Monday March 28, 2011

The next morning Omi came over early and was like everyone needed to get up we had slept long enough.. She decided to cook something for everyone to eat. Kelli stayed through with us for about an hour or so after Omi got here but she couldn't stay too long as she had to get home she had an appointment.

Had a lot of things we needed to accomplish on Monday before Sissy had to leave but time ran out so some stuff just never got completed.  Your dad called not long after Kelli left and he came over with Katy and Andrew. Sissy wanted to get the service on a DVD for him and the PP presentation we showed at your service as well. For some reason the only thing I did mange to get on DVD was what we had video taped. 

I had gone out on the porch to smoke and your dad came out there.. I told him that I hoped he did better with the 2 he had left as he didn't do right by you.  I told him I was mad at him because you never got what you so most desired out of him. How I had to pick up the pieces after the last time he had been here and so disappointed you. That it took you 2 days to get over your hurt from that. He had 2 children left and I hoped he learned something from all of this and that he give them what you never had gotten from him.

I hope he does it, I hope he learned something. Only time will tell if he has or not.. 

Andrew spent time with Storm in his room playing some games and stuff. I think it was good for them both to spend some time together.. I know you were the closest to Storm but you were close to Andrew as well. Maybe they can have some sort of a relationship although they are not brothers but are connected to each other through you. I didn't talk to Katy a lot but told her I hope your dad changes for the two of them. 

Katy and Brandy went to the consignment store to see if it was open but it was closed again. Then they returned the video camera we rented and also the tripod. Your dad took me to Lowe's where I bought a couple of pots for the plants from yesterday and some dirt as well. We really didn't talk much at all. In a way I feel sorry for him.. He never knew you like I did.. But it was his choice so in another way I don't feel sorry for him as it was his doing not mine.. 

There were a lot of people that knew you.. but no one knew you as well as I did.. And even then there were things you didn't even let me know, be it because you didn't want me to get upset or mad or maybe do something about those things.. You never needed me to fight battles for you as you got older, you were more then willing to handle things on your own. And I know you never wanted me to get upset or worried about things for you. Although there are some things I wish you would have shared with me.. I found out now that you are gone.. Some of it was pretty rotten and I would have let my voice be heard in that as well. 

Even now the thought of that still really makes me mad and want to acknowledge the fact that I know about it.  That I am not one bit pleased about it.. That you pretty much dealt with it all alone also makes me angry.. 

After Sissy left the house felt so empty.. Storm went back to his room and I just sat here in the living room by myself.. with nothing but my thoughts and no one to talk to really.. Sissy called me off and on to check on me and to make sure I was doing alright which helped me a lot.. She got stuck with a delayed plane in Nashville so that meant she had to spend the night in Dallas again because she missed the connection due to the delay in Nashville. So she didn't even get home until the next morning and then had to go straight to work from the airport.

I talked a little bit to Leesa and to Jess later in the evening but was still so quiet around here and dismal. As I move around during the day and do things my mind constantly goes to the place of telling myself how I will never ever see you again and how it just makes no sense to me and I can't believe it or don't want to.  I look around at the pictures and just hate the thoughts that run through my mind.

I wish I could walk into Storm's room and see you sitting in there on your computer or sleeping in the bed.. I can see that so clearly in my mind.. you sitting in the chair playing your games or chatting.. or during the day I would walk by the room and there you would be sleeping the day away.. I just can't grasp yet that none of that will ever be again.. I know I keep saying that over and over.. but I seriously can't I just have this big emptiness inside of me and this horrible knot in my stomach. That all I have of you now is this urn that is supposed to have what is left of you inside of it.. This hard cold metal container..

What I can't get out of my head is the visions I had that Friday night when I got the phone call.. The pictures of the car and you inside of it.. I don't think I can ever get those out of my mind ever.. I didn't know then what the car looked like but my mind made them up and I just wanted so bad to be there.. to be next to you.. to hold you and tell you I loved you.. and let you know I was there.. Then when Jessica crossed the line with the posts that were getting so graphic and morbid I got so angry as I know she knew I would read what she was writing... None of that was ok..

I try and hold on to one thought and that is that I hope you never ever saw it coming and that you never felt one ounce of pain at all.. That you just went to sleep and won't know anything until Jesus comes again to hopefully take you home with him.. You were my little baby, my little boy who grew up into an amazing young man that got taken from me. I watched you grow up and loved you and tried to watch over you to never try and let bad things happen to you. My mind does enough work for me in visions without someone adding to those and making what I already think even worse..

Then I heard that there were people at the scene that were taking pictures with their phones of you still in the car and oh boy that was just over the top for me.. If I ever hear of any of those pictures being put on the internet oh man watch out.. you, whomever you are!!

Well I think I really need to stop right now I am getting too worked up right now and need to take a breather and try and relax a little bit..

I "Love" and "Miss" you so very, very much Cody, Sleep well my son - mom