We had a rough last part of the week here Cody. We had some real awful storm's come through on Wednesday and Thursday. Lots of people were killed and lots of homes, businesses and towns were really destroyed. Ringgold and Apison were hit very hard by a tornado.
Storm and I got lucky as the line of the tornado that hit them came through here as well. I did have 3 trees fall on the property. 2 took out the garage/shed and one hit the house over the kitchen and dining room. That one did do some damage to part of the roof there.
I found a wonderful page on Facebook and these awesome kids came over here on Thursday night named Josh and Megan. Josh reminds me so much of you - even built and resembles you. Happy guy always kidding and laughing like you. He sure is sweet on Megan as well and he lets everyone know - Just like you would be. He climbed up on the roof Thursday night and just started cutting off branches from that big tree and would drop them down to the ground and Megan and I moved them around some so the next day Storm and I could cut them up more.
I got Storm up about 11 on Friday and he and I moved it all to the front yard after I had cut it up and stacked it all up in the front. Josh and Megan came over again on Friday evening after he got off of work and brought a big flat bed trailer and we piled it all up on there, got it all strapped down. The told me they would be coming back today early with lots more people.
Poor Stormie I had really worked him pretty hard during the day yesterday so he went straight to bed after they left. I had a little trouble sleeping at first but knew I needed to get up early. I woke up around 7 and sure enough about 8 Josh and Megan pulled in and we started getting to work on cutting up more of the tree on the house. Pretty soon more and more cars were showing up. Cody it was just so awesome to see all these young kids just coming over here to help. Kids I never knew but the sweetest kids.
One of them that came, Mandy, her mom is one of Storm's teachers in Honor's Academy, I told her wow small world. I met her mom when Storm and I had to go in for Storm's registration for Honor's Academy for next year. She was so sweet she drove me to Lowe's to buy another chainsaw because the one I had you used just up and died on me yesterday. Lowe's was all out so we went to Home Depot and I picked up another one of them showed with a bunch of groceries. Storm and I are good on food so I had them give it to the people across from Charlie's house. But it was just the thought of these people coming even with groceries. I had about 9 to 10 kids here all day cutting trees, hauling the limbs and helping us clear up all the debris for almost 8 hours.
All these kids were close in age with you 22 or so average. Just doing all this amazing stuff for us. We were truly blessed and fortunate to meet these amazing kids. When they got ready to leave they told me thank you for letting us come help you. I mean, seriously I was the one grateful for all the help and work they did for us. I was just overwhelmed. They gave us a card that they all signed when they left and I had tried to pay Josh back for a strap he broke and had to replace pulling one of the trees off the garage. Along with a gift card in the card was my check I had written for him.
They had really wanted Storm to go to Prom tonight but he couldn't get tickets anymore for him and Shannon to go. So I told him to see if they could go to the movies. He was so sweet he let her pick the movie and her dad was kind enough to come get Storm and take them there. I met her and her dad tonight. She is a really pretty girl. The pictures that Storm has of her really don't do her any justice.
I bought pizza's for lunch for all of them and they were so grateful. They really don't know it was I that was grateful for all they were doing. The only person that ever came to see if I wanted / needed help was really looking for money for doing it. These kids did everything they did for nothing and it really touched my heart so much. I know if you would have been here you would have been out helping especially out there where Pa lived that got hit so hard as well.
I was really missing you badly these past days. I know you would have been here to help. I have all these able bodied neighbors around here and none of them offered help in any way. So for kids to volunteer their time and efforts and help total strangers and do all they did for us was just so amazing to me. The neighbors just watched Storm and I work all day yesterday. And the ones that came and went around us, today would just stop and look and go on their way or come outside to see what was going on and then go back in.
But seriously, how could I expect anything more then that when I already knew how they were when you left us and they knew about it. I told Sissy that this 4x8 sheet of Plywood that landed in my back yard was a sign from God. It is just beautifully painted white on one side already - I have a can of spray paint as well I believe under the sink. It will make the most wonderful sign for the front yard.
Thanking all my wonderful neighbors for their outpouring of sympathy and support when I lost you and for all the help they gave us to remove the trees and debris from our yard. How fortunate we were to move into such an awesome neighborhood.
Sounds quite good to me of course! You never know that might just appear one morning on the front lawn!
The boys were so great they chopped up all the big tree trunks into smaller pieces for Storm and I so that Omi can come get it tomorrow and have it for firewood. Storm even learned how to really start the chainsaw easier then the way he and I always did it before. He was getting quite good at it by the end of today. You would have been so proud of him!
I really miss you Cody and these past 4 days I have really missed being able to call or talk to you. Or possibly even have had you here. You are sorely missed!
I love you so very much. Wish I could just hug you! I still miss you more each day then the day before! Sleep well my son - mom.
Cody James July 10, 1986 - March 11, 2011 - This blog is memories of my son who passed away so suddenly in an automobile accident. Also things I would have liked to have been able to share with him.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
It's Another Day
Luna had her puppies last night - Easter Sunday. She had 6 of them, 5 boys and 1 girl. When Omi called me the first time she had only had 4 and she said I have to check on her there is a lot of whining going on in the bathroom. She called me back and was so devastated, she said Luna had 2 more. I told her oh well we will have to try and give them all away. Since we really don't know what kind of a dog bred with her. Omi only saw a black dog about Luna's size. Somehow that dog got over Omi's fence and in the dark it was hard to see the other dog she said. But there is nothing but hound dogs up there where she lives so the dad has to be some kind of a hound dog / hunting dog.
A lot of the people up there have kennels of them to use for hunting so one must have gotten loose or someone who lets their dog run loose. We won't be able to really tell much about them for a few weeks still anyway. Omi has no way to take pictures and send them to me over the net of course so I won't be able to see them until I go up there or something or if she brings them down with her the next time she comes to visit. I did stick a ad in the Georgia Trader for next week so maybe we will get lucky and be able to get rid of all of them. Only can cross my fingers on that one.
It is really hot and humid again today 82 in the house alone and I was going to sit outside in the gazebo but it is just darn hot and no breeze :( I need to get my asparagus planted still and have some potato's I need to get in the ground as well. I can't seem to find what I did with my squash seeds and it is really bugging me about that. Hopefully I will find them soon.
I was remembering yesterday the Easters out in California and how we would hide the eggs up on the patio deck for you guys to find. I know there were some pictures of at least one year but I couldn't find them anywhere. I remember when you and Brandy were little and I always had such fun coloring the eggs with you guys and then hiding them the next day for you. Watching you two look all over the yard for them. One year when we lived in the house across from the shop we went to some church for an Easter Egg hunt with the elderly couple across the street that just thought the world of Brandy of you. I have a picture of you guys with them I still have to scan in from one of the photo albums.
Just random thoughts make me start crying and then I can't stop. I cried so much yesterday and last night that when I woke up today my eyes were so swollen I could hardly see for a long time. I think my heart just breaks more and more each passing day. The ache just seems to get bigger and so does the void I feel. Sometimes I just want to get swallowed up so it will all just stop hurting so badly. People say all kinds of things like he is watching over you, and he is watching from heaven, etc. But I don't believe any of that you know. You are what you are here on my bed, and that is it. Even Ann tries and gets me to believe on the near death experiences from other people that are out there on the internet and she had me watch. All of that is such a great and wonderful thought. But you know how I believe and what I raised you to believe.
So I don't know if I will ever get to see you again ever and the last time I saw you might well be the last time I ever did. The last time we talked might be the last time for that as well. I just know I miss my son so damn much and nothing is helping. Cody I am having such a hard time and I really don't know what to do about it.
I wish I could just a little bit of peace or some sense of something but nothing is there. Just a lot of hurt and aching and missing you. I don't even feel anger anymore just a huge sense of loss in you not being here anymore. Even memories are painful because they make me cry just thinking about them. I can't share them with you and we can't laugh about them together or even argue about some of them. I just know it is all eating me up inside and I don't know how to stop it.
I love you Cody and I really miss you horribly - Sleep well my son - mom
A lot of the people up there have kennels of them to use for hunting so one must have gotten loose or someone who lets their dog run loose. We won't be able to really tell much about them for a few weeks still anyway. Omi has no way to take pictures and send them to me over the net of course so I won't be able to see them until I go up there or something or if she brings them down with her the next time she comes to visit. I did stick a ad in the Georgia Trader for next week so maybe we will get lucky and be able to get rid of all of them. Only can cross my fingers on that one.
It is really hot and humid again today 82 in the house alone and I was going to sit outside in the gazebo but it is just darn hot and no breeze :( I need to get my asparagus planted still and have some potato's I need to get in the ground as well. I can't seem to find what I did with my squash seeds and it is really bugging me about that. Hopefully I will find them soon.
I was remembering yesterday the Easters out in California and how we would hide the eggs up on the patio deck for you guys to find. I know there were some pictures of at least one year but I couldn't find them anywhere. I remember when you and Brandy were little and I always had such fun coloring the eggs with you guys and then hiding them the next day for you. Watching you two look all over the yard for them. One year when we lived in the house across from the shop we went to some church for an Easter Egg hunt with the elderly couple across the street that just thought the world of Brandy of you. I have a picture of you guys with them I still have to scan in from one of the photo albums.
Just random thoughts make me start crying and then I can't stop. I cried so much yesterday and last night that when I woke up today my eyes were so swollen I could hardly see for a long time. I think my heart just breaks more and more each passing day. The ache just seems to get bigger and so does the void I feel. Sometimes I just want to get swallowed up so it will all just stop hurting so badly. People say all kinds of things like he is watching over you, and he is watching from heaven, etc. But I don't believe any of that you know. You are what you are here on my bed, and that is it. Even Ann tries and gets me to believe on the near death experiences from other people that are out there on the internet and she had me watch. All of that is such a great and wonderful thought. But you know how I believe and what I raised you to believe.
So I don't know if I will ever get to see you again ever and the last time I saw you might well be the last time I ever did. The last time we talked might be the last time for that as well. I just know I miss my son so damn much and nothing is helping. Cody I am having such a hard time and I really don't know what to do about it.
I wish I could just a little bit of peace or some sense of something but nothing is there. Just a lot of hurt and aching and missing you. I don't even feel anger anymore just a huge sense of loss in you not being here anymore. Even memories are painful because they make me cry just thinking about them. I can't share them with you and we can't laugh about them together or even argue about some of them. I just know it is all eating me up inside and I don't know how to stop it.
I love you Cody and I really miss you horribly - Sleep well my son - mom
Easter Sunday
Cody, I miss you so much today.. I would have talked to you today or maybe you would have even been here already. Fanny invited Storm and I over to her house for dinner. It was great to get out of the house and to be with friends.
Sissy sent me a ton of pictures of Loralei and also of her and Loralei tonight. As I looked at them I just started to cry. You are missing so much never to see all the things you should be seeing. Your niece walking and enjoying her very first Easter.
I went though a bunch of pictures today. I really haven't slept but one hour in the last 48 or so.. Strange I even have been drinking beer since Michelle brought me home but I guess I am drinking it way to slow because I can't even get tired from doing that.
I found a lot of old pictures of you. I posted them all to Face Book. Omi called me tonight around 7 or 8 and Luna had her puppies tonight too. Mutt puppies but she had 6 total. Omi was pretty upset about the last 2 cus she thought there was only 4 she didn't check the sexes of the last 2. When she had checked Luna had 3 boys and one girl and Omi said they were all black and looked like Luna - but of course we know some stupid ass hound dog got her.
I did breed China though with Mojo I guess in 62 days I will find out. Luna went 63 days. I know you would be excited about that. But I won't try and breed Mojo with Luna until next year now.
I had a long talk with Omi tonight about a lot of things, some was about you. I am not going to talk about what it was because I don't want others to get upset about it.
But Omi and I went through a lot with Sarah and Trinity and got pretty kicked on that one. I did my best to stay out of what was going on with you and Beverlee and only offered the things I offered which were not accepted. But it was not my place to get in the middle of any of that. You needed to make your decisions on your own. I could only bitch about it and tell you what I thought about it all. I know we "bumped" heads a lot on it as Kelli called it. Sissy is pretty devastated over it all because the last time you talked was about her wanting to adopt him. You two argued about it.
I raised good kids, I know it and am proud of all of you. You three are the strongest kids I know. You never let anyone influence you or make you do something you didn't want to. Regardless of anything.
Today has really been hard on me. Larry texted me today Happy Easter - I was sorta shocked about that. Then he told me he was looking at Southwest airlines - well the last plane in the air peeled like a sardine can on the top. I worry so much about Storm now. I don't think I could take one more devastation in my life ever again. He blows it off but I had 3 boys and now I only have 1. I told him that I guess when Storm is gone if China has puppies he will miss that - classic response well I am sure you will post it all over FB.. hmm I think Elysia might have made a comment. But that hasn't changed the fact that any of them call Stormie any more then they have before.
It is going to be the hardest month and then some of my life in a long time to not have him here, other then your accident, because now I just worry so much about him and am so scared for him. She insinuated I have turned him against them. And you above anyone knows, I have never done that with any of you. You make decisions on your own based on relationships. I can't force people or family members to stay in contact that is all on their own. They do what they want. That only leaves you with your own conclusions.
I went from having 1 to 0 to 3 to 2 and God forbid anything else happen. I pray more now then I ever have - probably makes Omi happy. I think today I have cried just about as much as I did the day after your accident.
I think what I want the most is all the hard / bad feelings between people to go away. Especially all the girls, I know that only you know it all and you will never be able to tell anyone anything anymore. The only person that knew it all was you and you can't ever say another word to anyone. I just want peace where everyone is concerned and to just let it go and remember what each one had and that is it.
Brandy and I learned so much after you left us. A lot of was painful on our part for you that you never let us know. For whatever reasons you had. Other parts showed us where your head was at and what you wanted to do but were not able to accomplish. Cody I could have taken it. Yes I would have stood up for you and I would probably have said my piece. But you know I would have been there for you, regardless.
I should have gotten you to come home after it didn't work out with when you went to Omaha. Not saying that results might not have the same somewhere down the line but you would have been home where you belonged. Not where things have ended up like they have.
I have spent pretty much all day listening to the DVD, over and over the PP presentation and the Born Free song. I am still looking for pictures of you that I might be missing somewhere.
I still have not come to grips with any of this.. I found a bunch of pics of your dad when I first met him an we were dating and uploaded them, back in the day when he was still sort of normal. I know you would have liked that.
I think sleep is finally trying to over come me so I am going to close this post - I love you so much Cody, I know you might not believe it but I can't even come close to describing how much I miss you - Sleep Well my son - mom
Sissy sent me a ton of pictures of Loralei and also of her and Loralei tonight. As I looked at them I just started to cry. You are missing so much never to see all the things you should be seeing. Your niece walking and enjoying her very first Easter.
I went though a bunch of pictures today. I really haven't slept but one hour in the last 48 or so.. Strange I even have been drinking beer since Michelle brought me home but I guess I am drinking it way to slow because I can't even get tired from doing that.
I found a lot of old pictures of you. I posted them all to Face Book. Omi called me tonight around 7 or 8 and Luna had her puppies tonight too. Mutt puppies but she had 6 total. Omi was pretty upset about the last 2 cus she thought there was only 4 she didn't check the sexes of the last 2. When she had checked Luna had 3 boys and one girl and Omi said they were all black and looked like Luna - but of course we know some stupid ass hound dog got her.
I did breed China though with Mojo I guess in 62 days I will find out. Luna went 63 days. I know you would be excited about that. But I won't try and breed Mojo with Luna until next year now.
I had a long talk with Omi tonight about a lot of things, some was about you. I am not going to talk about what it was because I don't want others to get upset about it.
But Omi and I went through a lot with Sarah and Trinity and got pretty kicked on that one. I did my best to stay out of what was going on with you and Beverlee and only offered the things I offered which were not accepted. But it was not my place to get in the middle of any of that. You needed to make your decisions on your own. I could only bitch about it and tell you what I thought about it all. I know we "bumped" heads a lot on it as Kelli called it. Sissy is pretty devastated over it all because the last time you talked was about her wanting to adopt him. You two argued about it.
I raised good kids, I know it and am proud of all of you. You three are the strongest kids I know. You never let anyone influence you or make you do something you didn't want to. Regardless of anything.
Today has really been hard on me. Larry texted me today Happy Easter - I was sorta shocked about that. Then he told me he was looking at Southwest airlines - well the last plane in the air peeled like a sardine can on the top. I worry so much about Storm now. I don't think I could take one more devastation in my life ever again. He blows it off but I had 3 boys and now I only have 1. I told him that I guess when Storm is gone if China has puppies he will miss that - classic response well I am sure you will post it all over FB.. hmm I think Elysia might have made a comment. But that hasn't changed the fact that any of them call Stormie any more then they have before.
It is going to be the hardest month and then some of my life in a long time to not have him here, other then your accident, because now I just worry so much about him and am so scared for him. She insinuated I have turned him against them. And you above anyone knows, I have never done that with any of you. You make decisions on your own based on relationships. I can't force people or family members to stay in contact that is all on their own. They do what they want. That only leaves you with your own conclusions.
I went from having 1 to 0 to 3 to 2 and God forbid anything else happen. I pray more now then I ever have - probably makes Omi happy. I think today I have cried just about as much as I did the day after your accident.
I think what I want the most is all the hard / bad feelings between people to go away. Especially all the girls, I know that only you know it all and you will never be able to tell anyone anything anymore. The only person that knew it all was you and you can't ever say another word to anyone. I just want peace where everyone is concerned and to just let it go and remember what each one had and that is it.
Brandy and I learned so much after you left us. A lot of was painful on our part for you that you never let us know. For whatever reasons you had. Other parts showed us where your head was at and what you wanted to do but were not able to accomplish. Cody I could have taken it. Yes I would have stood up for you and I would probably have said my piece. But you know I would have been there for you, regardless.
I should have gotten you to come home after it didn't work out with when you went to Omaha. Not saying that results might not have the same somewhere down the line but you would have been home where you belonged. Not where things have ended up like they have.
I have spent pretty much all day listening to the DVD, over and over the PP presentation and the Born Free song. I am still looking for pictures of you that I might be missing somewhere.
I still have not come to grips with any of this.. I found a bunch of pics of your dad when I first met him an we were dating and uploaded them, back in the day when he was still sort of normal. I know you would have liked that.
I think sleep is finally trying to over come me so I am going to close this post - I love you so much Cody, I know you might not believe it but I can't even come close to describing how much I miss you - Sleep Well my son - mom
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Been a few days...
I know it's been a few days since that last blog about Josh Posh there but needed to calm my thoughts a bit. Lots of stuff has happened the past few days. Stormie can't make it to the Engineering and Robotics class this year at Stanford U.. no way to raise the money for the course in the short amount of time there is. And you know it's always me trying to get stuff done and of course with no car can't go around trying to fund raise for him or take him around to try. The did give us a 500.00 financial aid amount but that doesn't come close to touching the 2750.00 needed. Plus the airfare to get there.. Maybe next year he can try for it. We will have to see about that.
I went shopping with Omi yesterday she came down to go to Wildwood to the health food store so she stopped in here. She got me that gazebo I wanted to get last year. Remember that? Storm's pool is totally shot but I am hoping by the fall I will have everything cleared out back there where the trees are still lying that you finished cutting down for me. Maybe we can get Larry to buy him another one when I do. It's really level there and would be a good place for a pool for him.
Stormie and I set it up tonight and you never met Ann my neighbor who bought the abandoned house next door, but she just loved it. I had given her one of the DVD's I made for you and she just loved it. Said even though she never met you she learned a lot about you watching it and reading the posts. You would like her and Steve they are really nice / sweet people. Steve's dad just passed away as well last week and he is having a hard time just like we are about you. Of all the neighbors here that knew you, Ann and Steve who never even met you have been the greatest. The only ones that have even said anything about it. Even Rachel's parents across the street never even came over to say anything about it or when they saw me outside.
Anyway.. the gazebo looks great and will be awesome to use in the summers outside. I have been having Mojo in the house more these days I think he is finally housebreaking or realizing making a mess inside results in total instant banishment of the house.
Dinky got out for the first time in almost a year tonight. He must have zipped out when Storm got home from school. We looked all over for him and I was still outside as it was almost dark putting the glider together when I heard an awesome cat fight going on over on the other side of the fence on Ann's side. I ran over there and saw the grey and white cat running off and looked and called for Dinks but nothing - Ann went back in to get her flashlight and I went to the screen door and was calling for Storm to get me mine when I saw him behind the bush there trying to climb his way up the screen on the outside. Poor bugger his heart was beating so fast and he was all shaking. Maybe he learned his lesson again and won't think about trying to slip outside again for a long time.
Well Luna should be having her puppies here in the next week. Omi says she is getting so fat she's worried she will pop. Hopefully she won't have very many like Bear Bear did on that batch of mutt puppies she had.
I was going through your baby book tonight and scanning some of the pages in to send to Beverlee and it was making me remember so many things. I was telling her on the part where you had gone up to Granny and Pa's one year for a month when you were about 2 I guess and Pa taught you how to pee off the front porch because you still weren't potty trained. You thought that was just the neatest thing to be able to do that. When you came back home every time you had to go potty you would run out into the front yard to pee and your dad told you hey pee on mommy's tires. Boy did you ever after that every time you went pee out there you would go pee on the tires of my car just thinking that was just the funniest thing in the world to be able to pee on mommy's tires.. Silly boy!
Wish I could have those days back again.
I am trying really hard to come to terms with a lot of things and trying to be a better person and not just let some of my feelings get in the way of things and how I feel I was wronged but do the right thing where some of the things are concerned or what I hope is right and not feel screwed over or lied to in some way again. It's like I tell the girls when they start to fight or argue over you.. only they know what they had not what someone else had and everyone has feelings regardless. Whether we agree or don't agree. I just sometimes really wish Cody you wouldn't have done some of the things you did, but you always knew how I felt about that anyway.. we argued about it quite a bit sometimes. But there are so many feelings involved from so many people that it is overwhelming at times for me.. I like easy peasy you know that and I hate confrontation if I don't have to. Although I will stand up for what I believe is right and not let someone run over me or buffalo me if I can help it.
I made a few promises I intend to keep and will follow through with that I just hope that what I was told is the truth is as well and doesn't bite me in the ass later for doing it. I love you and I will fight for you and what I think is right regardless - if people don't like what I say when it comes to you then they don't understand how important family is to me and my children. When someone trashes me or makes comments they have no idea about you know I am outspoken and will say my piece especially when it comes to You, Brandy or Storm. It was the 3 musketeers so to speak always for years.
All the crappy boyfriends I had over the years just loved you to death and would have done anything for you anytime. Spent time with you and enjoyed being with you. But the good man in my life wasn't like that and that was always so strange to me. I even wonder if they will ever send your computer to Stormie. He really wants it badly not just for the computer's sake but because everything about you was on that computer - The only external hard drive and we know there were 2 of them the one we did get really hasn't got much on it at all. I think that even Storm puts up such a brave face and always turns the questions back on me when I ask how he is doing he just says fine then jumps on it and asks how I am doing.
When I watched the video of that cruise from the other night that was supposed to be about you. I never saw one thing that was done in remembrance of you. No signs on any cars - cars zipping along and not even going to where you had your accident to remember you. And then some stupid ass kid riding down the 4 lane road doing all kinds of really stupid ass shit while riding his mortorcycle.. hanging on one side with both legs on that side - standing up on the bike and driving and then sitting on the handle bars and driving.. What about that was honoring you in anyway or remembering the tragedy we all went though because of your accident? he is just another accident waiting to happen and it might not just be him who dies or is hurt badly because of it.
I don't agree with we should be happy they are doing something in your name - but it doesn't honor your memory in any shape or form - I wrote Justin back in a message and I told him this after he sent me this message:
I went shopping with Omi yesterday she came down to go to Wildwood to the health food store so she stopped in here. She got me that gazebo I wanted to get last year. Remember that? Storm's pool is totally shot but I am hoping by the fall I will have everything cleared out back there where the trees are still lying that you finished cutting down for me. Maybe we can get Larry to buy him another one when I do. It's really level there and would be a good place for a pool for him.
Stormie and I set it up tonight and you never met Ann my neighbor who bought the abandoned house next door, but she just loved it. I had given her one of the DVD's I made for you and she just loved it. Said even though she never met you she learned a lot about you watching it and reading the posts. You would like her and Steve they are really nice / sweet people. Steve's dad just passed away as well last week and he is having a hard time just like we are about you. Of all the neighbors here that knew you, Ann and Steve who never even met you have been the greatest. The only ones that have even said anything about it. Even Rachel's parents across the street never even came over to say anything about it or when they saw me outside.
Anyway.. the gazebo looks great and will be awesome to use in the summers outside. I have been having Mojo in the house more these days I think he is finally housebreaking or realizing making a mess inside results in total instant banishment of the house.
Dinky got out for the first time in almost a year tonight. He must have zipped out when Storm got home from school. We looked all over for him and I was still outside as it was almost dark putting the glider together when I heard an awesome cat fight going on over on the other side of the fence on Ann's side. I ran over there and saw the grey and white cat running off and looked and called for Dinks but nothing - Ann went back in to get her flashlight and I went to the screen door and was calling for Storm to get me mine when I saw him behind the bush there trying to climb his way up the screen on the outside. Poor bugger his heart was beating so fast and he was all shaking. Maybe he learned his lesson again and won't think about trying to slip outside again for a long time.
Well Luna should be having her puppies here in the next week. Omi says she is getting so fat she's worried she will pop. Hopefully she won't have very many like Bear Bear did on that batch of mutt puppies she had.
I was going through your baby book tonight and scanning some of the pages in to send to Beverlee and it was making me remember so many things. I was telling her on the part where you had gone up to Granny and Pa's one year for a month when you were about 2 I guess and Pa taught you how to pee off the front porch because you still weren't potty trained. You thought that was just the neatest thing to be able to do that. When you came back home every time you had to go potty you would run out into the front yard to pee and your dad told you hey pee on mommy's tires. Boy did you ever after that every time you went pee out there you would go pee on the tires of my car just thinking that was just the funniest thing in the world to be able to pee on mommy's tires.. Silly boy!
Wish I could have those days back again.
I am trying really hard to come to terms with a lot of things and trying to be a better person and not just let some of my feelings get in the way of things and how I feel I was wronged but do the right thing where some of the things are concerned or what I hope is right and not feel screwed over or lied to in some way again. It's like I tell the girls when they start to fight or argue over you.. only they know what they had not what someone else had and everyone has feelings regardless. Whether we agree or don't agree. I just sometimes really wish Cody you wouldn't have done some of the things you did, but you always knew how I felt about that anyway.. we argued about it quite a bit sometimes. But there are so many feelings involved from so many people that it is overwhelming at times for me.. I like easy peasy you know that and I hate confrontation if I don't have to. Although I will stand up for what I believe is right and not let someone run over me or buffalo me if I can help it.
I made a few promises I intend to keep and will follow through with that I just hope that what I was told is the truth is as well and doesn't bite me in the ass later for doing it. I love you and I will fight for you and what I think is right regardless - if people don't like what I say when it comes to you then they don't understand how important family is to me and my children. When someone trashes me or makes comments they have no idea about you know I am outspoken and will say my piece especially when it comes to You, Brandy or Storm. It was the 3 musketeers so to speak always for years.
All the crappy boyfriends I had over the years just loved you to death and would have done anything for you anytime. Spent time with you and enjoyed being with you. But the good man in my life wasn't like that and that was always so strange to me. I even wonder if they will ever send your computer to Stormie. He really wants it badly not just for the computer's sake but because everything about you was on that computer - The only external hard drive and we know there were 2 of them the one we did get really hasn't got much on it at all. I think that even Storm puts up such a brave face and always turns the questions back on me when I ask how he is doing he just says fine then jumps on it and asks how I am doing.
When I watched the video of that cruise from the other night that was supposed to be about you. I never saw one thing that was done in remembrance of you. No signs on any cars - cars zipping along and not even going to where you had your accident to remember you. And then some stupid ass kid riding down the 4 lane road doing all kinds of really stupid ass shit while riding his mortorcycle.. hanging on one side with both legs on that side - standing up on the bike and driving and then sitting on the handle bars and driving.. What about that was honoring you in anyway or remembering the tragedy we all went though because of your accident? he is just another accident waiting to happen and it might not just be him who dies or is hurt badly because of it.
I don't agree with we should be happy they are doing something in your name - but it doesn't honor your memory in any shape or form - I wrote Justin back in a message and I told him this after he sent me this message:
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Just how "TRUE" of a friend is Josh Posh-Swanson actually?
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