Quarter of a Century

That is about as long as you were a part of my life - Some of them haven't even been on this earth that long yet.. In a couple more months you would have been 25 years old.

Am I ok? no, plain and simple I am not.. I look at all these pictures like I did yesterday giving them names not numbers.. I spent a lot of time yesterday watching that presentation over and over again and looking at all those pictures and reading all the comments etc.. Just really really got to me.. I sat on my big computer yesterday working on everything and you were here on my bed and every time I saw that urn I just wanted to scream how unfair it all was..

I see you in the pictures and that is how you are to me but yet I have this ugly urn here that is supposed to be you now and I just still can't believe it and don't want to believe it.. I cried so much last night and here I sit again today crying. I only eat something because I know I have to.. I get dizzy all the time.  I want to accomplish so much this summer but the joy isn't there anymore and I don't really feel like it..

Quarter of a Century you were a part of my life - I had you when I was 26 years old and I lost you at the age of 51.. You were what kept me alive when I had that terrible heat stroke when I worked for Gene and even the paramedics didn't think I would make it... All I had going through my mind the entire time was you how no one would know who to contact if something happened to me - I couldn't talk anymore I was so far gone. My mind wanted to go to sleep I remember that so clearly and all I kept thinking was how I had to stay conscious because we were living at that motel in the middle of the valley by where we were surveying all the farm land there.. and no one would know about Omi or anyone or who to call about you and what would happen to you if I lost consciousness. You kept me alive that day Cody it was all about you that my thoughts were consumed with and how I had to be ok for you.

Do you remember living there at the motel for 3 or 4 weeks at a time while I worked in the fields? You had so much fun there playing in the pool with the other kids there. And the girl that lived on the end upstairs used to babysit you for me while I worked? I would get home usually around 2 in the afternoon or so and we would hang out at the pool until it got dark. It was better then where we really lived sharing that house with that weird guy who was totally a whack job? Where all we could do that was just live in the bedroom the whole time.  You had little friends there as well, and you loved to ride your bike until it was stolen from us.. cut right off the chain.

Definitely interesting days of our lives then. But then any job was better then no job to support us.. Remember we didn't even have a bed to sleep on for the first month we lived there. I finally got one from the salvation army or some such place.   I applied at every cabinet shop within 50 miles of Walnut Creek and no one would hire me.. because they were all discriminatory about hiring a woman.. said I couldn't keep up with the boys, etc.. Then the one job I did finally get in one he fired me because I wouldn't date him too. Then good old Gene came into our lives and put me to work surveying but we had to move to the job sites because we would be there for weeks at a time.

Those sure were interesting days in our lives that is for sure.. Oh and then you got lice at school and that was a total nightmare.. Everyone tried to make me cut off all your hair and I refused to do it.. Oh and you so hated me going through your head constantly..

Got to love head checks at school that is how they spread them from kid to another more then kids getting them from each other.. because the stupid people don't change their gloves from child to child.. Even Storm has gotten them from their dumb ass head checks..

Yep I have the memories of a half my life with you and I don't know if I will be ok.. that is a long time to have someone in their life and to lose them and then try and go on.. I wouldn't / couldn't want to lose a husband or wife who I spent most of my life with.. I know just how much I am trying to hold now and it wasn't 40 or 50 years.. But you were a part of half of my life.. Storm and I have a good relationship but you know how he is .. quiet and doesn't say a whole lot and just likes to be alone all the time.. While you .. you would come in and bug me now and then come sit in here with me and talk or watch what I was watching or just come to tease or pick on me in your way.. and you loved to do that..

It was ok the way it was before you left but now that I know you aren't ever coming home again the way you were it isn't ok.. not ok to sit here all by myself day after day.. with all my thoughts going through my head and no way to get rid of them..

It's like I just got up a bit ago but all I want to do is go back to sleep again.. I know that supposedly God doesn't give us more to deal with then we can.. but I don't know if this time he just didn't do an overload on me. Well I think I am going to give in and actually lie down again.. I will add more to this post when I wake up..

I love you so much Cody and I miss you more and more every day - Sleep well my son - mom