Monday March 28, 2011

The next morning Omi came over early and was like everyone needed to get up we had slept long enough.. She decided to cook something for everyone to eat. Kelli stayed through with us for about an hour or so after Omi got here but she couldn't stay too long as she had to get home she had an appointment.

Had a lot of things we needed to accomplish on Monday before Sissy had to leave but time ran out so some stuff just never got completed.  Your dad called not long after Kelli left and he came over with Katy and Andrew. Sissy wanted to get the service on a DVD for him and the PP presentation we showed at your service as well. For some reason the only thing I did mange to get on DVD was what we had video taped. 

I had gone out on the porch to smoke and your dad came out there.. I told him that I hoped he did better with the 2 he had left as he didn't do right by you.  I told him I was mad at him because you never got what you so most desired out of him. How I had to pick up the pieces after the last time he had been here and so disappointed you. That it took you 2 days to get over your hurt from that. He had 2 children left and I hoped he learned something from all of this and that he give them what you never had gotten from him.

I hope he does it, I hope he learned something. Only time will tell if he has or not.. 

Andrew spent time with Storm in his room playing some games and stuff. I think it was good for them both to spend some time together.. I know you were the closest to Storm but you were close to Andrew as well. Maybe they can have some sort of a relationship although they are not brothers but are connected to each other through you. I didn't talk to Katy a lot but told her I hope your dad changes for the two of them. 

Katy and Brandy went to the consignment store to see if it was open but it was closed again. Then they returned the video camera we rented and also the tripod. Your dad took me to Lowe's where I bought a couple of pots for the plants from yesterday and some dirt as well. We really didn't talk much at all. In a way I feel sorry for him.. He never knew you like I did.. But it was his choice so in another way I don't feel sorry for him as it was his doing not mine.. 

There were a lot of people that knew you.. but no one knew you as well as I did.. And even then there were things you didn't even let me know, be it because you didn't want me to get upset or mad or maybe do something about those things.. You never needed me to fight battles for you as you got older, you were more then willing to handle things on your own. And I know you never wanted me to get upset or worried about things for you. Although there are some things I wish you would have shared with me.. I found out now that you are gone.. Some of it was pretty rotten and I would have let my voice be heard in that as well. 

Even now the thought of that still really makes me mad and want to acknowledge the fact that I know about it.  That I am not one bit pleased about it.. That you pretty much dealt with it all alone also makes me angry.. 

After Sissy left the house felt so empty.. Storm went back to his room and I just sat here in the living room by myself.. with nothing but my thoughts and no one to talk to really.. Sissy called me off and on to check on me and to make sure I was doing alright which helped me a lot.. She got stuck with a delayed plane in Nashville so that meant she had to spend the night in Dallas again because she missed the connection due to the delay in Nashville. So she didn't even get home until the next morning and then had to go straight to work from the airport.

I talked a little bit to Leesa and to Jess later in the evening but was still so quiet around here and dismal. As I move around during the day and do things my mind constantly goes to the place of telling myself how I will never ever see you again and how it just makes no sense to me and I can't believe it or don't want to.  I look around at the pictures and just hate the thoughts that run through my mind.

I wish I could walk into Storm's room and see you sitting in there on your computer or sleeping in the bed.. I can see that so clearly in my mind.. you sitting in the chair playing your games or chatting.. or during the day I would walk by the room and there you would be sleeping the day away.. I just can't grasp yet that none of that will ever be again.. I know I keep saying that over and over.. but I seriously can't I just have this big emptiness inside of me and this horrible knot in my stomach. That all I have of you now is this urn that is supposed to have what is left of you inside of it.. This hard cold metal container..

What I can't get out of my head is the visions I had that Friday night when I got the phone call.. The pictures of the car and you inside of it.. I don't think I can ever get those out of my mind ever.. I didn't know then what the car looked like but my mind made them up and I just wanted so bad to be there.. to be next to you.. to hold you and tell you I loved you.. and let you know I was there.. Then when Jessica crossed the line with the posts that were getting so graphic and morbid I got so angry as I know she knew I would read what she was writing... None of that was ok..

I try and hold on to one thought and that is that I hope you never ever saw it coming and that you never felt one ounce of pain at all.. That you just went to sleep and won't know anything until Jesus comes again to hopefully take you home with him.. You were my little baby, my little boy who grew up into an amazing young man that got taken from me. I watched you grow up and loved you and tried to watch over you to never try and let bad things happen to you. My mind does enough work for me in visions without someone adding to those and making what I already think even worse..

Then I heard that there were people at the scene that were taking pictures with their phones of you still in the car and oh boy that was just over the top for me.. If I ever hear of any of those pictures being put on the internet oh man watch out.. you, whomever you are!!

Well I think I really need to stop right now I am getting too worked up right now and need to take a breather and try and relax a little bit..

I "Love" and "Miss" you so very, very much Cody, Sleep well my son - mom

Midnight

I am sitting here on the couch.. the TV is on but silent like I have been having it now for over 2 weeks.. not really watching anything or even listening to anything... it's just pictures either across from me or next to me if I am in the bedroom.. I can't find anything good anymore.. I don't really want to watch anything anymore because you can't and maybe it makes me feel bad.. I don't want to find enjoyment out of anything anymore right now..

I am sitting here and I looked at the urn on the coffee table that holds what is supposed to be you in there.. and I just think Cody that is supposed to be you in there.. and I shake my head because I just can't envision it.. Like I picture you standing behind it as you and I don't want to believe.. I can't believe.. Storm came home from school today and he saw you sitting here on the coffee table with me and he said "Mom I saw you slept with him last night in the bed" and I said "Yes, I did" I put you in the middle just like you always liked it.. between where Storm slept and where I slept..

The items the kids brought back of yours from Omaha are sitting here in the living room as well. One small garbage bag of shirts and that black duffle/suitcase thing that only had some pants and 2 pairs of shoes and some underwear in it.. and a crate with some papers.. I remember when you left my couch was full of your stuff you took with you.. where it all went I have no idea.. there aren't even shirts in there you wore when you were here and I know you still must have had them.. 5 garbage bags of clothes I was told you had turned into not even 2.. Sissy gave your dad the red polo you wore in some of your pictures.. I had wanted to keep that but.. it was given away before I could give my input on it.. Even your blue one that you had on in the pictures we took last April wasn't there or your white one.. or the one Kelli gave you that you wore in so many of your pictures.. I saw you still had the blue one as you were wearing it in the pictures that were taken when you went to South Dakota..

I don't understand how some people can be the way they are.. you will be a fading memory in a few months for them and for me you will never fade from my memory.. the few months you were living in their house is nothing compared to the 24 years you lived in mine..

As I look around my home and my walls and the book cases.. as you know I always have so many pictures of all of you in all phases of your lives.. I still have the signed baseballs from your years in the pony baseball league.. I still even have the banner I made for your team the first year you played out there.. you used to wonder why I hung on to it all these years.. but it was because I made it for "Your" team it has your name on it not just your teammates names.. Yes you were only 7 when I was the team mom for your team that year.. but it was your team!

i wish I could have done better by you all these years, have given you a better home, a better blended family and things would have been better for you.. but you never complained about any of that... made your dad be the dad you should have had or even made me a better mom or someone better you wanted me to be..

Maybe then you wouldn't have been such a risk taker so needing of excitement and been the way you were when you drove... to compensate for things that were lacking in your life.. Kelli called me and she was worried about what I wrote earlier.. that is a secret between you and I .. and wasn't really about her it was just something you did to me but in a sense you used her.. I know you never meant it and I know you weren't trying to be mean.. I know all about it.. I never told you that though.. maybe you knew, maybe you didn't.. it really doesn't matter either way.. it was what it was and that is all..

I want to pick up my phone so badly right now and call you.. hoping you will pick up on the other end.. I wish I would have called you that Friday in the day time.. wish something would have warned me or sent warning signals to my brain that day.. maybe I woke up that night at just the time it happened as I was not up very long when the phone call came in.. maybe that is what woke me up but I just didn't know what it was at the time it did..

I am told you are gone, everything points to the fact, I have all the proof of it.. but I still can't/won't believe it.. Even the one person I considered to be my best friend I had only responded to an email 2 weeks ago said he was going to call and never has called me.. I hate dumping all my sadness, grief and my feelings on Sissy she is trying so hard to deal with all this herself.. and Storm well I try and not let him see how hard this has been effecting me at all.. I need to stay strong for so many people and I can't even stay strong for myself.. I want to go to the kitchen so badly some nights and pour myself a really stiff drink and just forget all about all of this.. but I can't do it.. I have to stay strong.. I keep telling myself that..

I don't have the friends you did Cody.. you above anyone know that.. as you used to call me "The Hermit" I admit I have stayed that way for the last 10 years.. but I just wanted to be around for you 2 you deserved that both of you.. not some jerk off guy making either of your lives miserable.. I learned that in the past years before we moved back here.. I thought I was doing the right thing for you and I wanted so much for you to have a happy home life and it didn't work out.. and I am truly sorry for that.. and I am sorry you had to put up with it again when we went down to Florida a few years ago.. when you sat in the middle and tried to have a conversation with us and you were put down for it.. I did stick up for you yet again, but as usual it never helped..

I wanted life to be better for you then it was for me when I was growing up... but, I failed in that.. I failed ever after we moved back here.. because I couldn't fix things for you or make them better.. no matter all the things I said to you they didn't help because the one place you wanted to be accepted and loved never happened for you..

I remember so may conversations with you.. where I told you how proud I was of you and how proud you made me in all the things you did and how smart you were and things you were accomplishing.. I also knew that you had decisions to make and you had to make those on your own without me badgering you into doing things.. I raised you right just like Brandy and Storm, you are strong and personable and independent and your own man.. and given time to think things through and analyze them you always did good and made good choices. You never let anyone push you into anything or let them lead you like some dumb animal to do things you didn't agree with.. or let them influence you.. I am so PROUD of you Cody.. I can't tell you that anymore but I am..

This is a nightmare.. can I please wake up now and it is all a lie? someone played a really cruel joke on me? Right now I truly wish I did have a significant other to hold me, hug me and help me through all this .. cus it so fucking sucks to be alone.. Other then Sissy.. who is dealing with her own demons and some of the other people who are dealing with their own sadness, aches and griefs.. it's been hard...NO, it is hard period!!!

You know they couldn't even engrave it for me :(  it just has this sticker on the bottom of it.. big ASS whoop!

And it doesn't even look anything like the picture and it has scratches all over it.. and I can't open it :( so I don't even think I can move you to something better :(

Cody I need one of your Hugs right now.. I wish I could get one!!!
Tell me it is going to be alright, tell me it is going to get better because right now I don't feel like it ever will.

You were such a big part of my life and I do mean a big part of it bigger then Brandy, because she had her family in San Diego and her husband and Loralei, and Storm his life is on track and going well for him but you, you were a big part of mine because of everything you were going through, dealing with and all your problems as well.. You had the biggest chunk of my attention and were my biggest concern.

I worried about you the most because you "needed" me the most.. Even though you were 800 miles away you still needed me the most out of you guys.. I am sorry for all you endured the past few months.. I wish you would have talked to me more, Cody..

I LOVE YOU SO VERY, VERY, MUCH & I MISS YOU HORRIBLE  - SLEEP WELL MY SON - MOM

"Celebration of Life"

All your friends from Omaha got in late on Saturday night. It was so great to meet these kids Brandy and I had been talking to for the past week. I gave them all a hug, especially Nick - he got the first one! He seemed a bit shy around me.. I even made a Cottage Cheese loaf for them Cody, most of them did try it.. and they really liked it and if they didn't they said they did :)  Brandy and I put them to work.. we still had all the collages to make for Sunday afternoon and none of the shirts were even ready yet.. 

I put Leesa on my computer in the bedroom the black one.. and she worked on the PowerPoint and put all the music back into it for us.. I went in and watched it with her.. and cried again of course.. She just did such a wonderful job of that for us.. I played the song video for the kids and most of them cried watching it.. especially Jess.. They all really miss you so much Cody and they have been just awesome for Brandy and I, you really touched their lives Cody..

It was around 5 or 6 am and I had to get some sleep so I crawled into bed with Loralei, Brandy was still out here with the others putting on the Iron on's on the back of the shirts.. Taylor and Jess were still working on the collages with all your pictures..

We had planned on going out to the Golden Corral for the breakfast bar Sunday morning.. Beverlee and John showed up with Takoda about 9:30 or around there and Kelli was not far behind them.. We got up late and talking and meeting everyone we sort of missed the end time for the Golden Corral.. so we had to look for someplace else to eat.. They wanted to go to a Waffle House since you used to talk about it so much but we couldn't find one that had enough seats for everyone to sit so they ended up at Shoney's.

I had Brandy take me to the church instead as it was already 12:30. It was a good thing I did as we had a hard time locating the Chapel no one was really there to direct us.. We had to find the screen and the projector as well and have it taken up to the room.. Then had to find someone to help us set that up.. Your aunt Vicki came into the room while Brandy and I were setting up the arrangement of plants on the alcove area behind the podium.. Uncle Eddie was with her he came and gave me hug.. Vicki only talked to Brandy.. I guess I must have been invisible.. oh well... it is what it is..

Then Brandy had to run back up to Wal-Mart there in Ooltewah there on the Little Debbie Parkway.. we still didn't have a tri-pod for the camera.. and it was a good thing she had to go as there were no speakers either in the room for the sound.. so I had her get a pair of speakers for the computer as well. The Pastor came in and he helped me get the visual stuff set up.. By this time people were already coming there..

Some I recognized others I didn't, a lot of Granny's sisters came from West Tennessee.. and a lot that had known you when you were little and we had just moved back here from New Jersey. Even Jack came and I hadn't seen him since your dad and I were together way back when.. He said the last time he had seen you was when you were about 11 or so and had come here to visit once when we lived out in California.. 

Brandy got back a little bit after 3 and had to get the camera set up and the Pastor and I set up the speakers. Sissy had to walk out about half-way through the presentation and didn't come back until after I had spoken.. Stephen was there and he spoke and he was pretty tore up.. Ross didn't come, he told Stephen he just couldn't bear to see you like that.. I can understand that.. You and Ross were close like you and Stephen and we all take things differently.. The 3 of you were like the 3 musketeers always palling around together and doing stupid crazy stuff sometimes... I can still see you guys all over the house playing EQ on the computers at the house and sleeping on the couches and the floors for days.. You guys were part of the fixtures there.. 

It was hard on everyone there, Sissy gave your dad the necklace with you inside and I gave the ones for Katy, Andrew, Sissy, Storm, Beverlee and Kelli.. I hope they all keep you safe and close to them.. I know how important all of them were to you.. I had wanted to give Omi your blanket but we didn't get that back yet, not sure if we will but I am hopeful she will return it.. I told Omi Sunday night about it since you loved it so dearly because she had given that to you when we still lived in CA. That where ever you went that blanket went too.. It has been all over hasn't it? even to Hawaii!.. Omi didn't want any ashes and I thought it was fitting to give her what she had given you and the heart and love you put into that blanket because that was something Omi had given you.

I had a hard time with the presentation and of course the song I lost it.. on that as well.. I think you would have liked what I wrote for you... and the memories I shared with them of you and what I thought about you.. I think I have told you all those things many times before but maybe you just never thought about those times we had those talks too much.. When Stephen told me a few days ago or so before the service that you had told him once that you wished I would just tell you I love you.. I was like wow.. I told you I loved you many times not just in words but in actions.. The talks when I told you how proud I was of you and much you meant to me.. but I think when a person is still around you do think of the not so good times a lot and really don't think so much about the good times or good things as much..But once someone is not around anymore to actually talk to or see.. then you start just remembering all the good and the bad just fades into oblivion somewhere... 

I still remember both.. but I always forgot the other because I love you and I am your mom and I know the reasons behind it all.. and I understood the reasons... so for me it didn't matter really.. at the time of it yes, but not later... I didn't dwell on it.. 

I couldn't bring myself to give your dad his necklace I had to have Brandy do it.. Omi did the the final scripture and prayer.. and you would have laughed, Cody.. Only Omi could turn that into a small sermon.. so typical of her :).. After I told everyone the plants in the back were for those that wanted one to take home with and remember you by they for them. All the plants found homes Cody so many will always remember you when they look at them later.. even the baskets found homes.. The piece that Jaime made for your urn granny's sisters took back to west Tennessee to put on Granny's grave.. so that was fitting Cody.. I know you would have liked that !

So many thoughts and feelings going through me right now.. just everything and I can't bear it.. I am alone in the house, I keep you near me.. you are in the spot next to me at night in bed and here by me now as I write this...

After the service we took pictures of all of us together.. the kids had to leave and couldn't go with us to eat at Cracker Barrel afterwards.. They all had to be home for things on Monday morning.. There was someone out in the parking lot while we were still there waiting for everyone to be ready to leave.. and Brandy and Kelli were taking pictures of you in the piece that Jaime made with your hat on the top of it, when a red sporty car backed up fast did a 360 in the parking lot then sped off.. we don't know who that was.. but we feel who ever did it, was doing it in honor of you.. because that is exactly something you would do.. 

Then we all headed out to the Cracker Barrel.. they had reserved 2 center tables for us there with plenty of seating for all.. It was Beverlee, Takoda, John, Kelli, Fanny and her boys,  Sam and David, Storm, Brandy, Loralei, Stephen, your dad, Katy, Andrew and myself. We had you on the table with us with your favorite hat on.. and we all enjoyed a meal together talking about you and reliving memories.. You would have liked that.. I wish that Nick, Jess, Taylor, Leesa, Matt, and Nicks mom Janice could have all been there as well. But, I understand why they had to leave when they did and they had a long ride home. 

Kelli came and spent the night at the house that night.. We went through the things that Nick was given to bring us.. of course there was a lot that we didn't get.. all those games in the boxes you used to drag around with you all over the place.. we only got 2 of those back.. and even the game you just had bought and was the last thing you and Storm and you talked about we didn't get back.. there was only one hoodie the one Kelli gave you... 5 bags of clothes turned into one small garbage bag with shirts and a small duffle suitcase of some pants 2 pairs of shoes and some underwear.. even the shirt you had on in so many pictures was missing as were some of the others.. Sissy gave the red polo to your dad that you were wearing in a couple of your pictures.. 

I don't know, the son I watched leave this house was alive and full of life and now to just get back a few things here and there of what and who you were.. is unfathomable I still can't take it all in.. I talk to you sitting here.. and it is still so all unreal to me.. I want to just believe you are on a long vacation somewhere and then all of a sudden your call will come on my phone or you will pull up in the yard and there you will be!! I picture you so full of life in my mind and I can see you so clearly almost like I could reach out and touch you... 

I get so upset and so stressed and I know China can feel it.. she just follows me all over the house when ever I get up to go to another room.. And you know Mojo as hard headed and stubborn as you.. he still won't house train thanks to your bright idea of the puppy pads and my bathroom carpets looking like one.. I still have to get the rest of the back yard finished up and fenced in.. but now we have been having lots of rain again :(   I have more to write but I will put that into it's proper blog title for you...

Just know that we all talked a long time on Sunday night and thought about you and relived memories of you and comforted each other and were there for each other.. And no I will never tell Kelli what you used to tell me that wouldn't be fair to her or to you.. I don't know why you used to say that to me but I don't believe it for one minute and never did that it was true.. I think you did it for the reasons I think you did and nothing more.. Just know that I love you and I miss you and I don''t know when I can think about things without crying or feeling the pain I do now.. maybe someday.. just not today.. 

I love you and I miss you Cody.. so so so very very much - Sleep well my son - mom

Sissy's First Day Home

Sissy got here about 1 in the afternoon. It was good to see her again.. I could see the pain in her face when I went out to meet her at the van.. We gave each other a hug and held each other a few minutes.. It was hard to hold back the tears. Neither of us ever thought the next time we saw each other would be because you were no longer a part of our lives.. I went around to where Loralei was in her car seat.. Wow she has gotten so, so big.. And she sure is a cutie.. She's a happy baby like you were. She is always laughing and smiling.. China and Oreo even came to tell her hi. She tries to call China pup pup.. and she was constantly trying to touch her and to touch Oreo when they got close to her..

Even Stormie held her off and on... Our first stop was at Big Lots needed to get a few more pillows and another blanket so when all the kids get here tomorrow evening I can make sure I have enough of everything for all of them. Then we headed over to the Rent a Center to get a video camera for Sunday..

Well I lost the electric bill because it came like on Friday before you had your accident and I have no clue what I did with it.. so we had to go to the electric company there on the other side of Walmart - as we were driving there and we passed O'Charley's Sissy said that is where we dropped him off to work when I was here last year.. and I said yep it sure is and we were both real quiet .. thinking about that day when we did that.. You were all dressed up in your work clothes and we said we would see you later.. On our way back up towards Lowe's we passed the store Sissy, Omi and I went to later in the day and talked about that.. after we stopped for something to eat and were headed back to the house as we passed all the places along the way where you and her had stopped at for food or whatever we talked about that.. It was just so hard thinking about the fact you won't ever be going to any of those places ever again..

Sissy said boy that boy could pack away some food! Storm and I wholeheartedly agreed.. we reminisced about all the times when we first moved here and were still living in Pa and Granny's basement how Pa would show up down there with a huge sack full of Crystal's for you and you would wolf all 20 of those down in no time..

I told Sissy about all the places along Battlefield Parkway you had worked in the years we have lived here in the area.. There were quite a few - Little Caesar's, The Donut Palace, Wendy's, O'Charley's I might even be missing a few..

Sissy and Stormie dropped me off at the house and they went over to Pa's, they were there for about 3 or 4 hours I guess. In the meantime I got a little bit of sleep. When I woke up they were still not here, and I had bought a few more picture frames for all the frames that were ruined on the moves and I had yet to replace. As I was going through pictures it just flooded me with all kinds of memories through the years.. I just still can't believe it.. That I will never ever see you again.. in this lifetime anyway.. hopefully I will when Jesus comes again but only he knows that.

I was lying here in bed this morning since it is real early -  and just thinking about you and missing you so much.. It is like I told Kelli a few days ago, when you know you will see that person again you don't worry that you don't talk to them every day because they are just a phone call away or an email or something like that. But you don't feel sad or upset if you don't talk to them every day or even once a week sometimes depending on who or what they are/mean to you. But when something like this happens and the knowledge hits you full force that never ever will you hear from them again or see them again the pain is just excruciating.. Because it hits you with such force that is a forever thing, it isn't just for a day or two or a week or a month but forever.. when I was little and I used to think of space and tried to wrap my mind around the fact that it went on to infinity.. It made me scared, I mean really scared, I don't know why but it did.. I guess because my mind just can't comprehend something that has no end.. because we are used to a start and a finish point for whatever it is.. but with space and infinity there is no ending ever.. And I guess that is how I feel now because there is no end to the fact that I won't ever see you again and hear you or touch you.. I guess I just don't want to let my mind wrap around that fact or it doesn't want to.. I don't have the same sense of loss with you like I did with little Dale.. with him my arms felt empty and useless and there is the same hole in my heart and all of that but the loss with you is shaking me to the core of me. It just runs through me like no way I can really explain.

I sit here in my room day after day the past two weeks and I go through all in my head about all the things through all the years and how could I have done things differently or what if I had done this instead of that or how could I have changed something to possibly have created a different outcome of what has happened.. And I just don't have the answers but I feel if I had done some things differently maybe or pushed harder or said more maybe the outcome would have been different..

I read on someone's wall early yesterday morning a conversation between the kid in the car with you that night and another person and I got so sick to my stomach reading the plans for that night and what the two of them said about you, and what was said the night it all happened or the night before.. And Cody I know you were having fun your way but I wonder if sometimes just to make other people happy or whatever you didn't push that envelope just a little to hard..

Maybe you would still be here.. Maybe we would have had more time with you.. I don't know the answer to those questions but I would hope the answer was yes to them all. As I sit here typing this with all the emotions flooding through me and the tears streaming down my face.. just missing you so much, wanting one more conversation, one more I love you mom.. I pray that I never ever ever ever have to ever go through this again ever..

I love you very much Cody and I miss you so very much the pain is indescribable  - sleep well my son - mom

Sissy is coming home!

Sunday is getting closer now and Sissy finally is on her way with Loralei.. She called me before she left San Diego that her flight was delayed. She might get stuck in the Dallas airport for the night unless they hold the connecting flight to Nashville. There are nine others taking the connecting flight on her plane so we are hoping they will hold it for them.

I am so looking forward to seeing her and Loralei as not sure when she would have been able to come out again to visit us here. It has been almost a year since she was here last. I can't wait to see how much Loralei has grown  and see her little personality that is emerging.. I hope she is outgoing and bright like you were.. just cheerful all the time..

The other side is that even though you are home now and you are with us, it isn't the way I would have imagined it to be.. I lay in bed last night and I just cried. When I held what is you in my hands I knew it was you in there just not the way it was supposed to be.. I looked at that box for a while before I opened it yesterday and my mind raced back to that last day I ever saw you.  When you packed all your stuff into that girls car and I had you and Storm pose for those pictures for me.. I am glad I did because I never in my wildest dreams thought you wouldn't be coming home. I sent you out into the world a bright shining star of life and vitality and smiles and laughter and a full bright future ahead of you and you came home to me in a box.. Every fiber of my being screamed how unfair this all was and my mind still doesn't want to wrap around all of this.. I still want it all to be such an awful dream that I just haven't woken up from yet.

I know Sissy is excited to see us as well and she is doing such a great job of holding herself together as well. Although late at night when both of us are winding down from our long drama filled days and each of us thinking our own thoughts and sometimes talking about you about some memory I hear the sniffles over the phone from her as well. Everytime I read something or think about something that makes me cry Sissy always.. are you ok mom?  It's like yes I am ok and thankfully you can't see my face to know how badly I am really lying right now.. I am sorry that Chris wasn't able to come with her, but he did an awesome job of getting me the song I am playing for you on Sunday. I think you two would have been good friends had you ever been able to spend more time together getting to know each other better then the few days when he was here. Or the few times you might have spoken to him over the phone or something.

I heard your dad and Andrew are up here now. I guess they are staying at Pa's. Omi tried to get me to have some of the kids go over there but I wouldn't ever do something like that to them! Your dad told Sissy she could as well but she said she is staying here with me. Sissy and I will go up to Omi's sometime tomorrow so Sissy can see the place Omi bought. You never got to see Omi's new house. You would have liked that as well, since she lives on top of the mountain with a lake across the street. Luna loves it there and goes on walks with her to Mrs. Schermerhorns house because Omi has to take care of the chickens we used to have that I gave her and their dog while they are away. I am glad now that I didn't offer to let you take Luna with you because we might not have been able to get her back and to keep Omi company. Just know that Omi is taking really good care of her and that she loves her and Omi said every time she looks at her she thinks of you.

You know I was thinking earlier today about those chickens and how you even named one and it was your favorite one.. Rose.. Well I can tell you those 3 hens still stick together and are as happy as peas in a pod up there on the mountain. they lay some of the biggest eggs I have ever seen too.. Omi brought me some down when she was here on the 12th.

I will write about yesterday soon but not today.. It's still real hard every day but Cody things have been working out little by little and I really feel that God is watching over all of us right now and trying to help us get through this.. and is working his majic a bit at a time.. All the people coming from different parts being able to get together to Celebrate the life you had and what we shared with you. To be able to share our memories of you with each other and to lean on each other for support to get us all through this..

Yes, eventually some people might forget you or not think about you that much in the future, but you know the empty spot that is left in the lives of Omi, Sissy, Storm, Loralei and myself.. The chair that will never again be filled at the table when we all get together for some memorable event in each of our lives. Or the seat on the pew that sits empty when Storm gets married  - if he does.. or the chair when he graduates from High School and later on from college.. We will have that hole forever with us that empty spot.. But this Sunday everyone there will be remembering you and your life and what you meant to each and every one us.. Sunday is "Your" day Cody..

I am just so heartbroken that this is the reason Sissy is coming home, I so wish it was for some other reason in life but this.. But I will be happy to see her even through all the pain I feel now I will be happy to see her and hug her and the baby and tell them I love them.. I just pray all goes well and they are safe and nothing happens to either of them as they travel here from so far away. I just have to believe God is watching and keeping them both safe for me.

Well I still have some things I need to do around here before she gets here.. You know me always leave everything to the last minute.. Although I have been making lists for us for the next few days of what we need to do.. So nothing is forgotten.. I love you and I miss you so much - Sleep well my son - Mom

The Day you were Born

I can remember that day like it was yesterday... You weren't due for a few more days.. But me being me didn't want to take a chance you would be born on a certain date - reasons not being mentioned.. so I had gone down and bought some castor oil.. Since with Sissy the Dr. had made me take it like 4 times before she was born and it never worked.. so I had been told way back then that if you weren't ready to be born it just wouldn't work.. So I took it around noon with some diet coke.. gosh that stuff is nasty going down.. I went into the living room and laid down for a while and around 5 o'clock I noticed I was having contractions.. so I though ok.. I will just go for a walk down the road to the next street up and back to help speed things a long a bit.. I started timing them around 6 or so.. I started timing them.. I told mom and we called Eddith and she headed up.. We had Joey so Brandy and Joey were down in the living room and the bedroom upstairs was all readied and the bathroom and been kept lysoled for a while already in preparation of your birth..

Omi was going to deliver you and you were supposed to be born at home.. Well I would walk and walk and walk all around the top deck above the garage.. I did that for hours.. But you didn't come and you didn't come.. Everyone was starting to worry about that.. Well around 5:30 a.m. I couldn't take it anymore.. it was hurting to even try and push anymore.. So I told David we better go to the hospital.. I rode in the backseat lying down.. When we got to the hospital they put me in some room and the nurses there were like was Mrs. Schermerhorn going to deliver for you? Because when they asked why I waited so long I said was going to have you at home...

I told them no that she was out of town and wouldn't tell them anything else.. The Dr. came in and checked me out.. broke my water and promptly left the room.. I had the next contraction and wow Cody you were right there ready to meet this world head on.. I told the nurse and she tried to tell me I was wrong and I told her you were on your way.. She had to check that out for herself of course because I guess who am I to tell her what is happening with me.. Well she freaked and headed out the door running after the retreating Dr.

Well the Dr. got back in but they were so worried about putting gloves on him since he had discarded the others on the way out of the room.  In the meantime here you came.. David said the Dr. barely caught you before you went off the end of the bed they had me on.. He said he was about ready to punch the Dr. They rushed you out of the room so I didn't even get to see you... They stuck you under a heat lamp I was told.. I laid there in the nasty bed for about 45 mins or so before they finally admitted me and moved me to a room..

I found out from David later that although there was only one other baby in the nursery that morning the nurses forgot about you being under the heat lamp and you ended up being under there way longer then you should have been. They were laughing about it when they realized it which really got David mad... I didn't get to see you for hours.. But when I did you were the prettiest baby .. you even had blonde hair already...

I got to keep you in my room for a long time before they came and took you away..

That is what the day was like the day you were born and God gave you to me..

I love you Cody, sleep well my son - mom

Sissy

Sissy and I were talking and I was telling her I remember how the two of you used to fight like cats and dogs.  I was amazed that with the 6 year age difference between the 2 of you that you fought as much as you did.... but then it was the same way with you and Storm and that was a 9 year age difference...

I asked her if she remembered how you two would fight in the back seat when I would be driving somewhere and I would yell back at you two to cut it out.. and she said yep.. and if you two didn't stop it I would stop the car and whoop your butts.. and you guys would quit for about 2 mins then right back at it again.. so I would stop the car..

She was remembering the times she used to wrestle with you and headlock you and give you nuggies on the top of your head.. Oh man did you hate that.. and she would tickle you too... The two of you were something else.. If I remember right there used to be red bellies in there somewhere too.

You were my blonde haired, blue eyed tanned little boy.. just what every girl would dream of in a typical beach bum.. you loved the water and the beach and when we were there you spent every minute down at the water. I wish I could take us all back to that time.. back before you grew up, when you were still little.. such an innocent little boy with no cares no worries and a future of full of possibilities.

You were something else.. sissy would tell me things you did and I would well he's younger then you are.. I know life wasn't peaches and cream for us but we didn't do too badly for the most part, I don't think.

It was just the two of us when we first moved to California and it was just the two of us in Tennessee as well for some of the time we were there.. so I know you got real used to having me all to yourself.. it was hard for you when you had to share again. I always tried to do what was right for you and Sissy.. and to take you guys and your feelings into consideration with the decisions I made..

I know it was hard for you when we lived in California to not have Sissy there all the time and it was basically you all alone and the other 3 were hard on you because they weren't blood related to you. But I tried to always watch out for you and make sure you were being treated fairly but sometimes I know it didn't happen. No matter all the arguments I had to try and make it so. I wanted us all to be a family and to all be happy together.. When Sissy finally came for good I hoped it would finally happen but it didn't and that is when I just knew it was time to give up. By then you were a teenager and well you weren't that little boy anymore.. you were growing up and going through that rebellious age.. but I gave you the choice where to go and you picked here.. so here is where we ended up and here is where I will stay.. Here is where you will be soon..

I hear the pain in Sissy when I talk to her on the phone, I know she is suffering too very badly and is trying to be so brave about it for me.. because I know she is worried about me and I know Storm is too.. she told me that Storm was worried I would do something.. But you know I won't.. I didn't raise any of you to be weak but to be strong and independent and to fight with everything you have for what you want and for what you think is right. I taught you all to stand up for yourself and not let people railroad you or do anything you didn't want to do.. I didn't raise weaklings but strong independent young adults..

None of you follow the crowd or succumb to peer pressure.. you have your own minds and do your own thing not what others want you to do.. All three of you I am so proud of you and proud to be your mother.. And Storm will make you proud of him too one day when he is all grown up.. Sissy and I are so proud of you and all the things we have been learning about you while you were gone.. I just wish we could have been able to tell you that, it would have made you so happy. You never talk about things that are going on with you that you are dealing with, you always kept a lot of things to yourself. Either to not let me worry or to not upset me or to protect me or whatever the reason. But you never tried to make me feel sorry for you or anything you always tried to work things out on your own when you could.

I know you listened to me when I talked to you about things. Maybe not right then but I know you took things to heart. Rehashed it in your brain later.. I don't think you ever wanted to tell me I was right about anything just because :)  but then I understand that.. I wouldn't have wanted to admit to Omi she was right about something either when I was your age. There is a time when every parent has to let their kids go and just let them make their mistakes on their own.. and I tried hard to not interfere with your life and let you learn things on your own and make your own mistakes so you would learn from them and become a better person from it.

Cody I know you were and you were working things out for yourself. I am just sad that you weren't able to finish the things you had started.. Or to realize the dreams and plans you were making.. Just like I never dreamed I would be writing all this down and that I would never see you again. I have never done this before and never thought I would or could.. but I am trying to find my way through all this and you know me.. "The Hermit" Other then Sissy and Storm no one really to talk to. Omi is there but you know how that goes :)

Sissy is doing so much for you right now.. She hasn't been getting much sleep either. It is hard for her out there alone away from everyone here as well I am sure and her dad and other family. But we had a laugh over remembering things tonight about you. It made us both feel a little better to remember something about you together and laugh about it. We talk about you a lot. You probably wouldn't like that too much but what can you expect! I guess we have to start thinking of this like you are on a long vacation and have no cell service, no internet, no mail. But what I wouldn't do to answer the phone and hear you on the other end of it in your happy voice.. I was just thinking about the last time "All" of us were together and I had made Cottage Cheese Loaf and that Shepherd's Pie you liked as well I make and were all together.. You, Sissy, Storm, Omi, Chris, Loralei and myself.. I wish I could roll the clock back to then and just have that time back again if even for just one minute.. Oh and you guys all worked in the front yard that day.. Sissy had the time of her life with my weed eater! I wish you could have gone to the Aquarium with us that day when we went. We were so happy to all be together again even though it was only for a few days and to meet Chris and to see Loralei! I know you and Chris hit it off.

All the regrets, all the unspoken things we never got to say... Each of us trying to overcome our own demons in all this.. I think it will take some of us a long time to come to terms with all this.. Some much longer then others and some maybe never..

I sit here all hours of the night every night with just thoughts rolling around and around in my head. I actually have slept the past 36 hours a bit more.. I think my body is rebelling on the lack of sleep and food and trying to recover some. I have been trying but it has not been easy.. I know I have to stay healthy for Storm. He needs me still. Sissy has been so busy like I said just getting stuff for Sunday that I don't think she has had much breathing room herself. She told me today or maybe last night that she really thinks you would like what I have done.. I really hope so.. It's all about you right now.. it isn't about us, just about you and to Celebrate the fact that you were a part of our lives even though it wasn't long enough. Sissy loves you very much and I know she misses you.. You would like all the things she is doing and has come up with..

You will be home soon where you belong I promise... We will all be together again as well even though it is only for a few days but we will be. We will remember all the good times and the happy times we had with you. The tears we shared and the laughter we shared.. But we will remember you and we will Celebrate your life Cody and the fact that we were a part of your life and that you were a member of our family. This is your time and only yours and all about you and just about you.

I will talk to you again soon.. I am going to lie down now and try and relax a little bit and calm my mind.. I love you very much.. Sleep well my son - mom

You have been gone a week

It's been a week now since you left us.This entire week has been just like being in a bad dream you can't wake up from.. Saturday Omi came over, and Beverlee brought Takoda down so we could meet him for the first time. He looks so much like you did at that age.. You know when we have your Celebration Cody, he will be having his 6 month birthday. I didn't do too well last Saturday at all. Edith called me and so did Dale even. I know they both knew how I felt since they had been through this before with me with "Little" Dale years ago. They could understand the pain I was feeling.

Storm doesn't say much Cody and I am worried about that. I really don't know what he is feeling about all this. Only Elysia has called him last Saturday. Ann the lady that bought the house next door was as upset as we are even though she never got to meet you. She said she knows Storm and she knows me and that you had to have been someone special. I know you are someone special.. You are special and the hole that has been created with you leaving us is tremendous. I just so wanted it all to be a dream. I talked to the coroner in the afternoon. I really don't remember the conversation anymore I think I must have blocked it all out. I know your sister talked to them as well. But she said she asked a lot of questions so she really knows more then I do. I told her I don't want to really know more then I need to know and that I only wanted to know that you didn't suffer. That to me is the most important thing that you never felt anything Cody. If for one minute I knew you felt any pain I don't think I could bear that.

You felt so much pain in the short amount of time you were here that if you did when you left that wouldn't be fair. You didn't deserve that.

Sunday really didn't get much better and the calls only kept confirming that it was all true. I woke up around 6 am on Sunday and the day just kept getting worse and worse. I talk to Brandy a lot right now and she has been a rock. We talked a lot before but she has been calling me a lot each day and we share memories and try and work our way through all this.

On Monday I called your insurance company that you had for the car. James is such a nice man and really sympathized with all we are going through. I gave sissy his name and number and everything and she is the one that really communicated with him after Monday. I worked with Chris the gentleman that is handling all the medical part of your policy and he too, like James is extremely nice. He is working with me to help me get all the arrangements completed.. A task I should never have been doing.. Your wife someday should have been doing all this or maybe your children Cody, but not me, not your mother.

I think it was Monday night or Tuesday night I am not sure that Jacob finally called Storm. Storm said it lasted all of about 30 seconds. That his other brothers can't even spare 5 minutes to call him and see how he is doing through all this is just amazing to me. If it would have been one of them and not you, I know you would have been there for him. Calling him every day to check on him and see how he was doing.

Tuesday was when I could finally try and start to get things done for you. I found the mortuary for you and I am working with a man named Jaret. He has been very helpful through all this. It just keeps getting harder as I make all these arrangements and I feel like I am just in this living nightmare that is never going to end. It still isn't real to me even though I making all these plans and all these arrangements for you.

I really wanted to bring you home long before you will be here, but Jessica requested that she bring you home. I told her that she could. Jessica's mom, Tess set up a Remembrance for you to be held on Thursday evening at her church. I wish I could have been there to see all the friends you made out there in Omaha, and all the lives you touched. I think it was Monday night as well that I found the link for the newscast they played in Omaha on Saturday of what happened to you.

Sissy and I and lots of your other friends and family have been posting it on our FaceBook pages to let other people know what happened to you. We are hoping that it will help other drivers to think when they step behind the wheel to slow down. If only one person slows down and saves their life or someone else's then you didn't leave us for no reason. Maybe lessons can be learned through all this grief the rest of us are feeling and working through.

I haven't talked to Pa since Saturday I just have Omi call him now. I am sorry Cody but I can't handle your Pa never could really after we moved back here from California and Granny died. He never really has anything nice to say to me anymore just accusations and not so very nice things. And of course I told you I haven't heard from Vicki or Megan at all. Although Megan requested friends on Facebook I haven't heard a word from her not even a not on my wall.  I did read her's though and I was so shocked to read what she had written about you.

She wrote on her wall last Saturday: Please pray for my family, my cousin got into a wreck and died - not even your name :( I was like seriously? We lived with Granny and Pa almost 2 years when we moved back here from California in the basement she saw you almost every day. And when we lived here in Tennessee in the early 90's she saw you all the time. And the summers when you came out to visit and she couldn't even put in your name. She hasn't posted anything about you since except to find a link here or there on someone's page and click like other then that she doesn't say a word..

Here the rest of us even people that only knew you a short time are posting what we are feeling on our walls and sharing our grief and our pain with others. And family doesn't say a thing.. Like I said on my wall "Blood" is not thicker then "Water" it is the other way around.

On Wednesday night I found out that we couldn't Celebrate you at Standifer Gap SDA church we would have to wait until April 3rd. I told Omi that was too long of a time to wait to do that and I would call around and find another church to have it at. I had wanted to do it there because that is where you were dedicated to the lord on January 31st, 1987. I always thought God would protect you and keep you safe from harm, but I guess that didn't happen. I don't blame God but I just don't understand why he let it happen, especially to you.  When you had so much left to do with your life, and you were finally getting all the things I had talked to you about the past few years.

Thursday morning I called the Collegedale church and that is where we are going to have it. They were so nice and helpful. Paster Tim Cross will be there next Sunday, I have not met with him but he has been very nice the couple of times I have talked to him. Debbie, one of the ladies that works there gave me the name of a florist to use. I am using Killian and Daisy and Jaime the gentleman there I am working with is just amazing. I explained to him the circumstances and that he would have to go through the insurance company for the payment and he was just fine with that.

When I told him about what I am doing and that I didn't want any flowers - You were not a flower person. I only wanted live plants there and when we are all done anyone that wants one can take one home with them so they can have a living reminder of you, he was blown away. He told me he had never had anyone ask for that before but he thought that just was the greatest thing ever. Even when I spoke to him again on Friday he said he had not talked to Chris yet but for me not to worry everything I wanted would be there next Sunday just like I wanted.

Jaret is handling the booklet for me and he is mailing that them to me on Monday. I think you would have liked what I came up with for you. Today here and in Port Charlotte your obituary is in the paper. I had them post it for Sunday and Monday in both places. You had friends in Florida as well and we lived there a long time before leaving there. I talked to Steven yesterday and he said he was getting a paper and having it laminated. He wants to get a hood ornament as well he said made special just for you to put on the front of his car, to remember you by.

A week has passed but it hasn't lessoned any of the pain I feel or mended any of my broken heart. My life has just a little less light then had before. Yes, I still have Sissy and Storm, and of course Omi, but our family has shrunken yet again. Storm said he hopes it doesn't shrink anymore anytime soon. I agree with him. After all we have been through this past week it made Sissy decide to make a will. I told her last night that nothing will happen to her if anything did happen to her or to Storm I don't think I could bear it.

I would ask you to watch over them and keep them all safe but since we don't believe that, you know I can't ask you that... I can only hope and pray I see you again and that in the meantime, that you sleep well.

I had wanted them to tell you something for me before they cremated you but I didn't get the chance. Jaret didn't tell me they were going to do it on Thursday night. When I called and spoke to him Friday morning he said it had already been done.. so I am going to say it here so at least I know it was said. I wish I could have been there and at least held your hand one last time and told you how much I love you and how much I will miss seeing you the rest of my life. To hear your voice or see your smile or feel your hugs. I wanted them to tell you how much I love you and that I will always love you.. and I am sorry I couldn't bring you home any other way then to have them cremate you, I wouldn't have done that to you if there would have been any other way.

But, I guess in a way it is a good thing since so many people are wanting a piece of you. Just know that the best of you will come home to be with me and I will keep that part of you safe for as long as I can. When I am gone Sissy and Storm can watch over you and I am sure they will take good care of you. Even Loralei will have part of you to keep with her all the years she is growing up.. You won't ever get to know her like the rest of us will but Sissy will tell her all about her Uncle Cody and the memories she has of you.

Takoda too will have you in a Teddy bear so you can be with him too while he is growing up. Beverlee doesn't have a lot of memories of you like the rest of us do but as long as we can be in his life we will share the ones we have with him.

Well I just got Storm out of bed he did like you and stayed up all night playing. Sending him down for some papers. He wasn't too happy but then I did warn him I was getting him up early today. I need to get some things done in the back yard and some more of all that we cut down last spring burned before I have a jungle again back there like last year.

I love you Cody and I miss you so much.. Sleep well my son - Mom

The Night You Left

I had just woke up from a early evening nap is how I guess you could describe it.. I had fallen asleep around 7pm and woke up a bit before or around 11pm. I said well shoot let me jump on my facebook and do my farms and such.. I was busy breeding horses to give away when the phone rang. It was from your girlfriend Jessica.. It seemed a little odd to me as she had never called me before.. but I thought maybe she needed to talk or something.

She tells me I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I don't know how to tell you this but your son is dead. You talk about something so surreal.. I was like no .. no .. what happened.. she said he was in a car accident.. I am here it happened about 30 mins ago.. Police and paramedics are here right now.. I asked to talk to one of them and she tried to put on one.. I was still hoping beyond hope she was wrong that it was all a lie.. that someone made a mistake.. this couldn't be true.. you are only 24 years old.. someone had to be playing a joke on me something..

She told me they said they would call me when they could she gave them my number. I hung up and I was stunned I couldn't do anything, nothing.. I ran into Storm's room and I woke him up and was like Cody is dead.. And then I just started screaming NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.. I called my mom and told her and then I called my daughter, his older sister and told her... then I called his grandfather and told him.. then I called his girlfriend back and asked her if they could talk to me yet.. I wanted to know what happened how did my baby die.. why was he dead.. it wasn't real I must still be sleeping and this is some horrid wicked nightmare I will wake up from soon I hope.. I couldn't stop crying I was hurting so bad.. I started calling friends I needed someone to help me cope with the pain..

Tell me it was a joke it couldn't be real.. this can't be happening again.. why you.. you are so young, have your whole life ahead of you yet.. Marriage, Children to raise.. a life to live.. still be son.. watch me grow old be there when I die.. You are my son after all children are not supposed to go before their children..

God hated me, someone hated me to take another son from me.. It wasn't fair my God it just isn't fair that I lose another one now.. and you after having you for only a short time.. 24 years is not long enough.. and I never got to see you again.. You were supposed to come home for my birthday but you didn't make it..

Now I will never get to see you again or hug you or tell you I love you to your face.. Or see that kooky grin you have that can make me grin no matter how angry you can make me sometimes when you do something you shouldn't have.  I look around this house now and I can see you come to my bedroom doorway and stand there messing around with some spot on your arm.. or flopping down on my bed to see what I am watching or to come in here and pester me or just to hang out for a few minutes..

Or how about on a Saturday or Sunday morning when Storm would still be sleeping and you had been up all night playing on your computer and found some new game or some new thing you wanted to show him.. And you would start to pull his feet, yank the covers off of him and tell him to get up.. come here .. I want to show you something.. and I would tell you to leave him alone let him sleep.. and you would say no.. I want him to come here.. and poor Storm he would finally get up and go in the bedroom you guys shared and then I wouldn't see either one of you the rest of the day..

I don't know how to cope with all this, I still can't believe you will never be coming home again.. Yet I know it's true, I just don't want it to be. I start thinking of you and the sobs just start and then I can't quit.

I didn't eat until Tuesday, everything tasted like sawdust to me.. You know I talked to your dad on Saturday the morning after you left.. I know you loved him Cody but he hurt you so bad your whole life.. I didn't want to hear about his pain.. what about all the pain he gave you all your life.. I am sorry that wouldn't have made you too happy I guess because you loved him but I have yet to be able to forgive him for all the pain he has caused you all these years.. I know how very badly he hurt you the last time he was here.. when he came with Andrew.. I was there remember? went into your room and tried to talk to you and you were so upset you wouldn't talk.. just told me to go away.. I tried but you wanted no part of anyone.. wouldn't talk to anyone.. It was days before you were back to your old self.

I talked to Pa too that didn't go to well either.. I am sorry you never got to talk to him before you left us.. Sorry he didn't ever call you back after you left him that message.. He said he figured you wanted money.. but well you did use to get money from him a lot, but he should have called you back.. I don't think you had talked to him since you moved to Omaha last summer.

I still don't sleep much and now I am addicted totally to facebook pages in case I miss something someone might have posted on their wall about you and I missed it. Ross is really upset Stephen said, he is having a really hard time coping with all this. I haven't talked to him at all yet, but I will next Sunday.

I haven't heard from your aunt vicki or megan not sure what is going on with them, but then they never have been a real part of our lives anyway especially since Granny passed away. Although you did try and still be a part of their lives and went out of your way to do so.. After Sunday I doubt I will ever hear from any of the family on your dads side again ever.. With you gone now there is no need to keep in touch anymore.

When the police man finally called me and told me it was true.. I just wanted to die.. It just confirmed what I hadn't wanted to hear.. When I had talked to Omi she kept saying how do they know for sure.. maybe he isn't and I so wanted to believe what she wanted to believe but Jessica was there and she had told me you were gone.. She had watched you hit that pole.. ran to the car and the engine was still running and you were all broken..

It was days later I was told about Justin standing up in your car up through the sunroof and flying out when you lost control the first time but seemed to have it under control again then swerved to miss him and lost control again and hit that pole..

Why did you always have to drive so fast? you would have gotten to the same place anyway even if you weren't driving so fast. I always told you to drive like I did.. but you would only say "Yes Mom" and I guess you just never listened to me.. I just hope you didn't see it coming.. didn't feel a thing.. just went to sleep for now.. I couldn't bear it if I knew anything differently.. I just hope you were happy at the end that you were having the time of your life..

I will write more late this is getting really hard for me now.. Just know Cody I loved you very very much.. I always did no matter what.. and I will always love you.. I will miss hear your voice and talking to you or even seeing you again in this life... But hopefully we will see each other again at the second coming and both go with Jesus.. Sleep well my son until that day....

The "Kitty Toilet Trainer"

One of the last times I talked to Cody I told him that I was buying a toilet trainer for our 2 cats. He just started cracking up and I could hear him telling people in the room with him about it.  He was like mom that isn't going to work. I said well I saw them using it on a show on Animal Planet and they were training some 7 year old cat to use it so it should work for our cats. They aren't that old.

Well he passed away before I ever received it in the mail. When it arrived that Monday morning after his passing I just thought to myself wow, I am never going to be able to tell him about this. When my younger son came home from school that afternoon we removed the kitty box from the bathroom and put the trainer on the toilet seat. Then we retrieved both the cats and showed them where their new litter box was.. On the toilet seat. Well a little while later Oreo the younger of the two, who is not quite a year old used it no problem.

The first thing that popped into my head was I wanted to call Cody to tell him it was working.. But, I couldn't.. Not anymore..

He would have loved it.. Would have made me stand there by the bathroom waiting for them to use it again and take a picture to send it to him!  Well Oreo has no problem but our oldest cat Nut/Dinky he gets called both names, seems adverse to using it.. I keep telling him I guess I have to put him on a diet so he can get his fat butt up there.

I do sure miss telling you all this Cody I know you would have loved it and gotten a real kick out of it.. I still can't believe you are gone it's been a week and it still isn't sinking in for me.. I still so want to wake up from this horrible nightmare I am in..