Sissy

Sissy and I were talking and I was telling her I remember how the two of you used to fight like cats and dogs.  I was amazed that with the 6 year age difference between the 2 of you that you fought as much as you did.... but then it was the same way with you and Storm and that was a 9 year age difference...

I asked her if she remembered how you two would fight in the back seat when I would be driving somewhere and I would yell back at you two to cut it out.. and she said yep.. and if you two didn't stop it I would stop the car and whoop your butts.. and you guys would quit for about 2 mins then right back at it again.. so I would stop the car..

She was remembering the times she used to wrestle with you and headlock you and give you nuggies on the top of your head.. Oh man did you hate that.. and she would tickle you too... The two of you were something else.. If I remember right there used to be red bellies in there somewhere too.

You were my blonde haired, blue eyed tanned little boy.. just what every girl would dream of in a typical beach bum.. you loved the water and the beach and when we were there you spent every minute down at the water. I wish I could take us all back to that time.. back before you grew up, when you were still little.. such an innocent little boy with no cares no worries and a future of full of possibilities.

You were something else.. sissy would tell me things you did and I would well he's younger then you are.. I know life wasn't peaches and cream for us but we didn't do too badly for the most part, I don't think.

It was just the two of us when we first moved to California and it was just the two of us in Tennessee as well for some of the time we were there.. so I know you got real used to having me all to yourself.. it was hard for you when you had to share again. I always tried to do what was right for you and Sissy.. and to take you guys and your feelings into consideration with the decisions I made..

I know it was hard for you when we lived in California to not have Sissy there all the time and it was basically you all alone and the other 3 were hard on you because they weren't blood related to you. But I tried to always watch out for you and make sure you were being treated fairly but sometimes I know it didn't happen. No matter all the arguments I had to try and make it so. I wanted us all to be a family and to all be happy together.. When Sissy finally came for good I hoped it would finally happen but it didn't and that is when I just knew it was time to give up. By then you were a teenager and well you weren't that little boy anymore.. you were growing up and going through that rebellious age.. but I gave you the choice where to go and you picked here.. so here is where we ended up and here is where I will stay.. Here is where you will be soon..

I hear the pain in Sissy when I talk to her on the phone, I know she is suffering too very badly and is trying to be so brave about it for me.. because I know she is worried about me and I know Storm is too.. she told me that Storm was worried I would do something.. But you know I won't.. I didn't raise any of you to be weak but to be strong and independent and to fight with everything you have for what you want and for what you think is right. I taught you all to stand up for yourself and not let people railroad you or do anything you didn't want to do.. I didn't raise weaklings but strong independent young adults..

None of you follow the crowd or succumb to peer pressure.. you have your own minds and do your own thing not what others want you to do.. All three of you I am so proud of you and proud to be your mother.. And Storm will make you proud of him too one day when he is all grown up.. Sissy and I are so proud of you and all the things we have been learning about you while you were gone.. I just wish we could have been able to tell you that, it would have made you so happy. You never talk about things that are going on with you that you are dealing with, you always kept a lot of things to yourself. Either to not let me worry or to not upset me or to protect me or whatever the reason. But you never tried to make me feel sorry for you or anything you always tried to work things out on your own when you could.

I know you listened to me when I talked to you about things. Maybe not right then but I know you took things to heart. Rehashed it in your brain later.. I don't think you ever wanted to tell me I was right about anything just because :)  but then I understand that.. I wouldn't have wanted to admit to Omi she was right about something either when I was your age. There is a time when every parent has to let their kids go and just let them make their mistakes on their own.. and I tried hard to not interfere with your life and let you learn things on your own and make your own mistakes so you would learn from them and become a better person from it.

Cody I know you were and you were working things out for yourself. I am just sad that you weren't able to finish the things you had started.. Or to realize the dreams and plans you were making.. Just like I never dreamed I would be writing all this down and that I would never see you again. I have never done this before and never thought I would or could.. but I am trying to find my way through all this and you know me.. "The Hermit" Other then Sissy and Storm no one really to talk to. Omi is there but you know how that goes :)

Sissy is doing so much for you right now.. She hasn't been getting much sleep either. It is hard for her out there alone away from everyone here as well I am sure and her dad and other family. But we had a laugh over remembering things tonight about you. It made us both feel a little better to remember something about you together and laugh about it. We talk about you a lot. You probably wouldn't like that too much but what can you expect! I guess we have to start thinking of this like you are on a long vacation and have no cell service, no internet, no mail. But what I wouldn't do to answer the phone and hear you on the other end of it in your happy voice.. I was just thinking about the last time "All" of us were together and I had made Cottage Cheese Loaf and that Shepherd's Pie you liked as well I make and were all together.. You, Sissy, Storm, Omi, Chris, Loralei and myself.. I wish I could roll the clock back to then and just have that time back again if even for just one minute.. Oh and you guys all worked in the front yard that day.. Sissy had the time of her life with my weed eater! I wish you could have gone to the Aquarium with us that day when we went. We were so happy to all be together again even though it was only for a few days and to meet Chris and to see Loralei! I know you and Chris hit it off.

All the regrets, all the unspoken things we never got to say... Each of us trying to overcome our own demons in all this.. I think it will take some of us a long time to come to terms with all this.. Some much longer then others and some maybe never..

I sit here all hours of the night every night with just thoughts rolling around and around in my head. I actually have slept the past 36 hours a bit more.. I think my body is rebelling on the lack of sleep and food and trying to recover some. I have been trying but it has not been easy.. I know I have to stay healthy for Storm. He needs me still. Sissy has been so busy like I said just getting stuff for Sunday that I don't think she has had much breathing room herself. She told me today or maybe last night that she really thinks you would like what I have done.. I really hope so.. It's all about you right now.. it isn't about us, just about you and to Celebrate the fact that you were a part of our lives even though it wasn't long enough. Sissy loves you very much and I know she misses you.. You would like all the things she is doing and has come up with..

You will be home soon where you belong I promise... We will all be together again as well even though it is only for a few days but we will be. We will remember all the good times and the happy times we had with you. The tears we shared and the laughter we shared.. But we will remember you and we will Celebrate your life Cody and the fact that we were a part of your life and that you were a member of our family. This is your time and only yours and all about you and just about you.

I will talk to you again soon.. I am going to lie down now and try and relax a little bit and calm my mind.. I love you very much.. Sleep well my son - mom