California

You know that message you sent me today Elysia, dredged up so many memories for me all the years in California trying to make it a happy family life.. I tried my best to treat all 3 of you kids just like my own. Because I too lived in a blended family that wasn't a happy family life for me and I knew how it was for me all my years of growing up with 3 step-sisters always against me. Three against one my entire life up until I was about 20. I didn't want that for my kids or for you guys.. But Cody ended up just like I did always 3 against 1.

I can't count the amounts of arguments I had with your dad over the treatment of Cody. I always tried my best to keep everything fair between all you kids not show any favoritism to mine over you guys. How many years was I in counseling out there? years I did years of it there, you know what I talked about every monday when I went? it was all about the home life and what we were going through that is what I talked about for years.. and it didn't help... Drink, OMG it was insane for me, yep, I did. I didn't take any drugs for my Panic/anxiety disorder and wow look what happened when Brandy came out that one year.. I ended up in the ER in San Francisco.. Yep, I totally self-medicated I don't deny one iota of that.. Home life was horrible a lot of the time. Your dad always screaming and mad when he got home from work. Kids didn't do what he wanted etc. You OMG you were the princess.. you got stuff the boys didn't get because of his guilt feelings or whatever.. You were the one that got soda and special this or that not the boys, it was never fair for the boys ever in my book. I even argued about that.. I know about the night you went out and took Brandy with you and you were getting high and drinking and stuff.. Brandy never told on you. You always acted like you were such a good little girl but in reality it was way way different.. You couldn't do any wrong in your dad's book ever.. The boys got the blunt of that a lot.. And all the while it was still Cody who was left out in the cold and not accepted by any of you.

It really got down there when he was pulling light bulbs out of the back room that Brandy used as her bedroom because she would read and fall asleep with the light on and he went spastic over that.. But he never did shit like that to you.

Cody was the little kid that stands outside the window of the house and sees the loving family inside and wishes he could have that but never does.. Yep that is how it was for him. He was 7 years old for god's sake when your dad and I got together.. who can't love a little 7 year old child? I opened my heart up for all of you. But none of you did for him ever. And then you sort of wondered why he had such animosity for Storm when he was little? Because you all had no problem loving Storm when he came along but then he was your half-brother.. But then gee after you had Nicholas, guess what all that changed for you guys with Storm as well, your brothers stopped paying much attention to him after that.. it was all about your son then.. Yep, I remember all that real well.. even through my supposed drunken haze..

Cody was dissed by his dad and also by all of you.. You guys had no problem asking me to take you here there or where ever to run errands because your mom wouldn't / couldn't come do it and your dad was at work or where ever... I was always there for all of you guys. After years of taking it I finally decided I wanted out. I was going to be fair with the custody of Storm and split it 50/50 and any of you could have seen or had him whenever you wanted to.  But, Gee if memory again serves this drunk bitch right, it was you that came and served me papers from your dad one night.. He was already taking Storm with him to go see some woman he was seeing already.. that didn't take him any time to post an ad in the newspaper and start looking for another woman..

All the while he was telling me he wanted to work things out get married etc.. but nothing would have ever changed and I was sick and tired of the screaming the fighting the arguing and the way my oldest 2 kids were treated by all of you. Then again when he was supposed to meet me when Storm and I were in the shelter who shows up to serve me papers again? Gee I believe it was you again.. he didn't show up and you got a little shock because Brandy went for me instead because we just figured that is what was going to happen again.

Your dad took my cell phone.. from me the one my mom had her name on the bill because your dad didn't have the credit for phones so I had talked my mom into doing it and he took it from me.. shut off the phone in the house to only local calls so I couldn't even call my work anymore much less my family and who paid the phone bills? I did.. and the cable bill and I bought and paid for all the groceries that came into that house and all the other necessities etc.. Your dad paid the rent and the light bill. I spent more on groceries per month then the rent was.. I still have all my check books from back then.. Yes, Brandy, you are right your mom is a hoarder :P :D :) lmao..

Your dad wanted to take the things from me that I personally had bought with my money.. we never had a joint account ever it was always his money or mine period he wanted no part of an us ever.. My stereo I bought and the speakers etc.. that was my stuff I bought and paid for it.. I didn't touch one thing or take one thing of his.. After we split up your brothers made our lives a living hell.. I wasn't the one that threw myself across the dining room and ended up with one hell of a concussion and ended up in the ER.. I wasn't the one that came in and knocked me off the couch that morning onto the floor with Storm sleeping with me. I remember all that stuff like it was yesterday.. and turning off the heat and the power and everything else after that.. and it was winter time.. so excuse me for living I guess... You guys were so quick to jump all over us after I left and be mean and nasty.. I tried to have an amiable break up and still have a relationship with all of you after but you all made the decision of how you wanted it all to be.

So I moved far away, I didn't feel like ending up in court every month and I had no family there but Brandy and well she moved out and went and lived with Jeannette after all the crap your dad did to her. And Cody couldn't stay in the shelter with me because of his age so I had to send my son back east to live with his grand-parents until I got all the court shit straightened out.. So yes I moved as far away from all of you and all the shit just as fast as I could. I wanted my kids back together where they belonged and with me...

I can't count how many times I was in the ER after I got here as well by ambulance because of the panic attacks I had from all I was going through and I went through.. What do you think it is like for a child to see an ambulance come and take your mom away and they are all saying bad things about your condition because the attacks are so bad?  Ask them sometime I am sure they can tell you.. The last time I had one it was so bad Cody was calling my mom and Brandy he thought for sure I was going to die. And you know what they are from? stress and BS in your life and my life has been packed and packaged fully with both.

Like I said when I wrote you back today.. The reasons you are giving me for not staying in contact with Storm are BS in my book.. I always stayed in contact with my kids when they were gone I called at least once a week.. most times way more then that.. so there is no excuse you can give me for not calling or staying in contact with him.. even your dad doesn't hardly call him.. and no he doesn't talk back much because well no one takes any interest in his life. so yeah talking to him will be hard at first until maybe you start to learn what he likes and what he doesn't and what his interests are.. because he never had a hard time talking to Cody or to Brandy ever.. You guys don't even call him on a holiday or his birthday.. how frigging insane is that for God's sake? I have him call to the cabin on Thanksgiving and on Christmas to talk to his grand parents and whomever might be there at the time.. it's never the other way around if I didn't have him call you guys wouldn't even talk to him then either.

Personally I really don't have a lot of good memories about my time in California.. The awesome thing that came out of my time there is Storm and that is it.. Cody never ever forgave me for the time when he had been doing something I don't even remember what anymore it was and your brothers came to me to complain yet again about what he was doing and that time I just told them to deal with it and your brothers stuck his head in the toilet.. Yeah he never ever ever ever ever got over that one.. Just before he left for Omaha I threw that in my face again.. so You know I really don't have much good to say anymore about there...

What I even say and do is not for me but for Storm, other then my mom and Brandy and her family he is the only person I care about and love and I will tell you how ever many times it takes for you guys to actually realize you have another brother.. if you all never realize it then oh well I tried I just hope and pray you all do realize it in your lifetimes.. He is the one that loses since apparently you all don't care and that to me is not right it's almost a Cody deja vu all over again with the other side of his family.. So far only Brandy has come out on top with her family on both sides and that is sad for my boys..

So if it took putting it on my wall for you to read then so be it because nothing else has ever worked that I can see!