The Night You Left

I had just woke up from a early evening nap is how I guess you could describe it.. I had fallen asleep around 7pm and woke up a bit before or around 11pm. I said well shoot let me jump on my facebook and do my farms and such.. I was busy breeding horses to give away when the phone rang. It was from your girlfriend Jessica.. It seemed a little odd to me as she had never called me before.. but I thought maybe she needed to talk or something.

She tells me I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I don't know how to tell you this but your son is dead. You talk about something so surreal.. I was like no .. no .. what happened.. she said he was in a car accident.. I am here it happened about 30 mins ago.. Police and paramedics are here right now.. I asked to talk to one of them and she tried to put on one.. I was still hoping beyond hope she was wrong that it was all a lie.. that someone made a mistake.. this couldn't be true.. you are only 24 years old.. someone had to be playing a joke on me something..

She told me they said they would call me when they could she gave them my number. I hung up and I was stunned I couldn't do anything, nothing.. I ran into Storm's room and I woke him up and was like Cody is dead.. And then I just started screaming NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.. I called my mom and told her and then I called my daughter, his older sister and told her... then I called his grandfather and told him.. then I called his girlfriend back and asked her if they could talk to me yet.. I wanted to know what happened how did my baby die.. why was he dead.. it wasn't real I must still be sleeping and this is some horrid wicked nightmare I will wake up from soon I hope.. I couldn't stop crying I was hurting so bad.. I started calling friends I needed someone to help me cope with the pain..

Tell me it was a joke it couldn't be real.. this can't be happening again.. why you.. you are so young, have your whole life ahead of you yet.. Marriage, Children to raise.. a life to live.. still be son.. watch me grow old be there when I die.. You are my son after all children are not supposed to go before their children..

God hated me, someone hated me to take another son from me.. It wasn't fair my God it just isn't fair that I lose another one now.. and you after having you for only a short time.. 24 years is not long enough.. and I never got to see you again.. You were supposed to come home for my birthday but you didn't make it..

Now I will never get to see you again or hug you or tell you I love you to your face.. Or see that kooky grin you have that can make me grin no matter how angry you can make me sometimes when you do something you shouldn't have.  I look around this house now and I can see you come to my bedroom doorway and stand there messing around with some spot on your arm.. or flopping down on my bed to see what I am watching or to come in here and pester me or just to hang out for a few minutes..

Or how about on a Saturday or Sunday morning when Storm would still be sleeping and you had been up all night playing on your computer and found some new game or some new thing you wanted to show him.. And you would start to pull his feet, yank the covers off of him and tell him to get up.. come here .. I want to show you something.. and I would tell you to leave him alone let him sleep.. and you would say no.. I want him to come here.. and poor Storm he would finally get up and go in the bedroom you guys shared and then I wouldn't see either one of you the rest of the day..

I don't know how to cope with all this, I still can't believe you will never be coming home again.. Yet I know it's true, I just don't want it to be. I start thinking of you and the sobs just start and then I can't quit.

I didn't eat until Tuesday, everything tasted like sawdust to me.. You know I talked to your dad on Saturday the morning after you left.. I know you loved him Cody but he hurt you so bad your whole life.. I didn't want to hear about his pain.. what about all the pain he gave you all your life.. I am sorry that wouldn't have made you too happy I guess because you loved him but I have yet to be able to forgive him for all the pain he has caused you all these years.. I know how very badly he hurt you the last time he was here.. when he came with Andrew.. I was there remember? went into your room and tried to talk to you and you were so upset you wouldn't talk.. just told me to go away.. I tried but you wanted no part of anyone.. wouldn't talk to anyone.. It was days before you were back to your old self.

I talked to Pa too that didn't go to well either.. I am sorry you never got to talk to him before you left us.. Sorry he didn't ever call you back after you left him that message.. He said he figured you wanted money.. but well you did use to get money from him a lot, but he should have called you back.. I don't think you had talked to him since you moved to Omaha last summer.

I still don't sleep much and now I am addicted totally to facebook pages in case I miss something someone might have posted on their wall about you and I missed it. Ross is really upset Stephen said, he is having a really hard time coping with all this. I haven't talked to him at all yet, but I will next Sunday.

I haven't heard from your aunt vicki or megan not sure what is going on with them, but then they never have been a real part of our lives anyway especially since Granny passed away. Although you did try and still be a part of their lives and went out of your way to do so.. After Sunday I doubt I will ever hear from any of the family on your dads side again ever.. With you gone now there is no need to keep in touch anymore.

When the police man finally called me and told me it was true.. I just wanted to die.. It just confirmed what I hadn't wanted to hear.. When I had talked to Omi she kept saying how do they know for sure.. maybe he isn't and I so wanted to believe what she wanted to believe but Jessica was there and she had told me you were gone.. She had watched you hit that pole.. ran to the car and the engine was still running and you were all broken..

It was days later I was told about Justin standing up in your car up through the sunroof and flying out when you lost control the first time but seemed to have it under control again then swerved to miss him and lost control again and hit that pole..

Why did you always have to drive so fast? you would have gotten to the same place anyway even if you weren't driving so fast. I always told you to drive like I did.. but you would only say "Yes Mom" and I guess you just never listened to me.. I just hope you didn't see it coming.. didn't feel a thing.. just went to sleep for now.. I couldn't bear it if I knew anything differently.. I just hope you were happy at the end that you were having the time of your life..

I will write more late this is getting really hard for me now.. Just know Cody I loved you very very much.. I always did no matter what.. and I will always love you.. I will miss hear your voice and talking to you or even seeing you again in this life... But hopefully we will see each other again at the second coming and both go with Jesus.. Sleep well my son until that day....