yet.

I love you so oh so very much Cody, and I miss you more each day then I did the day before - Sleep well my son - mom