Month & 3 Days

Cody, I have been reading posts on your wall and on the walls of your friends. Like Sissy said the other day - it still is not real to her and she feels numb.. I agree with that totally. We have had a month to try and absorb it now but it really still has not hit home.

I started to write this yesterday but then I received a call and when it was over, I finished watching one of the DVD's I made to make sure it was ok. As I was watching it, all that kept replaying in my head was the night of the accident and the phone call from Jessica - your son is dead.... I just kept replaying that in my head over and over and it was like a tidal wave hit me and I cried so hard.. but even when I have moments like that after they pass it still isn't real to me.

Yesterday, before Storm left I was so tired and was lying here on my bed to try and nap for just a bit. I only slept 3 hours the night before and then was outside most of the afternoon. I came in and made the labels and put them on all the DVD's and I was just drained and tired. But as I was lying here trying to doze for just a bit my brain was replaying that Friday night again in my head.. I need to see when I logged in that night. Because I logged in and got into my farm so that should give me a time on when I woke up. I keep thinking did I wake up as you had the accident? because I had not been up very long when she called me that night..

I envy people getting on with their lives.  I can't get past this not yet and don't know if I ever will. I talk about you and remember stories and times and things that happened in our lives. Memories I have of things we all did.

Things I do, I do because I have to not because I want to. Even working in the garden is not that exciting or fun for me. Not like it was in my head when I first ordered everything and had visions of what I was going to do in the back this summer.

I pray every night for God to watch over your brother and sister that nothing ever happens to them.. and I see the 2 split from the 3 and it's a horrible picture.

When I was trying to sleep finally this morning I had my hand on that cold piece of metal and kept telling myself over and over that you were in there.. and still I don't get it... Sometimes I get all these horrible pictures  of you in my head - the accident, the coronor's, the mortuary - you being cremated, and I do mean horrible.

I don't know, what is the processes your are supposed to go through when you lose someone? Is there really a process? What is normal and what is not? I don't think I have a process.. every day brings it's challenge of getting through it and my memories and how many times I sit and cry or walk around and start thinking and I start to cry. Sometimes it is so hard and deep I think that it is going to give me a heart attack or something it just is that intense.. Other times it is for an hour or so and I just can't stop. Other times it is for a few minutes or I get a call or something and then I can stop after just a little bit.

I was remembering how bad I wanted to die after Dale passed away and that I wanted to just go crazy so I wouldn't feel the pain or the grief I was going through. How moving through each day was like a dream. With your accident I can't even acknowledge anything. I really feel very alone most of the time. A lot of that is my fault I have isolated myself for so many years but I think even if I had friends I would still feel so very alone.

It is really a good thing I don't work for BlueCross anymore because they would only have given me 3 days and here it is a month and 3 days and I still can't really function much. I go through the motions of what has to be done - feed the dogs, feed the cats - water the garden - plants and did the weed eating in the front and the back yard but beyond that nothing. Even now I know I need to get up and go in the back yard and try and get all that stuff hacked down where you chopped the tree down last spring before it all takes over the back part of the yard again. But, yet, here I sit typing this instead.

I should be trying to burn all that crap piled up on that tree they chopped down and just left back there and I have to get rid of from when we bought the house. I only have a few weeks left I can burn this year until the fall. And most of that huge tree is still back there. So many things but no motivation to do it. I would rather watch the DVD and see the pictures and have memories and think about you instead.

I think I will go pour myself a cup of yesterday's coffee - should be hot by now.. and see where to go from there today..

I love you so very much Cody - and I really do miss you more and more each and every day - Sleep well my son - mom