Today is Christmas 2011

Cody,

Today is the first time ever in 25 years I have not been able to wish you a Merry Christmas and tell you I love you. I have so missed the sound of your voice these past nine months. Those all hours phone calls you used to make to me just to talk or see what I was doing.

Even though you could really get me so po'd at you sometimes, I miss knowing you are in the room right next to mine. I miss the way you could make me laugh no matter how mad or upset I was at you. I even miss going into the kitchen to cut a piece of french bread and it is all gone because you ate it all on me.

I am sitting here this morning just crying my eyes out because I miss you so badly. I know I won't get to hear or see you today and it tears me up inside. People say life goes on, but for some of us it stalemates on us and yes part of us goes on but part of us doesn't.

These past few weeks with these puppies really drives home that you are not here. I know how much you would have loved to have been around for them. How much you would have spoiled them just like I do. How much love you would have given to them. You would have spent time watching them playing like I do and get such a kick out of it. Stormie really doesn't have an interest in them like you and I do. He can pretty much take them or leave them and most of the time it is leave them.

Omi just called to wish us a Merry Christmas and it is so hard to not let her hear that I am crying. I hate having to answer a lot of questions or hear all kinds of religious stuff from her about what has happened to you.  Everything stays so bottled up for me most of the time about my feelings and how hard it is to handle that you are gone. I wish so hard you were still here with us but no matter how hard I want it to happen I know it never will and that you are gone from life as it is now forever.

I can't say as I am mad at you but I wish you would have listened to me all those times I talked to you about your driving. I never dreamed it would be me one day mourning the loss of you and hurting so much because you weren't here in my life anymore like you used to be. Mothers are not supposed to have to say good-bye to their children, it is supposed to be the other way around. I still wish this was just some horrid dream I needed to wake up from and it all wouldn't be true and you would still be here with us.

It will never get any easier for me, just maybe one day I won't cry as hard anymore. I love you so much Cody, and the hole in my heart doesn't get any smaller or hurt any less. Sleep well my son - mom

It's Almost Christmas

It has been a little over 9 months now. Sissy called me and told me how she broke down the other night and cried so hard. Chris came and comforted her even though she tried so hard to hide it. I can understand that. I try hard myself to hide how I feel and to keep all the feelings to myself and not make Sissy, Storm or Omi really see how much all this is effecting me.

We are both really mad at you and I don't think we will ever get over that feeling. Because you have deprived us of you!  I know it was not on purpose on your part but you never learned to listen and because of that you left us in this world.

Each day that I see things and do things and have the ability to witness all the things you would so love to be able to be a part of. Each day as I watch China's puppies grow a bit more and see all the cute little things they do I miss you so much because I know how much you would have wanted to be a part of all that.

I still feel an overwhelming grief where you are concerned and I think about you each and every day. There is a huge hollow spot in my life that cannot ever be filled. Other people their lives go on, and yes, so does mine, but mine is still stuck where you are concerned. I don't think I will ever come to terms with what happened to you and that you are no longer with me in my life.

I have dreamed about you twice since your accident and neither one was a comfort to me. Parents are not supposed to love one child more than another one. I don't love any one of you more than the other but I love you all in different ways if that makes sense at all. I had such a hard time bringing you into this world and then almost losing you in the pool on dad's birthday. You were special to me in your own way. Just like Brandy is special in her way because I lost her older brother to SIDS. And her being a girl and making my fears of losing her in the same way a little easier. Storm is special in his way because he came along after being told I could not have any more children. But I don't love any of you less than the other one. You are each special to me in your own way.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't hurt and don't miss you. I try to be brave and to not let my feelings interfere with life and to upset Storm and Sissy. It is so hard for me to put on this brave face and try and act like things are OK when they really are not.

I need to stay strong for Storm and I am sure you can understand that. I need to make sure he still has a normal life and can be the best he can and do all the all things that he is destined for. I want so much for you to still be here for him. He loves you so much and looked up to you as well for how smart you are.

I miss you so much and never doubt how much I love you. No matter how many times we argued and you didn't think I did. You were special to me and you always will be.  I miss you so much every day and as live each day and am able to watch life I see how much you would have wanted to be a part of all of it. Someday I will be all alone with no one here with me anymore. But I carry you in my heart each and every day.

I love you so much Cody, and I miss you oh so very much - sleep well my son - mom

Almost 9 Months - 9 Months since I talked to you last!

It's been almost 9 months since you left. Actually today is 9 months since I talked to you last. I miss the hell out of you Cody. So much has happened in the last 9 months and so much you would have wanted to be apart of. I miss you in my life, and I miss that you are not a part of Storm's life anymore. I know Sissy misses you so much as well.

Our lives are incomplete anymore because you are not a part of them. We can't talk to you and can't call you and tell you all the little milestones in our lives that are happening. I know you would have wanted to be a part of Takoda's life and spend time with him and get to know your son. I know Beverlee wanted you to be a part of his life and get to know him. I don't get to see him much so I am missing out a lot of his growing up. Even Stormie enjoys being around him when he gets the chance.

When Stormie and I rescued the kittens I know you would have loved that one. Now that China has her puppies I can only imagine the thrill you would have had over that. As they grow bigger each day and do more running around I can only see you here and know you would have already picked one out. You would have taken it and started loving all over it and named it and started to love it. You would have told me how that is yours and nothing I could have said would have changed your mind about it.

I miss seeing you and talking to you and hearing your voice and I even miss all those arguments we had.  I still watch the DVD a lot and think about you. I have memories, yes I do, but that isn't like you actually being here with me anymore. I read things and they make me cry and miss you more. The finality of it all is just so devastating to me. The fact that I wasn't there for you and I couldn't tell you goodbye and hug you close and tell you how much I love you.

We had our ups and downs you and I but my love never faltered in how much I loved you, and how much you meant to me in my life. We both said things now and then that we didn't really mean to make the other hurt as much as we were hurting each other. I tried lots of times to talk to you and tell you how much you meant to me and how much I loved you and how much you were wanted by me. I think sometimes you didn't actually believe that. I was so proud of you and how much you accomplished and I told you that.

I miss you so much in my life. There is this big empty hole in part of my life with the loss of you.  I still have Sissy and Stormie and I love them even more now because you are gone. I know how fleeting time can be and much an instant in your life can change everything for you. I appreciate all the time Sissy spends talking to me each day and some days if not for that I don't think I could make it through the day.

Even Stormie comes and talks to me a bit more some days then he normally would. The last time I talked to you I didn't get to talk to you very long because I conferenced Omi into the call. After you got done talking to her you and I also hung up. I wish we would have talked longer that night. 13 minutes total wasn't long enough. If I would have known that was the last time I would ever talk to you. I would have told you so many things.

There isn't a day that goes by I don't think of you or think of something about you.  I loved you so much, you were my putter-head and will always be that for me. My heart aches for the loss of you and the missing of you and the fact you are gone. Thanksgiving was a duel devastation for me this year. I was not only missing you but remembering that was the day 33 years ago that I said good-bye to your brother Dale as well.

I try and look at each new day and try and find something good about it. I have a hard time doing it. I watch the puppies get bigger each day and I know the joy you would have found in it. I try and think about that but I have a hard time really hanging onto that thought. I think sometimes it makes me miss you even more because you are not here to share all this with me. I know the joy you would have found in it and how you would have reacted to it all. I am saddened by the fact you are not here to enjoy all this with me. Stormie comes in now and then to see them but he is not really as excited about the puppies like you would be.

It's almost 5 in the morning and I guess I need to some semblance of sanity somewhere. I wish I could find it more often but I have a hard time doing it these days. I never thought I would be here again in my life ever having to say good-bye to one of my children. I love you so much Cody and I miss you to the depths of my core and I am having such a hard time with all of this. Sleep well my son - mom

Nancy

I felt I could write this here on your page Cody because I knew you would understand. You met Nancy when you were almost 8 years old. She always treated Brandy and you as if you were a part of the family even though Larry and I never married.

I know it wasn't always quite the same but she came pretty close for the most part.  She sure helped me with a lot of advice and telling me how to go about things after Storm was born. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't have been able to go back to college as she was the one that told me what I should do and whom I should contact in order to be able to do that.

She enveloped all of us and greeted us into the rest of the family whenever were around and never treated us any differently then anyone else. She was such a wonderful giving woman and always so kind and happy, not to mention she was a wonderful cook!

I was glad that Storm and I each were able to talk to her one last time before she left us last Friday morning on the 11th of November. That I was able to say good-bye and tell her I loved her and appreciated all she had done for us while we lived with Larry and the kids.

Elysia called me in the morning and told me what had happened. I felt so bad for them because I knew what they were all going through. I was just glad they all had the opportunity to at least say good-bye to her before she left them. Something we were not able to do with you.

I had Omi call Elysia and you know Omi she was more than willing to do that and have a prayer with her and try and be helpful. She wanted to call Larry but I told her he was busy trying to get out of the house to go up to the cabin so it was not a good time to call him right then.

I know you would have wanted to call her before she left as well if you were still here with us and tell her good-bye. You were just that way. Like when you found out about Pa's last wife and wanted to tell him you were sorry to hear that had happened to him.

I have to admit we were blessed to be as close as we all were. Sissy, Omi, Storm, you and I all a family and staying in touch all the time no matter what ever happened between any of us. We loved, argued, fought and made-up like a family would and forgive no matter what. None of us ever lost touch with the other no matter what. Not all families can say that, but we can.

I am feeling very badly for all that Larry's family is going through right now and especially Larry's dad. I only hope they can find some solace and relief over all the grief they are feeling right now. They are in my heart and I know in Storm's heart as well, along with Omi and Sissy.

I love you so much Cody and I miss you something awful daily. Sleep well my son - mom

It is November 9th almost Nine months since you left us.

I logged into EQ for the first time in months last night. I found out the guild I was in had booted me, which is fine I had told them about you and that I might not be playing for some time. But it is sad to see that some people have no compassion for what another person is going through.

I met a very nice lady in another guild and I put Evi in there. She even had one of her guild members call me today. It was awesome to talk to someone other then the grief counseling people that are so sick and tired of hearing from hearing from me. He let me cry on his shoulder and let me get a lot of my feelings out without being condescending about it.

I also talked to Omi tonight and cried a lot while I did. She tries to understand what I am going through but it always comes back to Jesus and God for her. Yes she was your grandmother and also Dale's grandmother but she doesn't really understand just how I feel a out the loss of you and your brother. I had 3 months of memories with Dale, but I had almost 25 years of memories with you. You were such a part of me for half of my life.

I am having such a hard time coping with your loss and I wish I could find a way to deal with it better. I call the grief counseling and they are so sick of hearing from me that they hardly ever talk to me anymore. Storm's counselor was going to talk to me but it didn't work out for them to take me to see her and I don't get into sessions she has with Storm. Those are his sessions and his safe place to talk and have nothing to do with me or anything he needs to let me know about other then what he wants to share.

I am drinking too much again just so I can sleep because I have a hard time even going to sleep anymore. My mind just keeps going on and on about stuff and it makes it hard for me to even fall asleep unless I just pass out from too much beer.

Now it is not just you that I miss and mourn in my life it is Dale as well. The day he left this world is coming up on the 21st. You know how hard it was always for me at this time of the year and thinking about that each year.

I look around this house and every time I see Mojo and China I remember how it was when you brought Mojo home. China I just reminds me of the fact how much you wanted me to get you Luna and how much you loved her and cared for her.

The tree I still have standing in the back yard and that limb you were cutting off and then had to move the chainsaw and cut higher up that little stub still is there just so I can remember that and I wouldn't let Storm cut it off or Tim either when he was building our fence and helping me clear what Storm and I didn't get done.

There are reminders of you all over this house and memories I have everywhere I look.

Dinky is so fat these days yes I know you and Kelli named him "Fucker" but he is still Storm's cat to the max. Storm even renamed him Fatty Boy. Storm told me if he gets into a college where he can take him with him he will take Dinky with him there.

I was sad to see that the kitten you had on your shoulder in one of your pictures passed away as well. I was a bit more disappointed that when Jessica posted it she didn't use the picture of her sitting on your shoulder.

I don't hear from Kelli or Beverlee much and I am sorry I don't. Leesa texts me quite a bit and talks to me and I really appreciate that fact. She is engaged now and I am happy for her and I know you would be too.

Do you remember Marcia one of the ladies I used to work for back when I worked for the VNA and Hospice of Northern California? I talked to her the other night she was awesome and let me talk to her about my feelings about what I am going through. I thought that was awesome of her she didn't have to even though she is a Psych Nurse and I used to do all those PowerPoint presentations for her and for Janet when I got laid off from there after Sutter bought them out.

I used to talk to her a lot way back when Larry and I were still together about you and the struggles you had with Larry and being accepted into his family. She was always such a good friend to me.

It's a hard road for me Cody and I am trying my best to cope with it all. I keep trying to tell myself "no regrets" but it really is not easy. It is much easier to say then it is to do. I never thought I would lose you in my life that you would be here for me always until I left this world and not the other way around.

I am still trying so hard to cope with all the things that have transpired and what to do with all that and I really don't have any answers to any of it.

I love you so much Cody and I miss you more then any words I could write could even describe it - Sleep well my son - mom

It's November and I Miss you so Much!

I sat outside tonight and I looked around at the new fence that I had put up all around the yard and I thought about you Cody. I thought about the fact you would have been so happy to have seen Mojo and China be able to run around free and not on leashes. I know you would have loved the goats too and how they follow you around and want to be petted and loved.

I know your friends have lives and they all have to go on living them. But I miss talking to them. I spend countless hours trying to find someone to talk to sometimes. I know it is horrible to say that but it is true. The grief counseling place I call a lot one of the girls there refuses to even talk to me anymore so I just hang up when she says her name. I miss you so much that it hurts so bad down to the bottom of my being.

I cannot describe what I feel sometimes it is an ambiguous feeling the pain is tremendous and the knowledge of never ever being able to have you in my life as a physical being again is horrific.

We had our ups and our downs but we always had each other no matter what. Now I don't have you anymore and I am having such a hard time dealing with that aspect in my life. Storm still needs you so much in his life and he no longer has you and I know that is hard on him even though he will never admit that. You know how he is so unemotional it is almost unnatural.

The one person he looked up to and talked to the most was you, and you are not here anymore for him. He needed you so much in his life and to help him and you are gone now. He really has no one to challenge him anymore and to make him think and to become the best he can be. I try and Sissy tries and I hope it will all work out for him. He loved you and emulated so much of the good of you. He respected the fact that you were so intelligent and knew so much and looked up to you for all that you knew.

You were two little peas in the same pod and were so smart and played off each other and the knowledge that both of you had. You depended on each other and if one didn't know it then the other did and you talked all the time about stuff and learned so much from each other.

I miss having you in our lives and having you call and just talk or ask for Stormie because he wasn't answering his phone.

Your dad got out of jail the other day and got probation for his charges. I wonder just how long it will be before he violates it all. I talked to him after the service for you and he swore he would change his life. He didn't and he ended up in jail for all of the things he did wrong.

I have a hard time each night realizing the fact you are not here. I watch the DVD and I go places and I think things and I have such a hard time accepting the reality of the fact you are not here with me anymore. I miss you so much and I love you and miss you so much that I cannot sometimes deal with the fact that you are not here with me anymore.

Who the hell am I trying to kid? I am having a very hard time accepting the fact you are not here with us anymore. I call the grief counseling line and they are so sick of hearing me call them that some of them won't even talk to me anymore. I watch that DVD and I miss you so much and wish you were here with us. I cannot accept the fact you are gone.

My life revolved around you for years. You were my life for years. When we moved to California it was you and I and I lived for you. You were my little putter head forever. Life changed when I moved in with Larry for both of us. I tried and I argued for you all the time. It never changed anything though and I am sorry for that. I always knew how you felt and I tried forever to change things for you and it never helped. All my trying to get Larry to express feelings for you were in vain. And your dad well that was a lost cause that never changed for you and I am sorry for that.

You always had Sissy, and Storm and myself. Omi as well even though she really didn't understand your needs and always preached instead. She loved you and will always love you just like all of us do. You had such a hard life where your dad was concerned and you never experienced love from any male figure in your life and for that I am sorry. I did the best I could do and what I thought was the best. It never happened and for that I have to ask your forgiveness.

I love you so much Cody, and I miss you and no words can describe the intensity of it. I have no words to that can describe what I feel for the loss of you and how devastated I am. I love you and I miss you Cody. Sleep well my son - mom

It's October Now!

It's now October and you have been away for a while now. With Halloween coming up it reminds me of the many Halloweens I took you out to Trick-or-Treat.

The one that stands out for me the most is the Halloween you almost drowned in Omi and Dad's pool. I was making a potato salad for Dad's birthday and you were just toddling around at that time. You were in the kitchen with me and Dad came in and was talking to me from the doorway and when he left I looked around and you were nowhere to be found. I walked out to the screened deck and saw you under water. I ran over there and reached down and pulled you out. I was so scared. You were just floating downward and looking up. I was so glad for all the times I had taken you to the pool and taught you how to hold your breath under water.

Shady hadn't even barked to let me know you had fallen in and I never heard a sound even though all the doors and the windows were open. You were none the worse from wear and it didn't even faze you one little bit. We still took you out later to go Trick-or-Treating.

That was one of your most favorite times of the year because of all the candy you would get. You went for years even long after you should have quit going out. You would go out with Stormie even to get Candy and steal his when you could get away with it.

I sure miss you. I missed you last night while I was watching Storm's competition and wished you could have been there with me to watch him perform. He is so right on target and snaps right to attention at the end of each song. I am glad he loves band as much as he does since it is the only thing he does in school each year.

I know you hated it because you had to carry your sax to school and back every day when you were in band.  I wish I knew what Pa did with your Sax, I would love to have it. I haven't heard from or seen Pa since the service but I guess he is ok. Not that anyone would ever call me and tell me anything anyway.

I am sure my dismal ways sometimes probably wear on Storm because there are days I just start to cry for no reason thinking about you. But he sure puts on a great face. I Thank God I have him to help me get through this. And for Sissy because if not for her as well I think some days I wouldn't want to live anymore. I never conceived this in any of my wildest dreams that this would ever again happen to our family. I know if you would have known the outcome of that night you would still be here with us. You would never have wanted to cause pain to any of us ever.

Storm even talked about you the other night to virtual strangers about your accident. That is the first time ever I have ever heard him talk about what happened that night. He never even talks to me about it ever. I was proud of him talking about it.

I sure miss your joking and teasing and even the arguments we had. I would give anything to have you back with us. The days pass and time goes on but you are so still with me each and every day in my heart and in my thoughts. In little moments of remembering or wanting to talk to you. To show you the new pets or the goats or just to say I love you. There is such a big hole in my life without you and not being able to share even little things with you anymore.

I am hoping China will have puppies in November and I know you would have been so excited about that to have a bunch of new chow puppies to play with. I can see you now in my minds eye just how you would be around them. You would have your favorites and you would name them all I am sure just like you did those stupid chickens we had. You would bug me to keep one of them and I would have to tell you no Cody no.

You and those stupid puppy pads when we first got Mojo, China and Luna. What a bright idea that was on your part. Never again. Took me forever to break Mojo from peeing on the bathroom carpets because they were the same color as those darn puppy pads.

I know I don't write very often right now but it is not because I don't think about it. I just seem to be having such a hard time that when I try I just start crying so much and then I can't. But Cody I love you so much and I miss you horribly more then anyone can know or understand. Sleep well my son - mom

September 25th - Birthday celebration for Takoda and Kelli

I have been looking forward to this day for the last 2 months. When I could spend time with Takoda and also with Kelli. The last time I saw either one of them was on your Birthday.

I had Omi pick us up yesterday and that did not go well at all. But that is neither here nor there really. Although Storm said he sat back and watched the show. Oh well.

When we got up to Omi's last night Luna was all over Storm and I. Omi was like Luna was the dumbest dog she ever had but Luna always sits there waiting for commands from us and won't listen to Omi when we are there. I sat there today and looked at her outside while I was smoking and I know she loved you totally and was your dog. She misses you as much as we do.

We got up there late around 3pm. Takoda was so hyper he really did not want to be held he was having a blast though. When Kelli finally got there she was able to hold him lots more then we were able to. I thought about you so much on the way home.

I really missed you and I know you would have been there if you were here. Like Kelli said she missed you calling her and telling her happy birthday. We all missed you so much today.

Omi thought I was upset because I am not close to where Takoda lives and can't see him very often. I was not upset about that I was upset because you should have been there and you would have been there if you could have been. I was upset because I missed you so much and you were missing so much. I was upset because you would have been there for everyone. I miss you and I can't hide that fact and the ache in my heart over it is so real all the time.

I can't look at Mojo or China ever without thinking about you. Luna was yours and does she really think I could forget that ever?

I looked at her today She has a disposition like you had. You were 2 peas in a pod Cody. I miss you so much. You and I had our ups and downs and we had out differences many, many times. You might have thought I didn't love you. But I love you so much.

None of this is right. You should be here and I shouldn't be without you and neither should anyone else that loved you and cared about you. Takoda should not be growing up without you in his life, but he is. Storm should not be living the rest of his days without you either and Brandy and Loralei should still have you in their lives. But none of us have you anymore and all we can do is try and honor your memory and keep you alive in our hearts and in our memories and remember you. I love you so much and I miss you so much. I have a hard time sometimes coping but I try. Someday we will be together again I really believe that. I love you so much Cody, I miss you more then I can describe to you. Sleep well my son - mom

Omi's Birthday Today

After reading Kelli's post a few minutes ago it really got me so upset. Then I saw I had a message from Leesa saying how "Walking in Memphis" had played where she was at training earlier. Then to top it off today is Omi's Birthday and I know I would have called you today to make sure you gave her a call and wished her "Happy Birthday" today.

I holler to an empty room and ask why.. Why did this happen... Why you... I scream at an empty room and can't control the waves of tears that stream down my face or the sobs that rack my soul. I cry for all that is lost for you all the experiences you lost all the days you missed. The joy of life that should have been yours for years to come.

The time we still would have had together and the memories you and I would still have shared. I cry because never again will I get those phone calls at all the strange hours from you because as you used to tell me all the time, "Mom I knew you would still be up." I cry because never again will I hear the words "I love you, mom" or feel your arms wrapped around me giving me one of your hugs.

I cry because it is so unfair that the only place you will ever be anymore is in the middle of my bed where you always loved to be. I cry because I miss the son I loved so much and gave me such a hard time and always kept me on my toes.

I cry because I remember the vibrant, happy go lucky kid you were. Always laughing and teasing and so fun loving. It is unreal to feel so much pain inside and to hurt so badly. Thankfully when the brunt of it really hits me Storm isn't around to witness it.

The intense waves of grief are horrible, overwhelming and then I question everything. The reasons why things are the way they are. I question why I am even still here on this earth. Why I have to go through this and what did I do in my life that justifies the loss of you after already losing Dale so many, many years ago.

Sissy lives so far away the only way we talk is over the phone or on skype now and then. There is not much I can do for her or for Loralei so far away. Only Stormie really still needs me and then only so he can finish his school here and then off he goes to college and then no one will be here to need me anymore. The only thing I did look forward to was always knowing in my heart that you would end up back here living here again and then I wouldn't be here alone. But that is gone and it will never be. So now I even question my own existence anymore and what good am I anymore really.

Takoda is so far away and I don't really hear from them very often at all. Trinity I am sure I will never see her again even though they live close. So what is the reason for being here anymore? I don't have any influence anymore on anyone those days are long gone.

Even Storm told me a few weeks ago that after college he plans on moving to Australia to live so then no one will be around anymore. Just you and I here all alone only I can't talk to you and hear you talk back to me anymore.

I just miss you so much and can't fathom the reasons why this happened. Why life had to turn so horribly wrong for all of us. Why this happened to you and the impact this has had on everyone. Not just me but on Takoda, Storm, Sissy, Omi, Kelli and everyone else that knew you and loved you.

All I know is that it is so unfair and painful. Missing you hurts so much and knowing there is nothing that can be done to change it. There are reminders of you all over this house. Even in the backyard with the trees you cut down that I still haven't been able to burn. I wish I could feel peace some days and not feel all this emptiness and pain that I do on a daily basis.

I love you so much Cody, and I miss you more each day. Sleep well my son - mom

Sissy's Birthday!

Today is Sissy's 31st Birthday. I know she is missing you today and missing a Happy Birthday from you.

This past week has brought back a lot of memories and old friends as well. I talked to Dennis for the first time in almost 10 years this past week. He used to do all kinds of stuff with you and Sissy. He was always a good friend and loved you both. He didn't make the service but he tried to get there.

I know Sissy remembers him more then you do but he loved having you around as well.

Today you should be teasing Sissy about going over 30 and how does that feel? But you aren't here to do that. I know she misses you so much and wishes you were still here. We all wish you were still here with us and teasing and laughing with us and loving and just being you.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you or miss you or wish I could talk to you. Life is not the same nor will it ever be. Some days are a struggle all the way around. Some days it is very hard to just go on but we do.

I know that you would tell Sissy you love her and you wish her a very Happy Birthday. I know you would have called her and talked to her today if you were here with us. I know how much you loved her and looked up to her all your life. Even when you didn't want to listen to me you did listen to her.

I want you to know how much you are loved and how much you are missed. Sleep well my son - mom

A Letter

Cody,

I am writing this letter to the man that owns the house next door to the utility pole that you hit. I want him to know what I think of him. I also want him to know about you.

I don't know your name although it wouldn't be hard to find out what it is again. All I have to do is call up the insurance company again to find out. You who didn't waste one minute to put in a claim into Cody's insurance company about a lousy mailbox he hit before hitting that utility pole that ended his beautiful life.

I am haunted about visions of that fateful night. Visions that never leave me no matter how hard I try and put those thoughts out of my mind. He was not quite 25 years old when his life ended. He left behind a wonderful older sister that thought the world of him. I younger brother that looked up to him and adored him no matter how much they fought sometimes about stupid stuff. A mother that loved him more then life itself and now has to live with the knowledge that he will no longer ever come home again.

Let me tell you about my son, Cody, the one whom you were so quick to trash the pictures that were placed there and the crosses and the angel placed by his sister. The one whom you gave no regard to. Whom you felt it necessary and that you felt had so little meaning that you threw everything placed there by family and friends into a trash can.

Cody loved life and loved living it to the fullest. He was ready to help anyone that needed it if he could in any way help them. He loved his family with all his heart no matter what and stood up for each and every one of them. He didn't hold grudges against anyone and was always ready with even the shirt off his back if it would have been needed. He loved to laugh and to make other people laugh and was always happy. He never complained about petty things or about how life had mistreated him. He was a computer whiz and loved nothing better then to help anyone with a computer problem and fix it for them. He wanted to get a degree in Computer Science and was working towards that. He loved animals and they all had an affinity for him and loved him in return. He was sensitive and caring and never went out of his way to ever hurt anyone's feelings. He loved his friends and always loved spending time with them. He loved to tease and bring a smile to your face. If you needed a shoulder to cry on or someone to listen to you he was always there for that. He loved to laugh and to make others happy and sometimes went to far out of his way to do that.

This is the person you treated like dirt and regarded so little that you took things that did not belong to you and decided that you could just throw it all away like trash. I pity you because you seem to have so little disregard for another human being that I am sure when you leave this world there won't be many there to be sorry to see you gone from here. Anyone with as little regard as you have is indeed in need of pity because you cannot really be a part of the human race. Most people have compassion for others and the misfortunes they endure or the sadness of what they go through but you don't or you wouldn't have done what you did and bring more grief onto Cody's family and friends. So yes I pity you.

Yet you were worried about a stupid mailbox. Life means so little to you I take it that it didn't matter that a young man's life ended and he would never grace this earth again. Material things meant way more to you then the life of my son, Cody. How you even were able to get the name of his insurance company so soon after the accident remains a mystery to me. You placed that report to his insurance company on Saturday, the 12th of March. I didn't even have the name or the number myself until Monday the 14th of March.

I was aghast to learn there was already a claim into his insurance company already and for all things a damn mailbox. How totally petty of you to worry about a stupid mailbox when a life was lost. A life that was snuffed out at such a young age. He would never see his son or be a part of his life. Never hold him, talk to him, give him a kiss or tell him he loved him. But, yet you were worried about a stupid mailbox.

I guess a mailbox is more important then a life. A human life is worth what $30.00 dollars to you? That is the worth of a person? You must not have children or maybe your own children are only worth that to you. If you do have children then I guess it wouldn't matter to you either if something so earth shattering was to happen to them. If your life was so devastated and turned upside down over something like this. If your child was never ever to come home to you again in this lifetime.

You have no heart and no conscience it really amazes me. On Memorial Day two of his friends left a cross there at the place where his life ended to remember him by. For his birthday his sister, Brandy flew out there to pay her respects at the place where he left us. Leesa spent countless hours crafting and making the cross that they all placed there on his birthday on July 10th. Storm, his little brother put his feelings for the first time out there for anyone to see when he wrote to Cody. The pictures that were attached to the pole were for others to remember Cody by and to honor the brother and friend they lost.

Yet you in your infinite wisdom took it upon yourself to less then a month later walk over to that pole and rip down the pictures that were placed there. To remove the crosses that were set to remember him and to let others know that someone had a horrible accident there. To hopefully let others know that maybe they shouldn't do what he did.

You claimed that you had left it all there for 4 months. Yet my son, Cody, was not even gone yet for 4 months when those items were placed there. You took the angel his sister placed there to watch over him, the crosses, the pictures and you took it upon yourself to destroy everything.

Who the hell are you? What type of person are you? Who the hell raised you? I hope you do not call yourself a compassionate person or even a christian, because you are so far from it. You don't own that property, you don't own that pole, you own nothing there and had no right to remove anything. No one saw it there driving by. The only way to see it was to walk by there. You had no right for what you did to me his mother, his sister, or his friends. You are a horrible human being and cannot even be termed as human in any way.

Too bad I don't live anywhere close to where you live so I could actually confront you in person and tell you what I honestly think of you. Maybe someday God will grant me the chance to actually meet you and ask you why you have no heart.

Cody I am so sorry there are people in the world like this person. But we both already knew there were just that we really never had to meet them too often in our lives. I love you so much and if there was anything I could do I would. I miss you so much and wish you were here for me to talk to. Thank you for coming to see me in my dreams now and then.

I love you!! and I miss you - Sleep well my son - mom

The Past

Cody,

Tonight I am so missing you, I want to talk to you so much. I don't talk to hardly anyone ever except for Omi, Sissy and Storm. I miss you calling me and telling me what is going on with you and bugging me with whatever it is you want at the moment.

I miss just you bullshitting me. I miss you playing around and teasing or being a total pain in the ass.

I look at all the pictures and remember all the times and what you were like at those ages. Things we did, places we were or where we lived when they were taken. You and I had a lot of rough times and hard times. I think a lot of it brought us closer together then most children and their parents. You loved to be a pain to me. For some reason sometimes I think you just way enjoyed it too much.

Do you remember when we met Gene? I went to work for him doing surveying down in the Modesto valley? We lived in the motel for months and I had to get you a baby sitter for while we were there? One day I came home and no one knew where you were? I finally found you in the apartments behind the motel? I was so scared you had been taken by someone. You just loved it there because we had a pool and we ate all kinds of junk food all the time because we didn't have a kitchen so we had to eat out all the time.

I think when we first lived in California that was probably the best time for you because it was just you and I. You had me all to yourself for a long time before you had to share me with anyone again. It was just you and I against the world pretty much.

I bought you a bike and it was stolen right off the front porch of the house we lived at, they cut the bike lock and stole it. We had the crazy roommate from hell.

Tante Eva didn't really like us from the start when we first moved there to California. When you had your very first migraine headache and they had gone up to their cabin, and we were left home alone and you got sick all over the carpet just in front of the bathroom she had a fit about it when they got home because I couldn't get all the red out from the baby tylenol I had given you for your headache earlier.

They never really did anything with us ever. Uncle Hans had wanted to take us with them but she was totally against it. She hated the fact I had long fingernails and she couldn't grow them so she was always complaining about it. In order to work for them I had to cut them or gee when you smoke it looks horrible because you are missing part of your finger and you are smoking with your right hand and that makes it so noticeable, I was like OMG what petty crap you come up with.

She always complained about you as well. Nothing was ever good enough even though we cleaned their house, did their dishes and worked in their back yard and fixed their fence and all the other stuff you and I did around there. Well mostly me because you were still only little but you know what I mean.

Even her kids were better then you were as far as she was concerned. You couldn't even play any play any of their games and when you did all hell would break loose because her kids would complain about it. But wasn't it funny in the later years her kids had no clue about anything and who was always asked to go down and fix their computers?

Upgrade them, do this, do that, fix them, etc? Why OMG really? it was me. Who grew up later watching me do stuff? Or rather who made you learn how to fix stuff you screwed up because I got sick and tired of fixing what you did? You got really good at doing things computer related and even sometimes I had to ask you how to do something because I did not know how or was too lazy to figure it out myself.

Amazing how none of their kids could even hold a candle to your intelligence and knowledge in later years. But as far as they were concerned I was a totally unfit parent. Especially Tante Eva, who only loved gossip and to hear the worst about anything. Asking questions and wanting to know stuff she had no business knowing in the first place. She loved to say bad stuff about people and to hear bad things as well to try and make herself feel better about herself. She has a long way to go before she can classify herself that way.

Family should always stick together but I really feel she has no sense of what family is really all about. She tries to alienate all of the family especially anyone that belongs to Uncle Hans's side of the family. Not like she has any brothers and sisters on her side to look after her in the event something ever happens to Uncle Hans before her. We should both feel sorry for her as she really doesn't know all the things she does and says and the implications of what her actions and what she says is on other people.

I really believe you in your heart knew the meaning of family and how important it was to you. You even tried so hard to look beyond all the bad your dad did and still loved him in spite of all it all. I know you loved him and you really wanted him to be a part of your life just like Brandy, Storm and I were. Unfortunately it never worked out the way you wanted it to with him. But you did know what it meant.

I really don't know what to say about your dad. He used to be a really good guy but that changed somewhere along the line. He got addicted to stuff. I saw it when we lived in Houston and he used to do a lot of coke and go the bars all the time. He would spend his last buck on it.

Years later I could see how much he was not the dad I wanted you to have. Not that I didn't try and make it work with him, because I did. Finally it was just about did I want you to grow up in the environment we were in or did I want you to grow up differently then what he was a part of.

I chose the latter because I really did not feel like he was a good influence on either you or on Brandy. Look at what he has become now and how he treated Andrew and Katlyn as well. I really believe you were way better off then growing up with him in your life. I know you loved him and really never understood why we left  but he was not a good influence for you and I never wanted you to ever be like him. The biggest thing you ever did for me was to make me proud of the fact you were not like him in any way.

I am very sorry you were not able to have the relationship you wanted with him. But he is not willing and may never be willing to have a relationship with any of his children. The only thing he ever sees is his wants and needs and he puts that above any of you kids. What he wants is way more important to him then anything else. His drugs and whatever comes first and more then likely always will. You deserve so much more then that Cody.

Always amazed me how many times Buster would act so surprised that I left David because he would beat the shit out of me. Every time it was brought up he would act like it was the first time. I guess he never remembered how he had to fly David from Houston back to Tennessee because he beat me while I was pregnant with you with the buckle end of the belt and this after I had been bed ridden for months just to be able to keep you and not have a miscarriage because I had so many problems carrying you in the first place.

He always tried to tell me anything that was wrong with you was just because I left your dad in the first place. He would never acknowledge that David learned his behavior long before I met him, while he was growing up with granny and pa.

I saw where it came from back in 1991 when you and I lived with granny and pa and you were running back and forth on the front porch one day. Pa got so mad at you for doing that and his face was so purple and all the veins on his neck stuck out just like your dad's would do when he was mad at me.  


I will also never forget the morning he got mad at one of the ladies that lived at the home that had alzheimers and she was roaming up and down the hall and came into the dining room. He told her to go back to her room and we were both in the kitchen at the time. When she didn't and was wandering around the dining room he sort of tossed/shoved her back towards the door and she fell down. Later I told granny about it and that if I ever saw that again I would turn them in for elder abuse.

 I just miss talking to you so much. This should not ever have happened. I should have just moved us all back to Canada or maybe I should have moved us to Australia years ago when I was going to. Storm was like I would not be here if you would have done that. I told him maybe you wouldn't look like you do now and not talk like you do but I am sure you would have been here. I just want you to be here too, it is not right that you are not here. It is not natural especially all I went through to just have you in the first place. You overcame so much to just be born.

Never ever doubt I love you, and that I miss you so much Cody. Sleep well my son - mom

Cody's Memorial

Cody,

I am pretty upset about what happened to your memorial and extremely upset at the person that took everything down.

The fact that someone has the gall and the balls to take stuff that does not belong to them and is not on their property and to put it all in the garbage just infuriates me. What on God's green earth gave him the right to decide to take what others put up to memorialize you and to honor your remembrance?

Not only does he take it all and throw it all away he lies and claims he left it up for 5 months when you have only been gone for 4 and nothing was really put up until your birthday on July 10th. The only other thing that was placed there was put up in May on Memorial day so that was only there for 2 months.

Leesa spent a tremendous amount of time making the cross for your Birthday Memorial and that was taken and destroyed and the other cross that was placed there on Memorial Day was also removed and thrown away. The angel that Sissy put there on your birthday was taken along with all the pictures that were placed on the pole. The message to you from Storm was taken.

How insensitive can a person be to take and remove those items and throw them away? The pictures on the Utility pole alone defiantly were not on his property and he had absolutely no right to remove them. The people in the house one over didn't even know they were there and that only shows how unobtrusive they were and that they were not a distraction to drivers anywhere. 

He left the Trix candy bar rapper there next to the pole and if he owned the property why did he not remove the trash? Why has he not mowed around that area? Why? because he does not own it in the first place and what he did was wrong by all accounts.

Feelings

Here I am tonight Cody, I talked to Beverlee's mom, Sheila tonight for a long time. Yes we have become friends, I know you would understand. It is nice to talk to someone that knows how you how feel and I appreciate her friendship.

I am missing you so much tonight, especially with these kittens Storm and I brought home this morning. The little calico and the orange and white one remind me of Sophie and Oddball. Although they don't totally look like them it just reminds me of them.

The other night after my post and the comments on it I called the grief counselor and talked for a long time. They are just great about listening to me and being very objective about what I say. He was like you sound extremely angry, I told him I am angry and I don't know if I can ever get over my anger about it all.

The lies, the deceit, all of it, not sure I will ever get over any of it. You know I don't forgive lies easily and it takes a lot for me to trust again when that happens. Everything that surrounds you is most of it is so full of lies and deceit and nothing regarding the truth.

You are gone and why does it all continue on? why is it so important to continue all the lies and the deceit? Why was it important to make you out as the bad guy? That you were a bad guy after you were gone? I know better and anyone that truly knew you also knew better than that. But why was it so important to her to try and make you out as you were a bad guy? Why tell me lies about you? Why tell your friends lies about you?

You and I know so much better, Cody. What did I always tell you? What did I instill in you for years and years? For you to grow up and be your dad? never ever would you have done that. What would have the consequence for that have been? What did I tell you the first time I ever heard her over the phone? You called me so sick and wanted to go the doctor and she was screaming at you and I asked who that was and you said your girlfriend. I told you I would never put up with that and you told me then I know mom.

I know you didn't want to be there, every time you called me and she was around you made me wait to talk about things when she finally was out of range or couldn't hear anymore. You wanted to stand on your own finally and not come home with your tail tucked and I understand that. But I know you wanted to come home and I was so looking forward to you coming home.

I am sorry that you got so stuck with her for so long and had to deal with all the abuse you did, you did not deserve it by any means. I heard her cuss you out and scream at you plenty of times when you were on the phone with me and I know you were not happy there or being around her. I just wish you would have said mom I want to come home. You never deserved what you received at her hands or the hands of her mother.

I love you so much Cody and I miss you, God I miss you so much, Sleep well my son - mom

The "Truth of it All"

Cody, I can write this now with a clear conscience and not feel bad about writing about all this now. After your birthday and Sissy tried to get a hold of Jessica and Tess Bascom, and Jessica hid in the house and Tess ignored the FB email that Sissy sent, I don't see any reason why I shouldn't get all this off my chest now about what happened.

After I got the call from Jessica at 12:01 about your accident and I called everyone to let them all know, I called Jessica back to find out what was going on and if I could talk to an officer or a paramedic or someone and she told me that they told her they would call me when they could I hung up and waited. Later on I called her back and asked about your phone because I didn't have the numbers for Ross and Stephen and wanted to tell them myself about what happened she told me the police had it. I talked to the officer in charge and told him that I wanted your phone released to her so she could get me the numbers. I contacted the dept front desk like he told me to and told them I wanted your phone released to her.


That was my 1st big mistake. Trusting her.

When she got your phone she was all nosy and found all your text messages to the others and got all jealous. She finally gave me the numbers I needed so I could call Stephen and tell him. Of course by that time she had already posted on your wall and people were figuring it out and his brother saw the post and had already told him about it.

All that Saturday and Sunday she was all sorry and telling me how she wanted to do everything she possibly could to help and to help try and bring you home. By Sunday she was going on about how she had paid for half your car and her mom had paid the insurance on it etc. By Monday it was even more direct on how now she had no car and she had helped you out and now she was screwed etc, etc.

Sissy was the one handling everything with the insurance company where your car was concerned and I was dealing with them regarding getting you home and your services. Everything she was saying made me feel sorry for her and she was acting like you had used her etc. and that you had used her mom and that you owed her.

2nd Mistake - believing her.

She had said that a lot of your friends wanted to come here to Tennessee for the service and were trying to raise money to help get you home and to come out here. How she wanted to be the one to bring you home to me and bring me your belongings. How bad she felt about it all and she was so sorry and she wanted to make it up to me, etc.

On Monday afternoon I talked to Sissy and told her that I felt since she supposedly paid half for your car (Which I found later was a lie and also from the insurance from the first car you wrecked and how the money from the insurance paid for the second car)  and Tess had paid for the insurance that maybe we should give her half the money from your settlement from the car. But from that money she should pay for them to bring you home and for the friends of yours that wanted to come to come out here and the gas would be paid from that money. Whatever was left after that she could keep to use towards a car for herself.

So Sissy talked to her later on, on Monday and told her we would give her $2,000 which was actually more then half of the money and she was to use it for paying the gas for those who wanted to come out for them and then whatever was left was hers to keep towards a car for herself. She jumped on that so fast and was like oh thank you I will and I so appreciate what you are doing for me and for everyone else. I will let everyone know what you are offering and make sure they know about it.

3rd Mistake - Thinking she was genuinely appreciative and would tell your friends

Tess said she wanted to have a memorial service for you there in Omaha for your friends and those that would not be able to come to Tennessee for the service here. Sissy and I were so happy she was doing that for you. We thanked her and were touched about everything she was doing and that Jessica said she was doing for you out there to remember you and to honor you there. The service was set for that Thursday the 17th of March,  for you out there in Tess's church and Tess posted it and sent it your friends out there. Tess was helping Brandy try and get everything resolved with the insurance company as well for Sissy to get the check from them for your car. So we could pay the way for your friends to come out with Jessica and for her to bring you home to us.

The day of your service there it was quite divided between her friends and those that knew you through her and the friends you made prior to having met her and that you knew through Nick. Certain people were wearing orange T-shirts in your honor and it was stated later that the reason they were was it was your favorite color for the "Gators" and the reason they were was because they had helped with your service. All those 'certain' people of course were her friends. No one else was told about it at all and when Nick and some of your other friends showed up they didn't know a thing about it.

She also asked Leesa at your service if she could buy her car from her and offered the money we were sending her the entire 2K for her car. At your service would have been the opportune time as well to inform all your friends that we were going to pay for the gas for them to come out here for your service here and she didn't tell anyone about it. She had started to look for cars right away after Sissy told her about the money and looking for a car for 2K. She had no intention whatsoever to use any of that money to pay for the gas for your friends to come out here. She didn't tell anyone about it at all.

Nick and your friends through him all went out and got something to eat and talk about you after the service out there. They were the only ones that were there. Jessica and her friends didn't treat any of them well at your service at all. Didn't even really acknowledge their presence there either and made them feel out of place for even being there.

She had originally been calling me constantly up to Monday evening talking to me and crying on my shoulder about all the things she had found on your phone and the fact you were seeing Jess Decker. How upset she was about it. She didn't even call the girls on your phone personally and tell them what happened. No, she sent them a text to tell them. How impersonal and how inconsiderate of a way to tell someone what happened to you. How totally unconscionable of a way to tell your friends of what has happened to you.

After Tuesday I hardly heard from her at all anymore. I talked a lot to Leesa and to Jess Decker and on Sunday evening I talked to Nick. None of them even knew about the fact that Sissy and I were offering to pay for the gas for them to come out. None of them even knew about it. Here they had been trying to figure out how to come out here on their own and to pay for their way out here. When I spoke to Nick he was totally shocked we were doing that and so appreciative of that. He said he would tell the rest of them about that so they could try and get time off from work to come out here and be here with us for the service here.

4th Mistake - Wasting time listening to Jessica's BS

I talked to Jessica after talking to Nick and let her hang herself with the BS lies she was telling me. She didn't know that I had talked to Nick and that she had not told anyone about the fact we were offering to pay the gas for them to come out here. She lied to me about it and said she had and she didn't know why I was upset and that she was being honest and had told them. How she thought all that money was for her and she could do what she wanted with it. Yep she hung herself way way out to dry with all the lies she was telling me.

Then Sissy got a email from them telling her that if she didn't deposit the 2K into Tess's bank account they were going to sue us for it. She told Sissy her mom told her to tell her that and that it was not her idea but Tess's to send Sissy the email.

Sissy got a call from Tess that Monday as well telling her that Jessica had decided she was not going to come out here for the service that she didn't want to come since Jess Decker was going to come that it was in the best interest of Jessica and that they had decided the night before that was the best thing to do.

So I called Braman's on Tuesday and told them to send everything to me and nothing was going to be picked up. Tess and Jessica had said that they would pack up all your stuff and that Nick could pick it up and bring it to us. It took days for the response to that as well if they were going to do it or not. It wasn't until the last minute that they said he could come get your belongings.

For two weeks Sissy and I had to deal with so much drama and BS it was amazing. On top of the fact that you were gone and that we would never see or talk to you ever again. The drama didn't end with your service either it has still continued on since. It isn't bad enough we lost you but to have so much pain inflicted on us on top of it is totally uncalled for. That these people have no conscience whatsoever and don't give a shit about anything or you.

That Tess, as a mother herself would inflict the pain and the BS she has on me as your mother is abhorring to me. That they would lie and keep your belongings and go even to the extent of keeping all your mail. For god's sake I mean "REALLY?"

When the kids got her that Saturday evening and gave us your belongings I was amazed that there was hardly anything there. When Sissy got your phone and saw the memory card had been removed that was just so infuriating I mean really. Jessica claimed that she kept your memory card because it was hers and you had taken it to use in your phone. Like phones don't come with them? There no pictures nothing on your phone.

She had even gone so far on Tuesday and Wednesday prior and changed all the passwords to all your accounts so that Sissy couldn't get on them anymore. Then claimed she changed them all back and she did it only because she had thought your FB account was hacked. Well it showed she had changed them all but never changed them back. She even lied about all that. She tried it with your FB account and your email accounts. She even tried it with your WoW account. She was even still using my Netflix account watching movies on it after your accident until I let the account expire and didn't renew it.

She claimed you had loaned your "Dragon Age II" game to someone and didn't know who it was. The game you had purchased on the 8th of March and had spent all that time waiting in line at Wal-Mart waiting on it to go on sale, and also bought the book for.

Yet later I get a FB message from Ashley letting me know she had the game and could she beat it then send it to me? For me to please not let Jessica know I knew that.

That people were seeing her brother wearing your clothes in public stuff she kept and didn't return to us. The shirts I got back from her were shirts that most of them I never saw in my life before ever much less something you would even wear out in public. One pair of dress shoes were sent to me and a bunch of dress pants but no jeans and she claimed you didn't own any jeans you always wore hers. I guess you never wore boxers either or socks as none were even sent to us.

None of your dress shirts were in there that you wore over T's it was amazing how little you owned compared to what you went out there with. That big box of all the games with the boxes that you hauled all over the country every time you went anywhere. The other hard drive of yours that was kept and not returned to us. Cody you were reduced to one milk crate of school books, the black bag of dress shoes and some dress pants and a bag of 19 shirts that most of them you wouldn't have worn if paid to much less ever be caught dead wearing. All the shirts you took out there with you and that there are pictures of you wearing we didn't get any of those back.

She even called me the night before Nick and them left to come out here and told me she had forgotten about your blanket and would get that to me. Nick was finally able to pick it up weeks after they got back up there. I was thankful to even get that back. But later when I was making the DVD and posted on your wall she asked me to send her 5 of them and she had found more of your belongings and as soon as she got the DVD's she would send them to me as then she would have my address.  Well she got the DVD's at my expense, never said thank you and I have yet to even receive one item of yours.

When Sissy was there for your Birthday, she went to their house and saw the little brother walk into the house and walked to the door and knocked, I was on the phone with her and she waited about 5 minutes repeatedly knocking and no one would even answer the door. They were hiding in there and ignored Sissy.

Sissy also contacted Ashley about the game and was told by her that Tess had requested her to give it back to them as they had a falling out and she wanted to make sure that the game was returned to us. Yeah we have yet to hear anything on that either.

Sissy sent Tess an email. This is what she sent her:

To Tess Bascom-Neilson:

I wanted to say thank you for what you guys all did for Cody on his Birthday. I also wanted to know when we should be expecting the rest of Cody's belongings? You told my mom that you would send them but we have yet to receive them? While I was there in Omaha I asked Jessica to call, but she didn't, and my mom left you a message to call me as well but neither one of us heard from you either. I even stopped by your house on Monday but I guess no one was home because no one answered the door when I rang the door bell and knocked. I contacted Ashley Brown while I was there to get the computer game that Cody had bought not long before his accident (Dragon Age 2), and had let her borrow. But she told me that since her and Jessica had had a falling out you had her return the game to you so that you could return it to us. We would appreciate it if you would return the remainder of Cody's belongings to us. Something I don't understand is how you as a mother would not make sure that all of things had already been returned. I know I may be a new mom and all of that without all the experience that you and other mom's have with your children but in just the year and half that I have had with my daughter I know that I would do anything for her, but I also know that I know the difference between right and wrong, and what has transpired with all of the drama and lies about Cody's things since his accident is wrong. You guys not returning Cody's belongings to us his family, when that's all that we have left of him, that's wrong. Jessica straight out lied about who he had even let borrow the game, Ashley contacted my mom and told us herself that he had let her borrow it and asked if she could finish it and then send it back to us, but according to Jessica Cody let "someone" from school that she didn't know borrow it. Then there's also the fact that she took the memory card out of his cell phone before she returned it. Ya know really I could care less about the memory card itself all I would like from it are the pictures of Cody that were on it, because come on now we all know Cody loved taking self portraits of himself, and those are now all that we have left of him. I appreciate all of the help and work that you put in helping us to figure things out with the insurance company. If it wasn't for that we would not have been able to have the service for him in Tennessee. I am still not quit sure how things got so confusing for everyone with the whole money thing since what my mom had told Jessica was that she would take 2k of the money and give it towards paying the way for any of the kids that wanted to come to Tennessee for his funeral there to come and that whatever was left she could keep towards helping her get a car. Because then all of a sudden she found out that Jessica had not even told some of Cody's friends that there was money for them to be able to come to Tennessee for his funeral if they wanted to. Jessica may not have had good feelings towards Nick and them at that moment but honestly it wasn't about how anyone felt towards the other, the whole thing should have been about making sure that anyone who had been friends with Cody knew that if they wanted to come to Tennessee to his funeral they could have. But unfortunately that's not the way that it was and all the whole thing did was start drama and a lot of BS that it should not have. I'm sorry if you feel that Jessica was lied to, but think about how my mom felt when Nick called her because Jessica wouldn't return his calls or texts when he was asking her when and where Cody's funeral was because he was going to try and drive out himself. She felt like Jessica had been lying to her as well. All of this is really here nor there, because there is nothing that we can do to change what has happened. All we would like is for you guys to return the rest of Cody's things to us because that's all that we have left of him.
Please let us know when we can arrange to have the rest of his things picked up from your house and will make sure that someone is there.
Thank You,
Brandy

Tess didn't even have the decency to respond to it.

It is just amazing that still they continue to be the way they are and to hang on to your stuff. Jessica has moved on she hit up on your buddy in California less then 2 weeks after your accident. Even went out there to see him for a week back in June.

Everyone is so amazed about Jess D. only knowing you for 2 weeks and the strong feelings she had for you, but yet here Jessica who knew you for 6 months and you didn't really mean squat to her for her to hook up with someone 2 weeks after you were gone. Chasing him and hitting up on him. Why keep your belongings? What good are they to her? Except to hurt me they didn't even send one bit of your mail. No W-2's nothing that I knew you had received for working out there. We don't even know where you worked at to do your taxes.

The lies we have been told and the BS drama we are put through by them is horrible.

Your birthday was a total insight into who your true friends are out there and those that care about you the most. Those that were respectful were there to pay their respects with Sissy and to spend your "Special" day with her and to honor you in a way befitting for you. For Jessica it appears to still be some sort of competition and to not honor you by not being considerate and sociable with all your friends and doing "Their" own thing and not all doing it together with all your other friends and with Sissy.

It is all about you and not about them. But they make it all about them and nothing about you. Yes, I am grateful they did recognize your birthday and do something but they could have done it with all your other friends that were close and meant the world to you as well. Not go in the dead of the night and then write on the pole like thieves in the night. Not ignore your sister who meant the world to you and treat her the way they did. Hide in their house and ignore the email that was sent.

I see the picture of Jessica's Tattoo and how infected and ugly it is and I think to myself - Cody is telling you something - You will always remember what he is telling you every time you look at that from here on out. Karma is Bitch and Cody is making sure you know how displeased he is with you right now in all you have done and said to his family.

In my heart of hearts I believe that is exactly what you are doing too. I know how upset you would be with all that has transpired and how everything was done to Sissy and myself and to Storm with everything. Most of the time lately I haven't even been able to write anything because I just get so upset over stuff that I just can't.

On your birthday I was so depressed after everyone left and so upset I spent hours up crying and finally called one of the hot lines to talk. I still get so upset over everything on how it has all happened and how it happened and how disrespectful some of them are that I just get so major depressed.

I wanted to write you today and tell you all this so you know since it is about time you did. I love you so much Cody, and I miss you so much, I think about you each and every day and miss you each and every day - Sleep well my son - mom

Oh wait there was a part in here I forgot to add - how Sissy was told just pay 1800 for the car that Jessica wanted and the other 200 that was left and the 100 they had gotten in donations could be used to pay for the gas for the kids that wanted to come out here - Wonder what ever happened to that 100 dollars they collected?

It's almost your 25th Birthday

Well Cody, Omi was here with me all week from Sunday until yesterday. We went to some seminar classes all week at Wildwood. It was pretty interesting for the most part. I gave away the last 2 of Luna's puppies last Sunday before Omi got here. A guy came over and took both of them for his 2 little girls and they will have 5 acres to run around on. I am sure they will love it there.

I thought about you a lot all week long and I really missed watching the DVD. I really couldn't because Omi was here and she doesn't agree with me watching it so much. I had so many memories going on inside my head, stuff I had almost forgotten because it was so long ago.

When you were almost 2 or about 2 and one of your baby teeth had come in sort of clear and I took you to the dentist and I had to hold you down and you poor baby screamed and screamed, because they waited so long after giving you the medicine to make you calm and sleepy to remove the tooth and by the time they finally called you back there the medicine was long gone in your system. They pulled out that baby tooth.

How you got your first stitches when you were about 3 or so because Granny gave you a pocket knife and the first thing you did was cut your wee little finger. It was at night and Pa called one of the dr.s from the church and drove you to their house and they stitched up your poor little finger.

I was thinking how we grew up together so to speak. I was 20 when I sissy and 26 when I had you. I worked a lot after I had you two, with sissy I worked 2 jobs a lot of the time. After you came along I ended up going back to Florida and starting the cabinet shop and I did that for 3 years or so.

It's like I was growing up with you and sissy at the same time you both were. We were close and like the 3 musketeers. We played video games together and watched movies together and listened to music together and did a lot of stuff together. I miss those days - playing Mario Brothers together and laughing and having so much fun. I wish we could all go back to those days.

I love you so much Cody, and I miss you more and more - Sleep well my son - mom

Sunday June 12, 20111

Every time I read how someone had a dream about you I have been so envious about it, because I had not had one dream about you since the accident.  Then on Monday morning I had a dream about you. In the dream you came to me and both of us knew you were gone but you had been allowed to come see me and talk to me again. I felt so much comfort from that dream of you Cody, felt as if you were here with me. We talked about things that had been going on since the night you left, about the drama and your belongings. I was so happy to see you and talk to you and hug you it was just so awesome. 

I miss you so much and even though you sleep with me every night and are still a part of my life each day even though you are not here physically I still talk to you and try and keep you in the loop of all the things that are going on. Maybe that is why I had that dream about you. 

I even had a dream about Aunt Teri a few days later. Everything is all playing on my mind and in my subconscious constantly, the feelings of being used and of dishonesty and the disloyalty to you and to your memory. I think it all culminated into this dream of everything I am feeling about everything where you are concerned. Somehow it all escalated into having this dream about you and telling you all that has been happening with everyone concerned and what has been happening with all the things you owned that were yours. It is unsettling to realize that nothing about you was as precious to other people as it was to your own family and that you being gone has created nothing but a bunch of vultures where some of your belongings are concerned.

No matter what I say or how I ask nothing gets returned to us it seems that mostly greed is the name of the game. So many have moved on with their lives and you are now just a fading distant memory and what was yours means nothing compared to what it means to myself, Storm and Brandy. 

I go through each day missing you and have such a hard time looking at your pictures without just totally breaking down and missing you so much, missing talking to you even fighting with you and everything about you. I miss the person you were and who you were becoming and even the things that are supposed to be helping me are not doing that great of a job. A big part of me was ripped out the night you had your accident and left me. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have to go through the rest of my life without you in it physically. 

I see so many kids that don't even come close to the man you were becoming that do some of the worst things and get to still be here, and here you are with one of the biggest hearts I have ever known and you are gone from my life forever. Where is the fairness in any of that? Even Jessica had no problem moving on but has yet to return most of your belongings even your memory card from your phone she kept. That didn't take her long to forget about you and go hook up with someone else.  You have only been gone for a little over 3 months and she hooked up with him within the first month you were gone. 

I really don't know Cody sometimes about people anymore. Yet, you always wondered why I decided to just hermit myself. Well it gave both of you boys time alone with just me and for us to become close and a family, I loved you both just that much, you were the most important people in my life and it didn't need to be clouded with some guy. 

I miss you so much and I just am having a really hard time dealing with this and your accident and that I will never see you again or hold you again or be able to tell you how much I love you. You were so extremely important to me whether you believed it or  thought you were. Both of you boys are and Sissy you are my world and the best part of my life. You all are the most perfect things I ever created. 

I love you so much Cody, and I miss you more and more each day - Sleep well my son - mom

Sitting here Thinking...

I was thinking about the response that Jasmine Blaney posted on Cody's wall in response to what I said about the James's.

Who am I supposed to feel sorry for myself? Buster who never bothered to call Cody back when he left the message on his answering machine? He, I am sure had not talked to Cody in almost a year and didn't bother to return the call because he was all worried it was about Cody going to ask him for money. Or should I feel sorry for Meg don't think so.

I think the ones the most devastated by this is, are my kids, Brandy and Storm, and my mom and myself. But I don't see where the sympathy lies in any of those areas. It seems all the sympathy lies with the James family who really didn't have much to do with him in the first place. Yes, Buster loved him but Buster complained about him constantly and never said many good things about Cody. Vicki and Megan are too wrapped up in their own lives to really give a crap about Cody or to ever have gone out of their way to ever have anything to do with him or to care what he was doing or anything about his life.

You know what matters is that your family cares about you and keeps in contact with you no matter what. That is not the case with any of the James's everything for them is all about themselves and nowhere does someone else ever impact their life if it has no value to them.

You know how I remember the Blaney's where Buster and Betty were concerned - the perfect kids they never had. So they surrogated them as their kids and treated them just as if they were. Yeah I am not perfect, never professed to ever be perfect and never will.

But my kids all of them Brandy, Cody and Storm are perfect. I couldn't be prouder of a child then I am of any of them. I am not perfect and they had to deal with a lot because of that from me. But I never lied to my kids or made myself out better then I ever was. I always told them I never wanted them to have to do or live the same life I had to or to have to deal with all the things I did.

So you want to tell me that you did not realize a phone call would help? Storm, Brandy, and I would have appreciated it more then you can even know. Not some post saying how you expected to walk into Megan's wedding.

None of you even requested a DVD I made up for Cody, not you or anyone in the James's family other then Andrew and Katy. I posted it repeatedly on his wall and not one request from any of you. It just shows me that it really doesn't mean that much to some people and show is more important then reality. He went out of his way for so many of you but you don't seem to realize just how much he did, or how much you all meant to him. And that he didn't mean the same amount for some people.

If you think I am being harsh, I am because he is my son and I always did my best for him and protected him to the best of my ability from all the bad things and the fact he really wasn't loved as much as he should have been by some members of his family. He can no longer say a word but I can on his behalf and I will until the day I am gone. If you don't like what I have to say, I really don't care, the only people that mean anything to me at this point is Cody, and Brandy and Storm and my mother and my grandchildren, other then that what anyone else thinks means squat to me.

So once again in response to your if you knew ...... Wonder why I don't go to an SDA church..... Why I don't preach to people or try and get them to be SDA..... because I have seen it too much in my life...

Cody I love you so very much..... I miss you more and more and more and more each day, it has been really hard for me lately, Sleep well my son - mom

Shannon

You know I decided to look at Shannon's FaceBook page for the day when you had your accident. You know Cody, she never liked you at all and we both knew that. She always complained about you whenever you would go down there. The day after your accident she made it all about her. She wasn't your mother, never even tried to be a real Step-Mother to you either. You were always competition to her children, since you were David's firstborn child and only child with me. She couldn't do anything about Brandy since Brenda and her were friends and if she wanted to alienate Brenda then she would have had to treat Brandy like she did you. But since you had no bearing on Brenda and her relationship, and my relationship with her was non existent she could alienate you from her.

Nowhere did she even post anything on her page about me, your mother. No she only worried about herself and made it out as like she was the only one and her kids dealing with your accident. Everything about Shannon has always been just about her and no one else. The more drama she creates that she is a part of the happier she is.

I remember all the summers you spent there when Granny and Pa had you come out to see them and they would still send you down there even after promising me they wouldn't do it. You would call me up all miserable and sad and just wanting to come home because you were so unhappy there. You were always the red-headed Step-Child there just like you were with Larry. Never accepted, never loved and always treated badly. You could do no right and everything you did was wrong.

How many times she would call me and tell me she didn't like you and how you were interfering in "Her" family and creating conflicts in her home. And you were just the most evil child she ever came across. Yet it is just amazing to me how you turned out so great and Andrew is the one using drugs, smoking cigarettes and drinking and is not anywhere near as smart or great as you. You who never used drugs or drank much ever and hated anyone smoking. Yet you were so bad? No you were great and you turned out so awesome made me so proud to call you my son. Even though sometimes I said the opposite when you were doing stupid stuff that I felt you shouldn't be doing. But I told you over and over many times how proud of you I was.

You were great and when I look at your other brother I wonder about that. None of them on that side of your family really gave a shit to ever keep in touch with you. Only now that you are gone they try and make it all about them when it isn't, they had their chances and chose not to when they had the opportunity to do so. I know you might not like what I am saying but I have to say it. It all weighs heavy on my heart and on my mind. I despise all the fake pretenses of how much you are missed by some that never had much to do with you in the first place or who never loved you to begin with.

I have always been outspoken where you are concerned and stuck up for you and I am going to say now all the things that are on my mind where you are concerned and all repercussions be damned over it. I am your Mother and I will always be that and I will always look out for you regardless of anything. The rest can just screw themselves.

I love you so much and I miss you so much - Sleep well my son - mom

Lately

I know I haven't written in a while... I have been pretty depressed lately and have not wanted to do much of anything. Storm left Thursday and went to California for the next month and some. So now I am all alone for the first time in years. I know if you were still here, you would have been home with me while he was gone. I guess that knowledge is what is depressing me so much. Every time I would think about Storm's up coming trip that thought was so much in my mind.

The drama is never ending as well and just continues on. Even drama surrounding the passing of Aunt Teri has been going on. It seems that people seem to create more crap after you are gone then they ever did while you or she were here. Why is it that some people all of sudden give a shit after you are gone then they ever did when you were here?  It is so damn disgusting that it makes me want to heave more then anything else.

I put a post on my wall that said " Do you really want to know what I think?" and that was all I wrote. Well apparently Shannon must have some sort of a guilty conscience because she was the one to answer that and create drama surrounding your computer. Although she tried to insinuate that they only owed you 600.00 for it as according to her bullshit they sent you wow.. 200.00 to send it to them, when you and I both know they only sent you 150.00 and you had to pay 220.00 to mail it and you insured it. They are all too stupid and computer illiterate to do what you said in order to make it work. Well they can bite you and I both they know they stole it from you. Kelli is still paying on that computer as it is. Too bad you didn't have Omi pick it up last year when I told you to have her get it while she was there. But you always were like that too, hoping for the best and it not happening.

She was giving me grief on the way home from the airport on how I am dealing with all of this. I finally told her that unless I stayed drunk 24/7 she could say something about how I am working through all this, but since that is not the case she needed to stay out of it. Yes, I dwell on it every day, and you sleep with me every time I sleep, since you are stay right in my bed in the middle. I watch your DVD a lot too. But I miss you and I love you, even if you feel you didn't hear that enough from me. I always loved you so very much. I always knew why you did the things you did and I excused them because I did know you so well and because I did love you so much. Yes, I gave you a harder time then Storm but that was because you needed me more and you needed to understand that you were needing to come to grips to what you were really upset about and who you were mad at the most. You had such a hard time with that and really never wanted to acknowledge that and you really needed to. I know you might not understand that but I did.

I still have a hard time with all this and I look at pictures of you and see you in my mind and can't believe any of this true. That I will never see or talk to you ever again. Sometimes I just think to call you and then I remember and that just depresses me more. I remember conversations or even arguments we had and I get so upset. I envision you in my room, on my bed, in the bathroom, or the kitchen or anywhere in this house. I just miss you so much. I get so scared for Stormie now. I lost your older brother and I now lost you too. I worry so much I will lose Storm too now. I hate the things I think about now. I just miss you so much Cody, I miss everything about you, good and bad it doesn't matter. I was so proud of you, I told you that many times but I don't know if you ever believed me or not. I wish you were still here.

I love you so much, I miss you more and more each day - Sleep well my son - mom