Midnight

I am sitting here on the couch.. the TV is on but silent like I have been having it now for over 2 weeks.. not really watching anything or even listening to anything... it's just pictures either across from me or next to me if I am in the bedroom.. I can't find anything good anymore.. I don't really want to watch anything anymore because you can't and maybe it makes me feel bad.. I don't want to find enjoyment out of anything anymore right now..

I am sitting here and I looked at the urn on the coffee table that holds what is supposed to be you in there.. and I just think Cody that is supposed to be you in there.. and I shake my head because I just can't envision it.. Like I picture you standing behind it as you and I don't want to believe.. I can't believe.. Storm came home from school today and he saw you sitting here on the coffee table with me and he said "Mom I saw you slept with him last night in the bed" and I said "Yes, I did" I put you in the middle just like you always liked it.. between where Storm slept and where I slept..

The items the kids brought back of yours from Omaha are sitting here in the living room as well. One small garbage bag of shirts and that black duffle/suitcase thing that only had some pants and 2 pairs of shoes and some underwear in it.. and a crate with some papers.. I remember when you left my couch was full of your stuff you took with you.. where it all went I have no idea.. there aren't even shirts in there you wore when you were here and I know you still must have had them.. 5 garbage bags of clothes I was told you had turned into not even 2.. Sissy gave your dad the red polo you wore in some of your pictures.. I had wanted to keep that but.. it was given away before I could give my input on it.. Even your blue one that you had on in the pictures we took last April wasn't there or your white one.. or the one Kelli gave you that you wore in so many of your pictures.. I saw you still had the blue one as you were wearing it in the pictures that were taken when you went to South Dakota..

I don't understand how some people can be the way they are.. you will be a fading memory in a few months for them and for me you will never fade from my memory.. the few months you were living in their house is nothing compared to the 24 years you lived in mine..

As I look around my home and my walls and the book cases.. as you know I always have so many pictures of all of you in all phases of your lives.. I still have the signed baseballs from your years in the pony baseball league.. I still even have the banner I made for your team the first year you played out there.. you used to wonder why I hung on to it all these years.. but it was because I made it for "Your" team it has your name on it not just your teammates names.. Yes you were only 7 when I was the team mom for your team that year.. but it was your team!

i wish I could have done better by you all these years, have given you a better home, a better blended family and things would have been better for you.. but you never complained about any of that... made your dad be the dad you should have had or even made me a better mom or someone better you wanted me to be..

Maybe then you wouldn't have been such a risk taker so needing of excitement and been the way you were when you drove... to compensate for things that were lacking in your life.. Kelli called me and she was worried about what I wrote earlier.. that is a secret between you and I .. and wasn't really about her it was just something you did to me but in a sense you used her.. I know you never meant it and I know you weren't trying to be mean.. I know all about it.. I never told you that though.. maybe you knew, maybe you didn't.. it really doesn't matter either way.. it was what it was and that is all..

I want to pick up my phone so badly right now and call you.. hoping you will pick up on the other end.. I wish I would have called you that Friday in the day time.. wish something would have warned me or sent warning signals to my brain that day.. maybe I woke up that night at just the time it happened as I was not up very long when the phone call came in.. maybe that is what woke me up but I just didn't know what it was at the time it did..

I am told you are gone, everything points to the fact, I have all the proof of it.. but I still can't/won't believe it.. Even the one person I considered to be my best friend I had only responded to an email 2 weeks ago said he was going to call and never has called me.. I hate dumping all my sadness, grief and my feelings on Sissy she is trying so hard to deal with all this herself.. and Storm well I try and not let him see how hard this has been effecting me at all.. I need to stay strong for so many people and I can't even stay strong for myself.. I want to go to the kitchen so badly some nights and pour myself a really stiff drink and just forget all about all of this.. but I can't do it.. I have to stay strong.. I keep telling myself that..

I don't have the friends you did Cody.. you above anyone know that.. as you used to call me "The Hermit" I admit I have stayed that way for the last 10 years.. but I just wanted to be around for you 2 you deserved that both of you.. not some jerk off guy making either of your lives miserable.. I learned that in the past years before we moved back here.. I thought I was doing the right thing for you and I wanted so much for you to have a happy home life and it didn't work out.. and I am truly sorry for that.. and I am sorry you had to put up with it again when we went down to Florida a few years ago.. when you sat in the middle and tried to have a conversation with us and you were put down for it.. I did stick up for you yet again, but as usual it never helped..

I wanted life to be better for you then it was for me when I was growing up... but, I failed in that.. I failed ever after we moved back here.. because I couldn't fix things for you or make them better.. no matter all the things I said to you they didn't help because the one place you wanted to be accepted and loved never happened for you..

I remember so may conversations with you.. where I told you how proud I was of you and how proud you made me in all the things you did and how smart you were and things you were accomplishing.. I also knew that you had decisions to make and you had to make those on your own without me badgering you into doing things.. I raised you right just like Brandy and Storm, you are strong and personable and independent and your own man.. and given time to think things through and analyze them you always did good and made good choices. You never let anyone push you into anything or let them lead you like some dumb animal to do things you didn't agree with.. or let them influence you.. I am so PROUD of you Cody.. I can't tell you that anymore but I am..

This is a nightmare.. can I please wake up now and it is all a lie? someone played a really cruel joke on me? Right now I truly wish I did have a significant other to hold me, hug me and help me through all this .. cus it so fucking sucks to be alone.. Other then Sissy.. who is dealing with her own demons and some of the other people who are dealing with their own sadness, aches and griefs.. it's been hard...NO, it is hard period!!!

You know they couldn't even engrave it for me :(  it just has this sticker on the bottom of it.. big ASS whoop!

And it doesn't even look anything like the picture and it has scratches all over it.. and I can't open it :( so I don't even think I can move you to something better :(

Cody I need one of your Hugs right now.. I wish I could get one!!!
Tell me it is going to be alright, tell me it is going to get better because right now I don't feel like it ever will.

You were such a big part of my life and I do mean a big part of it bigger then Brandy, because she had her family in San Diego and her husband and Loralei, and Storm his life is on track and going well for him but you, you were a big part of mine because of everything you were going through, dealing with and all your problems as well.. You had the biggest chunk of my attention and were my biggest concern.

I worried about you the most because you "needed" me the most.. Even though you were 800 miles away you still needed me the most out of you guys.. I am sorry for all you endured the past few months.. I wish you would have talked to me more, Cody..

I LOVE YOU SO VERY, VERY, MUCH & I MISS YOU HORRIBLE  - SLEEP WELL MY SON - MOM