Easter Sunday

Cody, I miss you so much today.. I would have talked to you today or maybe you would have even been here already.  Fanny invited Storm and I over to her house for dinner. It was great to get out of the house and to be with friends.

Sissy sent me a ton of pictures of Loralei and also of her and Loralei tonight. As I looked at them I just started to cry. You are missing so much never to see all the things you should be seeing. Your niece walking and enjoying her very first Easter.

I went though a bunch of pictures today. I really haven't slept but one hour in the last 48 or so.. Strange I even have been drinking beer since Michelle brought me home but I guess I am drinking it way to slow because I can't even get tired from doing that.

I found a lot of old pictures of you. I posted them all to Face Book. Omi called me tonight around 7 or 8 and Luna had her puppies tonight too. Mutt puppies but she had 6 total. Omi was pretty upset about the last 2 cus she thought there was only 4 she didn't check the sexes of the last 2. When she had checked Luna had 3 boys and one girl and Omi said they were all black and looked like Luna - but of course we know some stupid ass hound dog got her.

I did breed China though with Mojo I guess in 62 days I will find out. Luna went 63 days. I know you would be excited about that. But I won't try and breed Mojo with Luna until next year now.

I had a long talk with Omi tonight about a lot of things, some was about you. I am not going to talk about what it was because I don't want others to get upset about it.

But Omi and I went through a lot with Sarah and Trinity and got pretty kicked on that one. I did my best to stay out of what was going on with you and Beverlee and only offered the things I offered which were not accepted. But it was not my place to get in the middle of any of that. You needed to make your decisions on your own. I could only bitch about it and tell you what I thought about it all. I know we "bumped" heads a lot on it as Kelli called it. Sissy is pretty devastated over it all because the last time you talked was about her wanting to adopt him. You two argued about it.

I raised good kids, I know it and am proud of all of you. You three are the strongest kids I know. You never let anyone influence you or make you do something you didn't want to. Regardless of anything.

Today has really been hard on me. Larry texted me today Happy Easter - I was sorta shocked about that. Then he told me he was looking at Southwest airlines - well the last plane in the air peeled like a sardine can on the top. I worry so much about Storm now. I don't think I could take one more devastation in my life ever again. He blows it off but I had 3 boys and now I only have 1. I told him that I guess when Storm is gone if China has puppies he will miss that - classic response well I am sure you will post it all over FB.. hmm I think Elysia might have made a comment. But that hasn't changed the fact that any of them call Stormie any more then they have before.

It is going to be the hardest month and then some of my life in a long time to not have him here, other then your accident, because now I just worry so much about him and am so scared for him. She insinuated I have turned him against them. And you above anyone knows, I have never done that with any of you. You make decisions on your own based on relationships. I can't force people or family members to stay in contact that is all on their own. They do what they want. That only leaves you with your own conclusions.

I went from having 1 to 0 to 3 to 2 and God forbid anything else happen. I pray more now then I ever have - probably makes Omi happy. I think today I have cried just about as much as I did the day after your accident.

I think what I want the most is all the hard / bad feelings between people to go away. Especially all the girls, I know that only you know it all and you will never be able to tell anyone anything anymore. The only person that knew it all was you and you can't ever say another word to anyone. I just want peace where everyone is concerned and to just let it go and remember what each one had and that is it.

Brandy and I learned so much after you left us. A lot of was painful on our part for you that you never let us know. For whatever reasons you had. Other parts showed us where your head was at and what you wanted to do but were not able to accomplish. Cody I could have taken it. Yes I would have stood up for you and I would probably have said my piece. But you know I would have been there for you, regardless.

I should have gotten you to come home after it didn't work out with when you went to Omaha. Not saying that results might not have the same somewhere down the line but you would have been home where you belonged. Not where things have ended up like they have.

I have spent pretty much all day listening to the DVD, over and over the PP presentation and the Born Free song. I am still looking for pictures of you that I might be missing somewhere.

I still have not come to grips with any of this.. I found a bunch of pics of your dad when I first met him an we were dating and uploaded them, back in the day when he was still sort of normal. I know you would have liked that.

I think sleep is finally trying to over come me so I am going to close this post  - I love you so much Cody, I know you might not believe it but I can't even come close to describing how much I miss you  - Sleep Well my son - mom