Today is Christmas 2011

Cody,

Today is the first time ever in 25 years I have not been able to wish you a Merry Christmas and tell you I love you. I have so missed the sound of your voice these past nine months. Those all hours phone calls you used to make to me just to talk or see what I was doing.

Even though you could really get me so po'd at you sometimes, I miss knowing you are in the room right next to mine. I miss the way you could make me laugh no matter how mad or upset I was at you. I even miss going into the kitchen to cut a piece of french bread and it is all gone because you ate it all on me.

I am sitting here this morning just crying my eyes out because I miss you so badly. I know I won't get to hear or see you today and it tears me up inside. People say life goes on, but for some of us it stalemates on us and yes part of us goes on but part of us doesn't.

These past few weeks with these puppies really drives home that you are not here. I know how much you would have loved to have been around for them. How much you would have spoiled them just like I do. How much love you would have given to them. You would have spent time watching them playing like I do and get such a kick out of it. Stormie really doesn't have an interest in them like you and I do. He can pretty much take them or leave them and most of the time it is leave them.

Omi just called to wish us a Merry Christmas and it is so hard to not let her hear that I am crying. I hate having to answer a lot of questions or hear all kinds of religious stuff from her about what has happened to you.  Everything stays so bottled up for me most of the time about my feelings and how hard it is to handle that you are gone. I wish so hard you were still here with us but no matter how hard I want it to happen I know it never will and that you are gone from life as it is now forever.

I can't say as I am mad at you but I wish you would have listened to me all those times I talked to you about your driving. I never dreamed it would be me one day mourning the loss of you and hurting so much because you weren't here in my life anymore like you used to be. Mothers are not supposed to have to say good-bye to their children, it is supposed to be the other way around. I still wish this was just some horrid dream I needed to wake up from and it all wouldn't be true and you would still be here with us.

It will never get any easier for me, just maybe one day I won't cry as hard anymore. I love you so much Cody, and the hole in my heart doesn't get any smaller or hurt any less. Sleep well my son - mom

It's Almost Christmas

It has been a little over 9 months now. Sissy called me and told me how she broke down the other night and cried so hard. Chris came and comforted her even though she tried so hard to hide it. I can understand that. I try hard myself to hide how I feel and to keep all the feelings to myself and not make Sissy, Storm or Omi really see how much all this is effecting me.

We are both really mad at you and I don't think we will ever get over that feeling. Because you have deprived us of you!  I know it was not on purpose on your part but you never learned to listen and because of that you left us in this world.

Each day that I see things and do things and have the ability to witness all the things you would so love to be able to be a part of. Each day as I watch China's puppies grow a bit more and see all the cute little things they do I miss you so much because I know how much you would have wanted to be a part of all that.

I still feel an overwhelming grief where you are concerned and I think about you each and every day. There is a huge hollow spot in my life that cannot ever be filled. Other people their lives go on, and yes, so does mine, but mine is still stuck where you are concerned. I don't think I will ever come to terms with what happened to you and that you are no longer with me in my life.

I have dreamed about you twice since your accident and neither one was a comfort to me. Parents are not supposed to love one child more than another one. I don't love any one of you more than the other but I love you all in different ways if that makes sense at all. I had such a hard time bringing you into this world and then almost losing you in the pool on dad's birthday. You were special to me in your own way. Just like Brandy is special in her way because I lost her older brother to SIDS. And her being a girl and making my fears of losing her in the same way a little easier. Storm is special in his way because he came along after being told I could not have any more children. But I don't love any of you less than the other one. You are each special to me in your own way.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't hurt and don't miss you. I try to be brave and to not let my feelings interfere with life and to upset Storm and Sissy. It is so hard for me to put on this brave face and try and act like things are OK when they really are not.

I need to stay strong for Storm and I am sure you can understand that. I need to make sure he still has a normal life and can be the best he can and do all the all things that he is destined for. I want so much for you to still be here for him. He loves you so much and looked up to you as well for how smart you are.

I miss you so much and never doubt how much I love you. No matter how many times we argued and you didn't think I did. You were special to me and you always will be.  I miss you so much every day and as live each day and am able to watch life I see how much you would have wanted to be a part of all of it. Someday I will be all alone with no one here with me anymore. But I carry you in my heart each and every day.

I love you so much Cody, and I miss you oh so very much - sleep well my son - mom

Almost 9 Months - 9 Months since I talked to you last!

It's been almost 9 months since you left. Actually today is 9 months since I talked to you last. I miss the hell out of you Cody. So much has happened in the last 9 months and so much you would have wanted to be apart of. I miss you in my life, and I miss that you are not a part of Storm's life anymore. I know Sissy misses you so much as well.

Our lives are incomplete anymore because you are not a part of them. We can't talk to you and can't call you and tell you all the little milestones in our lives that are happening. I know you would have wanted to be a part of Takoda's life and spend time with him and get to know your son. I know Beverlee wanted you to be a part of his life and get to know him. I don't get to see him much so I am missing out a lot of his growing up. Even Stormie enjoys being around him when he gets the chance.

When Stormie and I rescued the kittens I know you would have loved that one. Now that China has her puppies I can only imagine the thrill you would have had over that. As they grow bigger each day and do more running around I can only see you here and know you would have already picked one out. You would have taken it and started loving all over it and named it and started to love it. You would have told me how that is yours and nothing I could have said would have changed your mind about it.

I miss seeing you and talking to you and hearing your voice and I even miss all those arguments we had.  I still watch the DVD a lot and think about you. I have memories, yes I do, but that isn't like you actually being here with me anymore. I read things and they make me cry and miss you more. The finality of it all is just so devastating to me. The fact that I wasn't there for you and I couldn't tell you goodbye and hug you close and tell you how much I love you.

We had our ups and downs you and I but my love never faltered in how much I loved you, and how much you meant to me in my life. We both said things now and then that we didn't really mean to make the other hurt as much as we were hurting each other. I tried lots of times to talk to you and tell you how much you meant to me and how much I loved you and how much you were wanted by me. I think sometimes you didn't actually believe that. I was so proud of you and how much you accomplished and I told you that.

I miss you so much in my life. There is this big empty hole in part of my life with the loss of you.  I still have Sissy and Stormie and I love them even more now because you are gone. I know how fleeting time can be and much an instant in your life can change everything for you. I appreciate all the time Sissy spends talking to me each day and some days if not for that I don't think I could make it through the day.

Even Stormie comes and talks to me a bit more some days then he normally would. The last time I talked to you I didn't get to talk to you very long because I conferenced Omi into the call. After you got done talking to her you and I also hung up. I wish we would have talked longer that night. 13 minutes total wasn't long enough. If I would have known that was the last time I would ever talk to you. I would have told you so many things.

There isn't a day that goes by I don't think of you or think of something about you.  I loved you so much, you were my putter-head and will always be that for me. My heart aches for the loss of you and the missing of you and the fact you are gone. Thanksgiving was a duel devastation for me this year. I was not only missing you but remembering that was the day 33 years ago that I said good-bye to your brother Dale as well.

I try and look at each new day and try and find something good about it. I have a hard time doing it. I watch the puppies get bigger each day and I know the joy you would have found in it. I try and think about that but I have a hard time really hanging onto that thought. I think sometimes it makes me miss you even more because you are not here to share all this with me. I know the joy you would have found in it and how you would have reacted to it all. I am saddened by the fact you are not here to enjoy all this with me. Stormie comes in now and then to see them but he is not really as excited about the puppies like you would be.

It's almost 5 in the morning and I guess I need to some semblance of sanity somewhere. I wish I could find it more often but I have a hard time doing it these days. I never thought I would be here again in my life ever having to say good-bye to one of my children. I love you so much Cody and I miss you to the depths of my core and I am having such a hard time with all of this. Sleep well my son - mom

Nancy

I felt I could write this here on your page Cody because I knew you would understand. You met Nancy when you were almost 8 years old. She always treated Brandy and you as if you were a part of the family even though Larry and I never married.

I know it wasn't always quite the same but she came pretty close for the most part.  She sure helped me with a lot of advice and telling me how to go about things after Storm was born. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't have been able to go back to college as she was the one that told me what I should do and whom I should contact in order to be able to do that.

She enveloped all of us and greeted us into the rest of the family whenever were around and never treated us any differently then anyone else. She was such a wonderful giving woman and always so kind and happy, not to mention she was a wonderful cook!

I was glad that Storm and I each were able to talk to her one last time before she left us last Friday morning on the 11th of November. That I was able to say good-bye and tell her I loved her and appreciated all she had done for us while we lived with Larry and the kids.

Elysia called me in the morning and told me what had happened. I felt so bad for them because I knew what they were all going through. I was just glad they all had the opportunity to at least say good-bye to her before she left them. Something we were not able to do with you.

I had Omi call Elysia and you know Omi she was more than willing to do that and have a prayer with her and try and be helpful. She wanted to call Larry but I told her he was busy trying to get out of the house to go up to the cabin so it was not a good time to call him right then.

I know you would have wanted to call her before she left as well if you were still here with us and tell her good-bye. You were just that way. Like when you found out about Pa's last wife and wanted to tell him you were sorry to hear that had happened to him.

I have to admit we were blessed to be as close as we all were. Sissy, Omi, Storm, you and I all a family and staying in touch all the time no matter what ever happened between any of us. We loved, argued, fought and made-up like a family would and forgive no matter what. None of us ever lost touch with the other no matter what. Not all families can say that, but we can.

I am feeling very badly for all that Larry's family is going through right now and especially Larry's dad. I only hope they can find some solace and relief over all the grief they are feeling right now. They are in my heart and I know in Storm's heart as well, along with Omi and Sissy.

I love you so much Cody and I miss you something awful daily. Sleep well my son - mom

It is November 9th almost Nine months since you left us.

I logged into EQ for the first time in months last night. I found out the guild I was in had booted me, which is fine I had told them about you and that I might not be playing for some time. But it is sad to see that some people have no compassion for what another person is going through.

I met a very nice lady in another guild and I put Evi in there. She even had one of her guild members call me today. It was awesome to talk to someone other then the grief counseling people that are so sick and tired of hearing from hearing from me. He let me cry on his shoulder and let me get a lot of my feelings out without being condescending about it.

I also talked to Omi tonight and cried a lot while I did. She tries to understand what I am going through but it always comes back to Jesus and God for her. Yes she was your grandmother and also Dale's grandmother but she doesn't really understand just how I feel a out the loss of you and your brother. I had 3 months of memories with Dale, but I had almost 25 years of memories with you. You were such a part of me for half of my life.

I am having such a hard time coping with your loss and I wish I could find a way to deal with it better. I call the grief counseling and they are so sick of hearing from me that they hardly ever talk to me anymore. Storm's counselor was going to talk to me but it didn't work out for them to take me to see her and I don't get into sessions she has with Storm. Those are his sessions and his safe place to talk and have nothing to do with me or anything he needs to let me know about other then what he wants to share.

I am drinking too much again just so I can sleep because I have a hard time even going to sleep anymore. My mind just keeps going on and on about stuff and it makes it hard for me to even fall asleep unless I just pass out from too much beer.

Now it is not just you that I miss and mourn in my life it is Dale as well. The day he left this world is coming up on the 21st. You know how hard it was always for me at this time of the year and thinking about that each year.

I look around this house and every time I see Mojo and China I remember how it was when you brought Mojo home. China I just reminds me of the fact how much you wanted me to get you Luna and how much you loved her and cared for her.

The tree I still have standing in the back yard and that limb you were cutting off and then had to move the chainsaw and cut higher up that little stub still is there just so I can remember that and I wouldn't let Storm cut it off or Tim either when he was building our fence and helping me clear what Storm and I didn't get done.

There are reminders of you all over this house and memories I have everywhere I look.

Dinky is so fat these days yes I know you and Kelli named him "Fucker" but he is still Storm's cat to the max. Storm even renamed him Fatty Boy. Storm told me if he gets into a college where he can take him with him he will take Dinky with him there.

I was sad to see that the kitten you had on your shoulder in one of your pictures passed away as well. I was a bit more disappointed that when Jessica posted it she didn't use the picture of her sitting on your shoulder.

I don't hear from Kelli or Beverlee much and I am sorry I don't. Leesa texts me quite a bit and talks to me and I really appreciate that fact. She is engaged now and I am happy for her and I know you would be too.

Do you remember Marcia one of the ladies I used to work for back when I worked for the VNA and Hospice of Northern California? I talked to her the other night she was awesome and let me talk to her about my feelings about what I am going through. I thought that was awesome of her she didn't have to even though she is a Psych Nurse and I used to do all those PowerPoint presentations for her and for Janet when I got laid off from there after Sutter bought them out.

I used to talk to her a lot way back when Larry and I were still together about you and the struggles you had with Larry and being accepted into his family. She was always such a good friend to me.

It's a hard road for me Cody and I am trying my best to cope with it all. I keep trying to tell myself "no regrets" but it really is not easy. It is much easier to say then it is to do. I never thought I would lose you in my life that you would be here for me always until I left this world and not the other way around.

I am still trying so hard to cope with all the things that have transpired and what to do with all that and I really don't have any answers to any of it.

I love you so much Cody and I miss you more then any words I could write could even describe it - Sleep well my son - mom

It's November and I Miss you so Much!

I sat outside tonight and I looked around at the new fence that I had put up all around the yard and I thought about you Cody. I thought about the fact you would have been so happy to have seen Mojo and China be able to run around free and not on leashes. I know you would have loved the goats too and how they follow you around and want to be petted and loved.

I know your friends have lives and they all have to go on living them. But I miss talking to them. I spend countless hours trying to find someone to talk to sometimes. I know it is horrible to say that but it is true. The grief counseling place I call a lot one of the girls there refuses to even talk to me anymore so I just hang up when she says her name. I miss you so much that it hurts so bad down to the bottom of my being.

I cannot describe what I feel sometimes it is an ambiguous feeling the pain is tremendous and the knowledge of never ever being able to have you in my life as a physical being again is horrific.

We had our ups and our downs but we always had each other no matter what. Now I don't have you anymore and I am having such a hard time dealing with that aspect in my life. Storm still needs you so much in his life and he no longer has you and I know that is hard on him even though he will never admit that. You know how he is so unemotional it is almost unnatural.

The one person he looked up to and talked to the most was you, and you are not here anymore for him. He needed you so much in his life and to help him and you are gone now. He really has no one to challenge him anymore and to make him think and to become the best he can be. I try and Sissy tries and I hope it will all work out for him. He loved you and emulated so much of the good of you. He respected the fact that you were so intelligent and knew so much and looked up to you for all that you knew.

You were two little peas in the same pod and were so smart and played off each other and the knowledge that both of you had. You depended on each other and if one didn't know it then the other did and you talked all the time about stuff and learned so much from each other.

I miss having you in our lives and having you call and just talk or ask for Stormie because he wasn't answering his phone.

Your dad got out of jail the other day and got probation for his charges. I wonder just how long it will be before he violates it all. I talked to him after the service for you and he swore he would change his life. He didn't and he ended up in jail for all of the things he did wrong.

I have a hard time each night realizing the fact you are not here. I watch the DVD and I go places and I think things and I have such a hard time accepting the reality of the fact you are not here with me anymore. I miss you so much and I love you and miss you so much that I cannot sometimes deal with the fact that you are not here with me anymore.

Who the hell am I trying to kid? I am having a very hard time accepting the fact you are not here with us anymore. I call the grief counseling line and they are so sick of hearing me call them that some of them won't even talk to me anymore. I watch that DVD and I miss you so much and wish you were here with us. I cannot accept the fact you are gone.

My life revolved around you for years. You were my life for years. When we moved to California it was you and I and I lived for you. You were my little putter head forever. Life changed when I moved in with Larry for both of us. I tried and I argued for you all the time. It never changed anything though and I am sorry for that. I always knew how you felt and I tried forever to change things for you and it never helped. All my trying to get Larry to express feelings for you were in vain. And your dad well that was a lost cause that never changed for you and I am sorry for that.

You always had Sissy, and Storm and myself. Omi as well even though she really didn't understand your needs and always preached instead. She loved you and will always love you just like all of us do. You had such a hard life where your dad was concerned and you never experienced love from any male figure in your life and for that I am sorry. I did the best I could do and what I thought was the best. It never happened and for that I have to ask your forgiveness.

I love you so much Cody, and I miss you and no words can describe the intensity of it. I have no words to that can describe what I feel for the loss of you and how devastated I am. I love you and I miss you Cody. Sleep well my son - mom

It's October Now!

It's now October and you have been away for a while now. With Halloween coming up it reminds me of the many Halloweens I took you out to Trick-or-Treat.

The one that stands out for me the most is the Halloween you almost drowned in Omi and Dad's pool. I was making a potato salad for Dad's birthday and you were just toddling around at that time. You were in the kitchen with me and Dad came in and was talking to me from the doorway and when he left I looked around and you were nowhere to be found. I walked out to the screened deck and saw you under water. I ran over there and reached down and pulled you out. I was so scared. You were just floating downward and looking up. I was so glad for all the times I had taken you to the pool and taught you how to hold your breath under water.

Shady hadn't even barked to let me know you had fallen in and I never heard a sound even though all the doors and the windows were open. You were none the worse from wear and it didn't even faze you one little bit. We still took you out later to go Trick-or-Treating.

That was one of your most favorite times of the year because of all the candy you would get. You went for years even long after you should have quit going out. You would go out with Stormie even to get Candy and steal his when you could get away with it.

I sure miss you. I missed you last night while I was watching Storm's competition and wished you could have been there with me to watch him perform. He is so right on target and snaps right to attention at the end of each song. I am glad he loves band as much as he does since it is the only thing he does in school each year.

I know you hated it because you had to carry your sax to school and back every day when you were in band.  I wish I knew what Pa did with your Sax, I would love to have it. I haven't heard from or seen Pa since the service but I guess he is ok. Not that anyone would ever call me and tell me anything anyway.

I am sure my dismal ways sometimes probably wear on Storm because there are days I just start to cry for no reason thinking about you. But he sure puts on a great face. I Thank God I have him to help me get through this. And for Sissy because if not for her as well I think some days I wouldn't want to live anymore. I never conceived this in any of my wildest dreams that this would ever again happen to our family. I know if you would have known the outcome of that night you would still be here with us. You would never have wanted to cause pain to any of us ever.

Storm even talked about you the other night to virtual strangers about your accident. That is the first time ever I have ever heard him talk about what happened that night. He never even talks to me about it ever. I was proud of him talking about it.

I sure miss your joking and teasing and even the arguments we had. I would give anything to have you back with us. The days pass and time goes on but you are so still with me each and every day in my heart and in my thoughts. In little moments of remembering or wanting to talk to you. To show you the new pets or the goats or just to say I love you. There is such a big hole in my life without you and not being able to share even little things with you anymore.

I am hoping China will have puppies in November and I know you would have been so excited about that to have a bunch of new chow puppies to play with. I can see you now in my minds eye just how you would be around them. You would have your favorites and you would name them all I am sure just like you did those stupid chickens we had. You would bug me to keep one of them and I would have to tell you no Cody no.

You and those stupid puppy pads when we first got Mojo, China and Luna. What a bright idea that was on your part. Never again. Took me forever to break Mojo from peeing on the bathroom carpets because they were the same color as those darn puppy pads.

I know I don't write very often right now but it is not because I don't think about it. I just seem to be having such a hard time that when I try I just start crying so much and then I can't. But Cody I love you so much and I miss you horribly more then anyone can know or understand. Sleep well my son - mom