Cody's First Hair Cut by Me

It is an amazing thing about children - They will eat anything, wear anything, and do what you say, until outside influences start cutting into their lives.. Until that time - they really have not major likes or dislikes.

That was the way it was with Cody - he ate anything always loved whatever you put in front of him and never really disliked much of anything but Brussel Sprouts. Only thing I ever really found he didn't like. He was my spinach eating partner :)

Ok, yes I know this is about his first hair cut by me.. It wasn't his first hair cut though.. OH NO.. his first hair cut they did without my permission and OH BOY was I MAD.. Cody you would't have remembered that as you were only about 2 or 3 at the time.. Yes, they took him down and cut off his hair.. Knowing how mad I would be..

He had beautiful long blonde hair.. well, like I said children don't think anything about things until other people start making big deals about stuff... Then sometimes they will agree to agree.. or to make you happy, or for whatever reason..

Well, it was always a problem for Omi, Granny and Pa that he had long hair.. As he got older they would make comments about it trying to get him to agree that he didn't like it long.. Sort of what people have done to Storm all his life as well.  He was about 9 and came home at the end of summer and again he was complaining to have it cut because he of course heard about it again over his vacation back east.

After the first time they cut his hair no one dared to do it again :)  Anyway so he comes home and he was doing the normal after hearing about it for weeks again how it was wrong to have long hair and be a boy, did he want to look like a girl? etc, etc, etc.

So I came home from work one day and he was in his room and I saw hair on the floor and scissors and when I saw what he did, oh boy.... no he didn't cut off the back of his hair.. no nothing like that.. no he had cut off his bangs right to the scalp all across the front of his face..

Nothing I could have done to rectify the damage he had created by doing that.. I was upset to say the least because it was only the influences of other members of the family that had him do it in the first place.. prior to that he had liked it and didn't mind it or ever ask to have it cut off.

So I got a hair band and pony-tailed up all his hair and cut it off at the scalp.. got out the Oster electric razor and burred his head.. He never had long hair again after that..

But that reminds me as well when we moved here from California and Storm was in kindergarten at Apison Elementary and the principal had the odacity to call me up and tell me I had to cut Storm's hair because other kids were upset because it was long and that the other boys didn't like it when he went into the boys room to use the restroom..

My response to that principal was that if kids were upset about the length of his hair it only showed me that they were being raised by a bunch of narrow-minded parents. I was not going to cut his hair just because she or the kids at the school didn't like it.. Remember that Cody? you were about 15 at the time.. You even agreed with me on that :)

Well I hope you enjoyed this memory.. I love you Cody and I miss you so much - Sleep well my son - mom

Quarter of a Century

That is about as long as you were a part of my life - Some of them haven't even been on this earth that long yet.. In a couple more months you would have been 25 years old.

Am I ok? no, plain and simple I am not.. I look at all these pictures like I did yesterday giving them names not numbers.. I spent a lot of time yesterday watching that presentation over and over again and looking at all those pictures and reading all the comments etc.. Just really really got to me.. I sat on my big computer yesterday working on everything and you were here on my bed and every time I saw that urn I just wanted to scream how unfair it all was..

I see you in the pictures and that is how you are to me but yet I have this ugly urn here that is supposed to be you now and I just still can't believe it and don't want to believe it.. I cried so much last night and here I sit again today crying. I only eat something because I know I have to.. I get dizzy all the time.  I want to accomplish so much this summer but the joy isn't there anymore and I don't really feel like it..

Quarter of a Century you were a part of my life - I had you when I was 26 years old and I lost you at the age of 51.. You were what kept me alive when I had that terrible heat stroke when I worked for Gene and even the paramedics didn't think I would make it... All I had going through my mind the entire time was you how no one would know who to contact if something happened to me - I couldn't talk anymore I was so far gone. My mind wanted to go to sleep I remember that so clearly and all I kept thinking was how I had to stay conscious because we were living at that motel in the middle of the valley by where we were surveying all the farm land there.. and no one would know about Omi or anyone or who to call about you and what would happen to you if I lost consciousness. You kept me alive that day Cody it was all about you that my thoughts were consumed with and how I had to be ok for you.

Do you remember living there at the motel for 3 or 4 weeks at a time while I worked in the fields? You had so much fun there playing in the pool with the other kids there. And the girl that lived on the end upstairs used to babysit you for me while I worked? I would get home usually around 2 in the afternoon or so and we would hang out at the pool until it got dark. It was better then where we really lived sharing that house with that weird guy who was totally a whack job? Where all we could do that was just live in the bedroom the whole time.  You had little friends there as well, and you loved to ride your bike until it was stolen from us.. cut right off the chain.

Definitely interesting days of our lives then. But then any job was better then no job to support us.. Remember we didn't even have a bed to sleep on for the first month we lived there. I finally got one from the salvation army or some such place.   I applied at every cabinet shop within 50 miles of Walnut Creek and no one would hire me.. because they were all discriminatory about hiring a woman.. said I couldn't keep up with the boys, etc.. Then the one job I did finally get in one he fired me because I wouldn't date him too. Then good old Gene came into our lives and put me to work surveying but we had to move to the job sites because we would be there for weeks at a time.

Those sure were interesting days in our lives that is for sure.. Oh and then you got lice at school and that was a total nightmare.. Everyone tried to make me cut off all your hair and I refused to do it.. Oh and you so hated me going through your head constantly..

Got to love head checks at school that is how they spread them from kid to another more then kids getting them from each other.. because the stupid people don't change their gloves from child to child.. Even Storm has gotten them from their dumb ass head checks..

Yep I have the memories of a half my life with you and I don't know if I will be ok.. that is a long time to have someone in their life and to lose them and then try and go on.. I wouldn't / couldn't want to lose a husband or wife who I spent most of my life with.. I know just how much I am trying to hold now and it wasn't 40 or 50 years.. But you were a part of half of my life.. Storm and I have a good relationship but you know how he is .. quiet and doesn't say a whole lot and just likes to be alone all the time.. While you .. you would come in and bug me now and then come sit in here with me and talk or watch what I was watching or just come to tease or pick on me in your way.. and you loved to do that..

It was ok the way it was before you left but now that I know you aren't ever coming home again the way you were it isn't ok.. not ok to sit here all by myself day after day.. with all my thoughts going through my head and no way to get rid of them..

It's like I just got up a bit ago but all I want to do is go back to sleep again.. I know that supposedly God doesn't give us more to deal with then we can.. but I don't know if this time he just didn't do an overload on me. Well I think I am going to give in and actually lie down again.. I will add more to this post when I wake up..

I love you so much Cody and I miss you more and more every day - Sleep well my son - mom

Some Days

I woke up this morning early again didn't get much sleep. Omi was up had to let the dogs each out without letting them get close to each other.. Omi asked me if I was going to be ok and well I said yes as usual..

She had told me she had brought cards from friends that they had sent her and I sat here reading them.  And after reading them I just started to cry and everything just comes flooding back all over me.. and I just can't stop. It is days like this that I just don't know if I can ever get over or beyond this..

 It's 8 in the morning and I mopped the kitchen floor already because Mojo and China knocked over the water dish last night and then wrestled all over the kitchen and it was muddy as heck.. So I have accomplished something today.. But now I just want to sit here and do absolutely nothing. Now I am just going to play "Born Free" over and over because that is the mood I am in right now. Somehow that song does in a way give me some comfort thinking about you and your life and all the challenges you faced. And how big of a heart you had and just how you became as a young man.

Some days, it is just unbearable like today.. nights are really bad for me because then my mind just works and works and works.. But you know how nights were for me all the time.. you used to tell me "Mom you worry too much".. moms are supposed to..

I know we are supposed to think no regrets.. but I have a lot of them.. How I should have walked after Storm was born and maybe should have tried to be a family with you know who I am talking about.. But, no I stuck it out with Larry because I felt I should give him a chance and his family a chance and have Storm grow up with his real dad and his other sister and brothers.. But in the long run that was the wrong choice for you.

He hadn't wanted us anymore after I got pregnant with Storm anyway.. It was only because I told him I didn't get that way all alone and I lost my job and I was damned if I was going to live on the street.. How it took him over 2 months to even hold Storm after he was born.. He ignored him to the point where his own kids were asking if he was ever going to have anything to do with him or hold him. I will never forget the day he took me for my ultrasound and they said for sure Storm was a boy - although just like each of you when I was pregnant I always knew what you were before you were born, and he said another damned boy and walked out of the room.

You were little still 9 at that time so you probably remember but I don't think you thought much about that like I did since you, little poor you were having to deal with your own crap from all the rest of them too.

Then I regret staying here and not moving down to Florida instead back to where mom was.. I knew why you wanted to stay here because of Pa and Granny, and I am grateful for the time you had with Granny before she passed away.. But really it wasn't good for you because they gave you what you wanted above my objections and then in turn used to bitch at me all the time because of what you did, but you did what you did because they let you and wouldn't do what I asked.

I regret that I let you go to Omaha, that I didn't try and talk you out of it because I knew it would end up just like it did in Hawaii when you went there to meet and be with that girl.. and sure enough the Omaha thing didn't even last the weekend when you got there.. I know you and I were having a lot of issues about you and your lifestyle at the time and I really wanted you to grow up and become responsible but I still really regret I let you go.

Maybe you wouldn't have been hanging out with kids 5 and 6 years younger then you and more with kids your own age like you did here.. Not feel you had things to prove to them because you were older then they were I don't know what was going through your head anymore there at the last before your accident..

I regret I stayed with your dad as long as I did, I regret I didn't marry that man I was dating when I was pregnant with you although he was 20 years older then I was and Omi hated him at first.. Maybe life for you would have been so much different if I would have made such different choice..

I regret I ever went back with your dad after I met Randy, and he asked me to marry him.. He would have been an awesome dad . I regret so many of the choices I made but when I made the choices I thought they were the right choices at the time and my expectations were always high that things would work out. That life had to be better then it was..

It is like the saying the pasture is always greener on the other side.. Remember when I went to Canada to meet my sperm donor dad when I was 30 after I had my surgery? How I learned that the grass isn't and what you thought and what reality are is totally two different things?  That all the preconceived ideas you had growing up are just that and that what you thought was really not what it is.. How I would never have lived with him and his "new" family but would have been raised by my grandparents if Omi wouldn't have taken me with her? How after 30 years they still tried to trash Omi and talked bad about her? When in reality he was the one that was in the wrong?

But that never let me stop me in trying to make good things out of bad things? and you are so much like me. Although for me I worry a lot even about little things and for some reason can't stop and my mind is always working like the counselor told me - monkey brain?

You watched me struggle all your life - when I went back to college and I still had to come home and make dinner for everyone before I could go to class, because Larry wouldn't cook and said it was my responsibility.. And I think that made you strong in yourself, watching so much of what I went through and then going through all the things you did as well.

But days like today - as I think about all this I just can't get my regrets out of my head and just think that if just one thing I had done differently you would still be here with me and some of your choices in life would have been so much different. Maybe instead of always looking for love and acceptance you would have learned what a real relationship is between 2 people.

I remember that time in the kitchen, before you went to Hawaii I heard you on the phone with that girl that lived there and you hadn't known her but a few weeks and you were telling her how much you loved her.. I told you, you have no idea what love is, Cody you really didn't, you only knew what my love was like but love you craved from your dad and never received or other members of your family left you lacking in the real understanding of it.. You were loved by Sissy and Storm but those are different kinds of love as well. Kelli loved you and I know how much you loved her and that was love.. but for some reason you pushed that one away and then when you realized what you did lose it was too late at that time..

I regret I never was able to find someone in my life that would have been helpful in your life and given you what you so much needed, a father figure, someone to talk to and to relate to you and to help you adjust to becoming a man. To have been there for you and helped you. Someone you could have gone to for advice and guidance. Someone who loved to spend time with you and do things with you that you so much deserved.

Storm doesn't have that either but, he hasn't ever had to go through all you have gone through.. He had you, that he talked to and discussed things with and learned from.. but that is different as well. I did learn from and with you, because it made me realize the negative impact the wrong man in my life had on yours and so have not done it again to this day..

I am glad I made that choice - it gave me time with you, time I wouldn't have had otherwise if there would have been another person to have to live with and deal with in our house all these years or in our life. You might have actually have left like Sissy did when she came out to CA and lived with us and got pretty much chased out of the home not long after moving out there.

But it is still days like today that mind is working in overdrive and I can't stop all the thoughts and all the feelings that are running rampant inside of me and the pain I am feeling for all the days of your life that you did have to live with the things you did because of my choices.. the regrets.. the what if's etc.. I know I shouldn't because you wouldn't want me to .. but I just can't help these thoughts..

This is for you Cody:

Fast, on a rough road riding
High, through the mountains climbing
twisting, turning further from my home.
Fierce, through the rain and lightning
Wandering out into this great unknown - - Going to Omaha, leaving your home so far behind. Starting a new chapter in your life. All the times you left home before and tried to make it on your own.

And I don't want no one to cry.
But, tell 'em if I don't survive - - You wouldn't want us to be sad about what has happened to you.
I was born free!
I was born free
I was born free, born free - - Means your independence, your way of doing things on your own, not letting others dictate to you or talk you into anything - How you did things in your time and after you hashed it out within yourself.

Free, like a river raging
Strong as the wind I'm facing.
Chasing dreams and racing father time.
Deep like the grandest canyon,
Wild like an untamed stallion
If you can't see my heart you must be blind.
You can knock me down and watch me bleed
But you can't keep no chains on me - - How you were in life, you never let anything keep you down no matter what the challenge was or how much it hurt you. You always came back from it with a happy heart and a smile and a laugh.

I was born free
I was born free
I was born free, born free.

And I'm not good at long goodbyes
But look down deep into my eyes
I was born free. - - you never were good at saying goodbye but always looked forward to that next adventure. I always knew you would do it your way on your terms and in your time.. If you were meant to stay gone you would and if you were meant to come back home then you did every time.

Calm, facing danger
Lost, like and unknown stranger
Grateful for my time with no regrets - - You faced so much in your life and you never complained about any of it and I am praying you had no regrets.

Close to my destination
Tired, frail and aching
Waiting patiently for the sun to set - - You always had hope in your heart and yet I know how much it all effected you. You did wait patiently for some aspects to hopefully work out the way you always dreamed of.

And when it's done, believe that I
will yell it from that mountain high
I was born free
I was born free
I was born free, born free - - I believe if you were here now and could tell us that this is just what you would do yell it at the top of your lungs from the highest mountain, you were happy and you lived the way you wanted to.

I will bow to the shining sea
And celebrate God's grace on thee - you would want each and every one of us to be happy and know you loved us and that you knew we loved you.

Cody I love you so much and I can't even tell you how much I miss you - Sleep well my son - mom

How we met Jay

I was reading on Beverlee's wall today how Takoda is sick and it reminded me of the time when you were about his age and we had just moved up to that huge house on the mountain there in Bradley County. Brandy was still going to the school in Apison because when school had started we first lived with Granny and Pa in their house there in Apison.

We didn't have a phone there in that house on the mountain. You had gotten really sick and I was taking you to the pediatrician that morning after I dropped Sissy off at school in Apison.  The car your dad had bought me there was something going out on it and he hadn't looked at it, and that morning I couldn't get him up as usual to take me in.. in his truck...

It was real early in the morning and I always took all the back roads to Apison because that was the quickest way to get to the school.  The car died on me and here I was just sitting in the car not knowing what to do now. You were sick and Sissy had to get to school.  And here comes a pick-up truck.. The guy stopped and asked me what was wrong.. I told him I had no idea and had to get Sissy to school and needed to get you to the Doctor because you were so sick.. And here he was had work to do and all and he told me to get both you kids and jump in the truck.

He introduced himself and said his name was Jay.  He drove us to Apison and dropped Sissy off at school. Then he asked me where your Doctor was, I told him and he drove you and I over there and waited while we saw the Doctor.. Then he took me to get the prescriptions I needed and to the store to get a bunch of Pedialite for you. Then God bless him he stopped off at McDonalds and got me something to eat and even got your dad some food.

Then he drove me home, he even came into the house and your dad as usual was still sleeping.. He introduced himself and explained what happened with my car.. He even told your dad to stop by where he worked the next day and he would give your dad a job. He was the Foreman for the property of someone there in the country.

He became a good friend of mine and I know you were little the last time we lived in Bradley county there on the county line but he would still come see us and make sure everything was ok with us all the years that we knew him.  Of course when we moved back here in 2000 I couldn't find out what happened to him as he no longer worked where he had. But you when you were little and he would come see us you really loved him. He was always so good to you kids.

I just wanted to share the memory of that with you Cody, I know you didn't know how I met him but he was a good friend for many years to us.

I love you and I miss you so much Cody, Sleep well my son - mom

Your Plants

I missed my ride with Ann next door the other day to catch a ride to Big Lots. So I called Fanny the other night and asked her if she wouldn't mind running me up when she got a chance.  So bless her Fanny came over yesterday evening and took me down to Big Lots to buy some pots for the plants.

I forgot to get a Memory Box though, darn I was mad at myself when I realized I had forgotten that. I got up early this morning and Storm was still up he never went to sleep all night - Pulled a you and stayed up all night and was hoping I am sure to sleep all day long. But I got him up around 3 in the afternoon to give me a hand with  getting some of the stuff put into the shed/garage whatever in the back yard there. Then he helped me set up all the plants I had potted. He kept banging his head on the black hanging basket and complaining ha ha..

Then he got the chainsaw so I could chop down that awful tree in front of my bedroom window.. Poor Storm there was gas in it but not enough and he must have tried for half an hour to get it started pulling and pulling.. Finally I told him maybe just not enough gas in there and sure enough it started after we put more in there.

I asked him if he wanted to do it but he didn't so I chopped it down while he removed the branches as I cut them off.  I chopped down that little oak tree as well that was trying to grow in the middle of the lilies there in the side front of the yard.. 

I guess Omi re-potted her as well yesterday because she called me in the late afternoon after talking to Sissy and said I guess we did the same thing today!  

She is still all worried that Luna is pregnant but I guess time will tell in a few more weeks or so.. Sometime towards the end of the year though I will breed her with Mojo and let Beverlee have pick of the litter for Takoda.. I know you would have really liked that!  That will be the only time I will breed her I think.. maybe breed China once as well but that is all.. I miss Luna around the house as well but you know how the three of them were together sometimes. 

All the plants look good out there and hopefully my green thumb will return so I can keep them all healthy and living.. When I go out there it reminds me of you and makes me think about you a lot.. Not that I don't, I still keep you with me here in the house where I go and you still get the middle of the bed at night.. Where you used to always worm your way onto my bed and push me over to the side! I can still see you all around the house.. I was telling Jeff yesterday when he came back to roto-till the garden since I had, had it done the day you had your accident and never went back out into the back yard after that.. The tree you chopped down for me last spring still laying there where you never chopped it up.. and how after you had sawed it down you told me - Mom that is how you chop a tree down!  because I had started on it and then Storm had gone into the house to tell you to come do it so I didn't hurt my back more.. and you came out and took the chainsaw from me and finished it off.. 

Then you sawed down some of the branches of the tree in the middle of the yard as well.. We had the puppies running around the yard and you and Storm were playing with them.. Storm is home for Spring Break this week so I have him to help some.  He finished up the weed eating for me in the front yard today.. I got most of it done but he did the section in front of my bedroom window for me.. 

Thursday he leaves for North Carolina to go to Ashville to the Planetarium there to take a course.. He is looking forward to that.. I will miss him.. the house will be so empty for the 2 days he is gone.. He will learn how to use a radio telescope.. Then the next week he will leave on Wednesday for Orlando, Florida for the band trip to Disney World where they will be playing as well.. So the next few weeks for him are pretty full with some things to do.. But will be quite lonely for me :(  

I called your phone the other day just so I could hear your voice.. I miss talking to you :(  You laughing or telling me something funny or what you have been doing.. or just hearing you tell me.. Mom I didn't call you for a lecture!.. I know I have to get on track and do things but it's so hard to motivate myself right now.. I do something and then I start thinking and I get depressed and just want to lie down and not do anything else.. I keep forgetting to take my BP medicine guess it's been a few days again now.. but not even sure now where I put it the last time I took it... my arm has been bothering me and I know it is just stress and everything so I keep telling myself I am ok and not is wrong with me.. I can't have a panic attack - wouldn't be good for Storm at all .. so I just keep telling myself I am ok.. 

I wish I could get him to spend some time outside of his bedroom with me but he just stays in there for the most part.. Every now and then he comes out to talk for a few minutes. But then he is gone again holed up in his bedroom.  I sit here on the couch until evening and then go lie in my room.. But at least I have finally made the transition from just staying in my room all the time to at least coming out here during the day now.. 

It is only 4 in the afternoon and the day has seemed endless today.. I talked to the neighbors across the street today.. first time since your accident.. I happened to catch their dad outside while I was weedeating.. told him to tell his daughter how much we appreciated her posting on your wall after the accident.. he just said, sorry about your loss we heard.. I knew they had as Ann had told them the next day after your accident.. and as Rachel had posted on your wall.. they just never said anything or came across the street or said anything when we were outside and they were as well.. Always seems odd to me how people you know that are close to you either in proximity or relationship wise can't acknowledge things sometimes.. guess some folks are just like that.. 

I am just glad I was not raised that way and neither were you.. I am still upset with the fact you never got to tell Pa you were sorry to hear about Mary.. but again it wasn't because you didn't try.. I am proud of you for that even though I know you didn't like her much.. I should have called him but I didn't, but you know how he always got with me on the phone and it would have ended up the way it always did and me hanging up on him.  Plus he had never called to give me his new number anyway so I guess he didn't want to hear from me. 

Well Cody I guess I am going to go for now and maybe see if I can get some of the Honeysuckle planted before it starts to rain.. I think I have a little bit of energy left to do that and I need to get them into the ground.. I love you and I miss you so much Cody!! - Sleep well my son - mom.

California

You know that message you sent me today Elysia, dredged up so many memories for me all the years in California trying to make it a happy family life.. I tried my best to treat all 3 of you kids just like my own. Because I too lived in a blended family that wasn't a happy family life for me and I knew how it was for me all my years of growing up with 3 step-sisters always against me. Three against one my entire life up until I was about 20. I didn't want that for my kids or for you guys.. But Cody ended up just like I did always 3 against 1.

I can't count the amounts of arguments I had with your dad over the treatment of Cody. I always tried my best to keep everything fair between all you kids not show any favoritism to mine over you guys. How many years was I in counseling out there? years I did years of it there, you know what I talked about every monday when I went? it was all about the home life and what we were going through that is what I talked about for years.. and it didn't help... Drink, OMG it was insane for me, yep, I did. I didn't take any drugs for my Panic/anxiety disorder and wow look what happened when Brandy came out that one year.. I ended up in the ER in San Francisco.. Yep, I totally self-medicated I don't deny one iota of that.. Home life was horrible a lot of the time. Your dad always screaming and mad when he got home from work. Kids didn't do what he wanted etc. You OMG you were the princess.. you got stuff the boys didn't get because of his guilt feelings or whatever.. You were the one that got soda and special this or that not the boys, it was never fair for the boys ever in my book. I even argued about that.. I know about the night you went out and took Brandy with you and you were getting high and drinking and stuff.. Brandy never told on you. You always acted like you were such a good little girl but in reality it was way way different.. You couldn't do any wrong in your dad's book ever.. The boys got the blunt of that a lot.. And all the while it was still Cody who was left out in the cold and not accepted by any of you.

It really got down there when he was pulling light bulbs out of the back room that Brandy used as her bedroom because she would read and fall asleep with the light on and he went spastic over that.. But he never did shit like that to you.

Cody was the little kid that stands outside the window of the house and sees the loving family inside and wishes he could have that but never does.. Yep that is how it was for him. He was 7 years old for god's sake when your dad and I got together.. who can't love a little 7 year old child? I opened my heart up for all of you. But none of you did for him ever. And then you sort of wondered why he had such animosity for Storm when he was little? Because you all had no problem loving Storm when he came along but then he was your half-brother.. But then gee after you had Nicholas, guess what all that changed for you guys with Storm as well, your brothers stopped paying much attention to him after that.. it was all about your son then.. Yep, I remember all that real well.. even through my supposed drunken haze..

Cody was dissed by his dad and also by all of you.. You guys had no problem asking me to take you here there or where ever to run errands because your mom wouldn't / couldn't come do it and your dad was at work or where ever... I was always there for all of you guys. After years of taking it I finally decided I wanted out. I was going to be fair with the custody of Storm and split it 50/50 and any of you could have seen or had him whenever you wanted to.  But, Gee if memory again serves this drunk bitch right, it was you that came and served me papers from your dad one night.. He was already taking Storm with him to go see some woman he was seeing already.. that didn't take him any time to post an ad in the newspaper and start looking for another woman..

All the while he was telling me he wanted to work things out get married etc.. but nothing would have ever changed and I was sick and tired of the screaming the fighting the arguing and the way my oldest 2 kids were treated by all of you. Then again when he was supposed to meet me when Storm and I were in the shelter who shows up to serve me papers again? Gee I believe it was you again.. he didn't show up and you got a little shock because Brandy went for me instead because we just figured that is what was going to happen again.

Your dad took my cell phone.. from me the one my mom had her name on the bill because your dad didn't have the credit for phones so I had talked my mom into doing it and he took it from me.. shut off the phone in the house to only local calls so I couldn't even call my work anymore much less my family and who paid the phone bills? I did.. and the cable bill and I bought and paid for all the groceries that came into that house and all the other necessities etc.. Your dad paid the rent and the light bill. I spent more on groceries per month then the rent was.. I still have all my check books from back then.. Yes, Brandy, you are right your mom is a hoarder :P :D :) lmao..

Your dad wanted to take the things from me that I personally had bought with my money.. we never had a joint account ever it was always his money or mine period he wanted no part of an us ever.. My stereo I bought and the speakers etc.. that was my stuff I bought and paid for it.. I didn't touch one thing or take one thing of his.. After we split up your brothers made our lives a living hell.. I wasn't the one that threw myself across the dining room and ended up with one hell of a concussion and ended up in the ER.. I wasn't the one that came in and knocked me off the couch that morning onto the floor with Storm sleeping with me. I remember all that stuff like it was yesterday.. and turning off the heat and the power and everything else after that.. and it was winter time.. so excuse me for living I guess... You guys were so quick to jump all over us after I left and be mean and nasty.. I tried to have an amiable break up and still have a relationship with all of you after but you all made the decision of how you wanted it all to be.

So I moved far away, I didn't feel like ending up in court every month and I had no family there but Brandy and well she moved out and went and lived with Jeannette after all the crap your dad did to her. And Cody couldn't stay in the shelter with me because of his age so I had to send my son back east to live with his grand-parents until I got all the court shit straightened out.. So yes I moved as far away from all of you and all the shit just as fast as I could. I wanted my kids back together where they belonged and with me...

I can't count how many times I was in the ER after I got here as well by ambulance because of the panic attacks I had from all I was going through and I went through.. What do you think it is like for a child to see an ambulance come and take your mom away and they are all saying bad things about your condition because the attacks are so bad?  Ask them sometime I am sure they can tell you.. The last time I had one it was so bad Cody was calling my mom and Brandy he thought for sure I was going to die. And you know what they are from? stress and BS in your life and my life has been packed and packaged fully with both.

Like I said when I wrote you back today.. The reasons you are giving me for not staying in contact with Storm are BS in my book.. I always stayed in contact with my kids when they were gone I called at least once a week.. most times way more then that.. so there is no excuse you can give me for not calling or staying in contact with him.. even your dad doesn't hardly call him.. and no he doesn't talk back much because well no one takes any interest in his life. so yeah talking to him will be hard at first until maybe you start to learn what he likes and what he doesn't and what his interests are.. because he never had a hard time talking to Cody or to Brandy ever.. You guys don't even call him on a holiday or his birthday.. how frigging insane is that for God's sake? I have him call to the cabin on Thanksgiving and on Christmas to talk to his grand parents and whomever might be there at the time.. it's never the other way around if I didn't have him call you guys wouldn't even talk to him then either.

Personally I really don't have a lot of good memories about my time in California.. The awesome thing that came out of my time there is Storm and that is it.. Cody never ever forgave me for the time when he had been doing something I don't even remember what anymore it was and your brothers came to me to complain yet again about what he was doing and that time I just told them to deal with it and your brothers stuck his head in the toilet.. Yeah he never ever ever ever ever got over that one.. Just before he left for Omaha I threw that in my face again.. so You know I really don't have much good to say anymore about there...

What I even say and do is not for me but for Storm, other then my mom and Brandy and her family he is the only person I care about and love and I will tell you how ever many times it takes for you guys to actually realize you have another brother.. if you all never realize it then oh well I tried I just hope and pray you all do realize it in your lifetimes.. He is the one that loses since apparently you all don't care and that to me is not right it's almost a Cody deja vu all over again with the other side of his family.. So far only Brandy has come out on top with her family on both sides and that is sad for my boys..

So if it took putting it on my wall for you to read then so be it because nothing else has ever worked that I can see!

The King Snake

Ok, so I was talking to Jess earlier and I thought today Cody, I would blog something about a memory from our days when we lived in California. Something good, funny and to make people smile when they read this!

You remember the King snakes we had when we lived with Larry, right? How I was always so adamant about the mice that were bought had to be boys and then only white ones because I didn't like white mice with beady red eyes? Colored mice were too cute in my book and I couldn't handle them being eaten....

Remember the one snake we had that Larry went and bought baby rats for because he swore up and down the snake was big enough to eat a baby rat? I had told him they were too big and the snake was too small to eat them and he went anyway and got them?  Who was right? Yep, it was me the rats killed the snake...

So he found another one and brought it home on one of his fishing trips to Lake Berryessa.  Well at least he learned on the first one and never tried the baby rats again. You boys would go with him to the pet store and pick out mice to feed it. Man you kids loved to watch it eat.. never could figure that one out..

But the one time I had gone to the pet store and picked up two white mice for it and brought them home and you boys watched when I dropped them into the tank for it.. and well it ate the one but the other one was still there and running around and the snake never ate it. Not that day or the next, or the next week, or even the next month.

That snake and that mouse lived together in that tank for months as housemates... It got to the point that we were worrying about the snake and that it should be eating it.. That mouse got so fat living in that tank with the snake and they even slept together.. Was like they got to be best buds there after a while.

Remember we went to the pet store and bought him another mouse? We dropped that one in there and boy that snake jumped on it so fast and ate it. But he just wouldn't eat the other one.. I don't remember now what we named it as it was so long ago but you boys even named that mouse.

So I went and got a habit-trail, remember? You all set up the habit-trail and put the mouse in there and I don't remember what happened but somehow it got broke or something and we had to put him back in with the snake? By that time we figured he must have forgotten he was his buddy and he did eat him?

This is just a memory I had about a time in our lives that we all can remember, those of us that were there and can remember it or share with those that never heard the story before.. I can still see you boys all around the tank watching the snake eat and how amazed you guys always were about it.. and about that mouse that lived with that snake for about 5 or 6 months and never got eaten until my mistake about getting him a habit trail to live in.

I love you and I miss you so much Cody, I wish I could share these memories with you in person but I cannot anymore so I will share them here with you and with others who care to read them. Sleep well my son - mom