I finally got your blanket yesterday, after all this time. I opened the box and I just held it close to me and smelled it and I cried and cried. I couldn't quit for a long time. It was one of the most important things to you next to your games. Omi gave that to you back when you were like 11 years old. When we still lived in California. She bought one for each of you kids. Storm's was this Little Mermaid one and you got this one. Daniel and Jacob each got one as well.
No matter where you went or where you lived you took that blanket with you everywhere.Once I asked you why and you told me because Omi gave you that blanket. I hope after I give it to her she doesn't wash it. But knowing Omi she will. But it so smells like you.
The last few weeks I have been so depressed and just have stayed in my room 24/7 except to take out the dogs and take care of Luna and the puppies. I haven't wanted to do anything or be anywhere or anything. I miss you so much and wish I could talk to you. I walked to the store the other day and someone pulled up to the gas pump and it looked just like you. I see something and think about calling you but then I remember you are not here for me to talk to anymore. Then I just get more depressed.
The past week Storm has been in my room on one of my computers and that has been nice to have him in here all night. But he leaves in a week for over a month and I don't know how I will do when I am all alone with no one to talk to or have contact with. I have no energy and no drive for anything lately at all. I think about you and everything that has happened and I just fall into this great big void I guess.
I have been trying to quit smoking again but it is harder this time then the last time. I get depressed or think about you and have to have one. Although I am not smoking near as much only a few a day I still am smoking and that is not good. I just wish so much you were still here and I could talk to you or know you were coming home again.
We had our ups and our downs but I never ever stopped loving you no matter what ever. Everything I did or said was in your best interest because I wanted so much for you and knew you had it in you to be the best in whatever you wanted. You were my son and I was so proud of you for the choices you made in so many aspects of your life. And I bragged about you even if you didn't know it. I stuck up for you and didn't let people who tried to talk badly of you let them. You had so many decent and good qualities they so far outweighed any bad.
I haven't decided yet when to give Omi your blanket. She still is down in Florida right now. I think I will keep it a while before I do. I feel I need it right now myself. But I will give it to her in a while. I think Omi needs part of you as well. And since your blanket from her meant so much to you, that is the biggest thing I can give her of you. She so deserves that.
Especially after being so shunned at Teri's service and not even being mentioned in the obituary for Teri. But the dog being more important then the person that raised Teri and was so important to Teri in her life for so many years. It didn't matter so much to me that I was not mentioned as I never expected to be in the first place. As it was mostly I was never considered to be their sister anyway for most of all of their lives. Only Teri really ever considered it.
She was so sweet when she found out about you and called me all the time to tell me how sorry she was and how much she loved me after she found out about your accident. She told me over and over how much she loved you and how sorry she was about you. Teri was pretty extraordinary in her own right. She had a lot of problems but she always loved everyone regardless.
Remember when we went out to the house when we went to Florida a few years ago? She was so happy to see everyone again. You were the one that went into the house to go and get her. It just made her day that day to see all of us again. That was the last time any of us saw her as well.
You left in March and she left in April it is so not fair to anyone that both of you left so early in your lives. I can't even move on from you much less anything else. Teri and I were not close anymore but I still feel badly about her. My heart and my mind are just so involved with you that nothing else really penetrates it right now. I am just having such a hard time and really don't know how to handle it all the more time passes. It is still so all unreal to me no matter what I see or have or know.
I just miss you so, so, very, very, much and each day that passes the pain just gets deeper and deeper and I wonder sometimes how I am even hanging on to sanity sometimes. I love you Cody I hope you realized that deep down even though I guess sometimes you wondered about it or needed affirmation of it. I miss you more each day and Love you so very much. Sleep well my son - mom
Cody James July 10, 1986 - March 11, 2011 - This blog is memories of my son who passed away so suddenly in an automobile accident. Also things I would have liked to have been able to share with him.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Teri
I started this on Friday, May 5th, but I am going to put it in there how I had it when I started it.
Well Cody, I got my hedge in that I ordered a while back and yesterday Stormie and I planted most of it. We still have to do the side by the driveway but for the most part we have the front and the side between Charlie's house and our house done. I told Storm we would do the rest in the morning.
I got some of the garden redone where stuff didn't grow that I planted and Storm leveled it out for me tonight where I roto tilled it this morning. The Chantix seems to really be kicking my butt and making me really tired all the time. Yep I am trying to quit again. I did real good last year remember? I don't seem to have any energy at all right now and am just tired all the time right now. I am hoping it will pass soon.
Today was the service for Teri. Omi called but I missed the call tonight and she isn't answering when I call her back. I think she didn't turn the phone off of vibrate. So I don't know.
Everything I heard it was not a very good service for her at all. It seems everyone was real disappointed. Dale was there he sat by Omi she said. Omi was not even in the obituary at all but apparently they put the dog in there.
Then on Friday night the neighbors came home around 10 to 11 and decided to park cross wise in their yard with the head lights blaring into the front porch and got Luna going big time out there. Mojo and China were going off here in the house horribly as well. When I walked out on the porch Luna had knocked over all the plants everywhere out there. I was so mad.
Friday, May 6, 2011
The Road to California
I have been thinking about this for a while now, when we moved to California. You and I loaded up the car with what we had and headed out. I had bought a CB radio for the trip because you remember how I always had one whenever I drove long distances anywhere. You loved talking on it. "Breaker one nine" and you called yourself the Green Hornet.
We hooked up with those PRIME drivers and ran with them for hundreds of miles. We all stopped to get something to eat and sat and talked for a couple of hours at the truck stop. One of them told us all about his pet panther he had. His handle was Panther. You asked if you could ride with the older one and he said you could and you thought that was just the neatest thing to be able to ride in a big truck. You kept talking with me over the CB just having a blast.
So the 3 of us headed out again with you in the big truck in the front me in the middle and the one that called himself Panther behind me.
That night when we stopped to eat dinner they asked where we were sleeping and I said in the car at a rest area and they bought us a hotel room for the night. So we got to sleep in beds instead of the car that night. We met them for breakfast the next day and ran together again for a bit until they had to get off and go their way, and we had to go ours.
When we got close to the Grand Canyon I asked you if you wanted to stop and see it and you said you wanted to. It was cold and had actually snowed some and was quite overcast but we went there and stopped and went to the the different look out spots to see. Although it was real foggy and you really couldn't see all the way across the Canyon that day. But you had so much fun running around just looking at stuff.
Then we finally made it to California and to Uncle Hans's house where we stayed for a little while. And another story starts at this point of our lives doesn't it?
I love you very much Cody and I miss you so very much, not a minute passes I don't think about you. Some day maybe I won't cry anymore but that day hasn't come yet. I am not even sure if I will ever be ok again, but I am trying.
I love you Cody and miss you more each day - Sleep well my son - mom.
We hooked up with those PRIME drivers and ran with them for hundreds of miles. We all stopped to get something to eat and sat and talked for a couple of hours at the truck stop. One of them told us all about his pet panther he had. His handle was Panther. You asked if you could ride with the older one and he said you could and you thought that was just the neatest thing to be able to ride in a big truck. You kept talking with me over the CB just having a blast.
So the 3 of us headed out again with you in the big truck in the front me in the middle and the one that called himself Panther behind me.
That night when we stopped to eat dinner they asked where we were sleeping and I said in the car at a rest area and they bought us a hotel room for the night. So we got to sleep in beds instead of the car that night. We met them for breakfast the next day and ran together again for a bit until they had to get off and go their way, and we had to go ours.
When we got close to the Grand Canyon I asked you if you wanted to stop and see it and you said you wanted to. It was cold and had actually snowed some and was quite overcast but we went there and stopped and went to the the different look out spots to see. Although it was real foggy and you really couldn't see all the way across the Canyon that day. But you had so much fun running around just looking at stuff.
Then we finally made it to California and to Uncle Hans's house where we stayed for a little while. And another story starts at this point of our lives doesn't it?
I love you very much Cody and I miss you so very much, not a minute passes I don't think about you. Some day maybe I won't cry anymore but that day hasn't come yet. I am not even sure if I will ever be ok again, but I am trying.
I love you Cody and miss you more each day - Sleep well my son - mom.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
May 1st
I got some bad news again last night Cody, your Aunt Teri passed away sometime yesterday late a.m. or early noon. We really don't know too much about it yet. Omi called me last night and told me. She is really upset about it. Teri would have been 53 on the 5th of this month. We still don't know what happened to her or why she passed away.
Omi is going to go down and bring Luna and the puppies here to stay with me while she goes down there. I wanted to go but Storm cannot miss anymore school and no one other then us can get close to China as you know. So I really can't go down there for the service. Not sure when they will be yet either and knowing Omi she will end up staying a week or so down there when she goes. It is never a quick trip for her when she goes down there.
Omi came and got all the logs today, most of them anyway. The rest she can take in her car the next time she comes in it. She brought this gas grill down here today too in case of another power failure here so we can cook. I told her to keep it she lives on the mountain and would be more likely to not have power then we would. But you know Omi.
I watch your DVD tons of times a day. I just seem to be addicted to watching it. Just can't seem to stop.... I bet I have watched it like 500 times or more by now.
Rachel's mom talked to me yesterday - started out about how happy she was to see I had gotten some help to remove the trees. I was like, yes it was. It was a wonderful bunch of kids from a church that helped me out, if not for them don't know what I would have done. So true that comment too. Sure wasn't the neighbors.
Anyway we got to talking about you and I told her all that happened after the accident. She said Rachel talks about you now and then. As you know we sure didn't have, don't have very friendly neighbors here.
Good example is when Omi came today. Steve was outside, Ann's ex husband, Rachel's brother was sitting on their front steps. Omi and I were loading up all the wood into the trailer that Josh and his friends had so graciously cut up for us to give to Omi from the trees. I told Omi it's funny how there are able bodied men outside watching 2 older ladies loading up all this heavy wood. And she of course commented back and I said yep one sitting over across the street watching us. And one walking around next door outside. I am not sure if Steve heard us or not but he came over shortly after that, after we had gotten a good amount of it already loaded and then helped us finish loading most of the rest of it.
Michelle and Fanny called tonight to check up on Storm and I. Offered us some help to try and get things fixed around here or whatever we need. It was great to just have someone offer something other then have to try and find it ourself somewhere. I still can't get over all the kids the past few days, they were just so awesome. If not for them we would still be out there looking at the trees and the devastation from the tornado's and the storms from Wednesday. Too bad their church is so far away I am sure Storm would go there if he could. He has always liked church. Any church is good even if it is not SDA. Never really got much from going to the SDA church anyway. You remember all the times I tried to start going again? Just always seemed not to work out with those churches.
Well I think I am still pretty worn out from this whole last week and going to try and get some sleep. I love you very much Cody, and I just can never tell you enough how much I miss you and how I do miss you more each day than the day before. Sleep well my son - mom
Omi is going to go down and bring Luna and the puppies here to stay with me while she goes down there. I wanted to go but Storm cannot miss anymore school and no one other then us can get close to China as you know. So I really can't go down there for the service. Not sure when they will be yet either and knowing Omi she will end up staying a week or so down there when she goes. It is never a quick trip for her when she goes down there.
Omi came and got all the logs today, most of them anyway. The rest she can take in her car the next time she comes in it. She brought this gas grill down here today too in case of another power failure here so we can cook. I told her to keep it she lives on the mountain and would be more likely to not have power then we would. But you know Omi.
I watch your DVD tons of times a day. I just seem to be addicted to watching it. Just can't seem to stop.... I bet I have watched it like 500 times or more by now.
Rachel's mom talked to me yesterday - started out about how happy she was to see I had gotten some help to remove the trees. I was like, yes it was. It was a wonderful bunch of kids from a church that helped me out, if not for them don't know what I would have done. So true that comment too. Sure wasn't the neighbors.
Anyway we got to talking about you and I told her all that happened after the accident. She said Rachel talks about you now and then. As you know we sure didn't have, don't have very friendly neighbors here.
Good example is when Omi came today. Steve was outside, Ann's ex husband, Rachel's brother was sitting on their front steps. Omi and I were loading up all the wood into the trailer that Josh and his friends had so graciously cut up for us to give to Omi from the trees. I told Omi it's funny how there are able bodied men outside watching 2 older ladies loading up all this heavy wood. And she of course commented back and I said yep one sitting over across the street watching us. And one walking around next door outside. I am not sure if Steve heard us or not but he came over shortly after that, after we had gotten a good amount of it already loaded and then helped us finish loading most of the rest of it.
Michelle and Fanny called tonight to check up on Storm and I. Offered us some help to try and get things fixed around here or whatever we need. It was great to just have someone offer something other then have to try and find it ourself somewhere. I still can't get over all the kids the past few days, they were just so awesome. If not for them we would still be out there looking at the trees and the devastation from the tornado's and the storms from Wednesday. Too bad their church is so far away I am sure Storm would go there if he could. He has always liked church. Any church is good even if it is not SDA. Never really got much from going to the SDA church anyway. You remember all the times I tried to start going again? Just always seemed not to work out with those churches.
Well I think I am still pretty worn out from this whole last week and going to try and get some sleep. I love you very much Cody, and I just can never tell you enough how much I miss you and how I do miss you more each day than the day before. Sleep well my son - mom
Saturday, April 30, 2011
April 30, 2011
We had a rough last part of the week here Cody. We had some real awful storm's come through on Wednesday and Thursday. Lots of people were killed and lots of homes, businesses and towns were really destroyed. Ringgold and Apison were hit very hard by a tornado.
Storm and I got lucky as the line of the tornado that hit them came through here as well. I did have 3 trees fall on the property. 2 took out the garage/shed and one hit the house over the kitchen and dining room. That one did do some damage to part of the roof there.
I found a wonderful page on Facebook and these awesome kids came over here on Thursday night named Josh and Megan. Josh reminds me so much of you - even built and resembles you. Happy guy always kidding and laughing like you. He sure is sweet on Megan as well and he lets everyone know - Just like you would be. He climbed up on the roof Thursday night and just started cutting off branches from that big tree and would drop them down to the ground and Megan and I moved them around some so the next day Storm and I could cut them up more.
I got Storm up about 11 on Friday and he and I moved it all to the front yard after I had cut it up and stacked it all up in the front. Josh and Megan came over again on Friday evening after he got off of work and brought a big flat bed trailer and we piled it all up on there, got it all strapped down. The told me they would be coming back today early with lots more people.
Poor Stormie I had really worked him pretty hard during the day yesterday so he went straight to bed after they left. I had a little trouble sleeping at first but knew I needed to get up early. I woke up around 7 and sure enough about 8 Josh and Megan pulled in and we started getting to work on cutting up more of the tree on the house. Pretty soon more and more cars were showing up. Cody it was just so awesome to see all these young kids just coming over here to help. Kids I never knew but the sweetest kids.
One of them that came, Mandy, her mom is one of Storm's teachers in Honor's Academy, I told her wow small world. I met her mom when Storm and I had to go in for Storm's registration for Honor's Academy for next year. She was so sweet she drove me to Lowe's to buy another chainsaw because the one I had you used just up and died on me yesterday. Lowe's was all out so we went to Home Depot and I picked up another one of them showed with a bunch of groceries. Storm and I are good on food so I had them give it to the people across from Charlie's house. But it was just the thought of these people coming even with groceries. I had about 9 to 10 kids here all day cutting trees, hauling the limbs and helping us clear up all the debris for almost 8 hours.
All these kids were close in age with you 22 or so average. Just doing all this amazing stuff for us. We were truly blessed and fortunate to meet these amazing kids. When they got ready to leave they told me thank you for letting us come help you. I mean, seriously I was the one grateful for all the help and work they did for us. I was just overwhelmed. They gave us a card that they all signed when they left and I had tried to pay Josh back for a strap he broke and had to replace pulling one of the trees off the garage. Along with a gift card in the card was my check I had written for him.
They had really wanted Storm to go to Prom tonight but he couldn't get tickets anymore for him and Shannon to go. So I told him to see if they could go to the movies. He was so sweet he let her pick the movie and her dad was kind enough to come get Storm and take them there. I met her and her dad tonight. She is a really pretty girl. The pictures that Storm has of her really don't do her any justice.
I bought pizza's for lunch for all of them and they were so grateful. They really don't know it was I that was grateful for all they were doing. The only person that ever came to see if I wanted / needed help was really looking for money for doing it. These kids did everything they did for nothing and it really touched my heart so much. I know if you would have been here you would have been out helping especially out there where Pa lived that got hit so hard as well.
I was really missing you badly these past days. I know you would have been here to help. I have all these able bodied neighbors around here and none of them offered help in any way. So for kids to volunteer their time and efforts and help total strangers and do all they did for us was just so amazing to me. The neighbors just watched Storm and I work all day yesterday. And the ones that came and went around us, today would just stop and look and go on their way or come outside to see what was going on and then go back in.
But seriously, how could I expect anything more then that when I already knew how they were when you left us and they knew about it. I told Sissy that this 4x8 sheet of Plywood that landed in my back yard was a sign from God. It is just beautifully painted white on one side already - I have a can of spray paint as well I believe under the sink. It will make the most wonderful sign for the front yard.
Thanking all my wonderful neighbors for their outpouring of sympathy and support when I lost you and for all the help they gave us to remove the trees and debris from our yard. How fortunate we were to move into such an awesome neighborhood.
Sounds quite good to me of course! You never know that might just appear one morning on the front lawn!
The boys were so great they chopped up all the big tree trunks into smaller pieces for Storm and I so that Omi can come get it tomorrow and have it for firewood. Storm even learned how to really start the chainsaw easier then the way he and I always did it before. He was getting quite good at it by the end of today. You would have been so proud of him!
I really miss you Cody and these past 4 days I have really missed being able to call or talk to you. Or possibly even have had you here. You are sorely missed!
I love you so very much. Wish I could just hug you! I still miss you more each day then the day before! Sleep well my son - mom.
Storm and I got lucky as the line of the tornado that hit them came through here as well. I did have 3 trees fall on the property. 2 took out the garage/shed and one hit the house over the kitchen and dining room. That one did do some damage to part of the roof there.
I found a wonderful page on Facebook and these awesome kids came over here on Thursday night named Josh and Megan. Josh reminds me so much of you - even built and resembles you. Happy guy always kidding and laughing like you. He sure is sweet on Megan as well and he lets everyone know - Just like you would be. He climbed up on the roof Thursday night and just started cutting off branches from that big tree and would drop them down to the ground and Megan and I moved them around some so the next day Storm and I could cut them up more.
I got Storm up about 11 on Friday and he and I moved it all to the front yard after I had cut it up and stacked it all up in the front. Josh and Megan came over again on Friday evening after he got off of work and brought a big flat bed trailer and we piled it all up on there, got it all strapped down. The told me they would be coming back today early with lots more people.
Poor Stormie I had really worked him pretty hard during the day yesterday so he went straight to bed after they left. I had a little trouble sleeping at first but knew I needed to get up early. I woke up around 7 and sure enough about 8 Josh and Megan pulled in and we started getting to work on cutting up more of the tree on the house. Pretty soon more and more cars were showing up. Cody it was just so awesome to see all these young kids just coming over here to help. Kids I never knew but the sweetest kids.
One of them that came, Mandy, her mom is one of Storm's teachers in Honor's Academy, I told her wow small world. I met her mom when Storm and I had to go in for Storm's registration for Honor's Academy for next year. She was so sweet she drove me to Lowe's to buy another chainsaw because the one I had you used just up and died on me yesterday. Lowe's was all out so we went to Home Depot and I picked up another one of them showed with a bunch of groceries. Storm and I are good on food so I had them give it to the people across from Charlie's house. But it was just the thought of these people coming even with groceries. I had about 9 to 10 kids here all day cutting trees, hauling the limbs and helping us clear up all the debris for almost 8 hours.
All these kids were close in age with you 22 or so average. Just doing all this amazing stuff for us. We were truly blessed and fortunate to meet these amazing kids. When they got ready to leave they told me thank you for letting us come help you. I mean, seriously I was the one grateful for all the help and work they did for us. I was just overwhelmed. They gave us a card that they all signed when they left and I had tried to pay Josh back for a strap he broke and had to replace pulling one of the trees off the garage. Along with a gift card in the card was my check I had written for him.
They had really wanted Storm to go to Prom tonight but he couldn't get tickets anymore for him and Shannon to go. So I told him to see if they could go to the movies. He was so sweet he let her pick the movie and her dad was kind enough to come get Storm and take them there. I met her and her dad tonight. She is a really pretty girl. The pictures that Storm has of her really don't do her any justice.
I bought pizza's for lunch for all of them and they were so grateful. They really don't know it was I that was grateful for all they were doing. The only person that ever came to see if I wanted / needed help was really looking for money for doing it. These kids did everything they did for nothing and it really touched my heart so much. I know if you would have been here you would have been out helping especially out there where Pa lived that got hit so hard as well.
I was really missing you badly these past days. I know you would have been here to help. I have all these able bodied neighbors around here and none of them offered help in any way. So for kids to volunteer their time and efforts and help total strangers and do all they did for us was just so amazing to me. The neighbors just watched Storm and I work all day yesterday. And the ones that came and went around us, today would just stop and look and go on their way or come outside to see what was going on and then go back in.
But seriously, how could I expect anything more then that when I already knew how they were when you left us and they knew about it. I told Sissy that this 4x8 sheet of Plywood that landed in my back yard was a sign from God. It is just beautifully painted white on one side already - I have a can of spray paint as well I believe under the sink. It will make the most wonderful sign for the front yard.
Thanking all my wonderful neighbors for their outpouring of sympathy and support when I lost you and for all the help they gave us to remove the trees and debris from our yard. How fortunate we were to move into such an awesome neighborhood.
Sounds quite good to me of course! You never know that might just appear one morning on the front lawn!
The boys were so great they chopped up all the big tree trunks into smaller pieces for Storm and I so that Omi can come get it tomorrow and have it for firewood. Storm even learned how to really start the chainsaw easier then the way he and I always did it before. He was getting quite good at it by the end of today. You would have been so proud of him!
I really miss you Cody and these past 4 days I have really missed being able to call or talk to you. Or possibly even have had you here. You are sorely missed!
I love you so very much. Wish I could just hug you! I still miss you more each day then the day before! Sleep well my son - mom.
Monday, April 25, 2011
It's Another Day
Luna had her puppies last night - Easter Sunday. She had 6 of them, 5 boys and 1 girl. When Omi called me the first time she had only had 4 and she said I have to check on her there is a lot of whining going on in the bathroom. She called me back and was so devastated, she said Luna had 2 more. I told her oh well we will have to try and give them all away. Since we really don't know what kind of a dog bred with her. Omi only saw a black dog about Luna's size. Somehow that dog got over Omi's fence and in the dark it was hard to see the other dog she said. But there is nothing but hound dogs up there where she lives so the dad has to be some kind of a hound dog / hunting dog.
A lot of the people up there have kennels of them to use for hunting so one must have gotten loose or someone who lets their dog run loose. We won't be able to really tell much about them for a few weeks still anyway. Omi has no way to take pictures and send them to me over the net of course so I won't be able to see them until I go up there or something or if she brings them down with her the next time she comes to visit. I did stick a ad in the Georgia Trader for next week so maybe we will get lucky and be able to get rid of all of them. Only can cross my fingers on that one.
It is really hot and humid again today 82 in the house alone and I was going to sit outside in the gazebo but it is just darn hot and no breeze :( I need to get my asparagus planted still and have some potato's I need to get in the ground as well. I can't seem to find what I did with my squash seeds and it is really bugging me about that. Hopefully I will find them soon.
I was remembering yesterday the Easters out in California and how we would hide the eggs up on the patio deck for you guys to find. I know there were some pictures of at least one year but I couldn't find them anywhere. I remember when you and Brandy were little and I always had such fun coloring the eggs with you guys and then hiding them the next day for you. Watching you two look all over the yard for them. One year when we lived in the house across from the shop we went to some church for an Easter Egg hunt with the elderly couple across the street that just thought the world of Brandy of you. I have a picture of you guys with them I still have to scan in from one of the photo albums.
Just random thoughts make me start crying and then I can't stop. I cried so much yesterday and last night that when I woke up today my eyes were so swollen I could hardly see for a long time. I think my heart just breaks more and more each passing day. The ache just seems to get bigger and so does the void I feel. Sometimes I just want to get swallowed up so it will all just stop hurting so badly. People say all kinds of things like he is watching over you, and he is watching from heaven, etc. But I don't believe any of that you know. You are what you are here on my bed, and that is it. Even Ann tries and gets me to believe on the near death experiences from other people that are out there on the internet and she had me watch. All of that is such a great and wonderful thought. But you know how I believe and what I raised you to believe.
So I don't know if I will ever get to see you again ever and the last time I saw you might well be the last time I ever did. The last time we talked might be the last time for that as well. I just know I miss my son so damn much and nothing is helping. Cody I am having such a hard time and I really don't know what to do about it.
I wish I could just a little bit of peace or some sense of something but nothing is there. Just a lot of hurt and aching and missing you. I don't even feel anger anymore just a huge sense of loss in you not being here anymore. Even memories are painful because they make me cry just thinking about them. I can't share them with you and we can't laugh about them together or even argue about some of them. I just know it is all eating me up inside and I don't know how to stop it.
I love you Cody and I really miss you horribly - Sleep well my son - mom
A lot of the people up there have kennels of them to use for hunting so one must have gotten loose or someone who lets their dog run loose. We won't be able to really tell much about them for a few weeks still anyway. Omi has no way to take pictures and send them to me over the net of course so I won't be able to see them until I go up there or something or if she brings them down with her the next time she comes to visit. I did stick a ad in the Georgia Trader for next week so maybe we will get lucky and be able to get rid of all of them. Only can cross my fingers on that one.
It is really hot and humid again today 82 in the house alone and I was going to sit outside in the gazebo but it is just darn hot and no breeze :( I need to get my asparagus planted still and have some potato's I need to get in the ground as well. I can't seem to find what I did with my squash seeds and it is really bugging me about that. Hopefully I will find them soon.
I was remembering yesterday the Easters out in California and how we would hide the eggs up on the patio deck for you guys to find. I know there were some pictures of at least one year but I couldn't find them anywhere. I remember when you and Brandy were little and I always had such fun coloring the eggs with you guys and then hiding them the next day for you. Watching you two look all over the yard for them. One year when we lived in the house across from the shop we went to some church for an Easter Egg hunt with the elderly couple across the street that just thought the world of Brandy of you. I have a picture of you guys with them I still have to scan in from one of the photo albums.
Just random thoughts make me start crying and then I can't stop. I cried so much yesterday and last night that when I woke up today my eyes were so swollen I could hardly see for a long time. I think my heart just breaks more and more each passing day. The ache just seems to get bigger and so does the void I feel. Sometimes I just want to get swallowed up so it will all just stop hurting so badly. People say all kinds of things like he is watching over you, and he is watching from heaven, etc. But I don't believe any of that you know. You are what you are here on my bed, and that is it. Even Ann tries and gets me to believe on the near death experiences from other people that are out there on the internet and she had me watch. All of that is such a great and wonderful thought. But you know how I believe and what I raised you to believe.
So I don't know if I will ever get to see you again ever and the last time I saw you might well be the last time I ever did. The last time we talked might be the last time for that as well. I just know I miss my son so damn much and nothing is helping. Cody I am having such a hard time and I really don't know what to do about it.
I wish I could just a little bit of peace or some sense of something but nothing is there. Just a lot of hurt and aching and missing you. I don't even feel anger anymore just a huge sense of loss in you not being here anymore. Even memories are painful because they make me cry just thinking about them. I can't share them with you and we can't laugh about them together or even argue about some of them. I just know it is all eating me up inside and I don't know how to stop it.
I love you Cody and I really miss you horribly - Sleep well my son - mom
Easter Sunday
Cody, I miss you so much today.. I would have talked to you today or maybe you would have even been here already. Fanny invited Storm and I over to her house for dinner. It was great to get out of the house and to be with friends.
Sissy sent me a ton of pictures of Loralei and also of her and Loralei tonight. As I looked at them I just started to cry. You are missing so much never to see all the things you should be seeing. Your niece walking and enjoying her very first Easter.
I went though a bunch of pictures today. I really haven't slept but one hour in the last 48 or so.. Strange I even have been drinking beer since Michelle brought me home but I guess I am drinking it way to slow because I can't even get tired from doing that.
I found a lot of old pictures of you. I posted them all to Face Book. Omi called me tonight around 7 or 8 and Luna had her puppies tonight too. Mutt puppies but she had 6 total. Omi was pretty upset about the last 2 cus she thought there was only 4 she didn't check the sexes of the last 2. When she had checked Luna had 3 boys and one girl and Omi said they were all black and looked like Luna - but of course we know some stupid ass hound dog got her.
I did breed China though with Mojo I guess in 62 days I will find out. Luna went 63 days. I know you would be excited about that. But I won't try and breed Mojo with Luna until next year now.
I had a long talk with Omi tonight about a lot of things, some was about you. I am not going to talk about what it was because I don't want others to get upset about it.
But Omi and I went through a lot with Sarah and Trinity and got pretty kicked on that one. I did my best to stay out of what was going on with you and Beverlee and only offered the things I offered which were not accepted. But it was not my place to get in the middle of any of that. You needed to make your decisions on your own. I could only bitch about it and tell you what I thought about it all. I know we "bumped" heads a lot on it as Kelli called it. Sissy is pretty devastated over it all because the last time you talked was about her wanting to adopt him. You two argued about it.
I raised good kids, I know it and am proud of all of you. You three are the strongest kids I know. You never let anyone influence you or make you do something you didn't want to. Regardless of anything.
Today has really been hard on me. Larry texted me today Happy Easter - I was sorta shocked about that. Then he told me he was looking at Southwest airlines - well the last plane in the air peeled like a sardine can on the top. I worry so much about Storm now. I don't think I could take one more devastation in my life ever again. He blows it off but I had 3 boys and now I only have 1. I told him that I guess when Storm is gone if China has puppies he will miss that - classic response well I am sure you will post it all over FB.. hmm I think Elysia might have made a comment. But that hasn't changed the fact that any of them call Stormie any more then they have before.
It is going to be the hardest month and then some of my life in a long time to not have him here, other then your accident, because now I just worry so much about him and am so scared for him. She insinuated I have turned him against them. And you above anyone knows, I have never done that with any of you. You make decisions on your own based on relationships. I can't force people or family members to stay in contact that is all on their own. They do what they want. That only leaves you with your own conclusions.
I went from having 1 to 0 to 3 to 2 and God forbid anything else happen. I pray more now then I ever have - probably makes Omi happy. I think today I have cried just about as much as I did the day after your accident.
I think what I want the most is all the hard / bad feelings between people to go away. Especially all the girls, I know that only you know it all and you will never be able to tell anyone anything anymore. The only person that knew it all was you and you can't ever say another word to anyone. I just want peace where everyone is concerned and to just let it go and remember what each one had and that is it.
Brandy and I learned so much after you left us. A lot of was painful on our part for you that you never let us know. For whatever reasons you had. Other parts showed us where your head was at and what you wanted to do but were not able to accomplish. Cody I could have taken it. Yes I would have stood up for you and I would probably have said my piece. But you know I would have been there for you, regardless.
I should have gotten you to come home after it didn't work out with when you went to Omaha. Not saying that results might not have the same somewhere down the line but you would have been home where you belonged. Not where things have ended up like they have.
I have spent pretty much all day listening to the DVD, over and over the PP presentation and the Born Free song. I am still looking for pictures of you that I might be missing somewhere.
I still have not come to grips with any of this.. I found a bunch of pics of your dad when I first met him an we were dating and uploaded them, back in the day when he was still sort of normal. I know you would have liked that.
I think sleep is finally trying to over come me so I am going to close this post - I love you so much Cody, I know you might not believe it but I can't even come close to describing how much I miss you - Sleep Well my son - mom
Sissy sent me a ton of pictures of Loralei and also of her and Loralei tonight. As I looked at them I just started to cry. You are missing so much never to see all the things you should be seeing. Your niece walking and enjoying her very first Easter.
I went though a bunch of pictures today. I really haven't slept but one hour in the last 48 or so.. Strange I even have been drinking beer since Michelle brought me home but I guess I am drinking it way to slow because I can't even get tired from doing that.
I found a lot of old pictures of you. I posted them all to Face Book. Omi called me tonight around 7 or 8 and Luna had her puppies tonight too. Mutt puppies but she had 6 total. Omi was pretty upset about the last 2 cus she thought there was only 4 she didn't check the sexes of the last 2. When she had checked Luna had 3 boys and one girl and Omi said they were all black and looked like Luna - but of course we know some stupid ass hound dog got her.
I did breed China though with Mojo I guess in 62 days I will find out. Luna went 63 days. I know you would be excited about that. But I won't try and breed Mojo with Luna until next year now.
I had a long talk with Omi tonight about a lot of things, some was about you. I am not going to talk about what it was because I don't want others to get upset about it.
But Omi and I went through a lot with Sarah and Trinity and got pretty kicked on that one. I did my best to stay out of what was going on with you and Beverlee and only offered the things I offered which were not accepted. But it was not my place to get in the middle of any of that. You needed to make your decisions on your own. I could only bitch about it and tell you what I thought about it all. I know we "bumped" heads a lot on it as Kelli called it. Sissy is pretty devastated over it all because the last time you talked was about her wanting to adopt him. You two argued about it.
I raised good kids, I know it and am proud of all of you. You three are the strongest kids I know. You never let anyone influence you or make you do something you didn't want to. Regardless of anything.
Today has really been hard on me. Larry texted me today Happy Easter - I was sorta shocked about that. Then he told me he was looking at Southwest airlines - well the last plane in the air peeled like a sardine can on the top. I worry so much about Storm now. I don't think I could take one more devastation in my life ever again. He blows it off but I had 3 boys and now I only have 1. I told him that I guess when Storm is gone if China has puppies he will miss that - classic response well I am sure you will post it all over FB.. hmm I think Elysia might have made a comment. But that hasn't changed the fact that any of them call Stormie any more then they have before.
It is going to be the hardest month and then some of my life in a long time to not have him here, other then your accident, because now I just worry so much about him and am so scared for him. She insinuated I have turned him against them. And you above anyone knows, I have never done that with any of you. You make decisions on your own based on relationships. I can't force people or family members to stay in contact that is all on their own. They do what they want. That only leaves you with your own conclusions.
I went from having 1 to 0 to 3 to 2 and God forbid anything else happen. I pray more now then I ever have - probably makes Omi happy. I think today I have cried just about as much as I did the day after your accident.
I think what I want the most is all the hard / bad feelings between people to go away. Especially all the girls, I know that only you know it all and you will never be able to tell anyone anything anymore. The only person that knew it all was you and you can't ever say another word to anyone. I just want peace where everyone is concerned and to just let it go and remember what each one had and that is it.
Brandy and I learned so much after you left us. A lot of was painful on our part for you that you never let us know. For whatever reasons you had. Other parts showed us where your head was at and what you wanted to do but were not able to accomplish. Cody I could have taken it. Yes I would have stood up for you and I would probably have said my piece. But you know I would have been there for you, regardless.
I should have gotten you to come home after it didn't work out with when you went to Omaha. Not saying that results might not have the same somewhere down the line but you would have been home where you belonged. Not where things have ended up like they have.
I have spent pretty much all day listening to the DVD, over and over the PP presentation and the Born Free song. I am still looking for pictures of you that I might be missing somewhere.
I still have not come to grips with any of this.. I found a bunch of pics of your dad when I first met him an we were dating and uploaded them, back in the day when he was still sort of normal. I know you would have liked that.
I think sleep is finally trying to over come me so I am going to close this post - I love you so much Cody, I know you might not believe it but I can't even come close to describing how much I miss you - Sleep Well my son - mom
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