Some Days

I woke up this morning early again didn't get much sleep. Omi was up had to let the dogs each out without letting them get close to each other.. Omi asked me if I was going to be ok and well I said yes as usual..

She had told me she had brought cards from friends that they had sent her and I sat here reading them.  And after reading them I just started to cry and everything just comes flooding back all over me.. and I just can't stop. It is days like this that I just don't know if I can ever get over or beyond this..

 It's 8 in the morning and I mopped the kitchen floor already because Mojo and China knocked over the water dish last night and then wrestled all over the kitchen and it was muddy as heck.. So I have accomplished something today.. But now I just want to sit here and do absolutely nothing. Now I am just going to play "Born Free" over and over because that is the mood I am in right now. Somehow that song does in a way give me some comfort thinking about you and your life and all the challenges you faced. And how big of a heart you had and just how you became as a young man.

Some days, it is just unbearable like today.. nights are really bad for me because then my mind just works and works and works.. But you know how nights were for me all the time.. you used to tell me "Mom you worry too much".. moms are supposed to..

I know we are supposed to think no regrets.. but I have a lot of them.. How I should have walked after Storm was born and maybe should have tried to be a family with you know who I am talking about.. But, no I stuck it out with Larry because I felt I should give him a chance and his family a chance and have Storm grow up with his real dad and his other sister and brothers.. But in the long run that was the wrong choice for you.

He hadn't wanted us anymore after I got pregnant with Storm anyway.. It was only because I told him I didn't get that way all alone and I lost my job and I was damned if I was going to live on the street.. How it took him over 2 months to even hold Storm after he was born.. He ignored him to the point where his own kids were asking if he was ever going to have anything to do with him or hold him. I will never forget the day he took me for my ultrasound and they said for sure Storm was a boy - although just like each of you when I was pregnant I always knew what you were before you were born, and he said another damned boy and walked out of the room.

You were little still 9 at that time so you probably remember but I don't think you thought much about that like I did since you, little poor you were having to deal with your own crap from all the rest of them too.

Then I regret staying here and not moving down to Florida instead back to where mom was.. I knew why you wanted to stay here because of Pa and Granny, and I am grateful for the time you had with Granny before she passed away.. But really it wasn't good for you because they gave you what you wanted above my objections and then in turn used to bitch at me all the time because of what you did, but you did what you did because they let you and wouldn't do what I asked.

I regret that I let you go to Omaha, that I didn't try and talk you out of it because I knew it would end up just like it did in Hawaii when you went there to meet and be with that girl.. and sure enough the Omaha thing didn't even last the weekend when you got there.. I know you and I were having a lot of issues about you and your lifestyle at the time and I really wanted you to grow up and become responsible but I still really regret I let you go.

Maybe you wouldn't have been hanging out with kids 5 and 6 years younger then you and more with kids your own age like you did here.. Not feel you had things to prove to them because you were older then they were I don't know what was going through your head anymore there at the last before your accident..

I regret I stayed with your dad as long as I did, I regret I didn't marry that man I was dating when I was pregnant with you although he was 20 years older then I was and Omi hated him at first.. Maybe life for you would have been so much different if I would have made such different choice..

I regret I ever went back with your dad after I met Randy, and he asked me to marry him.. He would have been an awesome dad . I regret so many of the choices I made but when I made the choices I thought they were the right choices at the time and my expectations were always high that things would work out. That life had to be better then it was..

It is like the saying the pasture is always greener on the other side.. Remember when I went to Canada to meet my sperm donor dad when I was 30 after I had my surgery? How I learned that the grass isn't and what you thought and what reality are is totally two different things?  That all the preconceived ideas you had growing up are just that and that what you thought was really not what it is.. How I would never have lived with him and his "new" family but would have been raised by my grandparents if Omi wouldn't have taken me with her? How after 30 years they still tried to trash Omi and talked bad about her? When in reality he was the one that was in the wrong?

But that never let me stop me in trying to make good things out of bad things? and you are so much like me. Although for me I worry a lot even about little things and for some reason can't stop and my mind is always working like the counselor told me - monkey brain?

You watched me struggle all your life - when I went back to college and I still had to come home and make dinner for everyone before I could go to class, because Larry wouldn't cook and said it was my responsibility.. And I think that made you strong in yourself, watching so much of what I went through and then going through all the things you did as well.

But days like today - as I think about all this I just can't get my regrets out of my head and just think that if just one thing I had done differently you would still be here with me and some of your choices in life would have been so much different. Maybe instead of always looking for love and acceptance you would have learned what a real relationship is between 2 people.

I remember that time in the kitchen, before you went to Hawaii I heard you on the phone with that girl that lived there and you hadn't known her but a few weeks and you were telling her how much you loved her.. I told you, you have no idea what love is, Cody you really didn't, you only knew what my love was like but love you craved from your dad and never received or other members of your family left you lacking in the real understanding of it.. You were loved by Sissy and Storm but those are different kinds of love as well. Kelli loved you and I know how much you loved her and that was love.. but for some reason you pushed that one away and then when you realized what you did lose it was too late at that time..

I regret I never was able to find someone in my life that would have been helpful in your life and given you what you so much needed, a father figure, someone to talk to and to relate to you and to help you adjust to becoming a man. To have been there for you and helped you. Someone you could have gone to for advice and guidance. Someone who loved to spend time with you and do things with you that you so much deserved.

Storm doesn't have that either but, he hasn't ever had to go through all you have gone through.. He had you, that he talked to and discussed things with and learned from.. but that is different as well. I did learn from and with you, because it made me realize the negative impact the wrong man in my life had on yours and so have not done it again to this day..

I am glad I made that choice - it gave me time with you, time I wouldn't have had otherwise if there would have been another person to have to live with and deal with in our house all these years or in our life. You might have actually have left like Sissy did when she came out to CA and lived with us and got pretty much chased out of the home not long after moving out there.

But it is still days like today that mind is working in overdrive and I can't stop all the thoughts and all the feelings that are running rampant inside of me and the pain I am feeling for all the days of your life that you did have to live with the things you did because of my choices.. the regrets.. the what if's etc.. I know I shouldn't because you wouldn't want me to .. but I just can't help these thoughts..

This is for you Cody:

Fast, on a rough road riding
High, through the mountains climbing
twisting, turning further from my home.
Fierce, through the rain and lightning
Wandering out into this great unknown - - Going to Omaha, leaving your home so far behind. Starting a new chapter in your life. All the times you left home before and tried to make it on your own.

And I don't want no one to cry.
But, tell 'em if I don't survive - - You wouldn't want us to be sad about what has happened to you.
I was born free!
I was born free
I was born free, born free - - Means your independence, your way of doing things on your own, not letting others dictate to you or talk you into anything - How you did things in your time and after you hashed it out within yourself.

Free, like a river raging
Strong as the wind I'm facing.
Chasing dreams and racing father time.
Deep like the grandest canyon,
Wild like an untamed stallion
If you can't see my heart you must be blind.
You can knock me down and watch me bleed
But you can't keep no chains on me - - How you were in life, you never let anything keep you down no matter what the challenge was or how much it hurt you. You always came back from it with a happy heart and a smile and a laugh.

I was born free
I was born free
I was born free, born free.

And I'm not good at long goodbyes
But look down deep into my eyes
I was born free. - - you never were good at saying goodbye but always looked forward to that next adventure. I always knew you would do it your way on your terms and in your time.. If you were meant to stay gone you would and if you were meant to come back home then you did every time.

Calm, facing danger
Lost, like and unknown stranger
Grateful for my time with no regrets - - You faced so much in your life and you never complained about any of it and I am praying you had no regrets.

Close to my destination
Tired, frail and aching
Waiting patiently for the sun to set - - You always had hope in your heart and yet I know how much it all effected you. You did wait patiently for some aspects to hopefully work out the way you always dreamed of.

And when it's done, believe that I
will yell it from that mountain high
I was born free
I was born free
I was born free, born free - - I believe if you were here now and could tell us that this is just what you would do yell it at the top of your lungs from the highest mountain, you were happy and you lived the way you wanted to.

I will bow to the shining sea
And celebrate God's grace on thee - you would want each and every one of us to be happy and know you loved us and that you knew we loved you.

Cody I love you so much and I can't even tell you how much I miss you - Sleep well my son - mom