5-17-2014

Cody,

I have so much to tell you and I know I haven't written you in so long.

Storm is getting ready to graduate high school this coming week. I know you would have loved to have been here to see it. I wish your sister was going to come but I have not heard from her in a long time either now.

I don't know what is going on with her and she isn't sharing either. I have written her a few emails but only heard back on one of them and then it was only to try and send me pictures on my phone. They of course couldn't come through because media is not working on the phone.

I sent her a "Happy Mother's Day" text, phone vm and also on her FB but never heard from her all day long.

The first two years after you left us she called me every single day or I would call her. Last spring the phone calls just dribbled off and now I hardly hear from her at all. The last time I actually spoke to her was on that day, your leaving us and Loralei's birthday. I have not spoken to her since then. I worry about her and wonder what is going on with her. She isn't talking though and not telling me anything.

I am watching a movie tonight that is bringing my losses so much to the forefront right now. The loss of your older brother and your loss. I am trying so hard these days to learn how to deal with the emotions that I have let be kept from me for the past 3 years. I quit taking the anti depressant I have been taking for the past 3 years. Now my emotions run rampant again and the tears come so easily with just a thought or an action or a simple memory.

I still miss you each and every single day. There has been no relief in the pain I feel or the cold hard fact you are no longer here for me to speak to or hug or anything that I would normally do with you. I look at the pictures and the memories are all I have anymore. The future memories I would have liked to have had or the future relationship with you were all so harshly taken away and ripped from us both that fateful night.

Unfortunately as you know I don't believe in anything other than what we were both taught so trying and searching form some spirit reader or medium is totally out of the question. I just have to go on faith that some day I will see you again and be able to hug you and tell you I love you once again.

So much has happened this past year I wish you could know about. You would have been right by my side in how Larry has been since Storm turned 18. How much of an ass he has turned into after all the years of letting him slide on not paying and listening to his poor me and how broke he is. His marriage to that green card hungry bitch and how much of a total change of heart he has had after it and how "Karma" will find him eventually.

You would be here for your brother and give him grief over the things he has been doing, Or Not I am sure since you probably would have said good for him. I just so wish you were here, Cody. You would be more grown up now with a few more lessons under your belt. Be a dad for you own son.

I am sure you would be back here living with me.

Wonder Where Everyone Went!

Cody,

I am thinking about you a whole lot today. I watched March 11 come and go.. and I read your page on Facebook and there was hardly anyone that even recognized that it was the day that you left us all.

I have watched so many get on with their lives and move on from losing you. All the ones that stated to me that they would never ever forget about you... But....

I keep you beside me every day.. I think about you each and every day.. I think about you every day.. I will never ever forget about you as long as there is a breath in my body. You are in the mind of Brandy and Storm every day. There is not a day we don't wish you were here with us still.

So soon those forget you were here. That they don't think about you anymore. Their lives have progressed on and you are no longer a part of their lives because you are not here anymore.

The promises made by some have never been honored and never will be. That is what is so upsetting and so discouraging to me. Part of you has come home to me but important belongings to you have never made it here.

I know in my heart I will see you again someday, I look forward to that day when I can tell you again how much I love you and how much I have missed you in my life all these years. I am sorry that your presence on this earth has not effected others in the same way it effects me each and every day!

Everything in this house reminds me constantly of you. Mojo, China, Luna, Aria, Aireagon, Mozi, even Midnight does. I can't look at Dinky or Oreo without you entering my mind. The rooms and the entire house brings you to me. Sometimes the overload of thoughts is almost so overwhelming to me.

I miss the sound of your voice, the phone calls even the arguments we had. I realize because I am your mother it impacts me a whole lot more than it does anyone else the loss of you here on earth. There is not anything I wouldn't do to have you back.

I try and hide my feelings from Storm and from Brandy and to not let them know how badly this effects me daily. How much I really miss you and how hard it is for me each and every day to act like I am OK. How much it impacts me.

I do my best each and every day to blame no one for what happened that night. But, that is so hard some days. Unless someone has been where I am today they really don't realize the impact of it all and how much it impacts us all. How much your loss means to us. How painful it is and how hard it is to go on each and every day.

So much has happened in the 2 years since you have been gone. I only wish each and every day you would have been a part of it all. A part of Takoda's life and Loralei's life and Storm's and Brandy's lives as well.

The loss of you has left big empty holes in all of us. Especially in my life. I look at pictures and remember all the various times in your life with a huge loss because there will never be anymore memories of you for me ever.

But now I just wonder where all those have gone that said they would never forget about you and would remember you always. This year on your wall hardly anyone even posted a thing. Even most of your family on the James side said a word. Where was your cousin Megan that you were so insisting you be a part of her life.. Where was Aunt Vicky or Uncle Eddie? Or even Jasmine and the rest that you always made sure to go see when they were in the TN area?

I just don't get it sometimes... Sissy, Storm and I will never ever forget about you and how much we miss you every day we are here on this earth.

I love you Cody and not a day goes by I don't think about you, or miss you or wish you were here with us.

Sleep well my son - Mom

2 years nowCo

Cody,

It has been 2 years now. I don't feel any different today then I did that night. I still miss you and wish that it never happened.


I haven't looked beyond that day. I remember all the good days and even the bad we had. I remember the jokes and the funny times. I can still see your face when said things and made remarks that I won't even mention. I miss those days and those smiles and the look on your face. I wish I could turn the clock back and get you back in my life.

I wish I would have called you that day. I wish I could have spoken to you that Friday before your accident. I miss having you in my life and I know Brandy and Storm do as well. I am having such a hard time on this day of missing you. The memories are too hard to handle sometimes.

I quit smoking but yet today I am because I miss you so much and needed to have a beer. I am not doing the memory of you very much honor today because of that. I am sorry Cody. It has been 2 weeks now and I am not doing any better.

I have your urn in my bed again because I need you close to me. I miss you so much Cody and I wish you were here with us. I still hope to hear from you to receive a call on my phone from you. I am having such a hard time realizing you are no longer here with me.

I have all thee memories of you and some are good and some are bad but yet I see the smile on your face and the jokes you played. I wish you would come home and make it all seem like a really bad dream.

Luna is still here waiting on you to come home and be her master again and her to be your chow. She loves you and misses you. If only I could go back in time and talk to you and get you to make a different choice that night.

None of them are here for you now. None of them remember you now. None of them care about that night anymore and what it cost. All of them have gone on with their lives and you a just a fading memory of that night. But I remember, I will always remember because that is the night I lost you. You can never be replaced. You were a one of a kind Cody. You were my SON and I will love you until the day I am gone. Storm and Brandy will LOVE you for all the days of their life as well.

Most of them have moved on and you are just someone they knew and that has left this earth. I love you forever Cody, you were my son, you were my light, you were one of my heartstrings, and I miss you I will always miss you for as long as I live! Sleep well my son - mom

December 24, 2012

Cody,

I know it has been quite some time since I wrote on here. It isn't that I don't think about it or that I don't want to sometimes. I still have a hard time with this. A lot of things and memories make me really sad and upset me terribly.

Luna had 5 puppies on the 20th 1 boy and 4 girls all of them are black. I know you would have loved to have been here for this and a part of watching them grow up.

It has been a really bad day for me today and for the past 4 days. I have cried and grieved repeatedly these past days. I still feel sometimes that this is all still a very bad dream and sometime maybe I will wake up from it only that hasn't happened.

Today was a really bad day for me. I saw where Larry's wife removed you from his friend and totally blocked you from anything pertaining to them.

I got on Storm's facebook and found out why. She is slowly but surely making sure that we are all totally alienated from anything to do with him anymore. I am waiting now for to block Stormie as well. I am sure that will be her next move.

He hasn't bothered in the last 2 years to send your brother anything for his birthday or Christmas and this year there is no exception to the fact.

I used the last of the money left form your car to pay a good part of Storm's first vehicle but we got screwed on that and lost it and didn't recoup the money from the purchase of it. I got Larry to send money to replace the truck with another one and I still had to add money to it in order to purchase it.

Omi helped to get it put on the road, she bought a set a tires for it and registered it and put insurance on it something I couldn't get him to do.

Granted he has been paying the bills for a while but that is nothing he shouldn't be doing anyway in lieu of paying child support anyway. Which I have never pushed or asked for in the past 12 years as it is because of the fact he was having to pay for the kid that isn't his anyway and getting docked 2 grand a month to pay her. As you know I have always felt sorry for him about that and never made a big deal over what he should have been paying me all these years.

Now that he got married to someone he only knew a few months he seems to be able to have the money to take her all over the place constantly buying things for her and every month it is another anniversary for them.  In lieu of getting your brother anything for his birthday and Christmas this year again. It seems it is more important to take her to Reno and the casino's etc instead for Christmas than to even make sure he sent anything to Storm even it was only a check for $1.00. Back in August and again now for Christmas.

Storm and I looked up to even see if he had called him on his birthday and we finally found it in the past bills. He managed to call past 8pm that night and then only talked to him for a whopping 3 minutes. There hasn't been any other phone calls to him since them much less any calls to him prior.

When he first married her and I got on him for not telling Stormie about it he tried to put him in the middle between me and him which was totally out of line and I told him so.

Yes she unfriended me a long time ago when I said I didn't respect anyone that didn't even bother to meet his kids first before she married him. And they all had to find out over FaceBook that he did. Even Storm. He didn't have the decency to tell him first he had to find it out via FB and by me showing it to him. She has now also unfriended you, you who are not even here and no one posts on his page in our family regarding all the feelings regarding all that is going on.

I have no respect for her whatsoever. I have also lost my respect of what I had left for him as well. He is really starting to remind me so much of your dad now. Storm has lost his respect for him as well and doesn't even want to talk to him anymore. I wish you were around to talk to him and to help him through this. My heart breaks for him just like it broke for you all those years of dealing with your dad and how upset and miserable he made you in his treatment of you. How much you wanted to be loved and be acknowledged and get to know him as a person and as a dad.

Now it is all about him and his wife and not about his kids anymore. Here he should be so proud of Storm and all his accomplishments and how hard he works to stay in Honor Academy and to keep up his grades. He is having a really hard time now and emotionally I know it is really taking a toll on him even though he always tries to act like it doesn't bother him. He tries to be such a tough cookie through it all. He never even wants me to put up any Christmas decorations anymore and hasn't for a few years now. He says he just doesn't care about it and as far as he is concerned it is just any other day. I know mostly it is because he never wants me to spend the money for anything as money is so tight for us all the time.

Anytime I ask him if he wants to do something or spend time with his friends it's always mom you don't have the money and what money you have we need to save it for stuff we need instead. Even for the gas for his truck.

I wish you were here so much to spend time with him and do things with him and give him more to look forward to other than to just sit at home. We had a conversation tonight about me telling him he really should get out some and spend time with his friends other than just staying home all the time and just sitting in his room on the computer. He told me mom we don't have the money for me to go places and pay for the gas. Besides that he said you never go anywhere and do anything either. I told him he needs to go out and find himself another nice girlfriend after what happened between him and Shannon. Find out where kids his age hang out and meet another nice girl. He was like well you don't do it - I said well I am old and fat lol not worth it to me and I am pretty set in my ways now and after all the jerks in my life over the years I don't think I could even find a decent guy anymore anyway.

I have Storm and Sissy in my life and Omi and Aunt Arleen and I talk now again, Sheila, Beverlee's mom and I have become good friends as well. She has really become a great friend and we talk about you and Bev and Takoda. She wishes she could have gotten to know you better and feels bad about the relationship she had with you. She realizes that you were a good kid in the long run. That is pretty much all I need anymore. I have the dogs, the cats and the chickens to take up my time along with always working on things here at the house.

We all miss you and really wish life would have taken a different turn where you were concerned and that you would have been spared.

I did a real no no tonight as well I broke down and bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked them. It has been over 10 months and I guess I should not have let my emotions and my anger and the trauma of it all get to me as bad as it did. My nerves and my depression and anxiety were at a total peak today and no matter how hard I tried to tonight I couldn't shake it. Of course Storm wasn't happy about it either but at least he didn't give me grief over it.

Sissy is my rock and Storm tries and he backs me and doesn't judge me either. I love all of you so much and wouldn't know what to do if I lost either of them as well as my loss of you. Sometimes at night I wonder what it would be like to just not wake up tomorrow. I know I would miss all the things I still want to experience with all of them, especially Loralei and Takoda. I want to be able to watch them grow and be a part of their lives as well. I wish you here for all of us and a part of our lives still and our rock as well in your own way.

I don't know if things will ever get better for me and I can ever come to some reconciliation over your loss. I so far have not been able to that. Especially when Storm is going through so much himself and always keeps his chin up and tries to act like nothing bothers him when in reality I know it does but he keeps it all to himself.

You know how worried I was about some guy coming into my life that would treat him like Larry treated you or to have another man come into my life that treated either one of you like he treated you. But yet now it is the other way around it is his step-mother going out of her way to do it to him. And Larry doesn't stand up for him and make sure that he is still a priority in his life. Keep in contact with him or tell him how proud he is of him or his accomplishments. Or proud he is his son. All I get are excuses about how he doesn't know what to talk to about him so why even bother to contact him or even call him anymore.

I feel I have let all of you down not just you, and Storm but also Brandy regarding how her dad is about staying in contact with her anymore either. Life is so short and it can end in a split second and all the wasted days or time when you could have called and just said I love you. What a waste.

I know you will never read any of this or even see it but I feel that this is something I would have said to you if you were here to listen. If I could talk to you again like we used to. Yes I was hard on you at times but I did it because I loved you and I only wanted the best for you and to be the best I know you could be. You did have a heart of gold although sometimes you really did screw up and hurt people without thinking about the consequences of your actions but I also know it wasn't on purpose to cause or inflict pain on those you loved.

I really wish you were here because I miss you terribly and miss our conversations good or bad. I love you with all my heart because you are my son and I wanted you right from the start. I never gave up on you even though I think you thought I did sometimes.

I love you so very very much and think about you ever day many times. I miss you with ever part of me and I always will. Sleep well my son - mom

The 1st Year

Cody, the pain is as fresh today as it was a year ago tonight for me. I still can't understand why it had to be you who left us. I think about you each and every day. You are never far from me in my thoughts and in my heart.

Some nights I just sit here on my bed and cry not understanding why I had to lose you. Why we all had to lose you. You loved deeply and freely in your life and you were a joy to be around (most of the time) lol. You made a difference in so many lives and touched so many people so I don't know why it was that you had to leave.

All the milestones for Storm that you are not a part of hurt me deeply. I wish so much you were here for him. You could see how much he has accomplished and how he is doing. I know Sissy misses you a whole lot as well. I wish you could be around for Loralei and for Takoda.

Sometimes I see or read something and it just gets to me so bad. The anguish I feel in my heart because you are not here is unbearable sometimes. I gave up trying to call or talk about it anymore I just keep it all to myself these days. As I sit here now with tears running down my face and pain in my heart I just miss you so much and wish you here with us still.

The hardest thing is trying to talk normal when you are crying and upset. But I have been getting pretty good at that lately. Other than today being Loralei's birthday this is not a very good day for me.

Today is your day and you are in a lot of hearts and minds today. Lots of your friends are thinking about you today. You are loved and missed by so many.

Storm and I planted a Pear Tree by the house today. It will be another reminder of you in the years to come. I love you so much Cody, I wish you were here with us all and not gone. Sleep well my son - mom

A Year Ago Tonight I Talked to You Last

It's been a year ago tonight since the last time I heard you tell me you love me and you miss me. I really miss you Cody. I still feel it is all so surreal and that you are just on some long vacation somewhere or where you can't call right now.

My birthday has come and gone again. Last year you wanted to be here for my birthday but you didn't make it. It seems like yesterday you and I were talking about that and you were asking if you could bring your spider and your lizard with you when you came. Just like it seems like yesterday that you and I talked and I 3-wayed to Omi so she could talk to you. It doesn't seem like a year has passed but yet it has. I do so miss you Cody and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you in some way or another.

Tomorrow we bring Storm's truck home. Yes, I said a truck.. funny huh? No he didn't want a truck but it is a really good one and I will feel a bit better that he is in a truck then in some little car instead when he drives around. The money we had left of yours has helped to pay for it and I know you would be happy with that. I payed for the rest of it. Now he just needs to get his regular driver license.

It was friday night this time last year actually that I got that phone call from Jessica. It changed my entire life. My life will never be the same ever again. I talk a lot about you to other people. You are still part of my life even though you aren't here with me anymore other than in my memories.

We have some more baby chicks and I remember how crazy you were about the ones we had before you left. I know how much you would enjoy being here with us and being around all the new animals. You always loved animals as much as I do.

You would also be happy to know that I quit smoking as well. I want you to know that I did that for you as much as for myself and Storm. I still love to smoke and I miss it but after your accident I wanted to do something myself just with you in mind. You hated me smoking so much and always made such a bit issue out if it when I was around you. Times when I really want one I just think of you.

I love you so much Cody and I miss you, miss you, miss you!! I wish I could just rewind the clock to this day a year ago. You are in my heart and in my mind and in my life forever. Sleep well my son - mom.

After The New Year

Cody, 

I was looking at the picture of you and Storm when you on Joan's couch holding Mojo and I see the happiness in both of your faces and the love you both have for each other. This has been the most horrid holiday season of my entire life. 

Starting with Thanksgiving then moving on to Christmas and the New Year. I missed you so much during all that time. Not to mention that China had her puppies and I know you would have just been so stoked about that as well. I have missed you every day so much all this time and I still miss you so much each day. 

I miss our relationship we had even though we don't always get along but we so understood each other. You are so much a part of my life and so vital to me. Just like Sissy and Storm both are. I want our conversations back, our arguments and everything. 

I cry for you and I mourn the fact you are no longer a part of my life each and every day. I loved you before you were even you. I endured so much to even make sure you got to be you. I sometimes cannot even believe that I endured all I did to bring you into this world just to have you leave it so soon, 

I have given up on the hotlines and no longer call them and I just endure the feelings that I have all by myself. I love you so much and I miss you Cody more than I can ever even describe to you. Sometimes I just want to die myself and see where that lands me in the hereafter. If I would be with you or if I would be sleeping like I believe you are. 

I miss the bond we shared. No matter how we were with each other we did have a bond with one another. I miss that Cody, more than I can say. I miss you and I miss your phone calls and your texts and the pictures you would send me. 

I pray some day I will see you again and get to hold you and hug you and tell you how much I love you. Just know that each and every day I think of you and I cry for missing you and wishing you were still here with us. I regret the day I let you go and said good-bye to you. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for not having you come home after things didn't work out for you there. 

I love you so DAMN much and I miss you so DAMN much Cody. Sleep well my son - mom

Today is Christmas 2011

Cody,

Today is the first time ever in 25 years I have not been able to wish you a Merry Christmas and tell you I love you. I have so missed the sound of your voice these past nine months. Those all hours phone calls you used to make to me just to talk or see what I was doing.

Even though you could really get me so po'd at you sometimes, I miss knowing you are in the room right next to mine. I miss the way you could make me laugh no matter how mad or upset I was at you. I even miss going into the kitchen to cut a piece of french bread and it is all gone because you ate it all on me.

I am sitting here this morning just crying my eyes out because I miss you so badly. I know I won't get to hear or see you today and it tears me up inside. People say life goes on, but for some of us it stalemates on us and yes part of us goes on but part of us doesn't.

These past few weeks with these puppies really drives home that you are not here. I know how much you would have loved to have been around for them. How much you would have spoiled them just like I do. How much love you would have given to them. You would have spent time watching them playing like I do and get such a kick out of it. Stormie really doesn't have an interest in them like you and I do. He can pretty much take them or leave them and most of the time it is leave them.

Omi just called to wish us a Merry Christmas and it is so hard to not let her hear that I am crying. I hate having to answer a lot of questions or hear all kinds of religious stuff from her about what has happened to you.  Everything stays so bottled up for me most of the time about my feelings and how hard it is to handle that you are gone. I wish so hard you were still here with us but no matter how hard I want it to happen I know it never will and that you are gone from life as it is now forever.

I can't say as I am mad at you but I wish you would have listened to me all those times I talked to you about your driving. I never dreamed it would be me one day mourning the loss of you and hurting so much because you weren't here in my life anymore like you used to be. Mothers are not supposed to have to say good-bye to their children, it is supposed to be the other way around. I still wish this was just some horrid dream I needed to wake up from and it all wouldn't be true and you would still be here with us.

It will never get any easier for me, just maybe one day I won't cry as hard anymore. I love you so much Cody, and the hole in my heart doesn't get any smaller or hurt any less. Sleep well my son - mom

It's Almost Christmas

It has been a little over 9 months now. Sissy called me and told me how she broke down the other night and cried so hard. Chris came and comforted her even though she tried so hard to hide it. I can understand that. I try hard myself to hide how I feel and to keep all the feelings to myself and not make Sissy, Storm or Omi really see how much all this is effecting me.

We are both really mad at you and I don't think we will ever get over that feeling. Because you have deprived us of you!  I know it was not on purpose on your part but you never learned to listen and because of that you left us in this world.

Each day that I see things and do things and have the ability to witness all the things you would so love to be able to be a part of. Each day as I watch China's puppies grow a bit more and see all the cute little things they do I miss you so much because I know how much you would have wanted to be a part of all that.

I still feel an overwhelming grief where you are concerned and I think about you each and every day. There is a huge hollow spot in my life that cannot ever be filled. Other people their lives go on, and yes, so does mine, but mine is still stuck where you are concerned. I don't think I will ever come to terms with what happened to you and that you are no longer with me in my life.

I have dreamed about you twice since your accident and neither one was a comfort to me. Parents are not supposed to love one child more than another one. I don't love any one of you more than the other but I love you all in different ways if that makes sense at all. I had such a hard time bringing you into this world and then almost losing you in the pool on dad's birthday. You were special to me in your own way. Just like Brandy is special in her way because I lost her older brother to SIDS. And her being a girl and making my fears of losing her in the same way a little easier. Storm is special in his way because he came along after being told I could not have any more children. But I don't love any of you less than the other one. You are each special to me in your own way.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't hurt and don't miss you. I try to be brave and to not let my feelings interfere with life and to upset Storm and Sissy. It is so hard for me to put on this brave face and try and act like things are OK when they really are not.

I need to stay strong for Storm and I am sure you can understand that. I need to make sure he still has a normal life and can be the best he can and do all the all things that he is destined for. I want so much for you to still be here for him. He loves you so much and looked up to you as well for how smart you are.

I miss you so much and never doubt how much I love you. No matter how many times we argued and you didn't think I did. You were special to me and you always will be.  I miss you so much every day and as live each day and am able to watch life I see how much you would have wanted to be a part of all of it. Someday I will be all alone with no one here with me anymore. But I carry you in my heart each and every day.

I love you so much Cody, and I miss you oh so very much - sleep well my son - mom

Almost 9 Months - 9 Months since I talked to you last!

It's been almost 9 months since you left. Actually today is 9 months since I talked to you last. I miss the hell out of you Cody. So much has happened in the last 9 months and so much you would have wanted to be apart of. I miss you in my life, and I miss that you are not a part of Storm's life anymore. I know Sissy misses you so much as well.

Our lives are incomplete anymore because you are not a part of them. We can't talk to you and can't call you and tell you all the little milestones in our lives that are happening. I know you would have wanted to be a part of Takoda's life and spend time with him and get to know your son. I know Beverlee wanted you to be a part of his life and get to know him. I don't get to see him much so I am missing out a lot of his growing up. Even Stormie enjoys being around him when he gets the chance.

When Stormie and I rescued the kittens I know you would have loved that one. Now that China has her puppies I can only imagine the thrill you would have had over that. As they grow bigger each day and do more running around I can only see you here and know you would have already picked one out. You would have taken it and started loving all over it and named it and started to love it. You would have told me how that is yours and nothing I could have said would have changed your mind about it.

I miss seeing you and talking to you and hearing your voice and I even miss all those arguments we had.  I still watch the DVD a lot and think about you. I have memories, yes I do, but that isn't like you actually being here with me anymore. I read things and they make me cry and miss you more. The finality of it all is just so devastating to me. The fact that I wasn't there for you and I couldn't tell you goodbye and hug you close and tell you how much I love you.

We had our ups and downs you and I but my love never faltered in how much I loved you, and how much you meant to me in my life. We both said things now and then that we didn't really mean to make the other hurt as much as we were hurting each other. I tried lots of times to talk to you and tell you how much you meant to me and how much I loved you and how much you were wanted by me. I think sometimes you didn't actually believe that. I was so proud of you and how much you accomplished and I told you that.

I miss you so much in my life. There is this big empty hole in part of my life with the loss of you.  I still have Sissy and Stormie and I love them even more now because you are gone. I know how fleeting time can be and much an instant in your life can change everything for you. I appreciate all the time Sissy spends talking to me each day and some days if not for that I don't think I could make it through the day.

Even Stormie comes and talks to me a bit more some days then he normally would. The last time I talked to you I didn't get to talk to you very long because I conferenced Omi into the call. After you got done talking to her you and I also hung up. I wish we would have talked longer that night. 13 minutes total wasn't long enough. If I would have known that was the last time I would ever talk to you. I would have told you so many things.

There isn't a day that goes by I don't think of you or think of something about you.  I loved you so much, you were my putter-head and will always be that for me. My heart aches for the loss of you and the missing of you and the fact you are gone. Thanksgiving was a duel devastation for me this year. I was not only missing you but remembering that was the day 33 years ago that I said good-bye to your brother Dale as well.

I try and look at each new day and try and find something good about it. I have a hard time doing it. I watch the puppies get bigger each day and I know the joy you would have found in it. I try and think about that but I have a hard time really hanging onto that thought. I think sometimes it makes me miss you even more because you are not here to share all this with me. I know the joy you would have found in it and how you would have reacted to it all. I am saddened by the fact you are not here to enjoy all this with me. Stormie comes in now and then to see them but he is not really as excited about the puppies like you would be.

It's almost 5 in the morning and I guess I need to some semblance of sanity somewhere. I wish I could find it more often but I have a hard time doing it these days. I never thought I would be here again in my life ever having to say good-bye to one of my children. I love you so much Cody and I miss you to the depths of my core and I am having such a hard time with all of this. Sleep well my son - mom

Nancy

I felt I could write this here on your page Cody because I knew you would understand. You met Nancy when you were almost 8 years old. She always treated Brandy and you as if you were a part of the family even though Larry and I never married.

I know it wasn't always quite the same but she came pretty close for the most part.  She sure helped me with a lot of advice and telling me how to go about things after Storm was born. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't have been able to go back to college as she was the one that told me what I should do and whom I should contact in order to be able to do that.

She enveloped all of us and greeted us into the rest of the family whenever were around and never treated us any differently then anyone else. She was such a wonderful giving woman and always so kind and happy, not to mention she was a wonderful cook!

I was glad that Storm and I each were able to talk to her one last time before she left us last Friday morning on the 11th of November. That I was able to say good-bye and tell her I loved her and appreciated all she had done for us while we lived with Larry and the kids.

Elysia called me in the morning and told me what had happened. I felt so bad for them because I knew what they were all going through. I was just glad they all had the opportunity to at least say good-bye to her before she left them. Something we were not able to do with you.

I had Omi call Elysia and you know Omi she was more than willing to do that and have a prayer with her and try and be helpful. She wanted to call Larry but I told her he was busy trying to get out of the house to go up to the cabin so it was not a good time to call him right then.

I know you would have wanted to call her before she left as well if you were still here with us and tell her good-bye. You were just that way. Like when you found out about Pa's last wife and wanted to tell him you were sorry to hear that had happened to him.

I have to admit we were blessed to be as close as we all were. Sissy, Omi, Storm, you and I all a family and staying in touch all the time no matter what ever happened between any of us. We loved, argued, fought and made-up like a family would and forgive no matter what. None of us ever lost touch with the other no matter what. Not all families can say that, but we can.

I am feeling very badly for all that Larry's family is going through right now and especially Larry's dad. I only hope they can find some solace and relief over all the grief they are feeling right now. They are in my heart and I know in Storm's heart as well, along with Omi and Sissy.

I love you so much Cody and I miss you something awful daily. Sleep well my son - mom

It is November 9th almost Nine months since you left us.

I logged into EQ for the first time in months last night. I found out the guild I was in had booted me, which is fine I had told them about you and that I might not be playing for some time. But it is sad to see that some people have no compassion for what another person is going through.

I met a very nice lady in another guild and I put Evi in there. She even had one of her guild members call me today. It was awesome to talk to someone other then the grief counseling people that are so sick and tired of hearing from hearing from me. He let me cry on his shoulder and let me get a lot of my feelings out without being condescending about it.

I also talked to Omi tonight and cried a lot while I did. She tries to understand what I am going through but it always comes back to Jesus and God for her. Yes she was your grandmother and also Dale's grandmother but she doesn't really understand just how I feel a out the loss of you and your brother. I had 3 months of memories with Dale, but I had almost 25 years of memories with you. You were such a part of me for half of my life.

I am having such a hard time coping with your loss and I wish I could find a way to deal with it better. I call the grief counseling and they are so sick of hearing from me that they hardly ever talk to me anymore. Storm's counselor was going to talk to me but it didn't work out for them to take me to see her and I don't get into sessions she has with Storm. Those are his sessions and his safe place to talk and have nothing to do with me or anything he needs to let me know about other then what he wants to share.

I am drinking too much again just so I can sleep because I have a hard time even going to sleep anymore. My mind just keeps going on and on about stuff and it makes it hard for me to even fall asleep unless I just pass out from too much beer.

Now it is not just you that I miss and mourn in my life it is Dale as well. The day he left this world is coming up on the 21st. You know how hard it was always for me at this time of the year and thinking about that each year.

I look around this house and every time I see Mojo and China I remember how it was when you brought Mojo home. China I just reminds me of the fact how much you wanted me to get you Luna and how much you loved her and cared for her.

The tree I still have standing in the back yard and that limb you were cutting off and then had to move the chainsaw and cut higher up that little stub still is there just so I can remember that and I wouldn't let Storm cut it off or Tim either when he was building our fence and helping me clear what Storm and I didn't get done.

There are reminders of you all over this house and memories I have everywhere I look.

Dinky is so fat these days yes I know you and Kelli named him "Fucker" but he is still Storm's cat to the max. Storm even renamed him Fatty Boy. Storm told me if he gets into a college where he can take him with him he will take Dinky with him there.

I was sad to see that the kitten you had on your shoulder in one of your pictures passed away as well. I was a bit more disappointed that when Jessica posted it she didn't use the picture of her sitting on your shoulder.

I don't hear from Kelli or Beverlee much and I am sorry I don't. Leesa texts me quite a bit and talks to me and I really appreciate that fact. She is engaged now and I am happy for her and I know you would be too.

Do you remember Marcia one of the ladies I used to work for back when I worked for the VNA and Hospice of Northern California? I talked to her the other night she was awesome and let me talk to her about my feelings about what I am going through. I thought that was awesome of her she didn't have to even though she is a Psych Nurse and I used to do all those PowerPoint presentations for her and for Janet when I got laid off from there after Sutter bought them out.

I used to talk to her a lot way back when Larry and I were still together about you and the struggles you had with Larry and being accepted into his family. She was always such a good friend to me.

It's a hard road for me Cody and I am trying my best to cope with it all. I keep trying to tell myself "no regrets" but it really is not easy. It is much easier to say then it is to do. I never thought I would lose you in my life that you would be here for me always until I left this world and not the other way around.

I am still trying so hard to cope with all the things that have transpired and what to do with all that and I really don't have any answers to any of it.

I love you so much Cody and I miss you more then any words I could write could even describe it - Sleep well my son - mom

It's November and I Miss you so Much!

I sat outside tonight and I looked around at the new fence that I had put up all around the yard and I thought about you Cody. I thought about the fact you would have been so happy to have seen Mojo and China be able to run around free and not on leashes. I know you would have loved the goats too and how they follow you around and want to be petted and loved.

I know your friends have lives and they all have to go on living them. But I miss talking to them. I spend countless hours trying to find someone to talk to sometimes. I know it is horrible to say that but it is true. The grief counseling place I call a lot one of the girls there refuses to even talk to me anymore so I just hang up when she says her name. I miss you so much that it hurts so bad down to the bottom of my being.

I cannot describe what I feel sometimes it is an ambiguous feeling the pain is tremendous and the knowledge of never ever being able to have you in my life as a physical being again is horrific.

We had our ups and our downs but we always had each other no matter what. Now I don't have you anymore and I am having such a hard time dealing with that aspect in my life. Storm still needs you so much in his life and he no longer has you and I know that is hard on him even though he will never admit that. You know how he is so unemotional it is almost unnatural.

The one person he looked up to and talked to the most was you, and you are not here anymore for him. He needed you so much in his life and to help him and you are gone now. He really has no one to challenge him anymore and to make him think and to become the best he can be. I try and Sissy tries and I hope it will all work out for him. He loved you and emulated so much of the good of you. He respected the fact that you were so intelligent and knew so much and looked up to you for all that you knew.

You were two little peas in the same pod and were so smart and played off each other and the knowledge that both of you had. You depended on each other and if one didn't know it then the other did and you talked all the time about stuff and learned so much from each other.

I miss having you in our lives and having you call and just talk or ask for Stormie because he wasn't answering his phone.

Your dad got out of jail the other day and got probation for his charges. I wonder just how long it will be before he violates it all. I talked to him after the service for you and he swore he would change his life. He didn't and he ended up in jail for all of the things he did wrong.

I have a hard time each night realizing the fact you are not here. I watch the DVD and I go places and I think things and I have such a hard time accepting the reality of the fact you are not here with me anymore. I miss you so much and I love you and miss you so much that I cannot sometimes deal with the fact that you are not here with me anymore.

Who the hell am I trying to kid? I am having a very hard time accepting the fact you are not here with us anymore. I call the grief counseling line and they are so sick of hearing me call them that some of them won't even talk to me anymore. I watch that DVD and I miss you so much and wish you were here with us. I cannot accept the fact you are gone.

My life revolved around you for years. You were my life for years. When we moved to California it was you and I and I lived for you. You were my little putter head forever. Life changed when I moved in with Larry for both of us. I tried and I argued for you all the time. It never changed anything though and I am sorry for that. I always knew how you felt and I tried forever to change things for you and it never helped. All my trying to get Larry to express feelings for you were in vain. And your dad well that was a lost cause that never changed for you and I am sorry for that.

You always had Sissy, and Storm and myself. Omi as well even though she really didn't understand your needs and always preached instead. She loved you and will always love you just like all of us do. You had such a hard life where your dad was concerned and you never experienced love from any male figure in your life and for that I am sorry. I did the best I could do and what I thought was the best. It never happened and for that I have to ask your forgiveness.

I love you so much Cody, and I miss you and no words can describe the intensity of it. I have no words to that can describe what I feel for the loss of you and how devastated I am. I love you and I miss you Cody. Sleep well my son - mom

It's October Now!

It's now October and you have been away for a while now. With Halloween coming up it reminds me of the many Halloweens I took you out to Trick-or-Treat.

The one that stands out for me the most is the Halloween you almost drowned in Omi and Dad's pool. I was making a potato salad for Dad's birthday and you were just toddling around at that time. You were in the kitchen with me and Dad came in and was talking to me from the doorway and when he left I looked around and you were nowhere to be found. I walked out to the screened deck and saw you under water. I ran over there and reached down and pulled you out. I was so scared. You were just floating downward and looking up. I was so glad for all the times I had taken you to the pool and taught you how to hold your breath under water.

Shady hadn't even barked to let me know you had fallen in and I never heard a sound even though all the doors and the windows were open. You were none the worse from wear and it didn't even faze you one little bit. We still took you out later to go Trick-or-Treating.

That was one of your most favorite times of the year because of all the candy you would get. You went for years even long after you should have quit going out. You would go out with Stormie even to get Candy and steal his when you could get away with it.

I sure miss you. I missed you last night while I was watching Storm's competition and wished you could have been there with me to watch him perform. He is so right on target and snaps right to attention at the end of each song. I am glad he loves band as much as he does since it is the only thing he does in school each year.

I know you hated it because you had to carry your sax to school and back every day when you were in band.  I wish I knew what Pa did with your Sax, I would love to have it. I haven't heard from or seen Pa since the service but I guess he is ok. Not that anyone would ever call me and tell me anything anyway.

I am sure my dismal ways sometimes probably wear on Storm because there are days I just start to cry for no reason thinking about you. But he sure puts on a great face. I Thank God I have him to help me get through this. And for Sissy because if not for her as well I think some days I wouldn't want to live anymore. I never conceived this in any of my wildest dreams that this would ever again happen to our family. I know if you would have known the outcome of that night you would still be here with us. You would never have wanted to cause pain to any of us ever.

Storm even talked about you the other night to virtual strangers about your accident. That is the first time ever I have ever heard him talk about what happened that night. He never even talks to me about it ever. I was proud of him talking about it.

I sure miss your joking and teasing and even the arguments we had. I would give anything to have you back with us. The days pass and time goes on but you are so still with me each and every day in my heart and in my thoughts. In little moments of remembering or wanting to talk to you. To show you the new pets or the goats or just to say I love you. There is such a big hole in my life without you and not being able to share even little things with you anymore.

I am hoping China will have puppies in November and I know you would have been so excited about that to have a bunch of new chow puppies to play with. I can see you now in my minds eye just how you would be around them. You would have your favorites and you would name them all I am sure just like you did those stupid chickens we had. You would bug me to keep one of them and I would have to tell you no Cody no.

You and those stupid puppy pads when we first got Mojo, China and Luna. What a bright idea that was on your part. Never again. Took me forever to break Mojo from peeing on the bathroom carpets because they were the same color as those darn puppy pads.

I know I don't write very often right now but it is not because I don't think about it. I just seem to be having such a hard time that when I try I just start crying so much and then I can't. But Cody I love you so much and I miss you horribly more then anyone can know or understand. Sleep well my son - mom

September 25th - Birthday celebration for Takoda and Kelli

I have been looking forward to this day for the last 2 months. When I could spend time with Takoda and also with Kelli. The last time I saw either one of them was on your Birthday.

I had Omi pick us up yesterday and that did not go well at all. But that is neither here nor there really. Although Storm said he sat back and watched the show. Oh well.

When we got up to Omi's last night Luna was all over Storm and I. Omi was like Luna was the dumbest dog she ever had but Luna always sits there waiting for commands from us and won't listen to Omi when we are there. I sat there today and looked at her outside while I was smoking and I know she loved you totally and was your dog. She misses you as much as we do.

We got up there late around 3pm. Takoda was so hyper he really did not want to be held he was having a blast though. When Kelli finally got there she was able to hold him lots more then we were able to. I thought about you so much on the way home.

I really missed you and I know you would have been there if you were here. Like Kelli said she missed you calling her and telling her happy birthday. We all missed you so much today.

Omi thought I was upset because I am not close to where Takoda lives and can't see him very often. I was not upset about that I was upset because you should have been there and you would have been there if you could have been. I was upset because I missed you so much and you were missing so much. I was upset because you would have been there for everyone. I miss you and I can't hide that fact and the ache in my heart over it is so real all the time.

I can't look at Mojo or China ever without thinking about you. Luna was yours and does she really think I could forget that ever?

I looked at her today She has a disposition like you had. You were 2 peas in a pod Cody. I miss you so much. You and I had our ups and downs and we had out differences many, many times. You might have thought I didn't love you. But I love you so much.

None of this is right. You should be here and I shouldn't be without you and neither should anyone else that loved you and cared about you. Takoda should not be growing up without you in his life, but he is. Storm should not be living the rest of his days without you either and Brandy and Loralei should still have you in their lives. But none of us have you anymore and all we can do is try and honor your memory and keep you alive in our hearts and in our memories and remember you. I love you so much and I miss you so much. I have a hard time sometimes coping but I try. Someday we will be together again I really believe that. I love you so much Cody, I miss you more then I can describe to you. Sleep well my son - mom

Omi's Birthday Today

After reading Kelli's post a few minutes ago it really got me so upset. Then I saw I had a message from Leesa saying how "Walking in Memphis" had played where she was at training earlier. Then to top it off today is Omi's Birthday and I know I would have called you today to make sure you gave her a call and wished her "Happy Birthday" today.

I holler to an empty room and ask why.. Why did this happen... Why you... I scream at an empty room and can't control the waves of tears that stream down my face or the sobs that rack my soul. I cry for all that is lost for you all the experiences you lost all the days you missed. The joy of life that should have been yours for years to come.

The time we still would have had together and the memories you and I would still have shared. I cry because never again will I get those phone calls at all the strange hours from you because as you used to tell me all the time, "Mom I knew you would still be up." I cry because never again will I hear the words "I love you, mom" or feel your arms wrapped around me giving me one of your hugs.

I cry because it is so unfair that the only place you will ever be anymore is in the middle of my bed where you always loved to be. I cry because I miss the son I loved so much and gave me such a hard time and always kept me on my toes.

I cry because I remember the vibrant, happy go lucky kid you were. Always laughing and teasing and so fun loving. It is unreal to feel so much pain inside and to hurt so badly. Thankfully when the brunt of it really hits me Storm isn't around to witness it.

The intense waves of grief are horrible, overwhelming and then I question everything. The reasons why things are the way they are. I question why I am even still here on this earth. Why I have to go through this and what did I do in my life that justifies the loss of you after already losing Dale so many, many years ago.

Sissy lives so far away the only way we talk is over the phone or on skype now and then. There is not much I can do for her or for Loralei so far away. Only Stormie really still needs me and then only so he can finish his school here and then off he goes to college and then no one will be here to need me anymore. The only thing I did look forward to was always knowing in my heart that you would end up back here living here again and then I wouldn't be here alone. But that is gone and it will never be. So now I even question my own existence anymore and what good am I anymore really.

Takoda is so far away and I don't really hear from them very often at all. Trinity I am sure I will never see her again even though they live close. So what is the reason for being here anymore? I don't have any influence anymore on anyone those days are long gone.

Even Storm told me a few weeks ago that after college he plans on moving to Australia to live so then no one will be around anymore. Just you and I here all alone only I can't talk to you and hear you talk back to me anymore.

I just miss you so much and can't fathom the reasons why this happened. Why life had to turn so horribly wrong for all of us. Why this happened to you and the impact this has had on everyone. Not just me but on Takoda, Storm, Sissy, Omi, Kelli and everyone else that knew you and loved you.

All I know is that it is so unfair and painful. Missing you hurts so much and knowing there is nothing that can be done to change it. There are reminders of you all over this house. Even in the backyard with the trees you cut down that I still haven't been able to burn. I wish I could feel peace some days and not feel all this emptiness and pain that I do on a daily basis.

I love you so much Cody, and I miss you more each day. Sleep well my son - mom

Sissy's Birthday!

Today is Sissy's 31st Birthday. I know she is missing you today and missing a Happy Birthday from you.

This past week has brought back a lot of memories and old friends as well. I talked to Dennis for the first time in almost 10 years this past week. He used to do all kinds of stuff with you and Sissy. He was always a good friend and loved you both. He didn't make the service but he tried to get there.

I know Sissy remembers him more then you do but he loved having you around as well.

Today you should be teasing Sissy about going over 30 and how does that feel? But you aren't here to do that. I know she misses you so much and wishes you were still here. We all wish you were still here with us and teasing and laughing with us and loving and just being you.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you or miss you or wish I could talk to you. Life is not the same nor will it ever be. Some days are a struggle all the way around. Some days it is very hard to just go on but we do.

I know that you would tell Sissy you love her and you wish her a very Happy Birthday. I know you would have called her and talked to her today if you were here with us. I know how much you loved her and looked up to her all your life. Even when you didn't want to listen to me you did listen to her.

I want you to know how much you are loved and how much you are missed. Sleep well my son - mom

A Letter

Cody,

I am writing this letter to the man that owns the house next door to the utility pole that you hit. I want him to know what I think of him. I also want him to know about you.

I don't know your name although it wouldn't be hard to find out what it is again. All I have to do is call up the insurance company again to find out. You who didn't waste one minute to put in a claim into Cody's insurance company about a lousy mailbox he hit before hitting that utility pole that ended his beautiful life.

I am haunted about visions of that fateful night. Visions that never leave me no matter how hard I try and put those thoughts out of my mind. He was not quite 25 years old when his life ended. He left behind a wonderful older sister that thought the world of him. I younger brother that looked up to him and adored him no matter how much they fought sometimes about stupid stuff. A mother that loved him more then life itself and now has to live with the knowledge that he will no longer ever come home again.

Let me tell you about my son, Cody, the one whom you were so quick to trash the pictures that were placed there and the crosses and the angel placed by his sister. The one whom you gave no regard to. Whom you felt it necessary and that you felt had so little meaning that you threw everything placed there by family and friends into a trash can.

Cody loved life and loved living it to the fullest. He was ready to help anyone that needed it if he could in any way help them. He loved his family with all his heart no matter what and stood up for each and every one of them. He didn't hold grudges against anyone and was always ready with even the shirt off his back if it would have been needed. He loved to laugh and to make other people laugh and was always happy. He never complained about petty things or about how life had mistreated him. He was a computer whiz and loved nothing better then to help anyone with a computer problem and fix it for them. He wanted to get a degree in Computer Science and was working towards that. He loved animals and they all had an affinity for him and loved him in return. He was sensitive and caring and never went out of his way to ever hurt anyone's feelings. He loved his friends and always loved spending time with them. He loved to tease and bring a smile to your face. If you needed a shoulder to cry on or someone to listen to you he was always there for that. He loved to laugh and to make others happy and sometimes went to far out of his way to do that.

This is the person you treated like dirt and regarded so little that you took things that did not belong to you and decided that you could just throw it all away like trash. I pity you because you seem to have so little disregard for another human being that I am sure when you leave this world there won't be many there to be sorry to see you gone from here. Anyone with as little regard as you have is indeed in need of pity because you cannot really be a part of the human race. Most people have compassion for others and the misfortunes they endure or the sadness of what they go through but you don't or you wouldn't have done what you did and bring more grief onto Cody's family and friends. So yes I pity you.

Yet you were worried about a stupid mailbox. Life means so little to you I take it that it didn't matter that a young man's life ended and he would never grace this earth again. Material things meant way more to you then the life of my son, Cody. How you even were able to get the name of his insurance company so soon after the accident remains a mystery to me. You placed that report to his insurance company on Saturday, the 12th of March. I didn't even have the name or the number myself until Monday the 14th of March.

I was aghast to learn there was already a claim into his insurance company already and for all things a damn mailbox. How totally petty of you to worry about a stupid mailbox when a life was lost. A life that was snuffed out at such a young age. He would never see his son or be a part of his life. Never hold him, talk to him, give him a kiss or tell him he loved him. But, yet you were worried about a stupid mailbox.

I guess a mailbox is more important then a life. A human life is worth what $30.00 dollars to you? That is the worth of a person? You must not have children or maybe your own children are only worth that to you. If you do have children then I guess it wouldn't matter to you either if something so earth shattering was to happen to them. If your life was so devastated and turned upside down over something like this. If your child was never ever to come home to you again in this lifetime.

You have no heart and no conscience it really amazes me. On Memorial Day two of his friends left a cross there at the place where his life ended to remember him by. For his birthday his sister, Brandy flew out there to pay her respects at the place where he left us. Leesa spent countless hours crafting and making the cross that they all placed there on his birthday on July 10th. Storm, his little brother put his feelings for the first time out there for anyone to see when he wrote to Cody. The pictures that were attached to the pole were for others to remember Cody by and to honor the brother and friend they lost.

Yet you in your infinite wisdom took it upon yourself to less then a month later walk over to that pole and rip down the pictures that were placed there. To remove the crosses that were set to remember him and to let others know that someone had a horrible accident there. To hopefully let others know that maybe they shouldn't do what he did.

You claimed that you had left it all there for 4 months. Yet my son, Cody, was not even gone yet for 4 months when those items were placed there. You took the angel his sister placed there to watch over him, the crosses, the pictures and you took it upon yourself to destroy everything.

Who the hell are you? What type of person are you? Who the hell raised you? I hope you do not call yourself a compassionate person or even a christian, because you are so far from it. You don't own that property, you don't own that pole, you own nothing there and had no right to remove anything. No one saw it there driving by. The only way to see it was to walk by there. You had no right for what you did to me his mother, his sister, or his friends. You are a horrible human being and cannot even be termed as human in any way.

Too bad I don't live anywhere close to where you live so I could actually confront you in person and tell you what I honestly think of you. Maybe someday God will grant me the chance to actually meet you and ask you why you have no heart.

Cody I am so sorry there are people in the world like this person. But we both already knew there were just that we really never had to meet them too often in our lives. I love you so much and if there was anything I could do I would. I miss you so much and wish you were here for me to talk to. Thank you for coming to see me in my dreams now and then.

I love you!! and I miss you - Sleep well my son - mom

The Past

Cody,

Tonight I am so missing you, I want to talk to you so much. I don't talk to hardly anyone ever except for Omi, Sissy and Storm. I miss you calling me and telling me what is going on with you and bugging me with whatever it is you want at the moment.

I miss just you bullshitting me. I miss you playing around and teasing or being a total pain in the ass.

I look at all the pictures and remember all the times and what you were like at those ages. Things we did, places we were or where we lived when they were taken. You and I had a lot of rough times and hard times. I think a lot of it brought us closer together then most children and their parents. You loved to be a pain to me. For some reason sometimes I think you just way enjoyed it too much.

Do you remember when we met Gene? I went to work for him doing surveying down in the Modesto valley? We lived in the motel for months and I had to get you a baby sitter for while we were there? One day I came home and no one knew where you were? I finally found you in the apartments behind the motel? I was so scared you had been taken by someone. You just loved it there because we had a pool and we ate all kinds of junk food all the time because we didn't have a kitchen so we had to eat out all the time.

I think when we first lived in California that was probably the best time for you because it was just you and I. You had me all to yourself for a long time before you had to share me with anyone again. It was just you and I against the world pretty much.

I bought you a bike and it was stolen right off the front porch of the house we lived at, they cut the bike lock and stole it. We had the crazy roommate from hell.

Tante Eva didn't really like us from the start when we first moved there to California. When you had your very first migraine headache and they had gone up to their cabin, and we were left home alone and you got sick all over the carpet just in front of the bathroom she had a fit about it when they got home because I couldn't get all the red out from the baby tylenol I had given you for your headache earlier.

They never really did anything with us ever. Uncle Hans had wanted to take us with them but she was totally against it. She hated the fact I had long fingernails and she couldn't grow them so she was always complaining about it. In order to work for them I had to cut them or gee when you smoke it looks horrible because you are missing part of your finger and you are smoking with your right hand and that makes it so noticeable, I was like OMG what petty crap you come up with.

She always complained about you as well. Nothing was ever good enough even though we cleaned their house, did their dishes and worked in their back yard and fixed their fence and all the other stuff you and I did around there. Well mostly me because you were still only little but you know what I mean.

Even her kids were better then you were as far as she was concerned. You couldn't even play any play any of their games and when you did all hell would break loose because her kids would complain about it. But wasn't it funny in the later years her kids had no clue about anything and who was always asked to go down and fix their computers?

Upgrade them, do this, do that, fix them, etc? Why OMG really? it was me. Who grew up later watching me do stuff? Or rather who made you learn how to fix stuff you screwed up because I got sick and tired of fixing what you did? You got really good at doing things computer related and even sometimes I had to ask you how to do something because I did not know how or was too lazy to figure it out myself.

Amazing how none of their kids could even hold a candle to your intelligence and knowledge in later years. But as far as they were concerned I was a totally unfit parent. Especially Tante Eva, who only loved gossip and to hear the worst about anything. Asking questions and wanting to know stuff she had no business knowing in the first place. She loved to say bad stuff about people and to hear bad things as well to try and make herself feel better about herself. She has a long way to go before she can classify herself that way.

Family should always stick together but I really feel she has no sense of what family is really all about. She tries to alienate all of the family especially anyone that belongs to Uncle Hans's side of the family. Not like she has any brothers and sisters on her side to look after her in the event something ever happens to Uncle Hans before her. We should both feel sorry for her as she really doesn't know all the things she does and says and the implications of what her actions and what she says is on other people.

I really believe you in your heart knew the meaning of family and how important it was to you. You even tried so hard to look beyond all the bad your dad did and still loved him in spite of all it all. I know you loved him and you really wanted him to be a part of your life just like Brandy, Storm and I were. Unfortunately it never worked out the way you wanted it to with him. But you did know what it meant.

I really don't know what to say about your dad. He used to be a really good guy but that changed somewhere along the line. He got addicted to stuff. I saw it when we lived in Houston and he used to do a lot of coke and go the bars all the time. He would spend his last buck on it.

Years later I could see how much he was not the dad I wanted you to have. Not that I didn't try and make it work with him, because I did. Finally it was just about did I want you to grow up in the environment we were in or did I want you to grow up differently then what he was a part of.

I chose the latter because I really did not feel like he was a good influence on either you or on Brandy. Look at what he has become now and how he treated Andrew and Katlyn as well. I really believe you were way better off then growing up with him in your life. I know you loved him and really never understood why we left  but he was not a good influence for you and I never wanted you to ever be like him. The biggest thing you ever did for me was to make me proud of the fact you were not like him in any way.

I am very sorry you were not able to have the relationship you wanted with him. But he is not willing and may never be willing to have a relationship with any of his children. The only thing he ever sees is his wants and needs and he puts that above any of you kids. What he wants is way more important to him then anything else. His drugs and whatever comes first and more then likely always will. You deserve so much more then that Cody.

Always amazed me how many times Buster would act so surprised that I left David because he would beat the shit out of me. Every time it was brought up he would act like it was the first time. I guess he never remembered how he had to fly David from Houston back to Tennessee because he beat me while I was pregnant with you with the buckle end of the belt and this after I had been bed ridden for months just to be able to keep you and not have a miscarriage because I had so many problems carrying you in the first place.

He always tried to tell me anything that was wrong with you was just because I left your dad in the first place. He would never acknowledge that David learned his behavior long before I met him, while he was growing up with granny and pa.

I saw where it came from back in 1991 when you and I lived with granny and pa and you were running back and forth on the front porch one day. Pa got so mad at you for doing that and his face was so purple and all the veins on his neck stuck out just like your dad's would do when he was mad at me.  


I will also never forget the morning he got mad at one of the ladies that lived at the home that had alzheimers and she was roaming up and down the hall and came into the dining room. He told her to go back to her room and we were both in the kitchen at the time. When she didn't and was wandering around the dining room he sort of tossed/shoved her back towards the door and she fell down. Later I told granny about it and that if I ever saw that again I would turn them in for elder abuse.

 I just miss talking to you so much. This should not ever have happened. I should have just moved us all back to Canada or maybe I should have moved us to Australia years ago when I was going to. Storm was like I would not be here if you would have done that. I told him maybe you wouldn't look like you do now and not talk like you do but I am sure you would have been here. I just want you to be here too, it is not right that you are not here. It is not natural especially all I went through to just have you in the first place. You overcame so much to just be born.

Never ever doubt I love you, and that I miss you so much Cody. Sleep well my son - mom