I put Leesa on my computer in the bedroom the black one.. and she worked on the PowerPoint and put all the music back into it for us.. I went in and watched it with her.. and cried again of course.. She just did such a wonderful job of that for us.. I played the song video for the kids and most of them cried watching it.. especially Jess.. They all really miss you so much Cody and they have been just awesome for Brandy and I, you really touched their lives Cody..
It was around 5 or 6 am and I had to get some sleep so I crawled into bed with Loralei, Brandy was still out here with the others putting on the Iron on's on the back of the shirts.. Taylor and Jess were still working on the collages with all your pictures..
We had planned on going out to the Golden Corral for the breakfast bar Sunday morning.. Beverlee and John showed up with Takoda about 9:30 or around there and Kelli was not far behind them.. We got up late and talking and meeting everyone we sort of missed the end time for the Golden Corral.. so we had to look for someplace else to eat.. They wanted to go to a Waffle House since you used to talk about it so much but we couldn't find one that had enough seats for everyone to sit so they ended up at Shoney's.
I had Brandy take me to the church instead as it was already 12:30. It was a good thing I did as we had a hard time locating the Chapel no one was really there to direct us.. We had to find the screen and the projector as well and have it taken up to the room.. Then had to find someone to help us set that up.. Your aunt Vicki came into the room while Brandy and I were setting up the arrangement of plants on the alcove area behind the podium.. Uncle Eddie was with her he came and gave me hug.. Vicki only talked to Brandy.. I guess I must have been invisible.. oh well... it is what it is..
Then Brandy had to run back up to Wal-Mart there in Ooltewah there on the Little Debbie Parkway.. we still didn't have a tri-pod for the camera.. and it was a good thing she had to go as there were no speakers either in the room for the sound.. so I had her get a pair of speakers for the computer as well. The Pastor came in and he helped me get the visual stuff set up.. By this time people were already coming there..
Some I recognized others I didn't, a lot of Granny's sisters came from West Tennessee.. and a lot that had known you when you were little and we had just moved back here from New Jersey. Even Jack came and I hadn't seen him since your dad and I were together way back when.. He said the last time he had seen you was when you were about 11 or so and had come here to visit once when we lived out in California..
Brandy got back a little bit after 3 and had to get the camera set up and the Pastor and I set up the speakers. Sissy had to walk out about half-way through the presentation and didn't come back until after I had spoken.. Stephen was there and he spoke and he was pretty tore up.. Ross didn't come, he told Stephen he just couldn't bear to see you like that.. I can understand that.. You and Ross were close like you and Stephen and we all take things differently.. The 3 of you were like the 3 musketeers always palling around together and doing stupid crazy stuff sometimes... I can still see you guys all over the house playing EQ on the computers at the house and sleeping on the couches and the floors for days.. You guys were part of the fixtures there..
It was hard on everyone there, Sissy gave your dad the necklace with you inside and I gave the ones for Katy, Andrew, Sissy, Storm, Beverlee and Kelli.. I hope they all keep you safe and close to them.. I know how important all of them were to you.. I had wanted to give Omi your blanket but we didn't get that back yet, not sure if we will but I am hopeful she will return it.. I told Omi Sunday night about it since you loved it so dearly because she had given that to you when we still lived in CA. That where ever you went that blanket went too.. It has been all over hasn't it? even to Hawaii!.. Omi didn't want any ashes and I thought it was fitting to give her what she had given you and the heart and love you put into that blanket because that was something Omi had given you.
I had a hard time with the presentation and of course the song I lost it.. on that as well.. I think you would have liked what I wrote for you... and the memories I shared with them of you and what I thought about you.. I think I have told you all those things many times before but maybe you just never thought about those times we had those talks too much.. When Stephen told me a few days ago or so before the service that you had told him once that you wished I would just tell you I love you.. I was like wow.. I told you I loved you many times not just in words but in actions.. The talks when I told you how proud I was of you and much you meant to me.. but I think when a person is still around you do think of the not so good times a lot and really don't think so much about the good times or good things as much..But once someone is not around anymore to actually talk to or see.. then you start just remembering all the good and the bad just fades into oblivion somewhere...
I still remember both.. but I always forgot the other because I love you and I am your mom and I know the reasons behind it all.. and I understood the reasons... so for me it didn't matter really.. at the time of it yes, but not later... I didn't dwell on it..
I couldn't bring myself to give your dad his necklace I had to have Brandy do it.. Omi did the the final scripture and prayer.. and you would have laughed, Cody.. Only Omi could turn that into a small sermon.. so typical of her :).. After I told everyone the plants in the back were for those that wanted one to take home with and remember you by they for them. All the plants found homes Cody so many will always remember you when they look at them later.. even the baskets found homes.. The piece that Jaime made for your urn granny's sisters took back to west Tennessee to put on Granny's grave.. so that was fitting Cody.. I know you would have liked that !
So many thoughts and feelings going through me right now.. just everything and I can't bear it.. I am alone in the house, I keep you near me.. you are in the spot next to me at night in bed and here by me now as I write this...
After the service we took pictures of all of us together.. the kids had to leave and couldn't go with us to eat at Cracker Barrel afterwards.. They all had to be home for things on Monday morning.. There was someone out in the parking lot while we were still there waiting for everyone to be ready to leave.. and Brandy and Kelli were taking pictures of you in the piece that Jaime made with your hat on the top of it, when a red sporty car backed up fast did a 360 in the parking lot then sped off.. we don't know who that was.. but we feel who ever did it, was doing it in honor of you.. because that is exactly something you would do..
Then we all headed out to the Cracker Barrel.. they had reserved 2 center tables for us there with plenty of seating for all.. It was Beverlee, Takoda, John, Kelli, Fanny and her boys, Sam and David, Storm, Brandy, Loralei, Stephen, your dad, Katy, Andrew and myself. We had you on the table with us with your favorite hat on.. and we all enjoyed a meal together talking about you and reliving memories.. You would have liked that.. I wish that Nick, Jess, Taylor, Leesa, Matt, and Nicks mom Janice could have all been there as well. But, I understand why they had to leave when they did and they had a long ride home.
Kelli came and spent the night at the house that night.. We went through the things that Nick was given to bring us.. of course there was a lot that we didn't get.. all those games in the boxes you used to drag around with you all over the place.. we only got 2 of those back.. and even the game you just had bought and was the last thing you and Storm and you talked about we didn't get back.. there was only one hoodie the one Kelli gave you... 5 bags of clothes turned into one small garbage bag with shirts and a small duffle suitcase of some pants 2 pairs of shoes and some underwear.. even the shirt you had on in so many pictures was missing as were some of the others.. Sissy gave the red polo to your dad that you were wearing in a couple of your pictures..
I don't know, the son I watched leave this house was alive and full of life and now to just get back a few things here and there of what and who you were.. is unfathomable I still can't take it all in.. I talk to you sitting here.. and it is still so all unreal to me.. I want to just believe you are on a long vacation somewhere and then all of a sudden your call will come on my phone or you will pull up in the yard and there you will be!! I picture you so full of life in my mind and I can see you so clearly almost like I could reach out and touch you...
I get so upset and so stressed and I know China can feel it.. she just follows me all over the house when ever I get up to go to another room.. And you know Mojo as hard headed and stubborn as you.. he still won't house train thanks to your bright idea of the puppy pads and my bathroom carpets looking like one.. I still have to get the rest of the back yard finished up and fenced in.. but now we have been having lots of rain again :( I have more to write but I will put that into it's proper blog title for you...
Just know that we all talked a long time on Sunday night and thought about you and relived memories of you and comforted each other and were there for each other.. And no I will never tell Kelli what you used to tell me that wouldn't be fair to her or to you.. I don't know why you used to say that to me but I don't believe it for one minute and never did that it was true.. I think you did it for the reasons I think you did and nothing more.. Just know that I love you and I miss you and I don''t know when I can think about things without crying or feeling the pain I do now.. maybe someday.. just not today..
I love you and I miss you Cody.. so so so very very much - Sleep well my son - mom
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