Sissy's First Day Home

Sissy got here about 1 in the afternoon. It was good to see her again.. I could see the pain in her face when I went out to meet her at the van.. We gave each other a hug and held each other a few minutes.. It was hard to hold back the tears. Neither of us ever thought the next time we saw each other would be because you were no longer a part of our lives.. I went around to where Loralei was in her car seat.. Wow she has gotten so, so big.. And she sure is a cutie.. She's a happy baby like you were. She is always laughing and smiling.. China and Oreo even came to tell her hi. She tries to call China pup pup.. and she was constantly trying to touch her and to touch Oreo when they got close to her..

Even Stormie held her off and on... Our first stop was at Big Lots needed to get a few more pillows and another blanket so when all the kids get here tomorrow evening I can make sure I have enough of everything for all of them. Then we headed over to the Rent a Center to get a video camera for Sunday..

Well I lost the electric bill because it came like on Friday before you had your accident and I have no clue what I did with it.. so we had to go to the electric company there on the other side of Walmart - as we were driving there and we passed O'Charley's Sissy said that is where we dropped him off to work when I was here last year.. and I said yep it sure is and we were both real quiet .. thinking about that day when we did that.. You were all dressed up in your work clothes and we said we would see you later.. On our way back up towards Lowe's we passed the store Sissy, Omi and I went to later in the day and talked about that.. after we stopped for something to eat and were headed back to the house as we passed all the places along the way where you and her had stopped at for food or whatever we talked about that.. It was just so hard thinking about the fact you won't ever be going to any of those places ever again..

Sissy said boy that boy could pack away some food! Storm and I wholeheartedly agreed.. we reminisced about all the times when we first moved here and were still living in Pa and Granny's basement how Pa would show up down there with a huge sack full of Crystal's for you and you would wolf all 20 of those down in no time..

I told Sissy about all the places along Battlefield Parkway you had worked in the years we have lived here in the area.. There were quite a few - Little Caesar's, The Donut Palace, Wendy's, O'Charley's I might even be missing a few..

Sissy and Stormie dropped me off at the house and they went over to Pa's, they were there for about 3 or 4 hours I guess. In the meantime I got a little bit of sleep. When I woke up they were still not here, and I had bought a few more picture frames for all the frames that were ruined on the moves and I had yet to replace. As I was going through pictures it just flooded me with all kinds of memories through the years.. I just still can't believe it.. That I will never ever see you again.. in this lifetime anyway.. hopefully I will when Jesus comes again but only he knows that.

I was lying here in bed this morning since it is real early -  and just thinking about you and missing you so much.. It is like I told Kelli a few days ago, when you know you will see that person again you don't worry that you don't talk to them every day because they are just a phone call away or an email or something like that. But you don't feel sad or upset if you don't talk to them every day or even once a week sometimes depending on who or what they are/mean to you. But when something like this happens and the knowledge hits you full force that never ever will you hear from them again or see them again the pain is just excruciating.. Because it hits you with such force that is a forever thing, it isn't just for a day or two or a week or a month but forever.. when I was little and I used to think of space and tried to wrap my mind around the fact that it went on to infinity.. It made me scared, I mean really scared, I don't know why but it did.. I guess because my mind just can't comprehend something that has no end.. because we are used to a start and a finish point for whatever it is.. but with space and infinity there is no ending ever.. And I guess that is how I feel now because there is no end to the fact that I won't ever see you again and hear you or touch you.. I guess I just don't want to let my mind wrap around that fact or it doesn't want to.. I don't have the same sense of loss with you like I did with little Dale.. with him my arms felt empty and useless and there is the same hole in my heart and all of that but the loss with you is shaking me to the core of me. It just runs through me like no way I can really explain.

I sit here in my room day after day the past two weeks and I go through all in my head about all the things through all the years and how could I have done things differently or what if I had done this instead of that or how could I have changed something to possibly have created a different outcome of what has happened.. And I just don't have the answers but I feel if I had done some things differently maybe or pushed harder or said more maybe the outcome would have been different..

I read on someone's wall early yesterday morning a conversation between the kid in the car with you that night and another person and I got so sick to my stomach reading the plans for that night and what the two of them said about you, and what was said the night it all happened or the night before.. And Cody I know you were having fun your way but I wonder if sometimes just to make other people happy or whatever you didn't push that envelope just a little to hard..

Maybe you would still be here.. Maybe we would have had more time with you.. I don't know the answer to those questions but I would hope the answer was yes to them all. As I sit here typing this with all the emotions flooding through me and the tears streaming down my face.. just missing you so much, wanting one more conversation, one more I love you mom.. I pray that I never ever ever ever have to ever go through this again ever..

I love you very much Cody and I miss you so very much the pain is indescribable  - sleep well my son - mom