You have been gone a week

It's been a week now since you left us.This entire week has been just like being in a bad dream you can't wake up from.. Saturday Omi came over, and Beverlee brought Takoda down so we could meet him for the first time. He looks so much like you did at that age.. You know when we have your Celebration Cody, he will be having his 6 month birthday. I didn't do too well last Saturday at all. Edith called me and so did Dale even. I know they both knew how I felt since they had been through this before with me with "Little" Dale years ago. They could understand the pain I was feeling.

Storm doesn't say much Cody and I am worried about that. I really don't know what he is feeling about all this. Only Elysia has called him last Saturday. Ann the lady that bought the house next door was as upset as we are even though she never got to meet you. She said she knows Storm and she knows me and that you had to have been someone special. I know you are someone special.. You are special and the hole that has been created with you leaving us is tremendous. I just so wanted it all to be a dream. I talked to the coroner in the afternoon. I really don't remember the conversation anymore I think I must have blocked it all out. I know your sister talked to them as well. But she said she asked a lot of questions so she really knows more then I do. I told her I don't want to really know more then I need to know and that I only wanted to know that you didn't suffer. That to me is the most important thing that you never felt anything Cody. If for one minute I knew you felt any pain I don't think I could bear that.

You felt so much pain in the short amount of time you were here that if you did when you left that wouldn't be fair. You didn't deserve that.

Sunday really didn't get much better and the calls only kept confirming that it was all true. I woke up around 6 am on Sunday and the day just kept getting worse and worse. I talk to Brandy a lot right now and she has been a rock. We talked a lot before but she has been calling me a lot each day and we share memories and try and work our way through all this.

On Monday I called your insurance company that you had for the car. James is such a nice man and really sympathized with all we are going through. I gave sissy his name and number and everything and she is the one that really communicated with him after Monday. I worked with Chris the gentleman that is handling all the medical part of your policy and he too, like James is extremely nice. He is working with me to help me get all the arrangements completed.. A task I should never have been doing.. Your wife someday should have been doing all this or maybe your children Cody, but not me, not your mother.

I think it was Monday night or Tuesday night I am not sure that Jacob finally called Storm. Storm said it lasted all of about 30 seconds. That his other brothers can't even spare 5 minutes to call him and see how he is doing through all this is just amazing to me. If it would have been one of them and not you, I know you would have been there for him. Calling him every day to check on him and see how he was doing.

Tuesday was when I could finally try and start to get things done for you. I found the mortuary for you and I am working with a man named Jaret. He has been very helpful through all this. It just keeps getting harder as I make all these arrangements and I feel like I am just in this living nightmare that is never going to end. It still isn't real to me even though I making all these plans and all these arrangements for you.

I really wanted to bring you home long before you will be here, but Jessica requested that she bring you home. I told her that she could. Jessica's mom, Tess set up a Remembrance for you to be held on Thursday evening at her church. I wish I could have been there to see all the friends you made out there in Omaha, and all the lives you touched. I think it was Monday night as well that I found the link for the newscast they played in Omaha on Saturday of what happened to you.

Sissy and I and lots of your other friends and family have been posting it on our FaceBook pages to let other people know what happened to you. We are hoping that it will help other drivers to think when they step behind the wheel to slow down. If only one person slows down and saves their life or someone else's then you didn't leave us for no reason. Maybe lessons can be learned through all this grief the rest of us are feeling and working through.

I haven't talked to Pa since Saturday I just have Omi call him now. I am sorry Cody but I can't handle your Pa never could really after we moved back here from California and Granny died. He never really has anything nice to say to me anymore just accusations and not so very nice things. And of course I told you I haven't heard from Vicki or Megan at all. Although Megan requested friends on Facebook I haven't heard a word from her not even a not on my wall.  I did read her's though and I was so shocked to read what she had written about you.

She wrote on her wall last Saturday: Please pray for my family, my cousin got into a wreck and died - not even your name :( I was like seriously? We lived with Granny and Pa almost 2 years when we moved back here from California in the basement she saw you almost every day. And when we lived here in Tennessee in the early 90's she saw you all the time. And the summers when you came out to visit and she couldn't even put in your name. She hasn't posted anything about you since except to find a link here or there on someone's page and click like other then that she doesn't say a word..

Here the rest of us even people that only knew you a short time are posting what we are feeling on our walls and sharing our grief and our pain with others. And family doesn't say a thing.. Like I said on my wall "Blood" is not thicker then "Water" it is the other way around.

On Wednesday night I found out that we couldn't Celebrate you at Standifer Gap SDA church we would have to wait until April 3rd. I told Omi that was too long of a time to wait to do that and I would call around and find another church to have it at. I had wanted to do it there because that is where you were dedicated to the lord on January 31st, 1987. I always thought God would protect you and keep you safe from harm, but I guess that didn't happen. I don't blame God but I just don't understand why he let it happen, especially to you.  When you had so much left to do with your life, and you were finally getting all the things I had talked to you about the past few years.

Thursday morning I called the Collegedale church and that is where we are going to have it. They were so nice and helpful. Paster Tim Cross will be there next Sunday, I have not met with him but he has been very nice the couple of times I have talked to him. Debbie, one of the ladies that works there gave me the name of a florist to use. I am using Killian and Daisy and Jaime the gentleman there I am working with is just amazing. I explained to him the circumstances and that he would have to go through the insurance company for the payment and he was just fine with that.

When I told him about what I am doing and that I didn't want any flowers - You were not a flower person. I only wanted live plants there and when we are all done anyone that wants one can take one home with them so they can have a living reminder of you, he was blown away. He told me he had never had anyone ask for that before but he thought that just was the greatest thing ever. Even when I spoke to him again on Friday he said he had not talked to Chris yet but for me not to worry everything I wanted would be there next Sunday just like I wanted.

Jaret is handling the booklet for me and he is mailing that them to me on Monday. I think you would have liked what I came up with for you. Today here and in Port Charlotte your obituary is in the paper. I had them post it for Sunday and Monday in both places. You had friends in Florida as well and we lived there a long time before leaving there. I talked to Steven yesterday and he said he was getting a paper and having it laminated. He wants to get a hood ornament as well he said made special just for you to put on the front of his car, to remember you by.

A week has passed but it hasn't lessoned any of the pain I feel or mended any of my broken heart. My life has just a little less light then had before. Yes, I still have Sissy and Storm, and of course Omi, but our family has shrunken yet again. Storm said he hopes it doesn't shrink anymore anytime soon. I agree with him. After all we have been through this past week it made Sissy decide to make a will. I told her last night that nothing will happen to her if anything did happen to her or to Storm I don't think I could bear it.

I would ask you to watch over them and keep them all safe but since we don't believe that, you know I can't ask you that... I can only hope and pray I see you again and that in the meantime, that you sleep well.

I had wanted them to tell you something for me before they cremated you but I didn't get the chance. Jaret didn't tell me they were going to do it on Thursday night. When I called and spoke to him Friday morning he said it had already been done.. so I am going to say it here so at least I know it was said. I wish I could have been there and at least held your hand one last time and told you how much I love you and how much I will miss seeing you the rest of my life. To hear your voice or see your smile or feel your hugs. I wanted them to tell you how much I love you and that I will always love you.. and I am sorry I couldn't bring you home any other way then to have them cremate you, I wouldn't have done that to you if there would have been any other way.

But, I guess in a way it is a good thing since so many people are wanting a piece of you. Just know that the best of you will come home to be with me and I will keep that part of you safe for as long as I can. When I am gone Sissy and Storm can watch over you and I am sure they will take good care of you. Even Loralei will have part of you to keep with her all the years she is growing up.. You won't ever get to know her like the rest of us will but Sissy will tell her all about her Uncle Cody and the memories she has of you.

Takoda too will have you in a Teddy bear so you can be with him too while he is growing up. Beverlee doesn't have a lot of memories of you like the rest of us do but as long as we can be in his life we will share the ones we have with him.

Well I just got Storm out of bed he did like you and stayed up all night playing. Sending him down for some papers. He wasn't too happy but then I did warn him I was getting him up early today. I need to get some things done in the back yard and some more of all that we cut down last spring burned before I have a jungle again back there like last year.

I love you Cody and I miss you so much.. Sleep well my son - Mom